My husband is being very hurtful, HELP!!!

lizzey1991 · September 2014

So ever since I got pregnant (i'm 32 weeks) my husband has been extremely mean to me. Anything I ask him to help me with, baby prep stuff, householdchores, or personal things like a back rub, or to get me a glass of water, he acts like a jerk. He complains tells me to do it myself or just ignores me. I try to talk to him and he claims that nothing is wrong that i'm just annoying him. The other night i begged him to go to the gas station a get me a pop( yes i know i shouldn't have it anyway but i really wanted it) i had had a very long day at work (I work at a child care center and was just moved to the toddler room and the lifting is killing my back!!) He complained and complained and finally agreed to go get it. when he got back he threw it at me and said i got you one for tomorrow too so you wont bitch then! of course this upset me, and i'm an emotional mess on a good day, so of course that threw me off. and when i cry he gets mad at me! so he got mad and just kept being meaner and meaner. he ended up saying that if i would sign off saying he doesn't have to pay child support he will just leave! then he claimed he was just joking! I don't understand what i'm doing wrong!!!!! I keep trying get him involved with baby stuff and get him interested in what's going on and he just seems less interested. but he claims that he wants to be here and is interested. what do I do???????? I feel like i'm in this alone and i really need someone right now. please any advise on how to make this better i'll take it??

lizzey1991 · September 2014

omg jackass you fixed my marriage thanks so much! that was just the most recent of my issues is why i wrote about that! not the only thing going on!!! but thanks for your shitty advice.

allie_bug · September 2014

i can relate to being tired, super pregnant and needing some extra help, but to be honest it sounds like you are just having some needy tendencies right now. i have a 1 & 3 year old, volunteer outside the home and take care of everything on the home front, but still have to monitor how much i ask for this, that and the other. i would LOVE to lay on the couch and have my hubby take care of the kids and wait on me, but it's just not realistic and he would get irritated super quick.

understand that, yes, we are pregnant and easily worn out, especially with extra daily life circumstances, but we we aren't handicapped and shouldn't expect to be treated as such. obviously it's not okay for him to be ugly to you, but be honest with him and ask him (with an open mind) if you are being overbearing or if you are making him feel more like a maid than a partner.

good luck!

hopanka · September 2014

No matter if you nag or not, throwing a can of coke at you is behavior I would not tolerate. It sounds like you two are headed down the wrong path and I would insist on meeting with a neutral party to discuss everything over. Like a counselor - for real. Otherwise, I would bow out, if he refuses. That is no way to treat a spouse and he needs to realize that.

Everyusernameistaken · September 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. Perhaps you may be being a bit needy but even if that's the case your h needs to deal with it in a respectful way. This is no way to talk to your wife, pregnant or not. I totally agree that a counselor sounds like a good idea.

silverwings72 · September 2014

Healthy husbands dont "joke" about child support and leaving their spouse. Please, get some support from friends and family. Throwing stuff and joking about signing over parental rights is going to lead to even more aggressive behaviors if not stopped immediately. I'm sorry you are going through this, time for some outside help and support.

WashingtonQueen · September 2014

No matter how whiney or needy you might be, the way he is treating you is NEVER ok. Please see a counselor before it gets any worse. If he is ok with throwing things at you the next step will be hitting you. If he doesn't go to counseling leave him now.

WashingtonQueen · September 2014

kyliedaniellexx said:
Sounds like he's getting annoyed because you keep asking him to do things you are fully capable of doing yourself.

If I was him, I would be pissed too.

Be careful, your extremely unnecessary judgy pants are showing. I don't know what world you live in, but in the real world good spouses don't throw shit at each other or threaten to leave and abandon their child because the other asks for a pop or a back rub. Jesus.

NatureLovers · September 2014

I think I'm going to be in the minority here. While you may be a little needy, your H sounds like an abusive asshole. Being pregnant is hard, and it's not out of line to ask for a few minor things like a back rub or a coke. I think you keep asking him for things like a back rub because you keep hoping he'll show he loves you by responding like a considerate, loving partner and do it for you, but he obviously doesn't.

Is this an accidental pregnancy? Because his cruel behavior (throwing soda at you, saying he's going to leave) indicates not just that he's abusive, but that he wants out of the marriage and fatherhood. Are you in a position to leave? Is he? If so I'd take him up on his offer and throw him out.

By the way, "I'm just joking" is the classic excuse of a bully and abuser. That way when you get justifiably upset over the awful things he's saying, it's your problem because you can't take a joke, and he has no responsibility. At the very least I'd start seeing a counselor on your own (I'm assuming he wouldn't go) and come up with a game plan. Hang in there.

WashingtonQueen · September 2014

LongLiveTheEvilQueen said:
@Connor425‌ I don't think anyone here is blaming the OP per say.... nagging doesn't justify her husband abusive behavior. But I do think her behavior is intensifying the situation. Counseling is diffenitly in order.OP are you a part of a church? Many offer marriage counseling or you can call your healthcare insurance company. Many insurance companies now have mental/behavioural healthcare on plans.

So, in other words you just said, "Well, he shouldn't act like that, but she asked for it.." Are you fucking kidding me? Way to blame the victim. That's just what we need more of in this world, people telling abuse victims and rape victims that it's their fault.

"She was intensifying the situation by wearing a low cut top, I had to rape her."
"She was intensifying the situation by being stupid and asking me for shit, I had to hit her."
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

jlbeanza · September 2014

sparklegrump said:
Nothing you could do can justify being treated like that. Real fathers should help out with baby stuff and chores anyway. You might have to ask, but he should be doing his part. And the attitude and abuse about getting/doing things for you is completely uncalled for. There are ways to tell someone to do something themselves without name calling and verbal abuse.

See a counselor yesterday. If he refuses to talk to you or belittles you for your concerns make him leave.

This, and do NOT exempt him from paying child support if it comes to that!

NatureLovers · September 2014

LongLiveTheEvilQueen said:
@Connor425‌ I don't think anyone here is blaming the OP per say.... nagging doesn't justify her husband abusive behavior. But I do think her behavior is intensifying the situation. Counseling is diffenitly in order.OP are you a part of a church? Many offer marriage counseling or you can call your healthcare insurance company. Many insurance companies now have mental/behavioural healthcare on plans.

Um, what? She's intensifying the situation? Way to go blaming the victim. She is in no way responsible for his behavior. Also, this is my personal opinion, but a church is the last place anyone should go for counseling. You need a professional in this situation, not someone who's going to approach this from a "biblical" standpoint.

WashingtonQueen · September 2014

@NatureLovers‌ @NariaDreaming‌ =D>

2ndGeneration · September 2014

NatureLovers said:

I think I'm going to be in the minority here. While you may be a little needy, your H sounds like an abusive asshole. Being pregnant is hard, and it's not out of line to ask for a few minor things like a back rub or a coke. I think you keep asking him for things like a back rub because you keep hoping he'll show he loves you by responding like a considerate, loving partner and do it for you, but he obviously doesn't. Is this an accidental pregnancy? Because his cruel behavior (throwing soda at you, saying he's going to leave) indicates not just that he's abusive, but that he wants out of the marriage and fatherhood. Are you in a position to leave? Is he? If so I'd take him up on his offer and throw him out. By the way, "I'm just joking" is the classic excuse of a bully and abuser. That way when you get justifiably upset over the awful things he's saying, it's your problem because you can't take a joke, and he has no responsibility. At the very least I'd start seeing a counselor on your own (I'm assuming he wouldn't go) and come up with a game plan. Hang in there.

I agree with all this.

He's being abusive. You don't deserve to be treated this way, no matter if you ask for a soda or are emotional. It's HIM, he is the wrongdoer here. I do think you need a game plan. I agree you should see a counselor for yourself right away-he or she can give good advice. What he's doing to you is not good for you or your baby.

howin23 · September 2014

That's a really tough situation. Clearly he doesn't support you or the relationship. I'd do a few things:
1) Stop asking for his help for little things. I'm not saying you shouldn't be asking in general (I certainly do), but I would stop anyway just so he can't use that as an excuse (albeit a bad one) for his behavior.
2) Keep track of the exact things he does and says for the time being (but do this secretly).
3) Make an appointment with a counselor, both individually and together. This is very important and you should do it immediately. I agree with others on an actual counselor (if you can afford it) instead of a friend so the person is neutral. If you can't afford a counselor, try asking a mutual friend to suggest a friend of theirs who would be willing to act as a neutral party (someone you and your husband don't know).
4) Confide in a friend who knows you and knows the situation. You need to have a friend whose house you can go to at 3am if things get really bad.

Definitely act, don't just wait and hope they get better. Good luck and hang in there.

WashingtonQueen · September 2014

Nicb13 said:

WashingtonQueen said:

LongLiveTheEvilQueen said:
@Connor425‌ I don't think anyone here is blaming the OP per say.... nagging doesn't justify her husband abusive behavior. But I do think her behavior is intensifying the situation. Counseling is diffenitly in order.OP are you a part of a church? Many offer marriage counseling or you can call your healthcare insurance company. Many insurance companies now have mental/behavioural healthcare on plans.
So, in other words you just said, "Well, he shouldn't act like that, but she asked for it.." Are you fucking kidding me? Way to blame the victim. That's just what we need more of in this world, people telling abuse victims and rape victims that it's their fault.

"She was intensifying the situation by wearing a low cut top, I had to rape her."
"She was intensifying the situation by being stupid and asking me for shit, I had to hit her."
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Way to completely overreact. The OP sounds very emotional and could be exaggerating, or not giving the whole story. We don't know. She sounds like a mess right now and that's understandable but shit man....we only have a little bit of the story here. Yes, the husband sounds like a dick, maybe they should get counseling but everyone is really jumping to conclusions.

OP needs to relax and have a long talk with her SO if she hasn't done so already. They need help, that's one thing everyone can agree on.

*End quote*

Seriously, don't even start with me. Have you been there, done that? Have you been a victim of abuse? I have. Many times. And it was the assholes who told me it was my fault or just flat didn't believe me that drove me to push it all down and not seek help, only for it to happen over and over and over. If you had gone through any of that you would know just how much it's NOT an overreaction.

ASmallWonder · September 2014

Jesus - just because someone is capable of doing something themselves doesn't mean you never are allowed to ask for help. Sometimes people just do shit to make the day better for the person they're supposed to love. OP, I'm sorry but your H is an ass and I don't see the baby making this any better. Sound like if you're physically capable of doing every single thing in the house and for the baby, he's going to pitch a fit if you dare ask for "help." And god do I hate that word. When you love someone, have a home and family with them, it's called being a partner.

Unknown · September 2014

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Unknown · September 2014

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JGuevara64 · September 2014

Regardless of what our opinions are of who is at fault or whatever, I think the most important thing to take from this for OP is to seek help. It is important for a neutral party to be involved and to figure out where these feelings are coming from on BOTH sides of the relationship. There are plenty of people out there that can help, but a professional may be the best solution. It is important to get these issues addressed before the LO comes. If the relationship becomes more volatile and then she seeks help after the LO is born then they may potentially call child services (professionals are obligated by law to report regardless of the situation), in which more than just the OP suffers.

If your husband refuses to go with you, then I still suggest you seek help individually. Your therapist should help you come up with a safety plan if things do get worse. But it is important to get these issues address before the baby comes for your safety and the safety of your LO.

WashingtonQueen · September 2014

aditigirl said:

lizzey1991 said:
omg jackass you fixed my marriage thanks so much! that was just the most recent of my issues is why i wrote about that! not the only thing going on!!! but thanks for your shitty advice.
LOL at a mod liking a TOU violation. HoKay.

Eta: I have nothing against you WQ but let's not have double standards. Name calling is against TOU. For everyone.

You have a PM.

Unknown · September 2014

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phdprocrastinator · September 2014

I cannot believe the reaction of some ladies on here. OP, what you are describing does, in fact, sound like abuse to me. In particular, the following comments are all red flags for emotional abuse with evidence of ramping up to physical abuse:

"my husband has been extremely mean to me."

"I try to talk to him and he claims that nothing is wrong that i'm just annoying him."

"he threw it at me"

"when i cry he gets mad at me! so he got mad and just kept being meaner and meaner."

"I don't understand what i'm doing wrong!!!!!"

"I feel like i'm in this alone"

Of course, I may be wrong as we all only have one story to go on, but I implore you to google the cycle of violence and the signs your in an abusive relationship from this website: https://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Also, while I agree that third party counseling may be valuable for you, I would suggest you DO NOT start couples counseling until you have had the chance to determine with your therapist whether or not you are in an abusive relationship. Counseling often escalates abuse - as the abuser will hold any and all comments made during counseling against the victim, will lie to the therapist, and will continue to twist the story so that you feel like you're the one in the wrong.

And please, remember: YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. Ignore the clearly ignorant responders in this post who suggest you shouldn't feel like you can rely on your life partner. Of course, in every relationship, there are times when we can't support each other 100%, but it sounds like your husband isn't supporting you at all. You are not asking for him to treat you poorly. In fact, it sounds like you are doing a good job in asking him to support you - so often we hear of women who expect their husbands to read their minds and we all say "just ask him." That's what you're doing! If he can't be a partner for you, that's HIS fault.

narece · September 2014

Why hasn't op responded??

narece · September 2014

I was a bit concerned that some comments would put her off- I'm on another forum that would label her a troll- I don't even know what that means! All pregnant women want to feel taken care of when pregnant- my partner left me when I was in my first trimester with our 2nd son for a few weeks and I really needed him then- but he came back and alls well- not sure how id feel if he was a jackass all pregnancy long-good luck op!

Everyusernameistaken · September 2014

katnhiding said:

narece said:

Why hasn't op responded??

She hasn't read the most recent comments. It's entirely possible after the first few responses (which did lean toward victim blaming IMO) that she won't even come back. That's too bad because this is one of those cases where support should have been given first. There's a time to snark and there is a time to step back and say "This person is truly crying out for help and snark has no place here." This is the latter of the two IMO.

Come back, @lizzey1991‌ !

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

@lizzey1991 :
A couple of things:

How old are both of you? You sound young...

Your husband sounds like a dick. I'd let him walk AND make him pay child support. No joke.

Ain't nobody got time for a partner that routinely treats them like shit.

You can't make him treat you well, grow up or stop acting like a douche.

You can try counseling, but I have a feeling that this prize of a man won't bother with trying that route.

Envy1328 · September 2014

What is a troll, narece I was wondering the same thing..

2ndGeneration · September 2014

She may not be in a safe place at the moment to come back. Maybe she needs him to be not home to use the computer.

mgoldenchild · September 2014

I can't say I know what your going through. For the most part my fiance is being extremely helpful and involved in my pregnancy. I do however find others comments about you being needy very irritating. This is my first child and personally just standing up can hurt to the point I don't want to move. Asking for a back rub or a glass of water is perfectly acceptable in my opinion. Your the one going through the pain and stress of carrying and nurturing another life inside of you. The least he can do is try to make life easier and more comfortable.

jcrising · September 2014

ASmallWonder said:

Jesus - just because someone is capable of doing something themselves doesn't mean you never are allowed to ask for help. Sometimes people just do shit to make the day better for the person they're supposed to love. OP, I'm sorry but your H is an ass and I don't see the baby making this any better. Sound like if you're physically capable of doing every single thing in the house and for the baby, he's going to pitch a fit if you dare ask for "help." And god do I hate that word. When you love someone, have a home and family with them, it's called being a partner.

THIS! Though my DH thinks I am a little needy when pregnant, he does the dishes and laundry (not always, but sometimes) and helps with our DD, and gets me water or a popsicle, or whatever. Sometimes he teases me for my hormones (I cry A LOT) and for not being able to get around, be he helps. And this isn't some "wuss", this is my 6'4" 225lb roofing contractor. Why does he do it? Because we are a TEAM and he is my PARTNER and he loves me in the same way I love him. I realize not all husbands are alike, but NO ONE should be treated in the way you describe.

candlequeen · September 2014

Your husband sounds like my ex. I divorced his sorry ass and I've never been happier. I justified and made excuses for him for nearly 6 years and he grabbed me by my throat in front of our son while I was pregnant with our daughter and told me he wanted to kill me. My third baby is NOT his and I'm so glad. I'm praying that you get some help soon.

moonbull0421 · September 2014

kyliedaniellexx you're such a witch.

Sounds to me you're a whiny adult baby that likes to bully adults in need of help.

Maybe you're just jealous she got a pop and you didn't

Keep your shitty harmful crap to yourself and only yourself, or grow a better attitude.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

moonbull0421 said:
kyliedaniellexx you're such a witch.
Sounds to me you're a whiny adult baby that likes to bully adults in need of help.
Maybe you're just jealous she got a pop and you didn't

Keep your shitty harmful crap to yourself and only yourself, or grow a better attitude.

Ugh, can we ban this person please?
:-q

CubanPinky · September 2014

all i can say is wow at the comments...as well as the post itself.... cmon now ladies....take a deep breathe for a min and lets focus more on the problem at hand rather than judging each others OPINIONS smh

BAM61 · September 2014

I am so glad that people posted about the number of insensitive comments this post first for. I was appalled people were blaming this poster. A husband should pick up more of the slack while we are pregnant. We have the emotional physical stress of carrying a baby and then delivering the baby.

BAM61 · September 2014

Sorry the rest of my message got cut off. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I agree it sounds like there might be a deeper issue at play for him.

lesliegolem · September 2014

OP I hope you've seen all the supportive comments on here. I was surprised as well at some of the comments being so insensitive and blaming you. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Also a husband in my opinion should never make jokes about leaving. Even if you're asking for a pop 5 times a day, he should never throw something at you or make the comments he did. I hope things are going better please come back to this thread if you haven't yet!

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Information only. For the people who want to know what a "troll" is...

Wiki: In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people,[1] by posting inflammatory,[2] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response[3] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.[4]

momof2buggs · September 2014

It sounds like he isn't interested in becoming a father, and if he's that antagonistic toward you, I sincerely fear for your child's safety. I think you need to back off him, and stop asking for his help, and do things yourself, no matter how difficult. And in the meantime, I would prepare for single parenthood. It will not get any easier from this point forward, so take advantage of the weeks you still have left before baby comes. Good luck.

leela02 · September 2014

OP it's really hard to know your whole situation from just one post. But if my hubby treated me like that I would stay away from him now (kick him out or leave) and figure out if it's safe for me and my baby to stay in the marriage. Try to get counseling for yourself (not couples) to help you understand and deal with the situation.

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My husband is being very hurtful, HELP!!!

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