Delivery room question

alyharwell · September 2014

So my hubs, mom and kids will be in the delivery room with me. However his entire family keeps hinting around about being there as well. I know for sure they will be at the hospital. His mom talks non stop and I am sure will be driving me insane. I also plan on doing skin to skin with the baby for the first hour. I would like this time to bond with the baby before being flooded with visitors. However my husband thinks this is rude and leaving his family out. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let everyone in as soon as she is born?

kefttsc · September 2014

You are NOT being unreasonable. This is YOUR choice and YOUR baby.

jennjilljo · September 2014

kefttsc said:
You are NOT being unreasonable. This is YOUR choice and YOUR baby.

This. His family can visit so they are not excluded.

WanderingA · September 2014

Absolutely do not let everyone in the moment that the baby is born if you are uncomfortable with it. It's nice to have some time as a family unit before being flooded with visitors and extended family.

My mother and MIL came into the room about 15 minutes after Adeline was born and it was nice to have even those few minutes "alone" (not counting the midwives). I was also buck naked cuddling the baby and even walked across the room to the bathroom naked in front of them, but I have no shame. Tell them that you plan on doing skin-to-skin for the first hour after the baby is born and perhaps they will be more understanding about waiting to meet the baby until they can hold her.

Paleomama · September 2014

I only let people in the room who don't piss me off in that moment. When I was in labor last time my sister was getting on my nerves so I sent her away. With all the pain i was dealing with hurt feeling was the last on my list to worry about. Ain't nobody got time for that

dacora · September 2014

Maybe try to let his family come and visit while you're in labor, but before active delivery? This is what I'll be doing with my in-laws, and I might even send my mother out once I have to start pushing, but I have no idea what I'll want when the time comes.

You have every right for some down time with your baby right after delivery, it's not like it's easy!

ordinary1 · September 2014

Is your H suggesting it's unfair to have your mom there but not his because his mom is upset or is he upset his mom can't be there? If it's because because his mom is upset and he couldn't care less, then no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, if your H is upset because he wants his mom there too, I think you two should find a compromise. Yes, it's your body, but honestly it isn't only your baby. If you're H wants his mom there, you could at least let her in while you're in labor, and have her leave before you push.

Edited-misuse of you're

starrynight1658 · September 2014

DH wanted his mom there and I said no. My mom was there as support for me, and left within 10 minutes of DS being born, once she saw we were both fine. Things got scary during delivery, and there are lot of nurses in the room, equipment being wheeled in, etc, and in would've been more scared if I'd seen a bunch of my family wigging out. I also so appreciated having time to ourselves, especially for the nasty cleanup, without anyone else around. Our hospital had a rule of no visitors within two hours of giving birth, which was wonderful. Next time, I plan on no visitors for the first 12 hours at least, with the exception of DS.

CogDis · September 2014

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least! It is a very intimate, painful, and messy experience. You deserve to go through it in a way that you feel comfortable and dignified.

Nothing would lead to me allowing any of DH's family there while I'm labouring. Nor would I ever expect to be there for any if his family members' labours and deliveries.

CogDis · September 2014

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least! It is a very intimate, painful, and messy experience. You deserve to go through it in a way that you feel comfortable and dignified.

Nothing would lead to me allowing any of DH's family there while I'm labouring. Nor would I ever expect to be there for any if his family members' labours and deliveries.

alyharwell · September 2014

Ladies thanks! Sometimes I just need to see if my pregnancy hormones are making me irrational or not. I don't want to be controlling but I am carrying this baby and giving birth. Plus mil says she is coming over after the birth every day to help! That's a whole other story but she will get plenty of baby time if that's her plan.

Angeldcf · September 2014

See what hospital policy is. Ours only allowed 2 people in the delivery room (prior and during delivery). They actively encouraged only parents-baby for at least 1 hr post-birth to promote bonding.

kaya1206 · September 2014

I do not think it is rude at all. It will just be me and my husband in the delivery room and will be asking everyone to give us a few hours of bonding time before they come to the hospital. You will probably also want rest with out having to entertain people.

alyharwell · September 2014

@angeldcf I wish that was their policy but they will enforce our wishes and they do encourage skin to skin for an hour.

t8keepr03 · September 2014

You are not being unreasonable in your feeling. Although, if DH is upset his mom can't be in the room and your mom is, you guys have to compromise because his mom is just as much as a grandma as your mom.

My hospital would never allow that many people in the room for delivery anyway. We don't let anyone in the labor and delivery room. It is just DH and I. I don't even want people visiting until we are in post partum. We want to be comfortable and have eaten before we allow visitors. This time my DD will be the first in and my parents will have her so no one will come in until we have our private family time with her and her new little sibling.

Angeldcf · September 2014

For DS, our parents (dad, mom, MIL) did come in after I was settled in, epidural, etc but left before delivery. It was just DH and I for delivery and 1-2 hrs after birth.

Months prior to birth, DH wanted his mom in the room. I said no and probably wouldn't have my mom either. He thought I was being mean. I told him, "Fine. Next time my parents come over, please lie naked on the bed, spread eagle and have my mom watch. Because that's how comfortable I am about having your mother potentially see me in that situation."

dacora · September 2014

I totally disagree on the 'equality' between grandmothers. YOU are the one who is going through a serious physical ordeal, and if you want/need your mother there for support that should take priority. While yes, the new grandchild is what everyone is excited about, you are going to be going through a lot, and they need to understand that. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to kick your mother out just so someone's feelings don't get hurt.

alyharwell · September 2014

That's the best reply lol. Exactly how I feel.

alyharwell · September 2014

Angeldcf said:
For DS, our parents (dad, mom, MIL) did come in after I was settled in, epidural, etc but left before delivery. It was just DH and I for delivery and 1-2 hrs after birth.
Months prior to birth, DH wanted his mom in the room. I said no and probably wouldn't have my mom either. He thought I was being mean. I told him, "Fine. Next time my parents come over, please lie naked on the bed, spread eagle and have my mom watch. Because that's how comfortable I am about having your mother potentially see me in that situation."

I meant this is how I feel, great reply!

ordinary1 · September 2014

dacora said:

I totally disagree on the 'equality' between grandmothers. YOU are the one who is going through a serious physical ordeal, and if you want/need your mother there for support that should take priority. While yes, the new grandchild is what everyone is excited about, you are going to be going through a lot, and they need to understand that. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to kick your mother out just so someone's feelings don't get hurt.

My point was not that OP's mom should be kicked out so someone's feelings don't get hurt, but that if it is important to H for his mom to be there, then I'm sure there is some way that his mom can be involved too. It isn't taking account the grandparent's feelings, but the feelings of both parents.

jennjilljo · September 2014

As far as DH's mom in the room, not gonna happen for me no matter how important it is to him (luckily it's not). I have strict rule that if you have not wiped, regularly seen or come out of my vaginal than you don't get to see it while I'm at a very uncomfortable position. I only plan on it being me and DH though. Other people can come around when I'm done pushing.

dacora · September 2014

ordinary1 said:

dacora said:

I totally disagree on the 'equality' between grandmothers. YOU are the one who is going through a serious physical ordeal, and if you want/need your mother there for support that should take priority. While yes, the new grandchild is what everyone is excited about, you are going to be going through a lot, and they need to understand that. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to kick your mother out just so someone's feelings don't get hurt.

My point was not that OP's mom should be kicked out so someone's feelings don't get hurt, but that if it is important to H for his mom to be there, then I'm sure there is some way that his mom can be involved too. It isn't taking account the grandparent's feelings, but the feelings of both parents.

I do agree with what you said about maybe letting DH's mom into the room during labor. But really, I think that in regards to compromise about the feeling of both parents, the pregnant and laboring mother gets the final say.

t8keepr03 · September 2014

They are both equal grandmothers and if it's important for your mom to be there for support than great. I was saying if it is important for DH's mom to be there as well then you need to compromise. Ultimately your are the one showing the world everything so it is your say. If DH doesn't care if his mom is there it does not matter if her feelings are hurt, tell her she isn't coming in.

Neesey · September 2014

My mom was an ob nurse so I am definitely having her in the room. DH's mom will be the one to share the news with the rest of the family about boy/girl, name,etc. That was my compromise while we have a little alone time after delivery.

jmcgra06 · September 2014

t8keepr03 said:

You are not being unreasonable in your feeling. Although, if DH is upset his mom can't be in the room and your mom is, you guys have to compromise because his mom is just as much as a grandma as your mom. My hospital would never allow that many people in the room for delivery anyway. We don't let anyone in the labor and delivery room. It is just DH and I. I don't even want people visiting until we are in post partum. We want to be comfortable and have eaten before we allow visitors. This time my DD will be the first in and my parents will have her so no one will come in until we have our private family time with her and her new little sibling.

Newp. If DH doesn't understand why you don't want his mother in, ask him to bring your mom to the doctor next time he gets his prostate checked. Equal grandparent rights start once the baby is out, IMO. I wouldn't think it was fair to have my mom with us the entire first five hours and not let his mom in, for example, but my mom would do the same thing PP's did - leave as soon as she saw everyone was okay.

elephantsonpatrol · September 2014

You are the patient. So in the end you can choose who to let in and who not to.

That being said, you invite trouble and heartache for your DH and between the sides of the family if none of his side of the family is let in, and your mom and others are.

Dealing with in-laws is the art of compromise.

erinlady2 · September 2014

I don't think there is any requirement to compromise during your L&D.

With DS, we told our families that we wanted it to be just DH and I during the whole labor and delivery, which they respected. Maybe it was easier since we did a "nobody allowed" instead of a "only who I say is allowed".

It's hard to feel like you're hurting someone's feelings, but if you tell them want you want and get flack then they obviously aren't thinking about yours. Everyone should want you to be as comfortable as possible while you are trying to bring a new life into the world. I'd say they can sit in the waiting room until you are ready, and then have DH invite a few at a time. My hospital will even make up whatever rules you want to tell your visitors and say it's policy. That takes some of the heat off the new parents.

ordinary1 · September 2014

Labor and delivery are not the same. Labor is hard work (so is delivery), but unlike delivery, you are not sitting there with your vagina out for the world to see (unless you choose to labor in shower or naked). When you get checked, you are told so whoever is in the room can leave.

KMommytobe · September 2014

Just your first sentence about your hubby AND mom AND kids all being in the room stressed me out. I know some people like an audience but for me no way. This is my 3rd and it's just my husband and I. Labor and birth is such an intimate experience I just can't imagine a huge room of people just standing around or me feeling like I have to entertain them. ... And he feels like his family should be there too? Jesus. I don't even like people waiting around at the hospital nevermind in the room. Id enjoy your precious one on one time with your newborn and THEN call your family to let them know baby was here and to visit. I don't think that's "rude" I mean for god sakes you just gave birth and it's YOUR child.

jmcgra06 · September 2014

ordinary1 said:

Labor and delivery are not the same. Labor is hard work (so is delivery), but unlike delivery, you are not sitting there with your vagina out for the world to see (unless you choose to labor in shower or naked). When you get checked, you are told so whoever is in the room can leave.

Really good point - I always answer these questions thinking of the nitty gritty - when you're in pain, trying to get through pretty serious contractions and actually pushing. We had a multiple-day induction, many hours of which I literally felt nothing and was not having contractions, and during those times, anyone who showed up to the hospital to see us could come in. This included my mother in law, whom I quite literally hate. I had hoped to show up to the hospital in active labor, and if that were the case, I wouldn't have wanted anyone in the labor room except for my mom and DH, because when contractions got serious, I felt like shit and wasn't in the mood for faking it and pleasantries.

katecham · September 2014

Angeldcf said:

See what hospital policy is. Ours only allowed 2 people in the delivery room (prior and during delivery). They actively encouraged only parents-baby for at least 1 hr post-birth to promote bonding.

This. The hospital I delivered at would only allow 2 people in the delivery room and after the baby came only mom, dad and baby were given an uninterrupted hour in the room to bond/do skin-to-skin/etc. My parents were across the country (and I wouldn't have wanted them in there anyway) and I definitely didn't want the inlaws in there. I also asked the nurses to enforce the visitation hours for my visitors because I reaaaallly didn't want anyone around. I had a ton of complications during my pregnancy and needed to just chill with DH and the baby. It was glorious.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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tinyhumantoe · September 2014

After what happened with DD1, this time DH is on board with not calling anyone until an hour after baby arrives. I get sweaty and upset just thinking about MIL last time.

I only wanted DH in the room so it made the grandmas in the room argument pretty short.

. I'm sorry I don't have better advice.

tinyhumantoe · September 2014

I will add that I am on team grandparents rights start after birth. I would feel very uncomfortable with MIL seeing me during delivery, surely your H could understand that if you explained it b

Dani_Love · September 2014

Have you asked if the kids can be in there during delivery? My sil just delivered and hers were not allowed in. As for mil, it's your body, your say. I'm not allowing anyone but dh in with me and both grandma's are upset. My feelings are if you weren't there during conception and you aren't medical team there's nothing for you to see.

aybo · September 2014

You do what you feel is comfortable. I'm only having husbend my mom and my sister. I do not want anyone at the hospital waiting around. So I told my husband we should just keep it hush tell I am done. Otherwise I'm going to go crazy with ALL OF AZ in my room or waiting around. He understands and is on board with this.

psychobutthead · September 2014

You're not being unreasonable at all! I'm having the same issue with my MIL. She plans on staying at the hospital the entire time I'm in labor. My advice to you is make it clear to your nurses you don't want any visitors until you say to let them in. They won't over ride what you say to please your DH.

Beth.1212 · September 2014

I get really frustrated for other moms when I hear that family members are pressuring them to be in the labor/delivery room. This is a medical event, not entertainment, and everyone should be doing everything in their power to make it as easy as possible for the laboring mother. If that means staying away until after the baby is born, then that's what they should do, and I honestly think that someone who would not try to help the laboring mother (by following her wishes) is acting selfishly and thoughtlessly. It's my understanding that labor will go the most smoothly if the mother is as relaxed and comfortable as possible. I can't imagine taking any action that would lead to a less relaxed/comfortable mother and therefore a harder labor for her!

ordinary1 said:

Is your H suggesting it's unfair to have your mom there but not his because his mom is upset or is he upset his mom can't be there? If it's because because his mom is upset and he couldn't care less, then no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, if your H is upset because he wants his mom there too, I think you two should find a compromise. Yes, it's your body, but honestly it isn't only your baby. If you're H wants his mom there, you could at least let her in while you're in labor, and have her leave before you push.

Edited-misuse of you're

<quote - sorry, I can't get the line thing to show up here>
t8keepr03 said:
They are both equal grandmothers and if it's important for your mom to be there for support than great. I was saying if it is important for DH's mom to be there as well then you need to compromise. Ultimately your are the one showing the world everything so it is your say. If DH doesn't care if his mom is there it does not matter if her feelings are hurt, tell her she isn't coming in.
<end quote>

I couldn't disagree more. Labor and delivery are hard work and a challenging experience to say the least, and the one doing the work is the laboring mother. This is one thing that really is all about her (and the baby, but the baby can't make his/her wishes known!) It's not about DH. Once the baby is born and the mother is moved out of L&D and to recovery, it's a whole new ballgame and DH gets an equal say, IMO.

Ordinary1, I don't think it's even reasonable to expect MIL to be welcome during labor. It's not just about keeping extended family from seeing your privates. It's also about making labor the most comfortable experience that it possibly can be. We all deal with pain differently, and some of us aren't comfortable being around a lot of people when we're in pain. Heck, I barely tolerated DH being in the room when I was laboring with my DS. I asked him to try not to talk to me or even look at me (yes, that's a bit nuts, but it was what I needed at the time, and no, I'm not usually crazy!). If the mother is not comfortable with certain people being in the room, then so be it, in my book.

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

YOUR choice. YOUR baby. YOUR comfort level. Everyone else can suck it or GTFO!

dreemkin84 · September 2014

I'm a little late to the party but my hospital observes "the golden hour" after delivery in which you have alone time with your baby. So no you are not being unreasonable.

Btw this drove my mom nuts and she still complains about it but whatever. I was getting cleaned up, attempting breast feeding, and eating a turkey sandwich. Get over it mom.

csjsmom · September 2014

For my first my parents and my ex's parents were at the hospital while I was in labour but I ended up having an emergency c-section. They all had to leave because they knew I didn't want them to see the baby before I was out of recovery and got to hold him. They came back the next day.
For my second my mom, my ex, my mom and sister were with me. My mom and sister offered to leave. It they were each doing a job and I wouldn't let them. I had a completely natural VBAC. My (now ex)mother in law and sister in law were outside in the waiting room. They came in after but looked at the baby, didn't hold him. I was still in the delivery room, hadn't gone to my "regular" room yet. I wasn't skin to skin though.
I think if you or your husband explain your plans ahead of time they might be more understanding.

Edit bc posted too soon

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