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Parenting after a Loss
angelsnight
member
Grief and distance from rainbow baby
angelsnight
member
I'm hoping someone can help me with this, either by sharing their experience or offering advice. A little background...we lost our angel in March 2013 when she was stillborn at 22 weeks. This sounds bad, but if someone had told me this would happen one day, I would have assumed MH and I would be a statistic of tragedy, I would have assumed that the stress and sadness of it all would have broken us up. I love MH very much, and we've come a long way in the 7 years we've been together but sometimes we have to really work at our marriage. He's a good man at heart, but he spent many years being spoiled and selfish and that has been a sticking point in our marriage.
But after we lost Kayla, he was amazing. He took on so much of the grief in order to make sure I was ok. He was my rock and I have no idea how I would have gotten through it without him. I know it was so hard on him and he loved our daughter and misses her so much. As hard as everything was, losing her actually brought us closer together and our marriage was stronger than ever. Three months later we became pregnant with our rainbow. The pregnancy was stressful, and I was so nervous about becoming a parent. Between being scared of losing her too, to just being nervous that I wouldn't be a good mom, I was a mess. Every time the subject came up, he'd remind me that we were in it together and that I am not doing it alone. He would ask questions, like how to do this and that, just making mental plans for our rainbow.
But now that our rainbow is here, everything is different. I know he loves her, I know he adores her, but he's just not there. He'll change a diaper and prepare a bottle if I ask him to, but he comes home from work and plays with her for 5 minutes and then he dissapears downstairs for the rest of the evening. We don't really do things on weekends as a family and he never puts her to bed or bathes her. I'm wondering what happened to that guy that assured me that I wasn't in it alone.
Today we did a walk for our angel....it wasn't a distance walk, there was a track so you could walk or you could just sit around with your family. At one point MH went and walked around the track by himself and looked so sad. His mom mentioned maybe his lack of interaction with our rainbow is due to his grief over our angel. Either he fears to get to close to her and somehow lose her, or he feels guilt over loving her, like we've replaced our angel, or maybe both. I definitely have the guilt, like I have to apologize to our angel for loving our rainbow. This has never ever crossed my mind before, but since my MIL mentioned it I feel there is a very good possiblity that this is at least some of the reason behind his distance. If it is, I have no idea how to help him, but I am wondering if anyone else has gone through anything like this?
But after we lost Kayla, he was amazing. He took on so much of the grief in order to make sure I was ok. He was my rock and I have no idea how I would have gotten through it without him. I know it was so hard on him and he loved our daughter and misses her so much. As hard as everything was, losing her actually brought us closer together and our marriage was stronger than ever. Three months later we became pregnant with our rainbow. The pregnancy was stressful, and I was so nervous about becoming a parent. Between being scared of losing her too, to just being nervous that I wouldn't be a good mom, I was a mess. Every time the subject came up, he'd remind me that we were in it together and that I am not doing it alone. He would ask questions, like how to do this and that, just making mental plans for our rainbow.
But now that our rainbow is here, everything is different. I know he loves her, I know he adores her, but he's just not there. He'll change a diaper and prepare a bottle if I ask him to, but he comes home from work and plays with her for 5 minutes and then he dissapears downstairs for the rest of the evening. We don't really do things on weekends as a family and he never puts her to bed or bathes her. I'm wondering what happened to that guy that assured me that I wasn't in it alone.
Today we did a walk for our angel....it wasn't a distance walk, there was a track so you could walk or you could just sit around with your family. At one point MH went and walked around the track by himself and looked so sad. His mom mentioned maybe his lack of interaction with our rainbow is due to his grief over our angel. Either he fears to get to close to her and somehow lose her, or he feels guilt over loving her, like we've replaced our angel, or maybe both. I definitely have the guilt, like I have to apologize to our angel for loving our rainbow. This has never ever crossed my mind before, but since my MIL mentioned it I feel there is a very good possiblity that this is at least some of the reason behind his distance. If it is, I have no idea how to help him, but I am wondering if anyone else has gone through anything like this?
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Grief and distance from rainbow baby
first son stillborn 7/20/13 at 39 weeks due to Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
It's a girl! Baby Anna was born August 3, 2014!
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
About a week later he text me from work saying he was having a bad day, and that he's been thinking about Kayla a lot lately, and asked if it's weird that he thinks it might just now be hitting him.
I am glad he realized it, and maybe took my questioning it for him to realize it was bothering him. I didn't even think about it until his mom mentioned it. When I told her she was right, she said remember when I told you no one else will ever know your children better than you?
I'm hoping now that he's realized he is still grieving, or even just now grieving, maybe he will give an anti-depressant a try. Zoloft was the best thing to ever happen to me, so here's hoping.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!