Intro and a question

crystal8503 · September 2014

Hi ladies! I've lurked here a fair amount and have also participated minimally over the last year, but thought it was time to finally introduce myself if I was going to ask a question. I'm a SAHM to my 20 month old son and we are expecting our second child in October. There really isn't much to say about me, but feel free to ask any questions.

My question - How do you get time to yourself? I feel as if I never have time to myself but it always ends up that my husband ends up with something. It's not frequent, but he still gets it and I seldom do. Last night for example, he had to work overtime and then went to a going away party for a co-worker to help keep good ties since we might relocate there and he wants a good standing relationship. He was supposed to be home around 6-7 and he didn't get home until 10. I was furious and just went to bed since I wasn't feeling well anyway. Of course, my son picked last night (and the night before) to be up and was up from 12:15-3:00 and I'm so tired. He did sleep until 6:30 in his crib and thankfully went back to sleep with me until almost 9:00. I was in a terrible mood all night because my husband was snoring beside me since he had to get up for work at 2:45. It took everything I had in me not to freak out on him when his alarm went off at 2:45 and he hit the snooze button for 15 minutes instead of going in to console our son, and then he had the audacity to ask what his problem has been the last two nights. Ummmmm, I don't fucking know but you're not dealing with it, so why do you care?

We took a trip to Alaska to visit some of our friends and his was a planned guys weekend and I ended up going to help host a bridal shower and visit with my friends. It was a great time, but I was with my son the entire time since what they were doing wasn't safe or appropriate for a baby. He got guys time yet again and I got baby time while trying to still enjoy myself. These two guy friends (who I absolutely love) came to visit us in February over a long weekend and he had a guys weekend then as well. I'm just over it. I need a break but don't know how to get one for myself. I won't get a weekend and I'm not wanting a weekend despite how glorious that sounds, but I NEED SOMETHING before I lose my ever loving mind.

So, my question to you is this - how do you find a happy medium of a balance?

jensriot · September 2014

Welcome. As far as me time goes, I just do it. I have a monthly girls night planned and I try to get out 1-2 other times each month with friends. DH is very supportive of this though. We both realize that getting away a little makes us better parents when we are here. I actually send my H a meeting request when I have scheduled a night out. He puts it in his calendar, just like any other meeting. That way, he doesn't make other plans and hopefully nothing comes up for work. If something does, I have a few babysitters I can reach out to. We don't have family anywhere near us, so babysitters are key. It goes both ways, he gets poker night or whatever as well. Good luck!

raraavis28 · September 2014

Welcome aboard! I have twin boys who are the same age as your son.

As for the "me" time, I do have a choir I'm involved in so, when that's in season I have Thursday nights and Sunday mornings to do that, but when it comes to hanging out w/ friends, honestly I just make my own plans every now and again and then tell DH "Hey I'm going out to get drinks w/ so-and-so on such-and-such a night" and he puts the boys to bed, or I leave after we both put them down. We have decent communication on this matter, and he understands my need for social time or to just get a break and is usually really accommodating about it.....as I am when he has late night meetings or wants to grab a drink w/ a buddy.

It sounds like it's time to sit down w/ your DH and have a talk about what you expect out of each other in terms of being around and your need for a break every once in a while. He's working hard, but the nature of your job is that you're always on so occasional breaks are a must. Does he take care of your LO solo a lot? If not, you might start by just running some errands alone while he's home. GL!

MesmrEwe · September 2014

First - you schedule it! Sometimes it works out, others not, but you have to start with "You're going to have the baby this weekend!" I don't care if you go to a cheap hotel and sleep the entire time, you need to do something for you. Sometimes just a day at the mall or just such that you don't need to be accounted for is all you need. It's a lot easier to set this pattern into place now when you've got one than when there are more kids. And maybe point out - hey - you got time with the guys sans baby, I need some too! You can stay home and *I'll* go out with the guys LOL You need to have things that you do RELIABLY that take care of you.

Sounds like you're also feeling the effects of sleep deprivation!! DS for whatever reason isn't STTN right now either and since I'm not back to sleeping in bed it's not that comfortable to bring him to sleep on the recliner for the duration with me..

I can tell you this - I gave him the "stink eye" last night because I'd asked before the last schedule was set that he not work the night shift last night so I could go to a Yanni Concert... Notice I didn't say "take him along" or "get a sitter" (seriously - something like that would be miserable for him, which would make it miserable for me, yada yada - so I wanted to go and enjoy myself! I don't drink so it wouldn't have been THAT big of an issue to go and come home post-concert).. Also because he asked "is there anything major going on that I should schedule around"...

It's hard IRL to be assertive enough to say "hey! I need to do this" especially when the kids are primarily dependent on you. But there will come a day when the kids are grown and you can do more, but for now, at least a couple times a year reliably take a day/overnight for you!!!

crystal8503 · September 2014

raraavis28 said:

Welcome aboard! I have twin boys who are the same age as your son.

As for the "me" time, I do have a choir I'm involved in so, when that's in season I have Thursday nights and Sunday mornings to do that, but when it comes to hanging out w/ friends, honestly I just make my own plans every now and again and then tell DH "Hey I'm going out to get drinks w/ so-and-so on such-and-such a night" and he puts the boys to bed, or I leave after we both put them down. We have decent communication on this matter, and he understands my need for social time or to just get a break and is usually really accommodating about it.....as I am when he has late night meetings or wants to grab a drink w/ a buddy.

It sounds like it's time to sit down w/ your DH and have a talk about what you expect out of each other in terms of being around and your need for a break every once in a while. He's working hard, but the nature of your job is that you're always on so occasional breaks are a must. Does he take care of your LO solo a lot? If not, you might start by just running some errands alone while he's home. GL!

No, he doesn't have our son a lot by himself because of his work schedule. It's extremely busy in the summer and he has been working doubles almost the entire last 2.5 months. I feel guilty wanting to get away when he's finally home because we have such limited family time, but that will be increasing again soon. He has been getting up at 6:00 on his off days to make the hour trip to get groceries and is usually home before we're finished breakfast. That's great and all, but it still leaves me home with our son and he gets to get out. I know he is trying to help because it is difficult for me to manage grocery shopping an hour away while 30+ weeks pregnant and I don't want to do it, but it annoys me that he's getting to do it alone.

The thing that gets me most is I am very aware of when he needs time and will ask him when he's going for his next hike because it changes his personality so much when he is just going to work and coming home to sleep. He never does that for me. And then I get pissy because I want time to myself but I have no idea what to do because I'm 34 weeks pregnant, super uncomfortable and don't want to spend my time alone spending money.

I guess I know how things are going to go once we have a newborn again and I'm already dreading how exhausted I'm going to be with a nursing baby.

MesmrEwe · September 2014

That means now more than ever - you need to go grocery shopping BY YOURSELF!!! So what if you're "spending money" - you're also getting food/provisions for your family that are necessary. I totally understand busy DH schedules, but you've got to reenergize! Who cares if that means going to the grocery store alone!

crystal8503 · September 2014

MesmrEwe said:

That means now more than ever - you need to go grocery shopping BY YOURSELF!!! So what if you're "spending money" - you're also getting food/provisions for your family that are necessary. I totally understand busy DH schedules, but you've got to reenergize! Who cares if that means going to the grocery store alone!

I guess the problem is I don't want to go grocery shopping alone. I don't want that to be my time away, I'm more than a SAHM or housewife. When I said I don't want to spend my alone time shopping, I meant I don't want to spend that time taking a trip to the mall where I'll buy things we don't need. Does that make more sense? I just want more but I don't know what I want. I love staying home, but damn, I need a break.

raraavis28 · September 2014

Sounds like the new baby on the way is a great opportunity to have a "Come to Jesus" talk w/ your H. I don't know what having just one baby is like, but two is definitely a challenge, especially at the beginning. Not that we do this perfectly, but teamwork and communication are a must. Maybe you can take this time to brainstorm ways to get you breaks.

crystal8503 · September 2014

raraavis28 said:

Sounds like the new baby on the way is a great opportunity to have a "Come to Jesus" talk w/ your H. I don't know what having just one baby is like, but two is definitely a challenge, especially at the beginning. Not that we do this perfectly, but teamwork and communication are a must. Maybe you can take this time to brainstorm ways to get you breaks.

I think you're right. He just doesn't get my cues most of the time. If they're downstairs and I go upstairs to do something, don't follow me to see what I'm doing. He really tries and is a great father/husband, but I'm in such a rut that nothing he does is right these days. He has been cooking most nights when he's home without having OT and that helps a ton. I'm in such a rut of cooking, cleaning, taking care of our son and being exhausted from pregnancy that I have no motivation for much else. I feel like not getting away is starting to impact how I like to parent. I feel as if I'm failing our son by not stimulating him enough and that guilt is really beginning to wear on me lately.

jensriot · September 2014

What is your support network? Knowing that may help us help you. Do you have a group of friends to go out with? Do you have family close by? Do you have any sitters available? Many ladies here really know about moms groups or MOPs or other types of mom get togethers.

MesmrEwe · September 2014

crystal8503 said:

MesmrEwe said:

That means now more than ever - you need to go grocery shopping BY YOURSELF!!! So what if you're "spending money" - you're also getting food/provisions for your family that are necessary. I totally understand busy DH schedules, but you've got to reenergize! Who cares if that means going to the grocery store alone!

I guess the problem is I don't want to go grocery shopping alone. I don't want that to be my time away, I'm more than a SAHM or housewife. When I said I don't want to spend my alone time shopping, I meant I don't want to spend that time taking a trip to the mall where I'll buy things we don't need. Does that make more sense? I just want more but I don't know what I want. I love staying home, but damn, I need a break.

If you don't know what you want, you need to figure that part out in a hurry. If you aim a ship to sea it's not going to end well unless you've got a plan for where the ship is heading. When I go to the mall by myself - the most I buy is a bleep'n ice cream cone, possibly lunch at a restaurant I couldn't take the kids to. It's more the idea of walking around comfortable in my own skin, so if that's not appealing, do something that is, go bowling if you have to! I wholeheartedly agree with @raraavis28 in that you do need to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with YH because it takes two to make them and two to raise them. Sure, your job doesn't have monetary returns, but that doesn't mean you're in it alone 24/7/365, you need "vacation" or "off" time too. It really will pay in dividends for you to have that time because it will make you rested which will give you the energy to do more with the kids/YH.

crystal8503 · September 2014

jensriot said:

What is your support network? Knowing that may help us help you. Do you have a group of friends to go out with? Do you have family close by? Do you have any sitters available? Many ladies here really know about moms groups or MOPs or other types of mom get togethers.

We have zero family near us and no babysitters. I do have a few friends here but their husbands work normal hours and it's hard to get together with them since things just never seem to work out. I have one friend that I have watched her twin boys multiple times but it never works out for her to help me and I've stopped asking.

I did go to a MNO several months back but it's nothing that happens super often. It's an even that is specific for moms getting out. The town opens stores up for discounts and the restaurants have tickets you purchase in advance to get an appetizer, glass of wine, etc. That was fun but I think it only happens twice a year.

ababymaybe · September 2014

Both of my kids are in bed by 7ish so it usually isn't too hard for me unless DH has a meeting (he's self employed so flexible, but also works a lot). Do you have any hobbies? My time is gym or yoga, usually, or sometimes meeting up with friends but as you said that can be difficult when you both have kids.

crystal8503 · September 2014

Thank you ladies for all of your advice and for listening to me vent.

crystal8503 · September 2014

Usm123 said:

Send your LO to the store withDH. It can be special bonding time for them and give you some quiet time in your house.

That is definitely something I would enjoy!

JeffandLeslie · September 2014

Everyone else has had great advice. I will say that I feel *more* resentful when I start calculating out "well, I've had this much time and he's had this much time, and that's not equal" so I try not to do that. Instead, I just try to focus on what I need.

When DD was super little last summer I was even jealous that he got to go mow the lawn...

I also agree with whoever said to just hand him the kid and tell him what you're doing.

Does your son still nap? Sometimes on the weekend I will get DD put down for her nap and then say "bye!" and leave for a couple of hours.

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