My mom is ruining the big reveal

NCCountryGirl · September 2014

We went last weekend to have an elective ultrasound done and found out we are having a little girl. We decided to wait until this Saturday to tell everyone at my BF's family reunion. My sister and her family and dad are driving up 3 hours to go, but unfortunately my mom isn't able to make it as she lives 9+ hours away and is leaving for a cruise this Saturday. I told her we were going to tell everyone on Saturday and that I would call her that morning before her cruise leaves (4:00pm) and let her know. I was even considering having something put in their cabin on the ship to make the reveal an exciting moment for her, too.

Well, all week long she has been pissed off at me for not telling her. She keeps saying "Who am I going to tell?" and "It's not like I get on Facebook". She doesn't understand that I know she can't keep a secret. When I told her I was pregnant and hadn't been able to get a hold of my sister or dad, she called them both until they answered and told them to call me. No, she didn't directly tell them the big news, but they obviously knew something was up before I talked to them.

Yesterday it all came to a big explosion between her, my sister and myself. She tried, once again, to get me to tell her if it is a boy or girl and I politely told her I wasn't telling her until Saturday. She got mad and hung up on me. She then called my sister and started talking crap to her about me and how my child was going to be illegitimate because I am not married. I won't go into the details, but my sister stood up for me and now my mom is mad at both of us. She told my sister that when she leaves Friday to head to port that she isn't taking her phone with her.

I don't want to let her ruin what is supposed to be a fun and exciting time for me, but I am not sure how I am going to handle things tomorrow. Do I try to call her and risk her not answering and being upset? Or do I just not call at all and beat myself up for the way I am acting? Do any of y'all have any advice on how to handle the situation and tell her tomorrow? TIA!

animalcrckr · September 2014

I think gender reveals are stupid. I'm not trying to be mean or offensive, I just think they have gotten out of hand the last few years. Just tell your mom.

NCCountryGirl · September 2014

@animalcrckr We aren't having a gender reveal like you see on Pinterest and everything, it just worked out that the family would all be together at the same time and we could tell everyone at once. The way both of our families are, as soon as one person gets told they will be on the phone calling everyone else.

lizjennings81 · September 2014

Call. If she doesn't answer, leave a message. You'll have done exactly what you said you were going to do. It sounds like you've politely and lovingly explained why you're waiting. If she doesn't understand that and throws her fit? Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, I say.

Don't beat yourself for being the reasonable one here.

WanderingA · September 2014

I'm really sorry your Mom is behaving that way

I would say give her time to realize that she is acting like a child. It's up to you to decide when to tell everyone and she needs to accept that. She may call you before she leaves for her cruise, if not she'll have the whole time she's on vacation to realize that she was acting crazy. If you want to you could always call her and tell her that she will have a surprise waiting in her room on the cruise, maybe knowing exactly when she will find out will get her to relax!

animalcrckr · September 2014

NCCountryGirl said:

@animalcrckr We aren't having a gender reveal like you see on Pinterest and everything, it just worked out that the family would all be together at the same time and we could tell everyone at once. The way both of our families are, as soon as one person gets told they will be on the phone calling everyone else.

I still think you should tell your mom since she cannot attend the function. It seems disrespectful to me. The whole think comes across as being very juvenile on both sides.

foxslaw · September 2014

lizjennings81 said:
Call. If she doesn't answer, leave a message. You'll have done exactly what you said you were going to do. It sounds like you've politely and lovingly explained why you're waiting. If she doesn't understand that and throws her fit? Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, I say.

Don't beat yourself for being the reasonable one here.

I wholeheartedly second this.

em4iowa · September 2014

Here's the thing I was told about my immature mother. Set boundaries. It's not up to you to make her act like an adult. If she can't do it then that's her situation to figure out. You've nicely explained to her that your waiting and she acted immature about it. When she wants to act like an adult and talk to you like an adult you can explain why your choosing what your choosing. Until then, let her be. I'd call and tell her Saturday because if she's anything like my mom it'll just give her fuel for next time. You don't want her saying that she was the last to know, you don't love her as much, you did it because you were jealous of her vacation, etc. If she chooses not to answer or respond, it's on her. Just don't feel guilty for making the decisions you make and when she tries to push you, remain firm. If you back down when she badgers you then she'll always continue to do it.

bhjones1980 · September 2014

animalcrckr said:

NCCountryGirl said:

@animalcrckr We aren't having a gender reveal like you see on Pinterest and everything, it just worked out that the family would all be together at the same time and we could tell everyone at once. The way both of our families are, as soon as one person gets told they will be on the phone calling everyone else.

I still think you should tell your mom since she cannot attend the function. It seems disrespectful to me. The whole think comes across as being very juvenile on both sides.

The only one being juvenile in this situation is her mother.

You have the right to be the bearer of your news, if you can not trust her not to tell people ahead of time then I respect what you are doing.

I agree with Lizjennings, stick to your plan, and if she doesnt want to play along her loss.

wintersong139 · September 2014

Does the word "illegitimate" even still apply anymore? I mean, children with unmarried parent have the same legal status as those without. I don't have any advice beyond what has already been given, but I am sorry that she was hurt and decided to take it out on you by trying to make you feel (through your sister) like your baby was not as special. :-( GL!

lizjennings81 · September 2014

Respect is earned. IMO, her mother hasn't earned it. Being a mother doesn't automatically earn you everlasting devotion and respect. Particularly when she's turning around and calling her grandchild illegitimate in reaction to her daughter's choice.

I'll have to earn my daughter's respect. She'll come out loving me and needing me but it's up to me to keep that and build respect. That means behaving like an adult when she has her own preferences and observes behavior in me that might unsettle her.

em4iowa · September 2014

animalcrckr said:

NCCountryGirl said:

@animalcrckr We aren't having a gender reveal like you see on Pinterest and everything, it just worked out that the family would all be together at the same time and we could tell everyone at once. The way both of our families are, as soon as one person gets told they will be on the phone calling everyone else.

I still think you should tell your mom since she cannot attend the function. It seems disrespectful to me. The whole think comes across as being very juvenile on both sides.

It's not disrespectful at all. Her mother is disrespecting her daughter's choices. Additionally, parents seem to think they have the right to know and ask anything they want. Frankly, it gets on my nerves. My dad's really good about it, but my aunt and my MIL are driving me nuts. It's up to me and the husband to decide what to share, when and how. If you don't like it, well, it's not your baby.

wintersong139 · September 2014

lizjennings81 said:

Respect is earned. IMO, her mother hasn't earned it. Being a mother doesn't automatically earn you everlasting devotion and respect. Particularly when she's turning around and calling her grandchild illegitimate in reaction to her daughter's choice.

I'll have to earn my daughter's respect. She'll come out loving me and needing me but it's up to me to keep that and build respect. That means behaving like an adult when she has her own preferences and observes behavior in me that might unsettle her.

While I agree that the op is being totally reasonable, and her mom seems to be handling the situation weirdly immaturely, I disagree when people in general say that respect is earned. I don't think it is. I think people have a basic responsibility to respect each other, even if the other person is not particularly respectful. I don't mean being a doormat, just being generally respectful of people's feelings, space and things.

NCCountryGirl · September 2014

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support. I will take the advice given and try to call her in the morning and if no answer, I will go my best go on and enjoy the rest of the day.

NCCountryGirl · September 2014

wintersong139 said:

Does the word "illegitimate" even still apply anymore? I mean, children with unmarried parent have the same legal status as those without. I don't have any advice beyond what has already been given, but I am sorry that she was hurt and decided to take it out on you by trying to make you feel (through your sister) like your baby was not as special. :-( GL!

Here is this kicker to that...my mom got pregnant with my sister before she was married. The only reason my parents got married was because of the pregnancy. I believe that if you are getting married just because of a baby, you are getting married for the wrong reason.

lizjennings81 · September 2014

wintersong139 said:

lizjennings81 said:

Respect is earned. IMO, her mother hasn't earned it. Being a mother doesn't automatically earn you everlasting devotion and respect. Particularly when she's turning around and calling her grandchild illegitimate in reaction to her daughter's choice.

I'll have to earn my daughter's respect. She'll come out loving me and needing me but it's up to me to keep that and build respect. That means behaving like an adult when she has her own preferences and observes behavior in me that might unsettle her.

While I agree that the op is being totally reasonable, and her mom seems to be handling the situation weirdly immaturely, I disagree when people in general say that respect is earned. I don't think it is. I think people have a basic responsibility to respect each other, even if the other person is not particularly respectful. I don't mean being a doormat, just being generally respectful of people's feelings, space and things.

There is a basic responsibility to respect each other in everyday life, yes. But my point is that the child-parent relationship is a crucial one. We automatically assume that a child must respect their parents at all costs. And that's not fair to a child whose parents are treating them poorly.

My husband's respect for his parents eroded over the years as they bullied, belittled, and controlled him. Is he polite when he's in their presence? Yes. Does he pull out all stops to keep them happy at the cost of his own happiness and choices? Not anymore. He had to get past that in order to live.

This is a touchy subject for me, I admit.

wintersong139 · September 2014

lizjennings81 said:

wintersong139 said:

lizjennings81 said:

Respect is earned. IMO, her mother hasn't earned it. Being a mother doesn't automatically earn you everlasting devotion and respect. Particularly when she's turning around and calling her grandchild illegitimate in reaction to her daughter's choice.

I'll have to earn my daughter's respect. She'll come out loving me and needing me but it's up to me to keep that and build respect. That means behaving like an adult when she has her own preferences and observes behavior in me that might unsettle her.

While I agree that the op is being totally reasonable, and her mom seems to be handling the situation weirdly immaturely, I disagree when people in general say that respect is earned. I don't think it is. I think people have a basic responsibility to respect each other, even if the other person is not particularly respectful. I don't mean being a doormat, just being generally respectful of people's feelings, space and things.

There is a basic responsibility to respect each other in everyday life, yes. But my point is that the child-parent relationship is a crucial one. We automatically assume that a child must respect their parents at all costs. And that's not fair to a child whose parents are treating them poorly.

My husband's respect for his parents eroded over the years as they bullied, belittled, and controlled him. Is he polite when he's in their presence? Yes. Does he pull out all stops to keep them happy at the cost of his own happiness and choices? Not anymore. He had to get past that in order to live.

This is a touchy subject for me, I admit.

I think I agree with everything you said their. He seems like he is polite with them, which fulfills a basic need to be respectful. But he doesn't bend over backwards in a dysfunctional or hurtful way to himself. Sounds like even though on semantics I disagreed, in spirit we do.

lizjennings81 · September 2014

wintersong139 said:

I think I agree with everything you said their. He seems like he is polite with them, which fulfills a basic need to be respectful. But he doesn't bend over backwards in a dysfunctional or hurtful way to himself. Sounds like even though on semantics I disagreed, in spirit we do.

Agreed. I apologize for going on a rant. Like I said, it's a subject that just nettles me when it comes up. I try to avoid posts like this because I know I can be like this.

But you're right. In spirit, we're on the same page.

jennjilljo · September 2014

lizjennings81 said:
Call. If she doesn't answer, leave a message. You'll have done exactly what you said you were going to do. It sounds like you've politely and lovingly explained why you're waiting. If she doesn't understand that and throws her fit? Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, I say.

Don't beat yourself for being the reasonable one here.

I think it would be cute to have the cruise do something in her cabin, too. That's a sweet idea and even if she doesn't appreciate it you'll still know.

schnitz9 · September 2014

I'm all for giving her a ring too. The idea with the cabin is great. Maybe have bottle of wine or champagne sent to her table on the first night. the note can say it's a girl or enjoy your cruise grandma love your granddaughter. If it was me I would feel guilty if I let her pout. If you call and or do something on the cruise at least you know you did you're best and it will make you feel better. the last thing you need is extra worry. My mom and I have gotten into some fights over the years and I'm always the first person to reach out. She's my mom no matter what. I love her more than anything and sometimes when we're mad we say things we really don't mean. Good Luck and have fun with the rest of the fam!!!

kimmykaye · September 2014

I like the idea of having something ready for them on the cruise. Like some flowers and a reveal note or something. I think it would be best if it were something in the room since that's probably where they'll go first. But I've never been on a cruise, so I'm not sure. Perhaps she'll see it and then feel bad about how she acted and apologize. I wish you luck on this situation.

KMommytobe · September 2014

Wow your mom is being incredibly immature. You have the right to reveal your baby's sex however you wish. If you want to tell everyone Sat I would stick with that plan and call her if that was the original plan. Her own fault if she doesn't answer. It's like having a child, you can't give in when they throw a temper tantrum.

lulu4087 · September 2014

I'm constantly appalled by how the "adults" (mothers/MIL's, etc) act from many of the posts on these boards. It's crazy to me. I feel very fortunate to have reasonable relatives. wtf is wrong with people?!??

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

lizjennings81 said:
Call. If she doesn't answer, leave a message. You'll have done exactly what you said you were going to do. It sounds like you've politely and lovingly explained why you're waiting. If she doesn't understand that and throws her fit? Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, I say.

Don't beat yourself for being the reasonable one here.

This! I can't tell you how often my mother has thrown a temper tantrum since the moment we found out we were pregnant. It's been a struggle, but the fact remains that you should handle this however YOU want to handle it! This is a big game changer for you and your BFs lives, you only get to experience the thrill of your first pregnancy once, this is about you; not her. So I would do what you said you were going to do. Be damned if she answers or not, thats her loss, not yours. Good luck and hang in there. We have that one crazy person who is all"me me me ME!" In the family, and its our luck that it has to be our mothers. Congrats on the baby girl! :-)

acpruchnik · September 2014

I know she's your mom, but you have to stand your ground. I think moms can even forget that we're adults (I also think it's sweet that they want to see us as little girls our whole lives) but she needs to know her bullying you and saying the things she said about your baby are unacceptable. No one should ever say those things about you or your baby, whether they think them or not, and it especially shouldn't be your parent saying it to your sibling. If you cave and feel like an asshole, she wins and that's going to make her think acting this way toward you is fine with you and it WILL happen again in the future, whether it's with your pregnancy or something else. No one should take this exciting time away from the two of you and even thought it may seem like something that's not a big deal to most people, it is to you and no one should downplay that. YOU have the right to do what YOU want and this is YOUR pregnancy, not hers.

Angeldcf · September 2014

Be firm but polite. Ignore her temper tantrum & don't give in.

Set the boundaries now or it will be much worse once baby arrives. Be consistent in setting boundaries.

Neesey · September 2014

What did you decide to do?

Mrs.EvilQueen · September 2014

Id like to hear what you decided too!

PikoPiko · September 2014

Seriously, why do so many of us with crazy ass mothers and MILs? Do we just hit a certain age and then all sense of decency would escape from us?

jennjilljo · September 2014

I want to hear how the big reveal went today. Hoping to hear good news.

NCCountryGirl · September 2014

Sorry for the delay in answering..my phone doesn't let me reply for some reason! The reveal and family reunion went great, well at least for the ones that were there. In the end, I had to text my mom and tell her she was going to have a new granddaughter. Not the way I wanted to share the moment with my mom, but oh well, things happen. Thank you all for your support and advice. In some strange way it was reassuring to hear from strangers that I wasn't in the wrong.

jennypolkadots · September 2014

So everyone on your side of the family will also be at your boyfriend's family reunion? If not, how are you planning to tell your family?

I have a mom that is so dramatic. We aren't close at all but I have learned over the years that she isn't going to change and just likes a little attention. You shouldn't have to do this and her response was way out of line, but try to understand she doesn't see it that way. Easy way to smooth this over - Friday night go get a vase and all sorts of pretty pink flowers. Tie a pretty pink bow around it and sit it at her door with a card. In the card say something like "I know it's hard being patient, but I can't wait for you to meet our little GIRL!" Put it on her doorstep without calling or telling her. Then in the morning text her to go outside. You could also do this for other family that live close by as long as you are sneaky and put the flowers out really late at night.

When she gets the flowers she won't be mad. Then she goes on her trip and will totally forget about the entire stupid thing. Just let things go and don't get too wrapped up in the drama, especially when you already have enough to think about with the pregnancy. Good luck!

FWIW - I also think gender reveals are stupid but it seems unfair to do something for his family and not yours. We aren't finding out the sex - problem solved! No one knows!

natsgirl12 · September 2014

Glad it went well. I think you did the right thing.

I also have issues with my mom. I thought for sure that she could keep my second pregnancy a secret but instead she told 5 people (none of whom I'd want to know if I had a miscarriage). My mom doesn't understand why this bothers me. She says she's the grandma so it's her news too. She just doesn't get it. I told her that she no longer gets to be privy to any news before anyone else. She hasn't earned it. I'm not going to bend just because she's my mom. Some people have been blessed with loving, respectful parents. I'm not one of them.

NCCountryGirl · September 2014

@jennypolkadots

Yes, my family was at the reunion too. That is why we decided to do it then. As I previously mentioned, it wasn't going to be a gender reveal party, but just telling everyone at the same time since they are together. My mom is the only one who lives far away - 10+ hours. Even if she wasn't going on vacation, she wasn't going to be able to make it any weekend that I did this. Because shes lives so far away, putting flowers on her doorstep wouldn't be practical for me. I did the best I could under the circumstances.

bhjones1980 · September 2014

jennypolkadots said:

So everyone on your side of the family will also be at your boyfriend's family reunion? If not, how are you planning to tell your family?

I have a mom that is so dramatic. We aren't close at all but I have learned over the years that she isn't going to change and just likes a little attention. You shouldn't have to do this and her response was way out of line, but try to understand she doesn't see it that way. Easy way to smooth this over - Friday night go get a vase and all sorts of pretty pink flowers. Tie a pretty pink bow around it and sit it at her door with a card. In the card say something like "I know it's hard being patient, but I can't wait for you to meet our little GIRL!" Put it on her doorstep without calling or telling her. Then in the morning text her to go outside. You could also do this for other family that live close by as long as you are sneaky and put the flowers out really late at night.

When she gets the flowers she won't be mad. Then she goes on her trip and will totally forget about the entire stupid thing. Just let things go and don't get too wrapped up in the drama, especially when you already have enough to think about with the pregnancy. Good luck!

FWIW - I also think gender reveals are stupid but it seems unfair to do something for his family and not yours. We aren't finding out the sex - problem solved! No one knows!

Did you even read this thread? Your advice is not practical or possible for the OP, not to mention a little judgey

Neesey · September 2014

I hate it when people reply who obviously haven't read the thread...or in this case the op!

jennjilljo · September 2014

Congrats, @NCCountryGirl‌. Glad it went well!

jennypolkadots · September 2014

@NcCountryGirl - I didn't see your replies or the fact this has happened last week. I read it as happening next Saturday.

For what it's worth, my mom (whom I have almost no relationship with) didn't answer the phone the three times I tried to reach her between two days. I had to tell my other family members because we needed to tell work and I work with one of them. I was about 13 weeks. I told my aunt (her sister) and told her to please not tell. She told everyone and it really hurt my feelings. So my mom heard from her and called my sister crying about how she is shut out of our lives and I didn't tell her, blah blah blah even though I tried so hard to tell her first. It was really awful how she reacted like the news that I am welcoming a child is about her. She lives 15 minutes away and I haven't seen her since last October, even though I've invited her over and kept that door open. Anyways, most of us have mama drama.

It sounds like you handled it really well! Congrats on your little girl!!

Batchelor1022 · September 2014

I'm having a gender reveal party. I haven't ever heard of one being done. I don't get to see my family a lot BC I'm always working. I do not get to attend family functions. So I thought it would be a Great way just to get together and all find out at the same time. So I understand that u wanna tell everyone at the same time. My mom would throw a hissy too . Moms are childish sometimes when they don't get their way. I have come to realize that if I act normal and don't give in to her shenanigans she's fine In A day or 2. So call her and tell her that morning.
And don't play into it . It's your decision and only yours to make.

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