NTTGPR: Terrible Wedding

MrsSept13 · September 2014

Back when I was getting married I used to frequent The Knot, especially the etiquette board. Well, I just went to a terrible wedding over the weekend that made all those etiquette memories come flooding back. It was very unorganized and didn't seem like the bride and groom cared about the guests at all. First of all I should start with they apparently lost half of the invitations in the mail and didn't even think to call the people that didn't get invites. I was invited to a Facebook event and one guest I talked to while I was there said they found out about it the night before.

I wasn't invited to the ceremony, which I'm fine with, but the reception started out with a pot luck dinner that we lined up for. The bar was a cash bar and you even had to pay for soda. Luckily someone had brought tea and lemonade so I had some of that. They cut the cake first before anyone could eat. Then after we finished eating they had some random toasts that were unorganized and unplanned. Then the bride and groom had their first dance and that was the end and they danced for the rest of the night. There weren't a lot of guests and they didn't even have time to come over and say hi, thanks for coming? I understand that some people have small budgets and it's your wedding day but at least think about your guests that you invited. I think they wouldn't have noticed if half of us weren't even there except for the gifts they wouldn't have gotten.

Anyone been to a disaster wedding like this before?

MrsSept13 · September 2014

Trickyjedi said:

I don't know, this post seems a awfully Judegey McJudgerson to me. I would hate to know what people thought about my wedding.

Really? I was laying out the whole night so people knew the whole story. The parts that bothered me were the invitation fiasco and they couldn't take the time to call people, or have the wedding party do it if they were so busy, and the part where they didn't take the time to come over to the guests and say hi, thanks for coming. That was a big deal for me at my wedding. I went over to everyone and thanked them.

ETA: Oh and the part where you even had to pay for soda. The peeps over at The Knot are very big against cash bars and thinking about your guests.

ms51030 · September 2014

It sounds almost like they got married just for themselves and not for their guests.

pippacricket · September 2014

Joy2611 said:

MrsSept13 said:

I wasn't invited to the ceremony, which I'm fine with,
You were fine with that? Huh.

Were you not invited because of religious reasons? An old coworker of mine invited me to her wedding reception but not the ceremony because only members of their particular religion (I can't remember off the top of my head) could attend the ceremony. Pretty much only her and her H's immediate family attended the ceremony.

I attended a wedding once where the groom was grinding with his MIL. It was...awkward.

ETA I quoted Joy because I meant to write that in this particular instance I was fine with not being invited to the ceremony because it was for a legitimate reason. Hopefully my edit works this time because I've tried 3 times now ::shakes fist at TB gods::

ms51030 · September 2014

pippacricket said:

Joy2611 said:

MrsSept13 said:

I wasn't invited to the ceremony, which I'm fine with,
You were fine with that? Huh.

Were you not invited because of religious reasons? An old coworker of mine invited me to her wedding reception but not the ceremony because only members of their particular religion (I can't remember off the top of my head) could attend the ceremony. Pretty much only her and her H's immediate family attended the ceremony.

I attended a wedding once where the groom was grinding with his MIL. It was...awkward.

I can't even begin to explain the amount of booze that we would have to force feed my mother for her to grind in public with anyone. (She was raised not to drink or dance, because you know, SIN)

ETA: words

MrsSept13 · September 2014

pippacricket said:

Joy2611 said:

MrsSept13 said:

I wasn't invited to the ceremony, which I'm fine with,
You were fine with that? Huh.

Were you not invited because of religious reasons? An old coworker of mine invited me to her wedding reception but not the ceremony because only members of their particular religion (I can't remember off the top of my head) could attend the ceremony. Pretty much only her and her H's immediate family attended the ceremony.

I attended a wedding once where the groom was grinding with his MIL. It was...awkward.

No, I think they just wanted family only at the ceremony. Not sure why. I get people want small weddings. I was just very put off at the lack of thought about the people they were inviting to the reception.

ETA: I mean, you're hosting a party whether you like it or not. Either you are or your parents or someone. So the host should also make the guests feel welcome. Which I did not.

MrsSept13 · September 2014

I should also add that it was on my anniversary. And yes, I realize I don't own that day. But that also irked me because they're old friends and picked the same day after I did. So I had to decide between their reception and my anniversary. I went because on account of them being friends and we celebrated the day before.

pippacricket · September 2014

MrsSept13 said:

Back when I was getting married I used to frequent The Knot, especially the etiquette board. Well, I just went to a terrible wedding over the weekend that made all those etiquette memories come flooding back. It was very unorganized and didn't seem like the bride and groom cared about the guests at all. First of all I should start with they apparently lost half of the invitations in the mail and didn't even think to call the people that didn't get invites. I was invited to a Facebook event and one guest I talked to while I was there said they found out about it the night before.

I wasn't invited to the ceremony, which I'm fine with, but the reception started out with a pot luck dinner that we lined up for. The bar was a cash bar and you even had to pay for soda. Luckily someone had brought tea and lemonade so I had some of that. They cut the cake first before anyone could eat. Then after we finished eating they had some random toasts that were unorganized and unplanned. Then the bride and groom had their first dance and that was the end and they danced for the rest of the night. There weren't a lot of guests and they didn't even have time to come over and say hi, thanks for coming? I understand that some people have small budgets and it's your wedding day but at least think about your guests that you invited. I think they wouldn't have noticed if half of us weren't even there except for the gifts they wouldn't have gotten.

Anyone been to a disaster wedding like this before?

Ok with regard to the bolded though, how is that their fault? The cake is usually cut right before or during dinner so that there's enough time to have everything cut for all the guests once they've finished eating. Also, sometimes people get nervous or wait until the last minute to plan toasts. My MOH totally froze and couldn't say more than a few words during her speech at my wedding. Is that my fault?

I can see being irked that they didn't make time to thank their guests but the rest of it is a little judgy.

ms51030 · September 2014

MrsSept13 said:

I should also add that it was on my anniversary. And yes, I realize I don't own that day. But that also irked me because they're old friends and picked the same day after I did. So I had to decide between their reception and my anniversary. I went because on account of them being friends and we celebrated the day before.

That I would be mildly irked about, especially if they were close.

ETA: But that means that I just wouldn't have gone to their reception.

Cythe · September 2014

I coordinated an extended family wedding this past summer, and I experienced many things that you mentioned. It really put me in a shit spot because it was a reflection of me as the professional coordinator (although I was not hired by the couple, I flew in 2 days before and was not consulted on ANY plans) and they kind of treated their guests like crap.

It was interesting to coordinate, but from it I got some good photo evidence to back up some of my commonly used suggestions. When couples ask how to do weddings on a budget, they always tell me they want to use a friend of a friend, or a family member to do things. At this wedding, the brides aunts did the cake. I'm including photos for your enjoyment.

Bonus pic is from the gift table. Really guys? Is wrapping so hard?

dazdareis · September 2014

Right after my DH and my ceremony, one of his groomsmen went up to our pastor and asked him to officiate their wedding. The next day. And then asked us to be their witnesses. I was a bit perturbed as I felt like it took some of the excitement away from my wedding (they asked us the day of the wedding). Worst part? The Ministry messed up our wedding date and now it shows as the same date as theirs. (We've since fixed this)

HippoTooth · September 2014

bibliothecary said:

@Cythe, perhaps if the guests drink enough, the cake will appear as though it is straight?

I closed one eye and tilted my head a little. Looks great to me!

Cythe · September 2014

bibliothecary said:

Cythe, perhaps if the guests drink enough, the cake will appear as though it is straight?

Sadly, it was more then that. The woman who assembled it didn't put the cake on any cardboard or plastic bases, so the weight of the top 3 layers was resting totally on the bottom layer. If they had started to put it together any sooner, by the time the guests got to the reception the cake would have been on the floor.

Also... full cash bar. Everyone was drinking free soda.

HippoTooth · September 2014

Cythe said:

bibliothecary said:

Cythe, perhaps if the guests drink enough, the cake will appear as though it is straight?

Sadly, it was more then that. The woman who assembled it didn't put the cake on any cardboard or plastic bases, so the weight of the top 3 layers was resting totally on the bottom layer. If they had started to put it together any sooner, by the time the guests got to the reception the cake would have been on the floor.

Also... full cash bar. Everyone was drinking free soda.

Is that when it's acceptable to have a full flask in your purse?

KingLED · September 2014

You would have hated my wedding.

HippoTooth · September 2014

KingLED said:

You would have hated my wedding.

Probably mine too!

ms51030 · September 2014

HippoTooth said:

KingLED said:

You would have hated my wedding.

Probably mine too!

Same here.

Unknown · September 2014

This content has been removed.

MrsSept13 · September 2014

becwheat said:

This is not directed to OP, but I feel like some people do not know how to handle small, more casual weddings lol

My wedding has 40 guests, it is in the afternoon and we are providing cocktails and a lunch after the ceremony, but there is not a "real" reception. The invite was a post card and though it had all the vital information people seem to be losing their shit. Where do I go? What do I do? Is there a reception?

This is ALL on the invite, but for some reason they have to ask me to verify everything! Whatever, I tried to make it simple... I guess I failed!

That would not have bothered me. I am not aggravated at the budget wedding or wanting the ceremony to be family. I was put off first by their lack of caring to actually invite their guests and then by the lack of caring for the people who decided to come to the reception to celebrate with the family.

Cythe · September 2014

Joy2611 said:

becwheat said:

My wedding has 40 guests, it is in the afternoon and we are providing cocktails and a lunch after the ceremony, but there is not a "real" reception.
Cocktails and lunch are a real reception!!

All that matters is that you receive your guests in some formal way and provide food/drink appropriate to the time of day. You're doing that!

Amen. Your wedding can be as formal or as informal as you want it. I try to stress how important it is to "give back" to your guests as much as possible. If you're treating them well, then the rest is pretty irrelevant. I like to compare a wedding to a small dinner party, how would you treat 5-10 people in your home? Try to apply that to a wedding.

This doesn't always work, of course, but it gets people thinking.

StikierIten · September 2014

PenguinMG said:

I was once invited to a potluck wedding on facebook. I politely declined.

On a similar note, I found out about a year ago (you can see in my siggy how long I've been married) that one of DHs cousins was deeply offended by the way our invitations were addressed. She'd had a "secret" wedding and announced it on facebook about an hour after I put her invitation in the mail.

It came up when her sister got engaged last year and she made a comment about how she should make sure to address our invitation to DH and guest. When I was confused she nearly burst into tears because it was insulting that I got all the attention and no one even acknowledged her wedding. I think she forgot she didn't tell anyone about it.

This is a little AW of me, but it's entertaining for a discussion on etiquette.

A cousin of my DH decided he just HAD to get married the same day as us because it was his parent's 30th anniversary. This was months after we had booked everything. Then asked if we could move it back so Grandma could go to their ceremony...

We invited them to our wedding, they said Yes, but didn't come. And my FIL had the gall to ask if we'd make an announcement that they got married that day too. I am not a violent person but I just about went BSC spider monkey on that.

Best part? Cousin was divorced not even 2 years after that.

Edited because I forgot Bold.

RaeLynn81012 · September 2014

I was very fortunate to have my parents and MH's parents help us with the cost of the wedding. We had open bar and a nice sit down dinner.

I get that the bride and groom should be mindful of their guest and all but am not getting the big deal about cash bar and pot luck dinner. This isn't directed at anyone here. I hear people complain about these things all the time. But what if someone just doesn't have the money and help from parents? There's no way I would have had that kind of wedding without their help.

RaeLynn81012 · September 2014

@joy2611 valid points! I never really looked at it that way. I feel like there's so much pressure to have the typical wedding. Wish more couples looked outside of the box.

mandy522 · September 2014

@raelynn81012 This is just me, but if I hadn't had help from my parents, I wouldn't have had the wedding I did. My parents were really generous, but they also invited about 60% of the guests. It probably would have been immediate family and maybe 20 close friends, and we would have had a champagne brunch or something much less expensive.

Also FWIW, I went to a very small wedding recently with a keg and a cash bar where I knew the bridge & groom couldn't afford much more, and I was fine with it. They did what they could to make sure their guests were having fun. The weddings where I feel cash bars are irritating are the ones where there are $150 flower arrangements on the tables and the bride is wearing a designer gown. Priorities, people.

Cythe · September 2014

RaeLynn81012 said:

I was very fortunate to have my parents and MH's parents help us with the cost of the wedding. We had open bar and a nice sit down dinner. I get that the bride and groom should be mindful of their guest and all but am not getting the big deal about cash bar and pot luck dinner. This isn't directed at anyone here. I hear people complain about these things all the time. But what if someone just doesn't have the money and help from parents? There's no way I would have had that kind of wedding without their help.

The cost of weddings these days is outrageous, especially if you consider how much the wedding industry has changed even since our parents' generation. If you can't afford a big fancy wedding, then the simplest response is: don't throw a black tie wedding at 6 pm for 300 people in NYC.

The easiest place to cut cost is your guest list. In many areas, food and drink per guest approach $100/person. Many people just can't justify not inviting some people, especially if you have a large family.

From there it goes to time of day, followed by which day of the week (Sunday weddings anyone?) and finally getting married off season. There are things you can do, they just come with their own sets of disadvantages.

** sorry if that sounds judgey, it is what it is **

Cythe · September 2014

KawaiiKitsune said:

TIL - Potluck weddings are frowned upon. I always thought it was a cool idea, kind of a coming together of friends, family and food traditions.

In the right social setting or culture, I suppose it could be if you spin it right. Especially if you had a multicultural wedding. Even then, I'd only ask a few people to bring (a larger quantity of) a cultural dish and then supplement that with your own provided food.

RaeLynn81012 · September 2014

@cythe you are totally right! I'm going to look at weddings so differently now!

Funny you made reference to a black tie event in NYC with 300 guests. I was just at one of those weddings a couple weekends ago.

Cythe · September 2014

RaeLynn81012 said:

cythe you are totally right! I'm going to look at weddings so differently now! Funny you made reference to a black tie event in NYC with 300 guests. I was just at one of those weddings a couple weekends ago.

I can't imagine what it was like! I've heard the average cost of a NYC wedding is like $50k.

I don't want that bill

Unknown · September 2014

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RaeLynn81012 · September 2014

Cythe said:

RaeLynn81012 said:

cythe you are totally right! I'm going to look at weddings so differently now!

Funny you made reference to a black tie event in NYC with 300 guests. I was just at one of those weddings a couple weekends ago.

I can't imagine what it was like! I've heard the average cost of a NYC wedding is like $50k.

I don't want that bill

@cythe It was definitely over $50k. She spent $18k on flowers alone. I couldn't imagine!

Cythe · September 2014

Okay, last soapbox from me. Promise.

Cash bars... are the clusterfuck of weddings. I think there are perfectly good reasons for not wanting to have an open bar, some of which include a significant problem with alcoholism or as PP said, most of your guests won't be drinking anyway.

That said, my favorite compromises are: a drink limit (some have drink vouchers at the tables), open keg or wine, and my favorite - creating a "couples drink" and have that available all night for guests. Anything else, is on them.

Empireceo · September 2014

I agree with @Joy2611‌. Have the wedding you can afford. I definitely side eye people who invite a shit ton of people and then have cash bars. That just feels like a gift grab, imo.

Cythe · September 2014

Joy2611 said:

Cythe said:

Okay, last soapbox from me. Promise.

Cash bars... are the clusterfuck of weddings. I think there are perfectly good reasons for not wanting to have an open bar, some of which include a significant problem with alcoholism or as PP said, most of your guests won't be drinking anyway.

That said, my favorite compromises are: a drink limit (some have drink vouchers at the tables), open keg or wine, and my favorite - creating a "couples drink" and have that available all night for guests. Anything else, is on them.

Oh my god - you said drink tickets. Nooooo... weddings aren't frat parties!

I agree with your other two choices, though, 100%.

Haha, I totally agree that "tickets" are terrible! I used it because the premise behind it is solid (drink limit) but keeping track of who has used and has not used their limit is hard.

Removed my ETA - im making its own post about it.

mandy522 · September 2014

Cythe said:

RaeLynn81012 said:

cythe you are totally right! I'm going to look at weddings so differently now! Funny you made reference to a black tie event in NYC with 300 guests. I was just at one of those weddings a couple weekends ago.

I can't imagine what it was like! I've heard the average cost of a NYC wedding is like $50k.

I don't want that bill

I used to work in the event industry in a major city and $50K in NYC seemed low to me, so I googled.

Average wedding in Manhattan: $87K.
https://money.cnn.com/2014/03/28/pf/average-wedding-cost/

Do not want.

RaeLynn81012 · September 2014

@mandy522 That sounds more like the wedding I went to. That will probably be the one and only time I get to experience that!

SwivelChair5 · September 2014

We had our wedding at a venue that offered an unlimited open bar (beer, wine and liquor) for a flat $500. That probably saved us at least 5k.

I have been to a few weddings where the couple didn't make a point to say hi to all of their guests. Both of those were weddings I traveled a big distance to go to and spent hundreds on hotels and flight or gas, and the couple clearly wouldn't have noticed if I didn't come at all.

Cythe · September 2014

@mandy522 thanks for looking that up, I was going off of my schooling info which has been a few years now! I didn't wan't $50k, I surely don't want $85k.

Cythe · September 2014

I speak from my background in which I can't tell too many brides "that's really tacky you can't do that" - that would get me fired. The alternatives I provided are assuming that a cash bar in some sense is already decided on. I think cash bars are tacky, but I can't stop anyone from having one.

I can (and do) direct them to what etiquette says, but ultimately it's their decision.

TRP85 · September 2014

MrsSept13 said:

I should also add that it was on my anniversary. And yes, I realize I don't own that day. But that also irked me because they're old friends and picked the same day after I did. So I had to decide between their reception and my anniversary. I went because on account of them being friends and we celebrated the day before.

My DH and I got married on the long weekend and August. We have been married 2 years and spent both of our wedding anniversaries at a wedding. There's only so many weekends in a year. We just make a point to do something special on another day.

Edit: to say, this is clearly and UO but I also don't see a big deal with a cash bar. I have been to plenty of weddings that have offered guests a couple of drinks and then the rest of the night is cash bar. It doesn't bother me. The couple has already paid a fortune for everyone to be there. I can handle buying a couple drinks.

mosdub · September 2014

We were invited to "just the reception" earlier this year and H and I were like:

I don't mind ceremonies, but I do think I experience/share more love at the reception. Even when I reflect on my own wedding day I really don't think about the ceremony as much as the belly laughing with all of my aunts and uncles on the dance floor, exchanging hugs and affection with my loved ones and just celebrating life.

I even had a friend who did a courthouse marriage but then threw a party (reception) because her family wanted to have a celebration of their union.

That being said, I can totally understand why others would be frustrated with not being invited to the ceremony when they were invited to the reception.

dazdareis · September 2014

We did toonie bar. All the liquor was top shelf. That was for beer, cider and hard liquor. We provided limitfree bottles of wine for every table (a very good brand). We did it to help with cost. I wanted a very small wedding but DH is polish-German and has a HUGE family, we were pretty much strong armed into inviting them all. We had about 140 guests, 100 more than I wanted.

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