Crying it out

pleirey · September 2014

Reading through some of these experiences, you all make me so thankful for DS being such an easy baby. At only 3 weeks old, he was sleeping 6 magical hours every night! And rarely woke up "crying." He would wimper. He would fall asleep on his own and slept on his own...until we started potty training and then he would pee in the potty at 1am and then crawl in bed with me. But still, I realize how dang spoiled I was as a single mom with DS being such a great sleeper! I don't even know what some of these methods are some of you have mentioned.

Beauxbaton · September 2014

I'm with @LuckyPenny1231‌ I don't like the infant stage. My son had reflux. Luckily we got it figured out by the time he was 3 months.

We did a modified CIO around 5-6 months. Sometimes it didn't matter, he would fall asleep in our arms, then we would try to put him down and he'd start screaming. We had him in our room till 4 months. Then we moved him to his own where he slept way better. We will probably start this one in their own room.

llambrose · September 2014

Just as others have said, my opinion is that I do not believe in CIO. I did not have children expecting them to be born and just fit into my lifestyle. I had them fully expecting them to change how everything was done. They did not ask to be put here and I owe them as much of myself as I am able to give. They are my priority. If I lose sleep, so be it. If it works better for my husband to sleep in another room and have them with me, so be it. They are new to this world and everything is unknown to them. The single most comforting thing to most babies is their parent. I did not know what I would do until I actually had a baby but once I did, I knew that the only thing that felt natural to me was to follow my instincts, nurture that bond and try to be there for my baby whenever she needed me. I do not regret a single minute of that. Did I go without sleep? Yes. Did my relationship with my husband change? Yep. Did it change the way that I functioned on a daily basis? Definitely. My focus is my daughter (will be my daughter and son), that is why I decided to become a mom. It is totally unnatural for me to put a crying baby down in a room by itself and walk away. I cannot and will not do it. This quote really resonates with me “Don't stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe.” I may not have the most popular opinion on this topic and I am not trying to judge but for me CIO goes against everything that feels natural.

aerotigergirl · September 2014

llambrose said:

Just as others have said, my opinion is that I do not believe in CIO. I did not have children expecting them to be born and just fit into my lifestyle. I had them fully expecting them to change how everything was done. They did not ask to be put here and I owe them as much of myself as I am able to give. They are my priority. If I lose sleep, so be it. If it works better for my husband to sleep in another room and have them with me, so be it. They are new to this world and everything is unknown to them. The single most comforting thing to most babies is their parent. I did not know what I would do until I actually had a baby but once I did, I knew that the only thing that felt natural to me was to follow my instincts, nurture that bond and try to be there for my baby whenever she needed me. I do not regret a single minute of that. Did I go without sleep? Yes. Did my relationship with my husband change? Yep. Did it change the way that I functioned on a daily basis? Definitely. My focus is my daughter (will be my daughter and son), that is why I decided to become a mom. It is totally unnatural for me to put a crying baby down in a room by itself and walk away. I cannot and will not do it. This quote really resonates with me “Don't stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe.” I may not have the most popular opinion on this topic and I am not trying to judge but for me CIO goes against everything that feels natural.

You sure about that? Because this sounds a little judgy. Just saying....

Cbeanz · September 2014

@llambrose‌ what was that quote from?

SpaceGirlSpiff · September 2014

Yes @llambrose ... those of us who used CIO techniques when our children were of appropriate age, because that is what worked for our particular children, we were simply just selfish and hate our babies for not fitting into our perfect schedules, and clearly didn't understand what motherhood really means. Please practice more on the not judging thing, you're doing it wrong. Dammit people, for some kids CIO is what works, and that's that. You do your way, and let people do theirs... as long as children are age appropriate (over 6 months), and it's not done in an extreme way, there is nothing wrong with CIO methods. It's important for kids to learn how to sleep for their own sake, not just their parents'....and sometimes, yes, this is the only way they learn. In fact, my own particular case, it actually made my son's sleep WORSE when I would try to soothe or rock him to sleep, it took longer..... my going into the room always started things over again too. Put him down to sleep drowsy but awake by himself and walk away? 9 times out of 10, he's out within 5 minutes of CIO....and it was a matter of days before I wouldn't even have to put him down drowsy anymore, he was just fine being put down and left alone without barely a fuss. We BOTH were more rested this way. And he is a perfectly fine, happy toddler that goes to sleep with NO issue, has no issues with separation anxiety or any of that... very independent. This next LO? Who knows what will work for her... my mind is open.

ellasmama18 · September 2014

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llambrose · September 2014

Cbeanz said:

@llambrose‌ what was that quote from?

A friend of mine posted that quote on FB a while back from author Peggy O'Mara. It just summed up my feeling well and really resonated with me.

llambrose · September 2014

SpaceGirlSpiff said:

Yes @llambrose ... those of us who used CIO techniques when our children were of appropriate age, because that is what worked for our particular children, we were simply just selfish and hate our babies for not fitting into our perfect schedules, and clearly didn't understand what motherhood really means. Please practice more on the not judging thing, you're doing it wrong. Dammit people, for some kids CIO is what works, and that's that. You do your way, and let people do theirs... as long as children are age appropriate (over 6 months), and it's not done in an extreme way, there is nothing wrong with CIO methods. It's important for kids to learn how to sleep for their own sake, not just their parents'....and sometimes, yes, this is the only way they learn. In fact, my own particular case, it actually made my son's sleep WORSE when I would try to soothe or rock him to sleep, it took longer..... my going into the room always started things over again too. Put him down to sleep drowsy but awake by himself and walk away? 9 times out of 10, he's out within 5 minutes of CIO....and it was a matter of days before I wouldn't even have to put him down drowsy anymore, he was just fine being put down and left alone without barely a fuss. We BOTH were more rested this way. And he is a perfectly fine, happy toddler that goes to sleep with NO issue, has no issues with separation anxiety or any of that... very independent. This next LO? Who knows what will work for her... my mind is open.

So stating my opinion and feelings on a subject is judgy? I don't see exactly how that works. Others state their opinions in favor of CIO and they are not considered judgy. I feel that it sends a message that I do not want to send to my kids, just like many others feel that it is appropriate and fine. A contrary opinion and the reasoning behind it does not equal judgement, it is simply my viewpoint. Our society pushes a very opposite view and it can be hard being a new mom, feeling that you do not want to leave your infant alone to sleep yet everyone tells you that is exactly what you should do. I felt for a long time that I had to hide or pretend to be doing something different because making this choice is looked down on. I had to work up the courage to be honest about it and I feel like I should be open in case there are other new mothers feeling the same. You all can obviously do what you want but I want to be able to advocate the alternative in case there is anyone out there who feels the opposite of what is considered "the right way" so that they don't have to feel like that can't be true to what works for them or feels natural. I am very sorry if it seems judgmental, it is not my intention. But I felt that I was simply presenting my opinion and an alternate viewpoint. In a thread about Crying it out it seemed like the place to do that...

Beauxbaton · September 2014

@llambrose‌ I do believe it was the overall attitude of your post. There is nothing wrong with having s differeinh opinion. But the way you worded it makes it seem like if you cry it out then you aren't giving your kids all that you can. Or like people don't understand what being a mother is.

aerotigergirl · September 2014

aerotigergirl said:

llambrose said:

Just as others have said, my opinion is that I do not believe in CIO. I did not have children expecting them to be born and just fit into my lifestyle. I had them fully expecting them to change how everything was done. They did not ask to be put here and I owe them as much of myself as I am able to give. They are my priority. If I lose sleep, so be it. If it works better for my husband to sleep in another room and have them with me, so be it. They are new to this world and everything is unknown to them. The single most comforting thing to most babies is their parent. I did not know what I would do until I actually had a baby but once I did, I knew that the only thing that felt natural to me was to follow my instincts, nurture that bond and try to be there for my baby whenever she needed me. I do not regret a single minute of that. Did I go without sleep? Yes. Did my relationship with my husband change? Yep. Did it change the way that I functioned on a daily basis? Definitely. My focus is my daughter (will be my daughter and son), that is why I decided to become a mom. It is totally unnatural for me to put a crying baby down in a room by itself and walk away. I cannot and will not do it. This quote really resonates with me “Don't stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe.” I may not have the most popular opinion on this topic and I am not trying to judge but for me CIO goes against everything that feels natural.

You sure about that? Because this sounds a little judgy. Just saying....

@llambrose - I understand that you're stating your opinion and speaking from your experience. I think it was just the overall tone of your statement that made it come across as judgy. I have quoted your original statement. I bolded the parts that sounded a bit.... sancimommyous (to me). Particularly, the part in the middle sounds like you're trying to paint yourself as a mommy martyr who was willing to give up everything for your kids because you're awesome and moms who do it differently obviously don't love their kids as much.

Look, I agree with you. We didn't CIO either, for a lot of the same reasons that you mentioned (it felt unnatural to me, I felt like it was my responsibility to attend to my son's needs even if those needs were simply to be near me, etc). But that doesn't mean that moms who did use a CIO method love their kids any less. They're not bad moms who don't care about their kids well-being just because they used a method that wasn't right for you (or me).

Edit---I had to fix the tag

llambrose · September 2014

CuppyCakes721 said:

@llambrose‌ I do believe it was the overall attitude of your post. There is nothing wrong with having s differeinh opinion. But the way you worded it makes it seem like if you cry it out then you aren't giving your kids all that you can. Or like people don't understand what being a mother is.

I am sorry if it reads that way, I was just trying to give my honest feelings on the subject. I see people all of the time (not on here but in other places) say that their baby cried all night and wouldn't let them sleep, or that they need time with their husband, or leaving them so that they can go out all the time and it bothers me. I feel like our society has an attitude that children should adjust to the adults and not the other way around. Also, before you have children, you don't really understand what being a mother means and I want first time moms to know that they do not have to do the popular thing or the thing that your friends, family or doctor might advocate. (I don't mean you specifically, I am not sure if you have kids or not)

Beauxbaton · September 2014

llambrose said:

CuppyCakes721 said:

@llambrose‌ I do believe it was the overall attitude of your post. There is nothing wrong with having s differeinh opinion. But the way you worded it makes it seem like if you cry it out then you aren't giving your kids all that you can. Or like people don't understand what being a mother is.

I am sorry if it reads that way, I was just trying to give my honest feelings on the subject. I see people all of the time (not on here but in other places) say that their baby cried all night and wouldn't let them sleep, or that they need time with their husband, or leaving them so that they can go out all the time and it bothers me. I feel like our society has an attitude that children should adjust to the adults and not the other way around. Also, before you have children, you don't really understand what being a mother means and I want first time moms to know that they do not have to do the popular thing or the thing that your friends, family or doctor might advocate. (I don't mean you specifically, I am not sure if you have kids or not)

--------------

I can't bold on my phone. But even the statement you just said is judgey. A lot of women do in fact need time alone with their husband's. Obviously not at the well being of the babies. But needing alone time with your husband doesn't have much to do with crying it out. Also I understand wanting to let ftm's know they don't have to "follow the crowd," however by saying thingd the way you say them makes it seem like if they DO decide to CIO or whatever is going to mean they aren't giving their kids all the possibly can.

Fwiw I think babies and adults should adjust to each other. Especially working families. They have to get sleep tondo their jobs properly (most of the time anyway.) I'm not saying that you should let your 3 week old cry all night, but you can attempt to set some sort of schedule. DS naturally set himself on one at that point. But families have to do what works for them.

SpaceGirlSpiff · September 2014

I have nothing against differing opinions... at all. It is completely in the tone of your post @llambrose‌ .... when you use such statements as "I did not have children expecting them to be born and just fit into my lifestyle" and "They are my priority" etc etc etc, it sets a certain tone and underhanded implication that those who parent differently do not have those same priorities. It's like you're saying we're making the choices we are AT THE EXPENSE of our children, when actually for some of us (like me) the CIO experience was for their good.... my kid would not have rested how he needed to if I didnt take the steps I did, which included some CIO tactics. The point is, you did what works for you and others parent differently and the reasons they do it differently are not automatically because they're putting themselves before their children -- not at all! And that's exactly what all your posts have implied so far.

SpaceGirlSpiff · September 2014

Just to make myself clear -- CIO is not for all babies, just as other methods are not for every baby... it's completely individual. Just because I let my son CIO was not me being out of tune with my instincts...in fact, it was my instincts that led me to do it... what everyone else was doing (rocking baby to sleep, trying all these other soothing methods, going into the room when baby cried), was NOT working and was only making the situation worse. Did I enjoy hearing my baby cry, even if it was only for a few minutes??? No ...not at all... no one ENJOYS hearing that. But we do hard things as parents for the greater good. My son cried for a few minutes, so he could fall asleep and get GOOD quality sleep, and eventually teach himself to do it without crying..... Why was I going to continue fighting a losing fight by pushing the hands on soothing/rocking techniques that kept us awake for hours and not minutes?

britb618 · September 2014

Agree with @CuppyCakes721‌ with this one- being from a family with divorced parents I feel like i need to make my marriage a priority- my brother made my mom sleep with him every night or he would cry (I'm talking like age 7) and she never slept with my step father - when my step dad left I wasn't all that shocked because there marriage wasn't a priority at all...I'm not trying to say that she deserved him to be a cheating ass but just saying that my marriage is important too and I feel like by making it a priority I'm doing my children a service because they get a happy home life-
But I didn't CIO so this is just a side opinion

Unknown · September 2014

This content has been removed.

rachel+family · September 2014

@llambrose‌ I agree with you.

SpaceGirlSpiff · September 2014

Yeah..and just to make my self doubly clear -- NO to CIO when baby is not age appropriate... No. I have heard at MINIMUM they should be 4 months, I prefer more like over 6 months. There is no excuse to CIO so young as a few weeks.

rachel+family · September 2014

@SpaceGirlSpiff‌ has a good point too though.
It's cruel to let a newborn CIO. They are still adjusting to life outside the womb and then mommy/daddy leaves them alone to cry while they are completely helpless. Same with strict feeding schedules for newborns.
As far as babies 6 months+,
I think crying it out alone for a long period of time, on a nightly basis is not working for baby. I think it depends how long babies are crying before they get tended to that is the big deal. If it's waiting a few minutes to see if the crying was even conscious crying (my son sometimes just whimpers or talks while sleeping) like for 5 mins or so, is very different to a child who hollers for 30+ mins every night with no change. I think that's where I draw the line. 5-10 mins is different to a baby who cries for an hour each night

llambrose · September 2014

SpaceGirlSpiff said:
Yeah..and just to make my self doubly clear -- NO to CIO when baby is not age appropriate... No. I have heard at MINIMUM they should be 4 months, I prefer more like over 6 months. There is no excuse to CIO so young as a few weeks.

This is where some of my strong feelings are coming from. I know too many people who think that is ok and it makes me sad. I wouldn't do it at any age but most of you who do it sound like you do it more resonably (like a couple minutes at an older age) people willing to do this with newborns make me upset.

I also know someone who left their 2 week old baby with relatives for 2 weeks to go on vacation with their husband, I can't help but feel that those kind of priorities are messed up.

(I only have a phone to type on right now so sometimes I can't reference the thing I am referring to correctly, sorry if it comes out wrong)

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