How long to have Mom stay?

BrainCellSup · September 2014

I'm an FTM who is lucky enough to have my mother available to come stay with us and help when baby arrives. The issue I'm facing is that I've realized during two visits this summer where my mom came to stay for about a week that my patience with having someone else around wears thin very quickly. I recognize how awful this is, especially since my mom is lovely, but for whatever reason--being tired, just needing my own space (we live in a nyc apt and my mom doesn't really venture out on her own), or regressing to my teenage years--this is the reality. I want my mom around for her wisdom, experience, and comfort, and so she has time to bond with the baby. My family lives on the west coast, so my unease may partly be due to not being used to spending time with my mom regularly. Still, it's not fair to her for me to be all annoyed and short with her, and I worry this will get worse after the baby comes and I'm completely strung out. I always imagined I'd be begging my mom to stay as long as possible, and I feel guilty and stressed about all of this.

So, my question is, how long did you have help from a family member or someone else when baby arrived, or how long do you plan to have help if you're an FTM?

BrainCellSup · September 2014

@alissendis‌ Thank you for the advice! My mom is here right now, actually, so I'm very focused on this. (Also perseverating is a bad habit of mine and I just need to chill.) You're right, I'll be so incredibly grateful to have her help and I'll just have to make it up to her later if I get all mean!

Edit to add: @this+lullaby‌ I can't believe I didn't see that on Lucie's List after spending so many hours on that site researching baby gear!!

ahbEsq · September 2014

My mom stayed a week. After that week she went home but still came some during the days (she lives nearby) for another week or so but we were on our own for nighttime. I probably would have liked her to still stay overnight a little longer than a week but I know she wanted to get home and my husband wanted our house back. But again our situation was a little different bc she was still close by after she left.

bowlwoman · September 2014

My mom and dad came down after DD1 was born and stayed maybe 4-5 days, and MIL came out when DD2 was born to watch DD1, and she stayed probably a week. It was very nice to have the extra hands, but it was also very nice when they went home.

This time we're not having any family come in, and my best friend is going to watch the girls while I'm in the hospital.

One piece of advice both my mom and MIL gave to me: when you have a close family member staying with you after the birth of the baby, within a few days of the birth, you and SO go out for a few hours and leave the baby with the grandparent/aunt/friend, etc. as a sitter. That way, you've already broken the cherry of leaving the kiddo with someone else and you get a couple of hours away to celebrate being new parents without the stress of having the baby right there. DH and I went to see Borat.

byrne15 · September 2014

I'm lucky in the fact that my mom lives 3 miles away.

But in your situation...is she able to come when the baby is a couple weeks old??? or perhaps when your husband is back at work. I found myself needing the most help when the "newness" wore off and I still wanted help, but no one was really there.

MaineMama · September 2014

Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but I vote 1hr tops.

I just don't get having someone stay with you for the first week or however long. It just sets you up for disappointment/stress after they leave. I think its better to get into your own routine as soon as possible after coming home. You never know what you can do until you try.

kimba1976 · September 2014

My mom ended up staying for 2 weeks after DD was born but it was partly due to the fact that I was legit sick and could barely take care of myself, much less a baby. I think if she hadn't been there I'd have been back in the hospital. But by the end of the two weeks I was ready for her to go. She's lovely, but like your mom @braincellsup, she doesn't ever venture out, so she's was always there. She doesn't drive and can't help with the nursing, so once I felt better I was ready for some time alone with husband and baby. This time around she's coming for two weeks again, but mostly because I didn't have the heart to tell her that we really don't need her. Between me, my husband, and the nanny, who will stay on to help with DD during the day, I think we'll have things covered. But I won't deny her the chance to feel needed and bond with her grandchildren, even if I know my patience will wear thin at times.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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riansmommie · September 2014

With my first my mom was my neighbor so she just came over once a day. With my second my mom was here for 3 weeks, my MIL was here at the same time for 5 days. I nearly pulled my hair out and at one point his in my bedroom all day with the baby. This time I won't be overlapping time but will have my MIL here the week I give birth, my FIL and his wife will come the day after my MIL leaves for a week and then my mom and step dad will come. My stepdad will stay for a week and my mom will stay for 3-4. So I'll have help with my three for roughly 5-6 weeks. Normally I wouldn't do it this way though but my hubby is deployed. By the time my mom leaves and he gets home I'll only have to be alone with 3 kids (2u2) for 2 weeks max!

CandEChicago · September 2014

It's up to you but there is also the option of hiring a night nurse (insurance/finances pending). I was talking to someone who highly recommended it since it helped with baby/mommy transition back home before house guests arrive.

Eora3 · September 2014

I seriously do not want people in my house after I deliver. My recovery (c-sections) is hard enough without having to worry about guests.

I get seriously pissed at anyone that stays longer than an hour. I don't need anyone else to hold the baby and my husband is there to do the cooking and cleaning up. My DH and I are the only ones that need "bonding time". We are adults and perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. I really don't know what I would need someone else to do to "help".

smack427 · September 2014

How long is she wanting to come stay? I'm thinking a week or two would be plenty. I'm also fortunate that my mom lives 5 minutes from us-but she still keeps talking about having an extra bed in LO's room so she can come stay. MH says absolutely no!...and I agree. I'm also a FTM but I think it's important to have space to get settled and established as a family alone with your SO.

Kmm1023 · September 2014

My mom stayed a week last time and is planning to do the same after DH goes back to work. She will mostly take care of getting DD to and from school. My mom though is super awesome and will give us space in the evenings when DH is home.

VMac1984 · September 2014

My situation with DD might have been a little different than most, but I definitely needed help. I had PPD and she had reflux. Getting her to sleep and eat was a struggle. She used to cry for 3 hours every evening, and before and after every feeding. I ended up calling my mom every night for the first two weeks to come over so I could just have a mental break. Anyway, all if that was just a really long way of saying I don't think you'll know what you need until baby is here. I am not one to ask for help and I really didn't want anyone there for the first little while, but I was so appreciative of it in the end.

hollieandaaron2012 · September 2014

My mom is coming thanksgiving and then not leaving for at least two weeks! I am due December 1st. We are FT parents so we want all the help we can get and she and DH get along really well. She stayed with my older sister for three months when she had her first and her husband was deployed.

Cheekers2010 · September 2014

I think my mom stayed for two weeks when my DS was about 10 days old. She came from across the country, too, so it didn't make sense for her to stay much less. That said, I think you're totally normal. I was grateful to her for being there but also super grateful when she left. I certainly didn't want her around all the time and I definitely wasn't begging for her to stay longer. We needed time to develop our own routines and ways as a new little family without interference. This time my mom lives only about one hour away and won't be staying at all. I'm scared about how much she may be underfoot in fact. Eeeeek

marriedinaugust · September 2014

Last time was different because we lived with and near family so someone was always around. Right now we live near no one. In fact if I go into labor early DS will be at the birth with us because there is nowhere else for him to be. We will have rotating visitors for the first 3-4 weeks. MIL will be here first for 10 days then SIL for a few days then my mom and sister for a week or so. We live in a small 2br apt and it will be close quarters but I welcome the company.

ColeyCannoli · September 2014

I'm a FTM and this is a conundrum for me too. I don't have the best relationship with my mom so I definitely know I don't want her around our tiny apartment for a week but I have a friend who is just dying to "come help" along with my very sweet MIL. I just don't know. I'm a private person and I don't know yet how I'm going to feel after coming home with a newbie and struggling to get my barrings. My friend is a wonderful person but she's never had or taken care of a newborn so I feel like she's going to just be in the way... which feels terrible to say. She's offered to cook and clean though, so maybe it's worth it. I hate our apartment too because there's no real place for a guest to stay, at least not for a long period of time and I'd hate for everyone to be stepping over each other. Meh... I'm not helpful but I can at least say I totally understand.

racheldiaries · September 2014

FTM and live out of state from all of our family. I'm assuming my mom will stay a week or two. Then my in-laws will be coming some time in January after my parents have come and gone and we've had time to adjust. It's a love/hate knowing people will be here. DH will be deployed two-three months after she's born and it's important for him to get quality time in with me and her alone. At the same time, he'll be working a lot between then and the help may be needed and it'll be nice to have my folks and his come see their granddaughter since I don't know when the next time we'll see them will be.

colliebabe · September 2014

My MIL wanted to stay the first night but I was adamant that I wanted the first night home with DD to be just H and I. In the first few weeks my mom lives close so she would come by for a few hours at a time, and she did stay with me the first time H went away for a couple of nights. This time I wouldn't mind if my mom came during the day and helped with DD at first, mostly because I feel like she will need some attention if I'm BFing all the time.

Since it sounds like your mom is definitely coming, I would say a week sounds good. Just enough but not too much.

nolanova85 · September 2014

MaineMama said:
Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but I vote 1hr tops.
I just don't get having someone stay with you for the first week or however long. It just sets you up for disappointment/stress after they leave. I think its better to get into your own routine as soon as possible after coming home. You never know what you can do until you try.

This is what we're doing. My parents live 1000+ miles away. To even come at or around the birth would be a total guestimation, and last minute plane tix are super expensive. Plus, OP, don't feel bad. I love my mom and we are pretty close, but she visited for 4 days a few weeks ago for my shower and I almost lost my mind. It wasn't even so much her fault as it was just the fact that we have a small house, DH and I are pretty routined, etc.

We plan to be on our own for the first few weeks and HOPEFULLY by the time my parents show up just before Christmas we'll be getting into our groove.

rshamos · September 2014

I'm due 12/6. Mom is planning on staying until Christmas. I'm worried bc I love her but she drives me crazy!

Cryssteen · September 2014

I'm not nice enough to have people stay with me. Come over for a few hours. Let me take a shower. Then go home. Leave some food.

RayRay007 · September 2014

My mom is available and willing to come stay and help if I need it from 36 weeks on. With twins on the way, a 3 yo and DH working, I might take her up on that. If not, I'll ask her to come after DH and I have the first few days at home with the new babies. But my mom is actually helpful and I do not feel any need to entertain her at all. She is very comfortable in my house and will help herself. And she will cook and clean and take care of DD etc whereas I know a lot of times company just wants to fawn over the baby(ies).
Eta: I will probably want her to stay 1-2 weeks after babies are home.

ebilbao · September 2014

My MIL is from out of the country and is coming for Christmas and staying for two weeks. I don't know if she plans to actually help, or thinks we are going to be entertaining her. I wouldn't be shocked if she thought it was the latter. This is the woman who demanded I make her lunch on my wedding day when I was supposed to be getting ready, so I don't have much faith that she will be any help at all when she comes.

nopegoat · September 2014

No help really with #1, MIL was suppose to watch our oldest for #2 missed the birth stayed 2 days was just in the way so we sent her home. This go around I am hoping to fly my mom in to watch my boys while I am in labor. I have no clue how long though. I went into labor 10 and 9 days early so we will probably fly her out right before 39wks and we probably leave a week after delivery.

trizzie · September 2014

I have two kids already and one that will need to be driven to school. Since I can't drive after my c/section - my mom will be staying at least a week.

devinefisch · September 2014

My mom lives about 20 min away and at first I was thinking I'd want her to come stay with us but the more I REALLY considered it.. now I'm thinking not at all. My SO is taking 3-4 weeks off and I figure between the two of us we can feed ourselves, do laundry, and take care of a newborn. Sure it might be tough to figure out and I'll definitely be calling her a lot to start but staying over seems extreme. If we lived out of state and had a guest room then I could see her staying for maybe a few days but nothing past that! We need time to figure things out on our own.

BrainCellSup · September 2014

Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It has been enormously helpful reading through these responses--I'm really glad I'm not alone in wanting my space and to be honest I'm now completely rethinking how to go about this both in terms of the details of length of stay and also my approach to communicating with my mom.

You all have articulated so much of what I felt but couldn't quite name--the need for boundaries, not wanting to feel like I'm being watched, and feeling the pressure to keep my mom entertained in a sense. I also don't want her to feel unloved or unwanted!

Thanks for the space to vent; you guys rock!!

vintagejjane · September 2014

STM here. My mom stayed for 4 days with DD and that was plenty. Make a list of things that need to be done. If she truly is there to help, then the list will keep her busy. My mom busied herself with cooking, laundry, and cleaning (which she enjoys doing) She also helped me out a lot by taking the baby so I could sleep for an hour or two. But 4 days was good. Not too long, not too short.

runnerbikergirl · September 2014

I felt this way with my mom before my daughter was born but by the end of her visit I was begging her to stay! You just never know how you're going to feel!!

Zelda925 · September 2014

Take as much help as you can get! I survived off of help the first few weeks after my daughter was born as I had a csection and was so swollen I couldn't even put on my own underwear for over a week. Also, you can't lift more than 10 lbs (can't carry carsest) or drive (you and your baby will have check up appts) etc. plus who feels like cooking? Although if you breastfeed you'll be ravenous. So.... I live in Germany and I just purchased my mom's plane ticket. I have a csection scheduled 12-15 and she's come on 11/19 (because my daughter came 3.5 weeks early) and she's flying back 1/10. You may need help before the baby comes. In my case- I was put on bed rest after increasing bp and my mom was a lifesaver as she cleaned my home and did all of my daughter's laundry- yah I was a ftm- not prepared and still had all of my tags on her clothes, lol. So my advice is prepare at least a month beforehand because you never ever know what could happen.

BLH2014 · September 2014

No one will be staying overnight, but people will be stopping by for daytime help, including my mom, grandma and possibly my MIL (not sure if she plans to or not, haven't really asked but I wouldn't stop her).

mlee116 · September 2014

My mom came in from out of town and stayed with us for a week after DS was born and I was glad to have her there. But I was also very ready for her to go! Like PP's said, newborns sleep a lot anyways and we were ready to have our house back and establish a routine. DH felt like he couldn't really relax with her there and couldn't do the stuff he normally would in his own house, like strip down to his boxers and have a beer and I felt like everything I was doing was out on display.

This time, no one is staying overnight since we now live very close to our families. And I am so glad! Although I'm sure that we will have lots of visitors during the day so we might have another situation to deal with, haha.

tigrish611@yahoo.com · September 2014

I have both my Mom & MIL nearby & willing to take off to help after the birth, which is wonderful & I will appreciate the help BUT I know I will need some space occasionally. I know I have had less patience with both during pregnancy because of hormones, so hoping after the birth will be easier/better.

taylojade57 · September 2014

At first my mum was going to come stay with us the first few weeks because of DH's schedule, but we just found out that he doesn't deploy again until March/April (yaay!), so we will see how the first few duty days go in February and play it by ear.
Also, my church Sunday school class brings dinner for the first few weeks for all new parents (unless they turn it down), so that is covered!

allfalldown14 · September 2014

My mom and I are really close and she will be staying a month. I know we will probably snap at each other at some point but I will need her help especially having a c-section and 2 very energetic girls! Also, I'm a single mom, so there's that. It will be fun to have her here over Christmas.

kalynn12 · September 2014

My mom lives fairly far away (2.5 flight) so she has booked a flight for 10 days before my due date and staying for a month. We have a large dog so I know we will need help with walking (esp if it is icy here) her, plus she will help cook and clean. My mom drives me a little crazy so I am scared about a month but I know she will keep herself busy and I am sure I will appreciate all the help I can get. Fingers crossed anyways

emmyjoy11 · September 2014

Well since my mom won't be here

very sad. My MIL will be here for me! She's awesome and we get along great!! We are pretty close and have gotten closer since the passing of my mom. So she feels like she needs to step in and step up and she lives 5 hrs away so she's coming A wk before the baby is born and staying a wk after. She will be awesome and she's cooks really good and will clean I am sure!! So no worries!

lovelovelove09 · September 2014

My mom and I are super close, but I am not doing this lol

Serunatu · September 2014

I see I'm late to the thread, but as a (single)FTM my mom will definitely be staying with me after the baby arrives to help out as I need it. She only lives about 30 minutes away, so we don't have to plan a trip and time period for her to come. She has once mentioned "maybe I can get the whole month off work!" and I about died.. "Aw, weekend help is fine, mom!"

One thing my mom told me after a discussion about how annoyed kids get after spending too much time with their parents was, "You realize we get sick of you too right? We love you, but you can be really annoying!" I thought that was great.

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