I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...Offered to throw my SIL a baby shower at my home; asked her to let me know what weekend November would be best for her and asked her to compile a list of family members and close friends that she would like to invite (told her not to worry about my brother's side of the family, I would include them so she didn't have to worry about getting all of that info). About a week later, she told me her guest list was up to 45! I tried to explain that a shower of that size would not fit in my house, that even if half of them were not able to make it, I would still not be able to fit her side AND my brother's side of the family. I asked if she thought there might be a way to cut the list down a little bit ("No, I don't think so. I have a lot of friends" - None of which are offering to throw her a shower). I also asked if she had any other baby showers being planned just in case there was the possibility of everyone on her list being invited to two - Nope. The list is now up to 75, for her side alone, even after I asked her to reduce the original list!! She now says that she wants the shower to be co-ed (so double the list = 150 for just her side), be at a facility (add more $), doesn't want games or baby shower-type activities, would prefer it to be more of an open house, AND have alcohol for the guests (add $$$). Oh, she also wants the shower moved to early October so that she has time to return gifts if she doesn't get what she wants/needs (she's due at the end of December). Which, makes complete sense EXCEPT that she has registered for about 4-5 of everything. Yes, 4 monitors, 6 nursery bedding sets, different parts/accessories of multiple different brands of breast pumps, etc. She says she wants the guests to have options. Isn't the point of a registry to register for the things that YOU want and therefore avoid having to return/exchange?? How can I explain to her that the list needs to be cut in a way that she will understand and not be rude? She obviously ignored my request earlier so apparently I need to be more thorough. I definitely don't want to have to retract my offer to throw the shower, because I really do want to throw her a beautiful shower (and NO ONE else is willing to throw her one). But if the guest list will be almost 200-300 people I will not be hosting. I'm really at a loss since my request fell upon deaf ears last time...Thank you in advance for any advice. I apologize for the long post!
Her demands are absolutely asinine and she does not get to dictate what happens at the shower. This is a gift that you are providing for her.
I would just come out with it and tell her that she needs to cut the list and her demands drastically or else you will not be able to host. If she still refuses, then I would tell her you will no longer be hosting. If anybody tells you that you are rude for stepping down, then go ahead and offer the position to them and tell them all that it entails according to SIL's demands. That will probably shut them up.
I just can't even with the whole registry issue. She needs a slap in the face with a book on etiquette.
Tapsalteerie, you are exactly right about the slap in the face with a book on etiquette! This is just the tip of the iceberg too. I left a bunch out because my post was way too long.
Momtobe2912, I think including my brother in this conversation will help and was thinking of talking to him first. That way he can maybe give me some advice of how to explain it to her.
I'm going to stick to my guns on the shower vs. open house thing too. I feel if it's more of an open house, with no baby shower type activities at all, it feels like a "drop off your presents & leave" kind of party. Which is what SIL is wanting, in my opinion, which is why she wants more people to come.
Tapsalteerie, you are exactly right about the slap in the face with a book on etiquette! This is just the tip of the iceberg too. I left a bunch out because my post was way too long.
Momtobe2912, I think including my brother in this conversation will help and was thinking of talking to him first. That way he can maybe give me some advice of how to explain it to her.
I'm going to stick to my guns on the shower vs. open house thing too. I feel if it's more of an open house, with no baby shower type activities at all, it feels like a "drop off your presents & leave" kind of party. Which is what SIL is wanting, in my opinion, which is why she wants more people to come.
That is exactly what it is which is why you need to stick to your guns about everything you originally planned. Good luck with the talk.
Honestly, I would just say "Unfortunately what you want I'm unable to do. Size of the guest list and the cost- I can't do it. I'm going to have to remove my offer to throw a shower."
Don't get into "I can do it if you do __" - she didn't listen to youthe first time. She doesn't care. Anything you move forward with- there will be more issues and she won't be happy. So- just back down.
You are not rude at all. She is taking advantage of your kindness and you are under no obligation whatsoever to continue this nonsense.
At this point I would tell her that you have no choice to bow out as you simply don't have the time, space and money to give her the kind of shower she wants.
Just say, I'm able to host x people at my house. Please give me a list of the x people you'd most like to invite. I'm afraid I am not able to offer anything more than that, although you are free to accept another offer instead. Just let me know by date, or I will assume I am no longer hosting.
Yeah, your SIL is being a twit, but she's probably never been to a small sweet home shower like the one you are envisioning, so I think you can handle this politely by just letting her know exactly what you have in mind: "So look,I had this vision of hosting just like you 3 closest friends plus maybe a handful a family members for this really sweet little shower at my house. If you don't think that sounds cool, then maybe we should just scrap the whole idea, but I seriously don't feel comfortable hosting anything bigger."
Anyway, this is insane. Tell her you offered to throw her a shower, not an open house, and if she doesn't want the shower you want to throw, then you need to step down. Bring your brother into the talk and good luck!
"SIL, I care about you, and I really want you to have the shower that YOU want. Unfortunately, what you want is beyond my resources, so I feel like I should step down now, while there's still time for you to organize the shower you want. If someone throws you an open house, I would be happy to ____________ [bring a dish, pay for the cake... whatever you're comfortable with, if anything.]"
I'd honestly bow out at this point. If she's as grabby as she sounds, what's to stop her from giving you a manageable list, then inviting everybody she wants behind your back? I'm not sure I'd want to deal with the hassle.
I'm curious what your SIL says after your talk (I'm with the rest of the board. Just say you can't give her what she wants and you therefore have to step down). I can imagine her throwing her own shower with FB invites and cute poems about diaper raffles and books instead of cards.
I was in your shoes EXACTLY. My SIL had a ridiculous request for # of guests including about a dozen family members who are huge eaters (I'm going to go on a limb and be culturally insensitive and say I was shocked at how much food I saw them pack at another family get together...and I was once 300 lbs). She also said my brother wanted to come and wanted to invite his friends and wanted booze and wanted BBQ.
I asked her several times to pare down the list, saying I could accommodate about 16-20 guests in my home. It was a no go. She wanted a park, etc... That's when I had to tell her and my bro both that I just couldn't afford this... I mean come on I was a divorced mom with 3 kids and not getting child support. Wtf did they expect? That's when they offered to pay for booze and food. I had HAD it. I told them then it wouldn't be me hosting and I was sorry I couldn't accommodate the kind of celebration they wanted.
They were pissed but got over it and threw their own shower. Like, 5 people came.
Oh geez! What a nightmare!! My wedding had 50 total guests so I can't imagine a shower being 3 times so big!!
You have to be brutally honest and tell her te X number of total guests you are comfortable having and that you can offer up YOUR home, not a facility. Just be honest about it. If she gets offended or what not, then she's just not worth your effort!!
Wow, your SIL is crazy! I can't believe that she wants a co-ed open house/baby shower with alcohol and 100+ people. That is ridiculous! You need to withdraw your hosting offer and do it QUICK! Good luck!
Very similar to the situation I dealt with this summer with my SIL. Luckily I was co-hosting with her sister so she got the brunt of the demands. We were thinking of a shower for family around 30 people and a couple of her closest friends - she gave us a list of 100 people and after we sent out invitations asked us to change the location to an entirely different town to better accommodate her friends. We did send out all the invitations because since she was asking us to change the location for her friends we told her we would not be offended if they wanted to host a friends shower in that town and she had no offers to host another shower - we figured none of her friends were all that close and probably wouldn't show up. We were right. About 5-6 friends showed up and I think we had exactly 29 people there. (It wasn't a cross country thing either where we were sending invites to friends just so they felt involved - it was a 45 minute drive)
I don't think the sisters have talked since the shower over a month ago b/c how demanding the MTB was.
Of course in your situtation, I wouldn't send all the invitations or change the venue.
The toughest part is going to be you helping her pull her head out of her butt. I can't believe these requests. I agree with PP- just let her know what you can do, and if she is unwilling to accept then you have to step down as hostess.
After the list of 75 I would of been like "Look, I can't have that many people, I have a budget. I love you but I can't afford all of this". End of story.
As a PP said, i would tell her a certain amount of guests that you can host (i.e close family) and offer a nice, personal shower. Then she can go ahead and organise her own insanely huge shower if she wants, seriously, who even has that many friends!
My shower is going to be at my MIL's house and i'm avoiding inviting many people at all just because of that. I have a guest list of 12 and i've already cut some people from it (if anyone is particularly offended and can't understand that houses are small then they can deal with it!)
Re: Polite way to say "Cut the list" or I can't throw your shower?
Momtobe2912, I think including my brother in this conversation will help and was thinking of talking to him first. That way he can maybe give me some advice of how to explain it to her.
I'm going to stick to my guns on the shower vs. open house thing too. I feel if it's more of an open house, with no baby shower type activities at all, it feels like a "drop off your presents & leave" kind of party. Which is what SIL is wanting, in my opinion, which is why she wants more people to come.
Definitely give us an update!
Anyway, this is insane. Tell her you offered to throw her a shower, not an open house, and if she doesn't want the shower you want to throw, then you need to step down. Bring your brother into the talk and good luck!
No update yet? waaaa!
I asked her several times to pare down the list, saying I could accommodate about 16-20 guests in my home. It was a no go. She wanted a park, etc... That's when I had to tell her and my bro both that I just couldn't afford this... I mean come on I was a divorced mom with 3 kids and not getting child support. Wtf did they expect? That's when they offered to pay for booze and food. I had HAD it. I told them then it wouldn't be me hosting and I was sorry I couldn't accommodate the kind of celebration they wanted.
They were pissed but got over it and threw their own shower. Like, 5 people came.
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Please let us know how it goes.
You have to be brutally honest and tell her te X number of total guests you are comfortable having and that you can offer up YOUR home, not a facility. Just be honest about it. If she gets offended or what not, then she's just not worth your effort!!
Sounds like a real winner of a SIL...
My shower is going to be at my MIL's house and i'm avoiding inviting many people at all just because of that. I have a guest list of 12 and i've already cut some people from it (if anyone is particularly offended and can't understand that houses are small then they can deal with it!)