SO threatening divorce

adrenalina19 · September 2014

I need some insight here. SO is threatening divorce if I dont name the baby after his father if its a boy. Granted, I did say before we got married that I was ok with that but I didn't know his father at that point either. Now he's saying that he wouldn't have married me if he knew this. Is this not crazy? Am I not allowed to change my mind? Our marriage has been in the shitter anyway since he cheated on me after our first child (he says its not cheating, but he made an okcupid profile and was sexting with 8 women). Anyway I'm tired of this shit and ready to move on with my life...just looking for some unbiased opinions

taahira · September 2014

Wow, dosent sound like a decent guy at all..run girl as fast as you can. Do not turn back, and create a great life with your babies without him.

SuperFudge00 · September 2014

What PPs said.

vickersh1 · September 2014

If he would have based his decision on whether or not you would name your future son after his dad, then his intentions weren't about you. I say pick up and move on with your life for your babies sake.

ETA: can't spell this morning.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

He said I need to go to counseling regarding the name issue.

vickersh1 · September 2014

adrenalina19 said:

He said I need to go to counseling regarding the name issue.

Ha! Wow - sounds like he is the one that needs some counseling...IMO

ETA: spelling is really hard for me this morning...

SuperFudge00 · September 2014

I would like to add, and this doesn't matter since he is a jerkface, That I would be very upset if DH didn't allow me to incorporate my mother, grandmother and grandfather's names. They have all passed and this is something very important to me. But I would never threaten divorce over it.

vickersh1 · September 2014

kristieandjason2010 said:

I would like to add, and this doesn't matter since he is a jerkface, That I would be very upset if DH didn't allow me to incorporate my mother, grandmother and grandfather's names. They have all passed and this is something very important to me. But I would never threaten divorce over it.

Agreed - incorporating or coming to a compromise is one thing. Making the comment that he wouldn't have married her in the first place had he known she wouldn't name their unborn son after his father is another.

Maybe you both going to counseling is an option - you two could come to some sort of agreement where both are happy with the outcome.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

Swoon13 said:
Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner.

Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!

He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....

SuperFudge00 · September 2014

adrenalina19 said:

Swoon13 said:
Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner.

Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!
He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....

I dare you both!! Now I call MUD!!

fartsandcrafts · September 2014

Using threats in attempt to get your own way, especially threatening your marriage, is emotionally abusive. As others have recommended, try counseling if you believe your marriage is worth saving. Only you can make the call on this. Also, open up to family and friends. It's a far more vulnerable situation to open up to people who know you both, but it's the only way to get solid advice that will bring about change.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

Divorcing him is going to be a genuine nightmare because guess what. ..he is a family attorney and does this for a living. He is going to screw me over in every way he can

vickersh1 · September 2014

adrenalina19 said:

Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner. Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!
He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....

I'm no lawyer - but I would tell him go for it. I don't see that holding. I'm sure the judge would laugh as well.

littlewest1 · September 2014

Oh honey, I think you have way bigger problems than the name of your child.

fartsandcrafts · September 2014

adrenalina19 said:

Divorcing him is going to be a genuine nightmare because guess what. ..he is a family attorney and does this for a living. He is going to screw me over in every way he can

Being afraid of leaving him due to his occupation, is no reason to stay. He's in the wrong here with cheating and threats. No reason to shy away. I really don't think you need unbiased opinions on this. You need people who know you and deeply understand you to lay down some hard truth and make you feel supported.

Try to get in touch with a great lawyer now. It can be helpful whether you decide to pursue this or not.

BRNCLES · September 2014

Gross. Do yourself and your child(ren) a favor and kick HIM to the curb. Let him creep on weirdo Internet girls with wild abandon while you live a responsible life with your baby who most certainly shouldn't be named after his father under these circumstances.

Edit- my advice is assuming this isn't MUD. Sadly, I don't doubt the existence of scumbag men as described by OP above, although I hope for her sake this is fake.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

kristieandjason2010 said:

adrenalina19 said:

Swoon13 said:
Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner.

Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!
He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....
I dare you both!! Now I call MUD!!

What is MUD?

adrenalina19 · September 2014

angi3o said:

adrenalina19 said:

Swoon13 said:
Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner.

Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!
He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....
Sooo, what country do you live in?

We live in Jersey

adrenalina19 · September 2014

With a one year old baby, work, and this pregnancy I haven't had time to consult an attorney but Im going to start tonight. I appreciate all the support here, since I haven't told my friends or family since I basically expect this same response.

lindsayanne14 · September 2014

While it sounds as though your H is a bit of a nightmare, ending a marriage is a big deal. My personal opinion is couples therapy (if both parties are willing) and/or individual therapy is warranted as the decision to end a marriage is made. Having been through it myself once (no kids involved). I needed the counseling to help me process the situation and gain confidence in my decisions. Since children are involved, it's even more important to be sure you process what's going on, since they don't get a say in the state of their parent's marriage or what becomes of their family. I would want to be able to tell my children someday that I worked hard to find out if my marriage was one that could be salvaged.

On a side note...what family attorney threatens to go to court over a name?!? Talk about unnessesarily clogging up the legal system!

SuperFudge00 · September 2014

adrenalina19 said:

kristieandjason2010 said:

adrenalina19 said:

Swoon13 said:
Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner.

Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!
He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....
I dare you both!! Now I call MUD!!
What is MUD?

Made Up Drama.

ElizabethSwann · September 2014

You married a real winner.

What's the name anyway?

BRNCLES · September 2014

Oh, New Jersey. Please don't waste my glorious home state's already corrupt and wasteful time with such a stupid court case. Just divorce the man and call it a day like a normal person.

jk3610 · September 2014

If he's an attorney, doesn't he know that that's a waste of the court's time to take someone down over a name?

adrenalina19 · September 2014

kristieandjason2010 said:

adrenalina19 said:

kristieandjason2010 said:

adrenalina19 said:

Swoon13 said:
Ugh what the hell? He sounds like a real winner.

Run, don't walk! If it were just the naming issue I'd say try counseling. But the sexting? Okcupid profile? Nope! Dump that bastard, name the child something you like and don't look back!
He said he would take me to court to battle the name issue....
I dare you both!! Now I call MUD!!
What is MUD?
Made Up Drama.

And why would I make this up?

70point3 · September 2014

Wow.... How do people get into these kinds of messes?

Not healthy. Not at all for anyone.

Assuming it's not MUD, counseling (if it's not too far gone) for BOTH of you; him for being an all around tool and you to get past/come to terms with the online account/sexting and your needing to figure out priorities. (I haven't called a lawyer to help me because I went to work is setting a life priority)

TIP: I have 2 middle names. There are many creative ways to incorporate family names. My mom's family name is going to be baby boy's NN and dad's middle = baby boy's middle. And baby boy would get his last name for eternity, soooooo.... That's why I get first and middle. Baby girl? Made up newness all around.

If that's not happening... wish you all the best in getting out of that mess.

Ncountrygal · September 2014

He is acting incredibly selfishly. The name of your child is NOT a divorce type issue. His behavior IS. Has he always behaved this way? If not, there is probably something else going on with him. If you are willing to try counseling, more power to you. If he is, then you have a chance. Stay strong! What a sucky situation :-(

mckaminski · September 2014

I think he's full of it.

fro88 · September 2014

taking you to court over the name issue? Any judge in their right mind would throw the case away before it even began...

sounds like you have a tough decision to make. Ultimately, you must do what is best for you and the children. Good luck, hun!

ScarletOflaherty · September 2014

I wouldn't say MUD at all, my ex threatened to divorce me if I didn't give in and let my sons be circumcised, so I know this stuff happens. That said I should have known then he was a complete douchebag and left him. OP, learn from my mistake, I stayed with him another 4 years after that. It was miserable.

SuperFudge00 · September 2014

It just seems like more is added to every suggestion. I hope this is MUD because otherwise it's sad. If I'm wrong you have my apology and sympathy.

Rowsdower85 · September 2014

I feel like he's using his position as an attorney to intimidate you. There's no way he would have a case if he brought this to court. That's completely ludicrous. I don't generally believe in divorce unless there has been abuse or infidelity. And what he did online was absolutely cheating, as far as I'm concerned. If you have it in you to forgive and move on, and he's willing to go to therapy, then I'd suggest giving that a try. If he's too arrogant to go to counseling (which seems to be the case), then I'd lawyer up real quick. However, you need to be very mindful of everything you say and do at this point. He will be picking you apart looking for things to throw back at you in front of a judge. Also, document everything. He might be a narcissistic moron, but he's still a lawyer, and he knows what to expect in these situations... Try to think one step ahead. Good luck, I can't imagine juggling this mess on top of a pregnancy and another child. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

CaterinaC said:

adrenalina19 said:
With a one year old baby, work, and this pregnancy I haven't had time to consult an attorney but Im going to start tonight. I appreciate all the support here, since I haven't told my friends or family since I basically expect this same response.
I really hope that you are able to find a good attorney. Your husband sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. Based on your presentation of him, I am going to guess that he is the type of person who would never agree to participate in counseling. From his point of view, he hasn't done anything wrong so why would he need to change. Good luck.

He actually went to counseling for about a month after I caught him cheating

MudLover · September 2014

If counseling doesn't work make sure you have a good divorce attorney. Good luck with everything. I can't believe he is acting like that.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

natcan2 said:
@Rowsdower85 and @MOtownMama have very valid points! Find a way to document his okcupid account and his sexting. Also do not let him know if you see a therapist of any sort! Because he can twist that into you having a mental illness easily, and it's hard to get that straightened out.

Thats a good point, will keep that in mind

miahbelle · September 2014

Go find a lawyer, get their opinion. Most first consultations are free. I would get him for cheating and emotional abuse. Btw: you don't have to let the father name the child. At least not in my state... In my state none of the work is done by the father unless you aren't married and the father is accepting paternity.

jackieanddan1989 · September 2014

Lawyer up. I think that a marriage can survive a name dispute. A marriage can even survive cheating, but only if the guilty party is contrite,which you indicated that he isn't. I agree with the others that threatening divorce over a name is emotionally abusive. Also, if he is a lawyer, he must know that taking you to court would not work. He is only saying that to manipulate and verbally wound you.

My advice, gather all the evidence you can. If he has ever put in writing via text or email admitting that he cheated on you, or ever texted you with divorce threats over crazy things, save it. Get your phone records. If you have the same phone plan as him you could probably get direct evidence of his sexting with these other women. Print emails. Infidelity and threats will help YOUR case in court, regardless of whether or not he is lawyer.

mrsalvidrez · September 2014

Obviously there are a lot of emotions involved and it sucks when kids are involved but I hate when people "stay for the kids" it's not healthy for anyone including your kids. Your kids deserve to see you treated with respect so that they set those same standards for theirselves one day. This is a stupid thing to threaten divorce over and you deserve to be happy. Be strong and move on is what I suggest.

Sargeantpepper · September 2014

It might not even be a boy! That is ridiculous! What an ass! Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

PassTheNachos · September 2014

I'd take him right up on that divorce.

adrenalina19 · September 2014

snegde said:
Honestly you need to find some strength. A backbone. Your identity. If my husband said I'm going to divorce you of you don't name out child this. I would say "there's the fucking door. I look forward to papers from your attorney." Not that I don't adore my husband it's just that threats aren't acceptable in our marriage.

Hope you find the strength to be the woman you need to be for yourself and your children.

I appreciate your honesty. I needed to hear that. Im very overwhelmed thinking about everything that I'm about to face- I just need the strength to do it

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