WWYD re: harassment

Louie4real · September 2014

I DDd...sorry.

Thank you for your support, all of you. I appreciate the time you all took to type out a response, and I will keep you updated as things change. Because damn it, things are going to change. I fuzzy heart you guys.

Spin313 · September 2014

Absolutely! I'd contact you lawyer immediately.

I'd also change your apple ID or contact your cell phone company about making sure he can't track you. That's SUPER creepy!!!

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2014

Ditto what the others said but I am so, so sorry that you're going through that. What a monster.

goillini823 · September 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Yes! I'd talk to my lawyer about this ASAP! Save all emails, and try and get your Apple ID changed.

Is he displaying any anger towards you around the kids? I'm asking because you can document that as well.

LatteLady5 · September 2014

cjcouple said:

OMG I am so sorry
Absolutely contact your lawyer. I think you need a third party arrangement for all contact moving forward.
Call apple and explain the situation and see what you can do about changing units. Maybe there is a swap program or a feature to disable the iphone tracking, etc.
I would keep copies of ALL all threats on a file and use that against him.
Good luck

All of this. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine.

Hugs.

dmartin726 · September 2014

I have no advice besides keep your head up high. For you and your kids. Don't give in to empty threats. He is trying to scare you. You know you are a great mom and your kids know it too.

Thinking of you. Hope this all gets better for you soon and you find some peace.

thechickencoop · September 2014

I have no advice but {{hugs}} that sounds so difficult and stressful. I hope you find a solution so that you can be more comfortable.

Louie4real · September 2014

Thanks all. The kicker of this is that lawyers are expensive. I hocked most of my valuables just to pay a lawyer to get divorced. Our decree is pretty bare bones because I just wanted to get out. I can't just direct him to my lawyer, cause I don't really have one. Legal aid has about a six month wait, and they've said that I needed to have most of the paperwork prepared myself.

I changed my apple id, but am still freaked out.

If I get a restraining order, he still gets his parenting time. Even if he beat the shit out of me, he would get parenting time because he didn't do it to the kids. I had everything documented online in a journal but he found it and deleted it. Sadly, it wasn't backed up. I am the "don't do it this way" poster child.

spring_time · September 2014

Make sure to contact your lawyer and keep track of any and all communication. An old friend recently went through a similar experience, and she turned it into a book. She said the key was to have everything written down. She kept most communication to email and text, but also kept a notebook for conversations that were not documented. She worked with a social worker that would meet with them at a neutral place for drop offs and exchanges which ensured the custody agreement was intact and he wasn't able to play the manipulative gives of keeping kids longer than permitted.

Also, I am not sure if you are in therapy, however you might want to consider speaking with a therapist. This type of abuse does a number on psyche and you want to make sure that you keep your mental health strong.

Louie4real · September 2014

Yeah, therapy has been my saving grace I think. I've been seeing someone since I moved back here, so about 7 months. My oldest sees someone too. I am so grateful that I have a strong support network through family, I absolutely cannot imagine being totally alone and fighting this.

raraavis28 · September 2014

Everything PPs said (esp Kimbus) and huge hugs to you....I am so sorry you are going through this....what a nightmare

chickaboo1974 · September 2014

I am sorry you are dealing with this- as for the threats of CPS and taking your children- yeah total control/fear play. My sister works for CPS and she gets pulled into this stuff all the time. It is really a shitty move- unless there is abuse/drug issues CPS would be a non issue in a custody battle. And let him go to court for full custody- then you can get a chance to modify your agreement. This is all his issues- controling you is like a drug to him. So document document document!

As for school issues- I would, in an email, tell him that he is responsible for finding out about the kids school field trips/ etc. I would then include the contact info for the children's teachers, principals, coaches etc. You are NOT his secretary- he is their Father, so it is time to put on his big boy pants and PARENT. The school has dealt with divorced parents- they can handle it.

As for calls, the "reasonable" wording is tricky. Since you and I might think that once a night between the hours of say 6pm to 8pm might be a reasonable time to place a call to the children to catch up with them and find out what they are doing - from them if they are old enough to talk to him. This would also apply to you, when the children are in his custody. He might not find that "reasonable". If your children are not old enough for a conversation, then an email at the end of the day might be reasonable- I don't think that is needed everyday, but a every other day thing is not too bad. With the understanding that serious issues- illness, hospitalization, school issues- get a call as soon as possible ( I would also do follow up emails). I have a feeling this is more about checking up on YOU and again trying to control you- so just be aware that he might start trying to use your children as spies ( without them understanding what is going on).

notkateanymore · September 2014

Hell yes I would tell your lawyer and the police. Fucking whackjob needs to leave you the hell alone and you are not required to keep him informed of every single fucking thing that happens in their life...especially when he's acting like a dickhead.

Does the school email info? Ask to have his email added to the announcements email list. Tell your lawyer you want to have set for both of y'all to call the kids when they're away with the other parent. Also, let him take your to court, he'll look like a crazy person.

notkateanymore · September 2014

Oh and change your damn email and disable the find my phone app on your phone.

Andrewsgal · September 2014

You can turn off the find your phone app all together. I am sorry you are going through this.

Spin313 · September 2014

@Louie4real‌ - since you don't have a lawyer, can you contact a firm that does free consultations...? They might be able to give you some (limited) help without charging.

NicoleWI · September 2014

I used to work for a nonprofit and we had excellent domestic abuse agencies that would help women work through this type of situation. They can help with lawyers, knowing what to do when, etc. They would walk through the entire restraining order process with people, too, and even go to court with them as needed. If your community has an agency like this (if you don't know, check yellow pages or online or call your local United Way and ask if they know), I highly suggest meeting with a counselor and seeing if they can help.

Your ex DH sounds downright scary and it's hard with kids in the picture. Best wishes.

smerka · September 2014

My BIL's wife stabbed him in the hand with a pair of scissors in front of the kids and she did not lose custody/visitation. It takes a lot for a kid to be taken away from a parent. He is just trying to scare you. Document everything. Stay strong.

vlagrl29 · September 2014

I would consider the restraining order of course, but from my experience they don't usually grant you the restraining order unless you have hard evidence - so please document anything possible. Sorry you are going thru this

zbeesma86 · September 2014

Get the order. You need the paper trail. It establishes a history.

Save every threatening text, email, and voice mail.

Don't let his empty threats scare you. You are their mom. Just because you are out and about with your kids and miss a phone call doesn't mean he can have them removed from your home.

Establish a schedule with him for calling to talk to the kids. And like a PP said, he's a big boy. He should be able to figure out school functions on his own. If you want to send him a school cheat sheet with names and numbers, go ahead.

I've seen a lot of domestic cases- please do not hesitate to call the police and file orders against him. Is it going to piss him off? sure. But it will be on file. So if he were to try anything he will get in a hell of a lot more trouble for breaking the order plus the harassment than he would for just the harassment.

If you need ANYTHING Louie you can PM me.

RH10 · September 2014

You could contact a domestic abuse non-profit. They might be able to help. Best of luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Aussie45 · September 2014

I don't know what to say or have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this

Louie4real · September 2014

@RH10‌ Thanks.

for the advice too.

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