Ok, so Dr. Sears claims that attachment parenting is easy. IT'S NOT EASY. My baby is 1 month old, and I still have no idea how to make him feel better when he's distressed. He hates the baby carrier, and I'm not sure how to make it work for us. I feed on demand, and he nurses A LOT. That doesn't worry/bother me... I'll nurse him until the cows come home, but I feel like I overfill his belly because he spits up a lot after eating and I don't want to hurt his belly. He shares a bed with us, but he has his own sleeping pad (for sake of a better word) which keeps him safe (I'm terrified of suffocating him, and this is really the best of both worlds,) but he seems restless when I put him there, even though I'm right next to him.
I guess I thought that if I did all the right things, that I'd know him so much better by now, but I feel like I don't know him at all. I have a hard time responding to his needs because I can't figure them out. And I can't really seem to get this AP thing right, either.
I don't really know who to talk to about this. I don't have any close friends with kids, and my mom passed in March.
I'm just really lost. :-/
Re: Dr. Sears totally lied
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that said, you might want to consider talking to a therapist if you really feel overwhelmed. you've had a major recent loss and having a baby is a huge life change. there's no shame in talking to someone.
be gentle with yourself. i promise it will get easier.
Way to show support. Are you usually this much of a judgmental jerk?
Thank you, everyone BESIDES MrsMuq, for your kind and supportive words. I am struggling right now, and your words were really helpful.
Also, remember that every single facet of AP might not be right for *your* family. For us, babywearing and breastfeeding were the way to go, but bed-sharing (while we do it sometimes) really wasn't. Instead of trying to make sure that you're meeting Dr. Sears' needs, relax (haha) a little, and think about what will meet your baby's and yours best, and what feels right to YOU.
What is not mentioned enough in AP books and circles is that, while the techniques have been used since the dawn of time and should be second nature, historically child rearing happened in the context of a village, with 24/7 support for mom and baby. The dilemma of what to do with the baby while you go to the bathroom, take a shower, or do dishes, is a distinctly modern problem. Women were meant to have support from their village, so *someone* is always holding baby, but not always mom. And someone is making meals for mom, available to step in whenever...and we just don't have that. So yeah, it is hard. You have to take it easy on yourself and realize that you can't fulfill the baby's needs until you take care of your own. Ask for help! Find a local group of moms you can rely on for support (API has local chapters). AP isn't hard, it's doing it alone that's hard.
I think you are better off not trying to force something. If babies basic needs are being met, then you just have to try different things. Sometime what works one day doesn't work the next. And just when you think you have it figured out, they change again.
It's very hard and a big adjustment. But it does get easier. One day at a time right now and it will get better. Good luck!
More Green For Less Green
I did want to mention that our lactation specialist (who was AMAZING and is my doctors wife) said that mothers are designed to NOT squash our babies while we sleep lol. She said it is just one of those "nature" things, we were designed to sleep with our babies and not crush them.
Since then I have slept with LO (right from those first couple weeks) in our bed a lot, or on the sofa, or wherever, and I haven't crushed her once lol
Also joining a moms group on meetup.com can help. Getting out of the house for the library or walking around the mall helps too. It helps to get out and know you're not alone. All new moms learn together!
Everything in perspective. First, that your baby is unique. Your baby may not like being in a carrier. That does not mean you're failing. It does not mean that you should feel guilty about putting him in a bouncer if he's happier there. All these techniques and tools are basically ideas that might help your baby or might not. It's good to give them a try and troubleshoot if needed, but if you've given it all you've got and it's not working for your baby or for you, that's ok!
Second, exactly what deux said, our culture is not set up to support the mother, yet attachment parenting puts a TON of pressure on mothers to be ever-present for their children. Because, yes, babies need their needs responded to, but to expect the mother to be able to give, give, give 24/7 without HER needs being met is unrealistic. If we lived in a community setting where "grandmas" or "aunties" or someone was available to meet the baby's needs while mom napped or showered or got out of the house to refuel, it'd be easier for moms to be attentive and nurturing when they were around their babies.
There is ONE paragraph that acknowledges mothers can't be "on" 24/7 in Sears' Nighttime Parenting book. He talks about ONE mother who realized that she couldn't be a good nighttime parent and a good daytime parent, too. I think she had a lot of children and she decided she wouldn't be cosleeping because she needed SOME time away from her children to be a good mom. And Sears seemed to be ok with that, BUT he only made ONE paragraph of his book about that, and the rest of the book is all about being present with your child through the entire night. Blink and you'll miss it.
Your situation is unique, your baby is unique, and you need to do what you can to be a good mother most of the time. No one is expecting you to be a perfect AP mother 24/7. Do what you can to be attentive and nurturing to your child MOST of the time while still maintaining your sanity. Because YOU matter. Your mental and physical health matters. This is not easy, so you need support, too. Think of ways you can get the support/breaks you need. Ask a counselor for ideas, or even ask the moms on these boards.
You're doing great.
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