Parents visiting after birth

jenbrown516 · September 2014

Both my parents and inlaws live across the country. What's the best way to have them visit once the baby is born? I am worried we will constantly have house guests for a few weeks after the baby is born (because everyone will want to come for at least a week) but I don't want to miss out on all the family bonding time and getting our own schedule set because we will always have house guests.

dacora · September 2014

My parents live about 30 minutes away from me, and my mom is coming to stay with us for two weeks to help us out with everything. Are your parents and inlaws going to be helping with the new baby or are they going to need you to entertain them? If they're just going to be in the way then that's definitely a problem.

You should be able to establish your own schedule even with them there, and if they expect otherwise then you need to talk to them about that. If you aren't comfortable with having to deal with a brand new baby and your family, then ask them to wait two weeks or so until after the baby is born for you guys to settle in first. Family should be there to help you, not just coo over the new baby and make nuisances of themselves.

PeaceofKia · September 2014

My mom is coming for no more than a week, maybe less. I don't know if MIL is coming because my SIL is due 2 weeks after me and lives in Colorado, so that's up in the air. My grandmother will come for 1-2 weeks after the babies are home, I'll need the help with the twinsies because DH won't have much time off and I'll still be recovering from the c-section.

I say do what works for you, if anything, while DH is home from work (if he's taking leave time), don't have house guests within that time period.

maltwin1 · September 2014

We are literally on the other side of the country from both sides of the family as well. We told both sides of the family that we'd love for whoever can to come and be a part of welcoming the new baby, but NO ONE was going to be stating in our house. We provided a list if hotels in different price points, but we were not interested in having house guests. It was the best decision we made. We had our space to bond with DS and they still got to come over and see the new little guy without feeling on top of us. We were a little worried that our families would feel slighted that we didn't provide everyone somewhere to stay, but everyone was great and totally understood.

jmcgra06 · September 2014

My mom stayed a week with DD, and she was amazing. We definitely butt-heads growing up, and I was really worried about it. She was such a life saver. She made all our food, cleaned, and held DD for three hours each morning while we slept. I never once felt like I couldn't bond with the baby, and I had to ask her to hold her because she didn't want to step on my toes. It could be miserable for sure, but my experience was great even though I was very worried. Good luck!

krispy83 · September 2014

My parents live close by, so it wasn't an issue with them. They weren't much help, but that's a whole separate story :P My ILs live 2500 miles away. FIL, MIL and SIL flew out for 4-5 days when DS was 3 weeks old. They stayed at a hotel nearby. That point was non-negotiable for us. DH and I talked about it long before DS was born and, since they're his parents, he talked to them about it. But we were NOT willing to have 3 houseguests for several days with a brand new infant. DS was up multiple times a night, I was exhausted, DH had just gone back to work, DS hit a growth spurt while they were here, it was just insanity.

I would absolutely not have been able to handle having people staying with us. This worked out okay because they would come over in the morning for a bit, then leave so we could have a little down time (nap, nursing without an audience, etc) and then come back in the late afternoon/evening for dinner and hang out a bit more.

I agree with pp - what kind of visitors are they going to be? My ILs, I'm sure, had great intentions, but they mostly just wanted to hold DS and hang out. If your family will be helpful (laundry, cooking, taking care of the baby so you can shower/sleep/whatever) and not be a hindrance, then that's a different story.

KMac570 · September 2014

With my son, I initially thought I didn't want to let anyone stay with us after, so that we could bond and have our own space. My sister ultimately ended up staying with me for the first week, and my mom then came for a week after that. Honestly, for me it was a lifesaver. I didn't realize until I HAD a newborn what it was really like - especially with a colicky, "there is no way I am sleeping, let alone on my back" newborn. They are the only reason I bathed that week. lol. This time my mom will come again, hopefully for a few weeks. I still try to keep MIL at more of a distance - she drives me insane.

Allie429 · September 2014

My mom and dad and MIL live close by. My mom took off a week last time as well as my MIL. There was a COMPLETE difference in the two. My mom wanted us to have bonding time with each other as a family while she cooked, cleaned, went to the store. She didn't want to hog the baby - it was awesome! My MIL was WAAAY different. She wanted to hold the baby while I cleaned, cooked, etc. She did stay one night while the baby slept and fed her when she got up. That was one of the first nights in a couple of weeks that my husband and I slept in the bed together. I don't know what will happen this time around though

lizjennings81 · September 2014

We'd like to have at least a couple of weeks to ourselves. In theory it would be nice to have my mom here for the birth, but in execution? I can't see it working.

I think my parents will come first at least two weeks after the birth, my ILs after. My parents will help. My ILs will expect to be entertained (and they're going to be disappointed). Everyone has to stay in a hotel since the guest room is now the nursery.

Good thing is that my husband is taking his full leave (16 weeks), but splitting it up over the months until we get her into daycare. I know it'll be rough, but I'm happy we'll be working together that first month to settle into our new life.

delaneykai · September 2014

With our DD, we had the first 8ish hours with her at the hospital without any visitors, which we loved. My parents arrived first and stayed with us for 3 days (granted, I was in the hospital for one of those days), and while it would sound chaotic since we lived in a small, 2-bedroom apartment at the time, it was actually wonderful. Nothing was better than having 2 extra pairs of hands to help and love on DD, to allow me to take a quick 30 minute nap, and to cook meals. My inlaws came for a few hours on the day she was born, and then came back for a one day visit (not overnight) each week for the first month since they only live 2 hours away. DH had taken paternity leave for a week, but after he returned to work, my mom came back for 1 week to help me get adjusted and to help with any questions/concerns I was having. I loved how it all worked out, and we're planning to do the same thing when Peanut arrives.

freegiraffe · September 2014

My mom lives in town so that's easy. My in laws live across the country. We haven't talked about it yet, but I would definitely prefer for them to stay in a hotel when they come visit, and hopefully not until 2-3 weeks after the birth.

Houseguests make me crazy. This summer has been especially bad, we've had extended guests for 6 weeks over the past two months. I can't wait to have a baby to use as an excuse for why friends can't crash with us for more than a couple of nights.

pitdigger · September 2014

I can't be of too much help, unfotunately. We're both a fair distance from families and because of previous drama (sibling of his, not us) we are trying to be reasona le and welcoming. We're actually thinking of laying out some parameters for our mothers (i.e.: no visitors before X date, maximum length of stay, maximum length of overlap, etc.) and letting them work it out between them. Thankfully, they seem to get along reasonably well and I think it would be just the moms coming out, so this may actually work out, but we'll see.

t8keepr03 · September 2014

My in laws live in town and insisted on being in our room the second DD was born. I can't imagine them staying with us if they were out of town. They are not helpful. They just want to hold the baby and not help. So if they aren't going to help I wouldn't want them staying with me. My parents live across the country but have a beach house for when they come see me. So they don't even want to stay which is great because DH and I are very private people. We don't like a lot of people in our space. I can't imagine people staying with me with a newborn. I would feel like I have to host.

Edited for words.

Chcaggie1 · September 2014

Wow. It's so great hearing everyone's experiences! I've been concerned that we love in a 2 bedroom apt and our parents won't b able to stay with us but now I'm kinda thankful! I'm not sure who if anyone will come to town and stay probably my mom will come help me for awhile when hubby goes back to work. She will stay in a hotel. But we haven't actually discussed this yet.

aggiebug · September 2014

I think the best thing to expect is that you will have a lot of house guests after baby is born. Not only immediately, but if they are anything like my family their visits to see you (really the baby) become much more frequent. I would say decided if you want time by yourself before you have visitors or not. With your next kids you will really need to have someone present to help with the first kid while you are busy so this is really your best chance of having it be just the three of you.

Then just have an open discussion with both of them what they hope to do and let them know you are trying to find a balance between everyone.

My ILs asked us last month when we wanted them here because there were good deals to fly here. Ummm I don't know when the baby will arrive so I don't know. I also know they will be here in April but that is just much to long to wait to meet their first grandkid. Oh well!

acpruchnik · September 2014

jenbrown516 said:

Both my parents and inlaws live across the country. What's the best way to have them visit once the baby is born? I am worried we will constantly have house guests for a few weeks after the baby is born (because everyone will want to come for at least a week) but I don't want to miss out on all the family bonding time and getting our own schedule set because we will always have house guests.

We had this issue with my inlaws when DS was born. They both live in Michigan and my c-section, although scheduled, ended up happening early. Within a week of him being born we had my MIL on our couch and the same day she flew home, my FIL flew out (they're divorced and hate each other so we asked they come at different times) for a week. The first 2 weeks of being parents is hectic enough and I wish I hadn't had them visiting so soon. I get they wanted to see their first grandchild and that's why I didn't tell them to wait a few weeks, but this time we've told them they need to wait. It was just too much on me, not as hard on DH so I felt guilty, trying to adjust and I felt obligated to go out and do whatever they wanted so I was completely exhausted and stressed out. I didn't get to enjoy my first few weeks of being a mum and I've regretted it since. It's a touchy subject in any sense so it's something you're going to catch crap about from anyone that wants to visit and you and your SO will have to stick hard to whatever you decide is best. Good luck!!

mommy510 · September 2014

Try not to have them visit back to back. MIL came to visit when DS was about a month old. It was better because he was on a schedule and everyone was more rested. My parents live in town, so they weren't an issue. FIL never came to visit. He loves babies, but I guess he just wanted to respect our space.
If you could have everyone space their visits out so you have a week with a helpful family member visiting and then a week to yourselves, it might be good.

lulu4087 · September 2014

I'm planning on having my parents come out for the birth and stay after. Granted I have no prior experience so who knows how this will go. My mom can get on my nerves but typically she is very helpful around the house. There's really no hotels close by they can stay. And we have a guest room in the basement and our room is on the 2nd floor so that will give us some separation. It'll be nice to have people staying there to take care of the 3 dogs and 5 cats while we are in the hospital too.

Biscotto · September 2014

My mom's coming for a month, she's coming two weeks before my EDD and for 3 weeks after. We live in Europe and my mom's in the US. I'm really grateful she's coming, she'll be an amazing help. She's a nurse and had four babies herself so I know she'll help us out. FI's parents will come when my mom leaves. We have different opinions on many things, but his parents mean well and his mother cleans and cooks like a champ, so they will be very helpful. His father also is great with reparing things, etc. It'll be a full house, but hopefully I'll still be happy they came.

Biscotto · September 2014

seamonster said:
Our families live in the US and we're currently living in Europe, so we're trying to stagger the parents' visits. I'd really like not to have them come one right after another. My mom offered to come out in January to help us out, but I'll still be working and I'd prefer her to come out after the baby's born. She's a university professor so I think she was trying to time her visit to not conflict with her classes, but I've convinced her to come out at the end of March when she has spring break. I think DH's mother and her husband are planning to come out in April and I don't know when his father and his wife are planning to come out.

I think for the most part they'll all be helpful in at least some capacity. We have offered up a mattress on the living room floor since our guest room will be the nursery, but there are plenty of hotels and B&Bs nearby and we have plenty of nearby public transportation.

.

Where are you? I'm in Switzerland.

KMommytobe · September 2014

I would just have them come a few weeks later when you're a little more settled. With one baby I never needed "help" I mean I had 2 hands and after 9 months I was so ready!

When you have your 2nd family can be more helpful with entertaining your first!

jenbrown516 · September 2014

Thanks all! The suggestions have given me some insight and ideas on how to handle the situation! My gut instinct tells me to keep the birth private and have them come a couple days after, and maybe spend a couple of nights in a hotel instead of always at our house! I'm just hoping that at the end of the day both our families will understand and respect our requests.

lizzybean · September 2014

All of our family is 3000 miles away. When our first was born, my inlaws planned their flight to arrive on my due date.

It worked out perfectly that I had DD 8 days early, so by the time they arrived we already had a bit of normalcy back to our life.

Then my family came about a month later, simply because my Mom is a teacher and had to wait for summer to come visit.

I would STRONGLY recommend you give yourself a little time to just be a new family before adding other people to the mix. Also, don't have them all at once! Be sure to do one side first, then the other side.

LadybugMomma18 · September 2014

My aunt will be staying with us to help for probably about a week. All of our family is across the country so we won't have to worry about a ton of visitors. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so figuring out sleeping arrangements will be tricky but we will figure it out. The best part is that I know she is coming to help and not to just coo over the baby and be entertained. I'm sure my MIL will want to come but I'm not sure when. Either way she will definitely be staying in a hotel. There is no way in hell she'll be stayingn with us and driving me up the wall with a newborn to care for.

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