is this normal?

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

I know I've lost 35lbs so far this pregnancy, and I'm really starting to show now because of it, but these past few days I've just felt disgusted about myself. Like, I feel like I still look fat and not pregnant. People are starting to give me weird looks, worse than they were a few weeks ago, and now I hear people whispering about me.

Hubby and I went to a movie yesterday and after the movie I had to pee. I walked into the bathroom and two women were standing at the sinks. They were talking up until I walked in and they saw me, then they stopped and stared. I walked into a stall and while I was doing my business I heard the ladies whispering about huge my stomach looked and were wondering if I was really fat or really pregnant. One of them suggested I was probably both. When I left the stall, they stopped talking again and just stared at me in the mirrors. I washed my hands and left. And I heard them start giggling as I was leaving.

Am I alone here, or do some of you feel the same way? I know a lot of it is hormones for me as this on a normal day wouldn't have bothered me at all; in fact I would have laughed at their insecurity. But lately, I can't help but feel like I should feel disgusted about myself. Is this normal?

Wimcgrath · September 2014

I think it's normal. Unfortunately, it's also normal for some people to be complete assholes, plus we're overly sensitive right now. Bad combo!

I'm sorry those bitches made you feel insecure. Know that you are growing something beautiful and try your best to love yourself... You're doing amazing things and they've probably just got nothing interesting going on in their own lives right now.

toadandbug12 · September 2014

Those women seem awfully rude. I'm sorry you had to deal with that!

I feel very uncomfortable with my changing body, so you are not alone. I made a post not that long ago about people staring and it making me feel uncomfortable. I'm learning to just give it the good old "IDGAF" attitude. There's a human being growing inside of you, and that is the most important thing.

wintersong139 · September 2014

I think it is normal because (1) as a pp said, people are asses, and (2) when you are hyper sensitive about yourself, you are hyper aware of others' criticisms.

jennjilljo · September 2014

It's normal to be self conscious and to be bothered by that type of behavior when you aren't pregnant. I think it's worse when you are pregnant because now your body is changing and reshaping and you have no control over it. It's also normal for people to be negative about others. I'm sorry you come across people like that. You are wonderful and your body is working too hard to give credence to that nonsense.

wintersong139 · September 2014

Also, to add: I noticed you have a lot of posts that mention your weight--it is something you seem very fixated on. (For good reason--we are all changing dramatically, and you are changing even more dramatically than most women when they get pregnant.) It would probably be healthy and good for you to practice saying positive things about yourself, in the mirror and to others, that have absolutely nothing to do with weight or shape.

I'm not trying to be snarky, I swear! I really feel like you should work to focus on things other than your weight and shape, regardless of whether you are focusing on losing weight, gaining weight, popping belly, or anything. It is so easy to get self-conscious when everything about you is changing so rapidly. My thoughts are definitely with you during your struggles with self-image!!!

Mrs. Zee · September 2014

I just wanted to say I am sorry those ladies were bishes. I think this is partially so hard bc everyone is so different in how their bodies change so there is no set way to know how we will all change. F those ladies, you are growing a human. Remember, lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

@wintersong139‌ I do, and I have been. Yes I do mention my weight a lot and its because I am very self conscious about it. It's been a catalyst my entire life unfortunately. I've overcome an eating disorder, plus my mom throwing it in my face when I was growing up as a form of her mental and emotional abuse of me. It was also common for the girls at school to use it against me while growing up; between them and my mother anorexia became the norm for me for over 10 years. Its taken a lot of work for me to start feeling good about myself, and just when I started to feel comfortable again, I got pregnant. I think I've done pretty well so far to not let things like that get to me since I became pregnant, but yesterday, I don't know what happened. I guess I just felt more vulnerable and sensitive then.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement ladies. Like I said I try not to let things like that get to me, especially now, and I think I've done pretty good so far. I just wanted to make sure this wasn't a depression enduced thing that required medical attention. That's the last thing I need right now.

CutieBug1 · September 2014

What horrible women!!! Don't worry about them sweetie! There will always be mean spirited people around - we have to focus on the positive. Right now I feel really empowered.. I'm not actually showing yet but I am a little chunky.. And it's empowering because right now I'm allowed to be a little bit chunky and for once I don't care if ppl think I look a little fat! I'm doing my best to eat good foods and get rest and that's what's important! You will make a great mum and I'm sure your LO will never be as mean spirited as those bathroom moles! Forget them!

HeyStVincent · September 2014

Some women (a lot of women) suck about things like that. That said, I'm sure the women in the bathroom have their own problems and their own perceived imperfections that they have to live with. Besides that, they have to live with their miserable selves. Only miserable, boring people will entertain themselves by tearing others down - and they have to live with that reality (being boring and miserable) every single day. You don't.

I'm not sure who perpetuates this phenomenon where women feel like they can judge other women for not fitting into this narrow definition of perfect. Is it us? Is it our culture? Is it the media? Is it advertisers who tell us what we want, whether we want it or not? I don't know. Regardless of the reason, the status of the world is this - women can't win. Every girl/woman is either too fat, too skinny, too flabby, too athletic, too celulitey, too frizzy, too hairy, too wrinkley, too tan, too pale, too opinionated, too much of a wet blanket, too loud, too mousey, too curvy, not curvy enough, the list goes on and on. I MEAN LOOK AT THE CELEB MAGAZINES - that's half of their entire publication - pointing out the most idiotic, pointless flaws EVER. She's anorexic! She's eating too much! And so on...

Anyway, my point is that we'll never escape this culture that we live in and we'll never escape running into boring, miserable people. That, you can't control. Things you can control - don't hang around boring, miserable people - if they're in your life, then get 'em out or keep your distance from them. And when you do run into these miserable, boring humans just know that they suck and they have to live with their suck AND they have to live with their own perceived imperfections (we all have them). You don't suck - you're cool, interesting, and prefer to surround yourself with good things rather than expending energy on tearing others down. You win.

Also, I agree with @wintersong139 - everytime you have a negative thought about yourself (particularly as it relates to your body) try to counter that thought with the good things your body is doing right now. For example, my body is protecting and growing my LO. My body is providing nourishment to my LO. My legs are strong and have carried me through this life.

If the feeling of disgust with yourself persists beyond an occasional negative experience or two, talk to your doctor about it - your OB or your PCP. Perinatal depression is real and can manifest this way.

lizzybean · September 2014

I am sorry you heard such awful people saying such awful things about you!! What a couple of bitches. I saw a quote on FB recently.

"Don't listen to those that talk about you behind your back. They are behind you for a reason."

You are better than them. Women that talk like that are honestly just sad human beings.

Just know that your body is doing amazing things right now. Something I try to do is always feel cute. I buy bright, colourful maternity tops to keep me feeling cute and celebrate my bump!

Hang in there momma.

mrsherr22 · September 2014

They were really grown women? I can't believe they would even act like that. I'm sorry that you had to go throught that. Weight gain and body changes are a true challenge in pregnancy.

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

@AprilRose1‌ I'm sorry if you felt my concern as being a slap in the face to you. I wasn't trying to be rude, and yes I do know we have a lot of weight conscious women on here, me being one of them. But as I was a semi obese person before getting pregnant and the fact that yes I have lost a significant amount makes me very happy, it's still a struggle when I don't physically see the change is all I was getting at. I apologize for upsetting you or anyone else on this board with this post. If Sugah or TheGoodPotato decides to close this thread, I completely understand. I was just deeply concerned for my mental well-being, not so much the physical. But I do appreciate the support and help in helping me see the brighter side of the problem. I will definitely be looking at myself in a new light.

Beth.1212 · September 2014

OP, I'm so sorry that you're running into so many rude, thoughtless people! I wouldn't blame you for telling those women, "Yes, I am pregnant, and you've made me feel really badly about my current weight and shape with your comments. Please keep them to yourself in the future or, at the very least, make sure that the person you're talking about isn't anywhere even remotely close by."

Congrats on the healthier lifestyle that has led to your weight loss - I know that is really tough to adopt healthier habits! Know that, regardless of what a few jerks might be saying, you're doing what's best for the health of you and your baby, and that's what's important.

MrsTucker2011 · September 2014

AprilRose1 said:
So I'm going to be the asshole here but I thought this board had a weight related post because I'm so sick of hearing about it. You've LOST 35lbs and you feel bad about your body? Honesty I know nothing about your health but please don't come on here talking about weight loss when plenty of people also in recovery are struggling with weight gain. It's kind of a slap in the face.

I don't think that's how most of us took this post. She mentioned she lost a lot of weight, but was hurt because of comments people were making about her size. I too am annoyed by people posting "ermahgersh! I look so skinny! Am I think only one????" But I wouldn't put this post in that category.

@StephanieLBerg‌ I'm sorry you had to hear people being rude. I got comments like that frequently (to my face from customers) last time when I was working at a restaurant. People lose their filter. PPs had good advice about staying positive. Hang in there.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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Smyers2girls · September 2014

Ok, so I may get some hate from this post, but I don't care. And it's going to be a long one. I just want to put out there, we are all women. We all have some type of insecurities about ourselves because, unfortunately, that is how society has taught us to be. We all have our own stories, and I wish people would keep that in mind before judging another women on her looks or weight. I'll admit, the "I'm not showing" posts are quite annoying, but I don't think the ppl that are concerned they're not gaining enough weight are trying to throw it in anyone's face. So here's my story. I've always been small. No bigger than 5' 2" and 115. But after I gave birth to DD #1, my hormones didn't level out right and I ended up with Graves' diesease. For those of you who don't know, it's a form of hyperthyroidism. I lost so much weight that my body went into a rare thing called thyroid shock. Organs were shutting down and I almost died. When I finally got healthy enough to go back to work, I was shocked at the comments ppl made towards me. I've had ppl ask me "omg, how much do you weigh?" "What size are you?" Would someone ever say that to an overweight women? It hurt me just as much! I had one lady make a comment on how skinny I was and I replied telling her, " yeah, I have a thyroid problem and have been going through radiation treatment." She replied with "yeah, you look like you have a problem!" I was appalled and so hurt I couldn't help but start bawling. Whether you are saying someone is over weight or too skinny, you're telling them they are not "normal" and not good enough. @StephanieLBerg‌, screw those ladies!!! No matter what your weight you are beautiful and have a beautiful life growing inside you! It's so hard to not dwell on other ppl's opinions, but just try to remember that and feel lovely in your own skin no matter your size. Again, everyone has their own story. Let's all try and remember that and empower our fellow women instead of being so quick to judge!

agm04 · September 2014

DH and I went to a wedding Saturday night - a bunch of his college friends. I don't know them particularly well. Before getting pregnant, I was in great shape. I whined about my body at the time, but I was muscular and lean. Now I feel really squishy, and I'm not full on showing yet - just very soft and have a slightly protruding stomach. It's really uncomfortable, especially around people I haven't seen in a long time. I can't help but feel like people wonder what happened to me, even though they know I'm pregnant, since I'm not really showing fully.

I'm just saying I feel your pain. I'm VERY insecure about my body right now too, and it's really hard when it seems like people are fueling it. We are doing something amazing though. I try to focus on that.

Cookie0875 · September 2014

I'm so sorry you've come across people that have made you feel badly. You've got some good advice here. Keep your head up!

kimmykaye · September 2014

In the words of Stephanie Tanner (Full House), "How rude!" I can't understand how people can be so mean and insensitive. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. My emotions are so crazy right now, I think I probably would have cried. The littlest thing will make me bawl like crazy. Stay strong and try to be positive about yourself.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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mamabumkin · September 2014

I feel your pain. I haven't had any comments that I've heard, though I have been told about a few things said behind my back by my mother (saying it to my daughter)... When I met my husband I was 145lbs. When we got married I was around 160lbs. I was very unhappy that I had gained weight in that time. By the time I got pregnant I was somewhere between 175 and 180.

Before I met my husband I went through a year long bout of semi anorexia. I say semi because I was still eating a little bit, like 10 or 20 crackers or a bowl of ramen noodles a day, or every other day. I pretty much lived on coffee and cigarettes for about a year--might have been a little longer than that. I went from being about 200lbs to dropping down to 140lbs. I was also extremely active and spent most of my day on my feet and running around a laser tag facility. So you'd think I'd have lost more. But I was is pretty good shape. I felt good, and felt sexy. When I broke up with my ex and got together with my now husband I started eating a little more regularly, and I had also given up smoking. I didn't feel gross yet though, only gaining a few pounds.

Since we've been married we haven't been overly active due to our currently living circumstances. We try to get out of the house and go places to be active, but sometimes gas money needs to be spared to the point that going extra places just isn't possible. Owning your own business doesn't always mean you make any wages for the first several years. And I spend far too much time on a computer promoting and advertising.

I gained 20lbs so far in this pregnancy, and I'm eating healthier than I was before I got pregnant. But I feel like a giant fat cow, or a beached whale. My husband will make loving and sometimes very horny comments about my boobs or ass and it is all I can do to not roll my eyes and make some snarky comment that he's full of crap. I know he's not, he genuinely finds me sexy, but because I don't, because I feel gross, I have a hard time accepting his compliments and come ons.

People I don't see very often that I know see me now and while they don't say anything, they have that look when they see me that says "Damn she gained all that weight back." I make mention that we're expecting and it's like relief washes over them and they're like "Oh I thought something was up, congrats" ... which simply means, "thank god you're pregnant I just thought you were fat again."

I have had such a struggle for years with my weight, fluctuating as a teenager -- finally losing it just before getting pregnant with my daughter when I was 18. I had a hard time after having two kids really young with getting my weight back to my prepregnancy weight of 125. (I'm not quite 5'4" so extra weight on me is very noticeable.) Sadly the first time I got to that weight it took starving myself for months too.

Oddly enough my husband has the opposite problem, he's always been thin and has trouble gaining weight. Where I've gained 30+ lbs he's gained 5lbs and it's all on his little bitty tummy. He's almost 6ft and is about 145, and he can eat anything and everything.

I feel you Stephanie, and I'm right there with you as far as feelings of not looking pregnant but only looking fat and having people say things...though often them saying things is nothing compared to what goes through our own minds when we are quiet and alone with our thoughts. We are probably more brutal on ourselves, and getting comments from external sources only works to reinforce the negative thoughts we have about ourselves.

I try to ignore it. I know I'm unhappy feeling all fat and round. But I am just taking each day as it comes, eating as healthy as I can every day, not beating myself up for having a treat every now and then, and know that once I have the baby I will be breastfeeding (hopefully) and will need the extra fat I have right now as energy for that process, plus come spring LO and I going to make very good use of our jogging stroller.

I'm not sure what you are doing to lose weight, but just make sure you are staying healthy, no matter what your inner critic or a-holes around you say, you are pregnant, you are bringing a life into this world, and it takes a lot of energy to do so.

Hugs!

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

Thank you @mamabumkin‌. It's very reassuring to know that I am not the only one who thinks in that way. It is difficult, especially being told, while growing up, that your once used to be best friends ditch you because "they can't be seen hanging around a fat girl if they want to be popular." It really hurts. But fortunately I am staying healthy, eating right, and have just now started seeing some of my energy come back, so now I can start exercising again. I know that people around me don't see the changes being made to my body. Although, some people have told me that my legs, face, and arms do look thinner; so it's nice to know that a change is noticeable.

And yes, I am in the same boat as you as far as hubby making sexual advances and me wanting to tell him he's barking up the wrong tree, but I know deep down he's genuine about it. I know he finds me just as attractive today, as the day he met me 11 years and 50lbs ago. But, given how I feel about myself, its hard to let the positive sink in when we've had such negativity thrown at us all our lives. And my hubby has the same problem as yours. We both start weight watchers, I drop 5lbs one week, he drops 15lbs. Its maddening and its all because of his overproduction of testosterone. Although, I think I'm the one making him jealous at the moment. He's been trying to whip himself into shape to join the Seattle P.D. next year, however, his dieting hasn't gone so well and he is a little upset by it. Whereas I am able to eat whatever I want and am still steadily losing it. It's all the baby's doing I am sure of it, but still I can tell it bothers him.

But, what we need to take away from all this, if anything, is that we are doing a beautiful thing and though we may be upset about the side effects now, come February it all won't matter. We just need to love ourselves for who we are and what we are doing. Not every woman has the mental and emotional stability we all have to complete this journey, even once, let alone multiple times. Just know that you are beautiful, your daughter believes you are beautiful, and your hubby obviously finds you drop dead gorgeous, no matter how much weight you gain or lose. At the end of the day, the opinions of those that truly support us no matter what, like your husband and daughter; their opnions of you are all that matters.

CatLadyTX · September 2014

FTR, I'm fat and pregnant. I would have called those twats out as I was leaving.
Don't be ashamed of your body. You have overcome a lot of obstacles and you are carrying a small miracle.

erobbins09 · September 2014

Is it bad that all this post makes me think is "sheesh.. Maybe it will be easier if I find out I'm having a boy..?" There's a lot of hurt, and a lot of truth in these posts. Being a girl can be so hard. I've shared before that my weight got pretty bad and in the two years prior to PG I've lost 45-50lbs and have been apprehensive about weight gain during pregnancy. I know it's going to sound selfish but I have total faith that my baby is fine.. So when I go to appointments I am really just fearful about getting on that scale and watching all of my "hard work" go to waste as the scale climbs back up.

BUT... I'm also someone who seeks to forgive the people in my life.. So now I am focusing that forgiveness on myself... I am trying to forgive myself and accept that though I haven't always made healthy choices.. I know better now. So now when I am putting on the weight I know that it isn't because I am being unhealthy, it is because I am making a nice cushy home for my baby to thrive for the next several months. This has allowed me to smile through the comments (though I haven't received the treatment you have but I'm in a new town so people don't know me).

I have found myself making better choices, and really trying to step up to the plate for my little blueberry. I am more off a vigorous work out fiend than a healthy eater... But I've forced myself to switch that. I guess what I am saying is, try to find the real purpose of the weight gain/loss/noticeable belly and embraces the process. I know it's hard. I struggle too. But this is just SO much bigger than cunty bitches and their comments. Good luck.

mamabumkin · September 2014

You know I don't think boys get out of the hurt from being overweight either. My ex is short and really obese, and had been so most of his life. He's 5'5" and when I met him he was 220lbs, at his largest he was pushing 400. He had serious anger issues because he was always the fat guy on top of his short guy complex. When we had an argument, he'd throw any weight gain I had in my face and call me fat and lazy and disgusting. I know a lot of that was projecting on his part, but it still left me scarred from years of dealing with his verbal abuse.

Unfortunately my son has a weight issue too. I try to get him to be active, I try to get him to eat healthy, but from an early age his father pushed on him larger portions than he needed to eat and would scream at him (and his sister) if they didn't finish his plate. When I gave them meals I would give them much smaller portions, if they finished it they could have seconds (another small portion) but I never made them eat all that was on their plate if they didn't want it. To me that's just setting a child up for an eating disorder from a very early age.

So now my son has some serious anger issues, though not the same as his father, because my son has a lot of me in him. But I see him being rejected by his peers because he is chubby. Worse yet, my parents and his other set of grandparents like to make comments about his weight while at the same time buying and giving him junk food!

Boys really aren't much easier than girls, simply that their body image issues are different than ours.

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