I knew this would come... *rainbow baby mentioned**

jonahsma · September 2014

The last couple of days have been emotionally difficult for me. I have tried to hold back the tears and not think about losing Emily, but I can't. Who am i fooling,? I can't just forget. I have cried the last two nights. I have held my new baby closed my eyes and imagined she was Emily. I felt her arm and imagined I was feeling Emily's arm. I am extremely grateful and happy for our baby but I am also so so sad .

What kind of day are you having?

princezjk · September 2014

First, congratulations on the arrival of your rainbow! Secondly, ((((BIG HUGS)))) I know holding your rainbow can be a sea of mixed, bittersweet emotions. My advice would be to not hold it in. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to talk about Emily, talk about her. The whole AL journey is hard and that includes PAL. Some days will be easier than others, but on those hard days don't hesitate to express how you are feeling.

stefuge · September 2014

((Hugs)). I can only imagine how hard that would be. Just let it all out. Big ((hugs))

mmsweeney1 · September 2014

Sometimes it feels like loving one baby betrays the other, doesn't it? I had some hard moments after our new baby arrived as well. I even confused the two babies at times and the first was a boy and now we have a girl! I think it just takes time to adjust and wrap your mind around everything you've been through. I finally was able to remind myself not to miss out on loving every second with this baby, otherwise it's almost like losing both. (I hope that makes sense!)

Try to be patient with yourself and go hug your sweet baby!

eta: I agree with @princezjk‌ to talk about Emily if you need to. I felt like a new baby made everyone forget about our son. I found myself bringing him up a lot more to remind people that we had another child too.

lexusolsen · September 2014

Congratulations on your rainbow! I agree with the other ladies, don't hold it in! I would even talk to your rainbow about Emily, read the "Someone came before you" book to her, order a Molly bear, the whole nine yards. You don't have to choose to love only one child. Love them both. I'll be thinking of you.

msunshine123 · September 2014

I can only imagine how hard it must be. I think you should cry and feel whatever it is that comes up. You love both of your girls so much and will continue to love them both. ((hugs))

Noethola · September 2014

***Ticker***

It is normal sweetie, just let it come out.

I was so struck my how alike they looked, how similar their noses, ears and finger length. Even that first night, I cried thinking of Elsie, and so I started talking. I told Chet how much he was loved and desired, I told him that a lot of how we would raise him would stem from losing his sister. I told him all about her, it was a word waterfall. But it helped me process.

I still have times when I just break down while holding or playing with him. Moments where I glimpse the magnitude of the loss of his sister all over again. I love him, cannot imagine life without him in it, but she is also a very real part of our family and journey through life. You are not betraying one by still loving the other as well.

Just you hold your lovely rainbow. Hold her tight and remember her sister. Remember the feel of her, the memories of the pregnancy and think about how alike they are. Then celebrate the differences as well. Talk about both your children. Its okay to experience grief and joy at the same time.

Big ((hugs))!

angelsnight · October 2014

Ticker warning, rainbow mentioned

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I sometimes feel like I am not allowed to miss my angel because I have my rainbow. I feel guilty for loving my rainbow, and I feel guilty for missing my angel because I have my rainbow.

When our rainbow was first born (also Emily) it was hard for me to see her with that name. I never told anyone this, but she looked more like a Kayla to me (our angel). Kayla was born at 22 weeks and was born sleeping, so it's hard to compare but she and her sister share the same delicate facial features, and I catch myself staring at Emily all the time, wondering what Kayla would have looked like at this age, wondering how similar they would have looked.

I also said all the time when I was pregnant with Emily that no matter how much I love her, I would never be happy that we lost Kayla due to the fact that Emily could not be here had Kayla survived (Emily was conceived one month before Kayla was supposed to be due). But now that she's here, I cannot fathom my life without her, and that also makes me feel guilty, as though things worked out. But in reality I would love to have both my girls here with me. Big hugs to you!

jonahsma · October 2014

Thank you @princezjk

I knew that as soon as I had the baby I was going to be an emotional mess, I think a lot of it has to do with Emily's first angelversary coming up. Everything that I have been bottling up is starting to spill over. it feels like a repeat of what I was feeling last year. thanks for the support,\.

mmsweeney1 said:

Sometimes it feels like loving one baby betrays the other, doesn't it? I had some hard moments after our new baby arrived as well. I even confused the two babies at times and the first was a boy and now we have a girl! I think it just takes time to adjust and wrap your mind around everything you've been through. I finally was able to remind myself not to miss out on loving every second with this baby, otherwise it's almost like losing both

***THIS
More than a handful of times I have had to stop myself from calling Mia Emily. It stops me in my tracks everytime.

@lexusolsen Thank you.
I have been wanting to buy that book a long with "We were going to have a baby but had an angel instead" (I think that's what it's called) I have been procrastiniating. I haven't really talked to my little ones about Emily. I think they are still too young to understand. dd is 2 and a half and ds just turned four. I want to talk to them about it though. Do you own any of these books?

chickinNH
We are all doing well, Thank you and big ((hugs)) to you and your tiny baby! 195 days are going to fly by and soon enough you will be holding your rainbow! ((hugs)) and thank you

Noethola
Thank you for your beautiful words. I think I just have to go with the motions. I feel like I put my grieving on hold in a way and now it's creeping up on me. At night during Mia's nighttime feeding I sit under the sonogram picture of Emily and just hold my baby and cry. It all feels so raw. I think she has seen me cry more than dh! I love what you said about experiencing joy and grief at the same time. I will try to do it without feeling so guilty.((hugs)) to you!

angelsnight EVERYTHING you said is EXACTLY how I feel, EXACTLY. At times want to call Mia Emily and Im always wondering if Emily would have looked like Mia does.
BTW I can't believe your baby is six months already!!! It seems like only yesterday you were announcing her arrival. ((hugs)) to you

lexusolsen · October 2014

We own we were going to have a baby but had an angel instead and something happened. I didn't like the second one as much and never read it to her. Dd gets it as much as someone her age can. It's hard. It's been almost seven months and she continues to ask questions. Her therapist said it was normal, that she's processing his death in pieces.

Dd was two and a half when ds died. And we told her from the beginning.

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