Baby shower info

Alocin412 · September 2014

Hi guys! So I'm having my first, due Feb 27

and we couldn't be more excited. What is the proper protocol as far a showers go? My Mom lives in the UK and I believe she would be the one to throw the shower. My step-mother and best friend think showers are a waste of time and a waste of a weekend afternoon.

I think I'm out of options and hopes of having a baby shower. Who has thrown yours for you?

Nicola

ordinary1 · September 2014

Anyone can offer to throw a shower. However, you don't get to ask or 'hint' for someone to throw you a shower. You can't throw yourself one and neither can SO. If no one offers, no shower.

foxslaw · September 2014

Hey! Nicola. That's my sister's name! I never hear it. How cool.

HerHighness · September 2014

My mom and sisters threw mine. I do know that in some circles that is inappropriate for mothers to throw showers but its normal where im from.

The correct answer to who should throw your shower is..... Whomever offers. It can be a friend, a relative, coworker... Anyone .....but the important thing is that you dont ask anyone to throw you one.

foxslaw · September 2014

Also brace yourself & special order some thick skin for this topic.

Alocin412 · September 2014

I would never ask or hint for someone to throw one. Just wondering is all. People keep asking me and I just say that I'm not having one.

foxslaw · September 2014

I don't know if this is proper etiquette...but hear me out...and ladies feel free to sound off.

I'm assuming from your original post that your mom has already offered? Is she wanting to fly to where you are and throw you one? Is that something that would be acceptable/normal in your family? I know MY MOM would do that without asking, and I know it would be impolite to ask. However, if she offers to fly in & throw you one...is that bad etiquette? Even if she pays for everything & what not?

MichaelaMTP · September 2014

Alocin412 said:
I would never ask or hint for someone to throw one. Just wondering is all. People keep asking me and I just say that I'm not having one.

Where do you live? I'll throw you one.

Alocin412 · September 2014

No, she hasn't offered and that's ok. I'm not expecting one at all. I was/am only curious because I keep getting asked about one. She'll be here in Feb when I have the baby.

foxslaw · September 2014

I know you shouldn't ask/hint, but I'm sure someone wants to throw you one if you keep getting asked! It'll all work out for you!

MichaelaMTP · September 2014

PS I wasn't being sarcastic. I think everyone should have one. I've never known someone not to have one or even thought to question someone about whether or not they're having one.

Alocin412 · September 2014

You're sweet! I'm totally fine! I work most weekends anyway (flight attendant). I have another girlfriend who's a pilot and was/is dealing with the inquiries as well.

Alocin412 · September 2014

You are all so sweet!

Alocin412 · September 2014

Thanks for all the great advice and feedback!!

mylazypony · September 2014

I don't think showers are very common in the UK. Baby's dad is British and he giggled and said you Americans, when I said I was having a shower. Do what you want and whatever you feel comfortable with. I asked my friends to help with more of a coed party. Not a traditional shower.

ordinary1 · September 2014

mylazypony said:
I don't think showers are very common in the UK. Baby's dad is British and he giggled and said you Americans, when I said I was having a shower. Do what you want and whatever you feel comfortable with. I asked my friends to help with more of a coed party. Not a traditional shower.

Are you throwing your own shower or just having a party?

Alocin412 · September 2014

Thanks!!

Alocin412 · September 2014

Coed party sounds fun tho

mylazypony · September 2014

@ordinary1‌ I'm having a party at my house. My best friend back home had a coed shower at her place, sent out evites. It was very casual. So I want to duplicate that. I have an even split of girlfriends and guy friends. None of which locally have kids, I'm the first. So I asked my best friend that lives below me if she'd help. She was thrilled and recruited help. I then read on this board how asking is sooo not okay, which didn't even cross my mind, when I asked,mainly because I'm not asking her to spend her dollars on refreshments or anything really. I just know she is really great about this stuff, more so than me. Anyhow she and I are super close and open and I asked her later if asking her was rude and she responded with .,,what? Why is it rude? We all come from different places and yes overall there might be a general rule but everyone and every circle is different. And lastly this is more of a baby party. No games, food but no cake and yes boys allowed. My friends are doing all the prep and leg work.

MrsTucker2011 · September 2014

sugahcookie01 said:

Alocin412 said:

No, she hasn't offered and that's ok. I'm not expecting one at all. I was/am only curious because I keep getting asked about one. She'll be here in Feb when I have the baby.

I'd say that you're doing the right thing by telling people there are no plans for one. However, I think it'd be okay to say "No one has offered to host one, so it looks like I won't be having one." Perhaps some of the people asking you will offer, but you didn't ASK them to.

This ^^^ Maybe they're asking because they're interested in throwing you one.

MrsTucker2011 · September 2014

mylazypony said:
@ordinary1‌ I'm having a party at my house. My best friend back home had a coed shower at her place, sent out evites. It was very casual. So I want to duplicate that. I have an even split of girlfriends and guy friends. None of which locally have kids, I'm the first. So I asked my best friend that lives below me if she'd help. She was thrilled and recruited help. I then read on this board how asking is sooo not okay, which didn't even cross my mind, when I asked,mainly because I'm not asking her to spend her dollars on refreshments or anything really. I just know she is really great about this stuff, more so than me. Anyhow she and I are super close and open and I asked her later if asking her was rude and she responded with .,,what? Why is it rude? We all come from different places and yes overall there might be a general rule but everyone and every circle is different. And lastly this is more of a baby party. No games, food but no cake and yes boys allowed. My friends are doing all the prep and leg work.

Qfp

ordinary1 · September 2014

mylazypony said:
@ordinary1‌ I'm having a party at my house. My best friend back home had a coed shower at her place, sent out evites. It was very casual. So I want to duplicate that. I have an even split of girlfriends and guy friends. None of which locally have kids, I'm the first. So I asked my best friend that lives below me if she'd help. She was thrilled and recruited help. I then read on this board how asking is sooo not okay, which didn't even cross my mind, when I asked,mainly because I'm not asking her to spend her dollars on refreshments or anything really. I just know she is really great about this stuff, more so than me. Anyhow she and I are super close and open and I asked her later if asking her was rude and she responded with .,,what? Why is it rude? We all come from different places and yes overall there might be a general rule but everyone and every circle is different. And lastly this is more of a baby party. No games, food but no cake and yes boys allowed. My friends are doing all the prep and leg work.

So the answer is you're throwing your own shower. Yes, social norms are different everywhere. However I have never heard of it being acceptable to throw yourself a gift giving event.

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

My mom, grandma, aunt, and two best friends are throwing mine, the week after Christmas actually. I never asked, my mom just came to me one day and said that she planned to throw it in January. Now I made the suggestion to my mom that January seemed kinda close to my due date, especially if I go into labor early like she, my grandma, and my aunt did. So I kinda hinted that maybe the week between Christmas and New Years would be better as we'd be through the holidays, but still be able to take advantage of the end of the year sales everyone has right after Christmas. That way we would have more time to spend our gift cards from the shower and Christmas, and to set up the nursery before baby gets here.

Now, I told her it was completely up to her and that I wasn't trying to be a momzilla, but she said, "No no, you're right! That does make more sense!" So I think if you were to just throw in your suggestions about your baby shower, that's one thing; but to demand one is something completely different. But again, like pps have said, ever social circle is different. And I know my mom well enough that a suggestion here and there from me won't seem like I'm trying to take over.

animalcrckr · September 2014

I was in a similar situation when pregnant with my first. We lived a few thousand miles away from both sets of grandparents and siblings. Either my mother, MIL or one of my sisters would of loved to throw a baby shower but it was just not feasible. Their gift to us was visiting after DS was born. That meant much more to me than having a shower. They could only make one visit and it would of been silly to have them travel that far for a shower and then not be able to see DS until he was a year old.

It's totally ok not to have one. Your baby won't care at all:)

schnitz9 · September 2014

A good friend of mine didn't have a formal shower. She invited everyone out to dinner at a restaurant and we all brought presents for her. I didn't find it tacky at all. She just didn't want all the hoopla of a shower. In the jewish religion it is actually taboo to have a shower. Many jews are having showers now, but it really is frowned upon. Everything for the baby actually happens after the baby is born. My mom is throwing me a shower. She never really offered and I never really asked either. It was just basically assumed by both. Almost all of my good friends live up north as I've only been down here about 4 1/2 years. I really didn't care if it sounded tacky but I wanted to have a shower and the only people down here are my family so they are planning it. My advice to you is do whatever you want. Every women deserves some sort of attention with her first child. It really isn't about the gifts its about the celebration. If you want to have a shower and no one offers, throw one yourself or ask someone. Who cares as long as you are happy. If people are your true friends they aren't going to judge you on your decision. Yes this is a highly debated topic. But you have a very unique situation that may garner an exception to the "rules". I would hate to see you miss out on something because technically its not etiquette. I'll prob get flamed for this response, but like us all I just gotta be honest.

firelizard83 · September 2014

I'm pretty sure I'm not having one, unless it's a total surprise to me. We don't really have many friends here beyond some coworkers, and all our families are in other states. If someone is planning one for me, they are doing a great job of being secretive about it. But I'm totally cool if nothing happens too!

ConstanceGoodspeed · September 2014

UO: I would rather attend a coed party thrown by the baby's parents than a pinterest girls-only shower hosted by someone who is stranger to me.

Nothing worse than driving around trying to find your friend's step-mom's house so you can eat fruit salad and take pictures holding a mustache attached to a stick while your friend opens gift bags full of Aden & Anais blankets and pacifiers. Ugh.

WanderingA · September 2014

ordinary1 said:

mylazypony said:
@ordinary1‌ I'm having a party at my house. My best friend back home had a coed shower at her place, sent out evites. It was very casual. So I want to duplicate that. I have an even split of girlfriends and guy friends. None of which locally have kids, I'm the first. So I asked my best friend that lives below me if she'd help. She was thrilled and recruited help. I then read on this board how asking is sooo not okay, which didn't even cross my mind, when I asked,mainly because I'm not asking her to spend her dollars on refreshments or anything really. I just know she is really great about this stuff, more so than me. Anyhow she and I are super close and open and I asked her later if asking her was rude and she responded with .,,what? Why is it rude? We all come from different places and yes overall there might be a general rule but everyone and every circle is different. And lastly this is more of a baby party. No games, food but no cake and yes boys allowed. My friends are doing all the prep and leg work.
So the answer is you're throwing your own shower. Yes, social norms are different everywhere. However I have never heard of it being acceptable to throw yourself a gift giving event.

Since this reasoning seems to come up often - wouldn't a birthday party or housewarming party be frowned upon then? Both are parties organized by the person who usually gets gifts. Of course gifts aren't a "necessity" when going to one if these, but it's common to receive them.

Not arguing for throwing yourself a shower, just curious since "gift grabby" seems to be the most common rebuttal.

Alocin412 · September 2014

Haha! Mustache on a stick!!!

lexy229 · September 2014

I've heard over and over again that you shouldn't throw yourself a baby shower because you'll end up getting gifts but I feel like that logic is skewed. IMO, if you can plan your own wedding, you can plan your own shower. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!

schnitz9 · September 2014

To be honest I'm sick of hearing about social norms. Things change all the time. You wanna throw yourself a shower go ahead. You wanna ask someone to throw if for you be my guest. Hell is a mom wants to have a shower for her 15th child power to ya. We all have our opinions and thats fine. In the end it nobody's choice but your own anyway. Who cares really....

ordinary1 · September 2014

WanderingA said:

ordinary1 said:

mylazypony said:
@ordinary1‌ I'm having a party at my house. My best friend back home had a coed shower at her place, sent out evites. It was very casual. So I want to duplicate that. I have an even split of girlfriends and guy friends. None of which locally have kids, I'm the first. So I asked my best friend that lives below me if she'd help. She was thrilled and recruited help. I then read on this board how asking is sooo not okay, which didn't even cross my mind, when I asked,mainly because I'm not asking her to spend her dollars on refreshments or anything really. I just know she is really great about this stuff, more so than me. Anyhow she and I are super close and open and I asked her later if asking her was rude and she responded with .,,what? Why is it rude? We all come from different places and yes overall there might be a general rule but everyone and every circle is different. And lastly this is more of a baby party. No games, food but no cake and yes boys allowed. My friends are doing all the prep and leg work.
So the answer is you're throwing your own shower. Yes, social norms are different everywhere. However I have never heard of it being acceptable to throw yourself a gift giving event.
Since this reasoning seems to come up often - wouldn't a birthday party or housewarming party be frowned upon then? Both are parties organized by the person who usually gets gifts. Of course gifts aren't a "necessity" when going to one if these, but it's common to receive them.

Not arguing for throwing yourself a shower, just curious since "gift grabby" seems to be the most common rebuttal.

I don't throw birthday parties for myself, and don't know anyone that does. A shower by definition is a gift giving event. The whole point of a shower is to shower the mom to be with presents.

ordinary1 · September 2014

lexy229 said:
I've heard over and over again that you shouldn't throw yourself a baby shower because you'll end up getting gifts but I feel like that logic is skewed. IMO, if you can plan your own wedding, you can plan your own shower. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!

A wedding isn't a gift giving event like a shower is. A bridal shower is comparable to a baby shower.

MrsTucker2011 · September 2014

schnitz9 said:
To be honest I'm sick of hearing about social norms. Things change all the time. You wanna throw yourself a shower go ahead. You wanna ask someone to throw if for you be my guest. Hell is a mom wants to have a shower for her 15th child power to ya. We all have our opinions and thats fine. In the end it nobody's choice but your own anyway. Who cares really....

The people who care are the ones that are invited. The ones that are expected to bring gifts. Yes it's your own choice, but it's also everyone's choice to be rude or not. Doesn't make it right.

hummingbird813 · September 2014

schnitz9 said:
To be honest I'm sick of hearing about social norms. Things change all the time. You wanna throw yourself a shower go ahead. You wanna ask someone to throw if for you be my guest. Hell is a mom wants to have a shower for her 15th child power to ya. We all have our opinions and thats fine. In the end it nobody's choice but your own anyway. Who cares really....

I totally agree with this!!!!

schnitz9 · September 2014

MrsTucker2011 said:

To be honest I'm sick of hearing about social norms. Things change all the time. You wanna throw yourself a shower go ahead. You wanna ask someone to throw if for you be my guest. Hell is a mom wants to have a shower for her 15th child power to ya. We all have our opinions and thats fine. In the end it nobody's choice but your own anyway. Who cares really....
The people who care are the ones that are invited. The ones that are expected to bring gifts. Yes it's your own choice, but it's also everyone's choice to be rude or not. Doesn't make it right.

IMO if you care so much and you're invited then don't go. Or don't bring a gift. I'm not looking at my shower as all about the gifts. I really could give two shits. I'm just excited to see some people that I haven't seen in a while. I felt the same way with my wedding shower. I had it up north and was more excited to see my friends that I really only get to see once a year than the blenders that I got. We had guests at our wedding that didn't give us a gift. I found this extremely tacky. To be honest I would rather have someone not give me a shower gift than a wedding gift. i was brought up that wedding gifts are expected shower gifts are not.

mylazypony · September 2014

@schnitz9‌

To be honest I'm sick of hearing about social norms. Things change all the time. You wanna throw yourself a shower go ahead. You wanna ask someone to throw if for you be my guest. Hell is a mom wants to have a shower for her 15th child power to ya. We all have our opinions and thats fine. In the end it nobody's choice but your own anyway. Who cares really....

Agreed!!

MommyOfAMiracle · September 2014

ConstanceGoodspeed said:

UO: I would rather attend a coed party thrown by the baby's parents than a pinterest girls-only shower hosted by someone who is stranger to me. Nothing worse than driving around trying to find your friend's step-mom's house so you can eat fruit salad and take pictures holding a mustache attached to a stick while your friend opens gift bags full of Aden & Anais blankets and pacifiers. Ugh.

OMG. This! Lmfao

ordinary1 · September 2014

If you just want to see friends then have a party.

jaztastic · September 2014

Can someone define what throwing a party means vs hosting a party. Is this only in regards to the person spending the money? Or does this refer to who is planning the event? Or does this refer to who is actually running the function?

Because we are using these terms interchangeably and at times it gets confusing what we are debating.

ordinary1 · September 2014

The person throwing the party is the person funding the event, planning said event, doing the work for the party, and inviting people. The host is the one that throws the party.

By my suggestion of throwing a party if you want to see friends, I mean invite everyone over for dinner/BBQ/game night/whatever as long as it isn't a gift giving event such as a shower.

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