Transitioning to sahm: finances

Samiantha101 · September 2014

My h and I are considering me staying home once number two arrives. Currently, our finances are mostly separate. We are each responsible for certain bills ans whatever is left is our own. We do have a joint account that our rental income went into. The house is being sold, so there won't be anymore funds being deposited into it. My husband and I can't decide how to handle our finances, if I am to stay home. I suggested that we would have his paycheck deposited into the joint account, all bills would be paid from the joint account, and each of us would get a monthly stipend deposited into our personal accounts. He hates this idea. He wants to give me essentially an allowance and everything else to come from his account. I hate this idea. He is horrible at tracking money and budgeting. As it is, I am responsible for making sure all bills get paid. I think him having limited access to all the funds, as would I, would really help us stay on our soon to be acquired budget. What do you all do?

monkeybutt61612 · September 2014

My husband's check is deposited into his checking account. Mortgage and maintenance fees are paid through this account. The rest are auto pay on the credit card. He will transfer money into our joint account, but I primarily use the credit card for things I need (grocery shopping, eyebrow wax...).

penguingrrl · September 2014

I'll be honest, if my husband were not willing to make sure I had access to the bulk of our money I wouldn't be SAH. The fact that he wants to put it all in "his" account is a red flag to me. I would not be comfortable essentially being kept in the dark about our finances and simply handed an allowance. And if you're in charge of paying the bills how will that be possible if everything is going into his account that you don't have access to?

There's nothing wrong with having separate accounts, joint accounts or a combo of both. That is a matter for a couple to sort out and figure out what works for them. But having the bulk of the money go into an account that one doesn't have access to while that one is not currently employed doesn't sound like a wise idea.

caybeh · September 2014

Ditto gwapes. We have a joint account and everything goes into that and is paid out. No monthly allowance or stipend. We discuss our finances from time to time. DH mostly handles it, but keeps me in the loop where we are with our saving goals.

notkateanymore · September 2014

We have a joint account, I pay the bills and he asks me for money. It's perfect.

Andrewsgal · September 2014

Of my husband tried to give me an allowance all hell would break loose. Our children get allowances I am an adult. You need to continue working.

hlm184 · September 2014

We have joint accounts and each get an allowance. We go over the budget together annually (or sooner if needed). He manages investments and I pay the bills.

dizzycooks · September 2014

We have a joint account and then our own separate account that we each get a monthly stipend to spend on whatever we want. By no means does it cover every extraneous expense I have and honestly we'd be fine without it, well I would, DH needs his to cover his ridiculous bike habit. It keeps me off his back in regards to how much is spent on that. Everything else comes out of our joint account and we discuss accordingly.

thechickencoop · September 2014

Do you have access to his account that his paycheck would be deposited into? I don't think it's odd necessarily to have an specific amount of fun money, but you need to have access for anything else you would be spending money on.

Until we had DS we had two separate checking accounts that our individual paychecks went into; although, all of the bills I paid from his account. They were linked online so I could transfer back and forth whenever, it was just one of those things that we never cared that much about to go into the bank and sit down and join them lol.

Once I was pregnant, we knew I would be staying home, so we switched to a joint account to make things easier. Did your H give you a reason as to why he's hesitant to do this? Do you have a habit of overspending? I take care of all of the bills here too and it would annoy me now to have to go into separate accounts to get things paid, transfer funds, etc just for daily spending.

alli2672 · September 2014

As long as his account is really a joint account, I think his solution sounds fine. My parents do what your H is suggesting. My mom works outside the home, but she has her money, and then they have joint money that all of the bills are paid out of, so she has her own money, but she can also see what my dad is spending. It works well for them.

ETA: In the end, they both view all of the money as "couple money." It isn't like my mom makes my dad pay her back or anything. I only know they do this because I was asking when H and I were setting up our finances.

spring_time · September 2014

We have a joint account and each of us gets a small monthly allowance for "fun money" It is the same amount for both of us. This money is no questions asked, and we can spend it however we want. We had a lot of arguments at the beginning of our relationship about needs and wants, and the separate accounts solve that problem for us. If we think the other person would have a problem with a purchase, it comes out of our personal account. Otherwise everything is else is joint. Also, even though I manage the money, we both have access to all the accounts. I even have access to his payroll and change direct deposits as needed.

It is really how you choose to set it up. I have a friend who keeps completely separate accounts from her DH. When she SAH for 5 years, he paid all the household bills. However, her spending money came from her account that she had saved up over her years of working. His extra money from his paycheck went into his account. It is not how I would choose to set it up, but it worked for them.

jillyjill1026sr · September 2014

We each have a separate account and one joint account. I handle paying all the bills and budgeting our money. He has an envelope that I put cash into each pay day and he's free to do whatever he wants with that cash. I have one as well.

zbeesma86 · September 2014

joint account and we talk about big purchases.

I budget and pay bills from our joint.

are you going to have access to his account?

mandymack · September 2014

notkateanymore said:

We have a joint account, I pay the bills and he asks me for money. It's perfect.

@notkateanymore - I was beginning to think I was the only one.

My husband has access to all our joint accounts and knows our monthly budget/bills but could care less about being in-charge of it all so I have always handled it. We each have separate accounts (at a different bank than our joint account because they were giving away $250 for opening an account with direct deposit - we split DH's paycheck between 5 accounts currently) that we each get X deposited into each money called "blow" money. We can save it, spend it, give it away, and neither of us cares what the other ones does with it. Anytime he wants to make a larger purchase, which is rare but he did ask for a new PS4 the other day, he asks me about it. He's never even bought lunch at work without a quick text, which of course is silly to me, but it's just a small example of me being "in-charge" of all our finances.

To the original poster - because you are doubtful and asking about it here, I'd say that's enough of a red flag that you are uncomfortable and that you should consider talking about it some more with your husband. Good luck!

raraavis28 · September 2014

We have a joint account, he pays the bills, but we set up our budget together and I'm the one to keeps track to make sure we're sticking to it...I'm the "Bucks Nazi" as DH affectionately calls me. We discuss and agree on any big purchases.

Like PPs said, any variety of systems can work, but you should both be comfortable with it.

vlagrl29 · September 2014

we have joint accounts, everything is "ours"….I could not handle that separate account crap.

Samiantha101 · September 2014

Let me clarify a few things:

His account is technically a joint account. I stayed home for a bit when we initially had our dd, and at this time, it was most definitely not a joint account. He gave me a cash allowance. He doesn't keep money from me, but he can be extremely lazy about taking care of paperwork. It wasn't until after I started working that he finally got me added. Also, he doesn't want me to hold him accountable for his spending. He doesn't keep track of his spending very well, nor is he financially goal orientated. This is the total opposite of me. I won't accept another allowance. I made this very very clear to him. We are trying to figure out an alternative solution. I thought my idea was honestly the best solution for the both of us, because he could spend his allotment how he saw fit, which is important to him, I could keep track of our monthly bills and savings better, and I would feel like I would still have some financial freedom too.

Aussie45 · September 2014

notkateanymore said:

We have a joint account, I pay the bills and he asks me for money. It's perfect.

I'm gonna ask DH if we can switch over to this :P Maybe then he'll stop bitching about me spending money on frivolous things.

*Disclaimer: He rarely spends money himself and he's not an asshole about it. I just have a harder time adhering to our budget than he does.

Aussie45 · September 2014

Samiantha101 said:

He doesn't keep track of his spending very well, nor is he financially goal orientated. This is the total opposite of me. I won't accept another allowance. I made this very very clear to him. We are trying to figure out an alternative solution. I thought my idea was honestly the best solution for the both of us, because he could spend his allotment how he saw fit, which is important to him, I could keep track of our monthly bills and savings better, and I would feel like I would still have some financial freedom too.

Honestly, I would explain all of this to him, especially pointing out the bolded. Honestly budgets are awesome and take away a lot of headache. They suck, but it makes being on one income a hell of a lot easier. DH and I get irritated with each other more when we both slack off on our budget. Us working towards getting a decent amount of money saved up helps both of us relax a bit.

I know that's not what you asked really, but I like your idea and think it would make it easier for you to pay bills and keep on eye on savings without him not getting an allotment for spending.

eaglesfan700 · September 2014

notkateanymore said:

We have a joint account, I pay the bills and he asks me for money. It's perfect.

This is exactly us. He used to have an ATM card, but he messed up the magnetic strip. Instead of calling the bank and ordering a new one, he just asks me for money.

OP, I personally would not be cool with the scenario you described. At all

yanakimou · September 2014

caybeh said:

Ditto gwapes. We have a joint account and everything goes into that and is paid out. No monthly allowance or stipend. We discuss our finances from time to time. DH mostly handles it, but keeps me in the loop where we are with our saving goals.

Us too.

spring_time · September 2014

Samiantha101 said:

Let me clarify a few things: His account is technically a joint account. I stayed home for a bit when we initially had our dd, and at this time, it was most definitely not a joint account. He gave me a cash allowance. He doesn't keep money from me, but he can be extremely lazy about taking care of paperwork. It wasn't until after I started working that he finally got me added. Also, he doesn't want me to hold him accountable for his spending. He doesn't keep track of his spending very well, nor is he financially goal orientated. This is the total opposite of me. I won't accept another allowance. I made this very very clear to him. We are trying to figure out an alternative solution. I thought my idea was honestly the best solution for the both of us, because he could spend his allotment how he saw fit, which is important to him, I could keep track of our monthly bills and savings better, and I would feel like I would still have some financial freedom too.

So, he doesn't keep track of his money or budget, yet expects you to do so with a limited stipend. He also doesn't want you to check on his spending. This would be a big concern for me.

I am not understanding why he doesn't like your idea. If I am understanding correctly, you want a joint account that only covers joint financial goals and bills, and the rest goes in individual accounts. He doesn't have to be accountable to you if you then put his spending money in his account. Is he worried about micromanaging? You don't even need to see that account as long as all bills and family financial goal are satisfied within the joint account. Are you sure he is on board with SAH? Does he like the power trip of giving you an allowance? In our house "allowance" is a hot button word which will instantly lead to an argument.

Whatever plan you agree to, you need an equal amount. You also need access to all accounts. If anything, for practical reasons. When there is a problem at the bank, I can go during their limited hours. DH doesn't have that freedom. I need to be able to talk to them.

ETA: What do you do about credit cards? We have one joint credit card and we use it for everything. At the end of the month, I itemize the entire bill. How do credit cards factor in to your plan?

dmartin726 · September 2014

I would be cool if I got an allowance every month. As long as it was around 10k. Otherwise...nope.

We keep it simple. All money goes into one account. We pay bills. Extra goes to a savings account.

That is all.

When we want something we buy it. We know how much extra there is to spend each month.

shoesontoes · September 2014

I am always fascinated by how other couples handle this, particularly the separate account/allowance scenarios. We have a joint account. DHs paycheck goes into it (less savings, retirement, etc), we pay everything from it. The end. We will discuss large purchases we are each considering (probably over $400?), but I'd never ask for his permission to buy anything or vice versa. I would NEVER tolerate being given an allowance. I'm his wife, not his daughter.

lana22 · September 2014

ditto above poster. joint account, i pay all bills, but he has an idea of what's in savings. we'll discuss big purchases ahead of time (expensive concert/sports tickets, weekends away, etc.), but we have ATM cards and use one joint credit card for most purchases. to each her own, but i can't imagine not having some control over finances, regardless of whether it's my paycheck. it's a partnership.

vlagrl29 · September 2014

I don't even know how you can be with someone that financially irresponsible. It would drive me nuts!! Mainly because I AM so goal oriented and I always balance the check book and pay the bills. This whole thing just confuses me probably because it seems so ass backwards.

Samiantha101 · September 2014

Thank you all for your responses. I am glad to see I am not alone in stance about the whole allowance thing. I am going to stand firm on either my first proposition I mentioned earlier or us just sharing the checking account and being more vigilant about communicating our spending.

Transitioning to sahm: finances

Re: Transitioning to sahm: finances

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