Women in my family rolling their eyes at my birth plan.

twinklepits · September 2014

Since high school, I've always had the desire for a natural water birth when the time came to have a baby. Fast forward 9 years, and we are expecting our first child.

I shared my birth plan (after being asked) with my mother, MIL, two sisters, and my cousin (a nurse), and have been met with sarcasm, eye rolling, and a lot of belittling. My cousin thinks it's ridiculous that I think an epi could hurt our chances of a successful latch our first time BFing. Even though all of the BFing books I have read say it's a common complication.

My sisters (who both have kids) both think a water birth is disgusting because "you're swimming in your own vag juice." and "WHAT IF YOU POOP IN THE WATER!? IT'S LIKE SWIMMING IN A TOILET!"

My mom seems ok with the water birth idea. She just spits out comments about how I won't be able to handle a natural birth.

My MIL was shocked...the look on her face was of disgust and doubt.

I'm just feeling VERY disheartened. Doubting my decision now. And, I know that if I can't handle it naturally, I'll be picked on and hearing "I told you so!" for the rest of my life from my sisters. Because, of course, at nearly 30 and 22 years old, they are super mature...

It makes me sad that the women who mean the most in my life can't offer any support. Feeling very low.

painttheair14 · September 2014

That is extremely frustrating! You are making an informed decision! I don't understand how women can be so negative about an awesome plan that you have!

Please don't let them discourage you! You are right about the risks of epidurals and are amazing for wanting natural birth!

MuchlyGen · September 2014

That's so frustrating when the people closest to you aren't able to look past their preconceived notions in order to support you.

I was fortunate that most of my immediate family were more of the "shut up with wide eyes of shock" brand, rather than the directly belittling the idea kind, but I did get so many comments from strangers... about /everything/. Homebirth, natural birth, water birth (though I didn't end up delivering in the water). Breastfeeding. Feeding on demand. Co-sleeping. People have their own ideas about everything and they always think they're right... but all too often their ideas are based on what they've been told, what they've seen on TV, and not the product of in depth research.

Trust yourself, trust your research, trust your instincts. You've got this, no matter what they think.

And maybe this makes me a very small person to think this way, but... imagine the deep and abiding satisfaction of having your birth the right way for you, and proving them all wrong.

These forums can provide such a support system. Reach out any time. I know I'm always willing to talk.

crystangel · September 2014

Don't let them discourage you like the PP's have said. This is your baby and your decision. Surround yourself with people that do support you. Hire a doula, and of course we are here to listen and support you as well.

Most of all, remember you are doing this for the good of your baby. Believe in yourself, you can do it!! Your body was made for this

painttheair14 · September 2014

Have you checked out the Birth Without Fear and Improving Birth websites? Good places to go when you're feeling discouraged.

shellybean3788 · September 2014

So... I can relate.

I'm pregnant with my first, and I have basically the same birth plan as you. Telling my family didn't go very well. My dad laughed. My sister cried. My mom also cried, and told me that I needn't ask her to go and watch me die; no, she would stay resolutely away and pray to God for mercy.

All I can say is, it takes nothing to follow the crowd, but it takes a great deal of courage to stand alone. You've done your research, and you know what's best for you and your baby. You've made your choice, now stand by it.

mb314 · September 2014

Less is more when sharing natural birth plans. There are always naysayers. Don't let them get you down. As long as your health care provider and your DH are on board with your choices, then can ignore what every one else says. I also wouldn't invite any naysayer into the labor room with you - you don't need someone pushing an epidural on you when you're vulnerable.

I quickly found when pregnant with DS that the less I said, the better. I got a lot of negative remarks, but honestly, it just made me that much more resolved to not ask for an epidural because I didn't want to prove them right. This time around, fewer people have asked because A) they know I already have had one natural birth and survived it and

I think people are just less curious the second time around. When asked I just say "I hope to have a natural birth. I had a great experience with DS's birth, and I hope that this birth is also free of complications."

MsMacual · September 2014

I agreee- just ignore them! It is hard, but you need to choose a plan that works for you, not them. They are projecting all of their hangups with their birth experiences and are not seeing that there are other ways to birth than the way that their OB suggests.

I did not do a water birth with my first (was med free, though) and I pooed all over the place- it is a very normal part of pushing and is a sign that you are pushing effectively. Giving birth is a messy process and I doubt you will care about the liquids coming out along with the baby!

jennypolkadots · September 2014

All I can tell you is that that is the way it is anytime you go against the grain. Choosing a dietary restriction, or choosing to home school your kids, or whatever it may be. Be prepared for judgement and this is just the beginning. Only you can decide what is right for your family and your body, and others are likely just uninformed about why you are making the choice you are.

It's sad that all of the women in your life seem to feel so dis-empowered about birth giving. There are complications and reasons to want or need medications, but it sounds like you are expecting a healthy baby and normal delivery. I am thankful that many women in my family have chosen natural birth and have all had beautiful stories to share. I actually have never met someone who had a natural birth and wish they didn't, but I can easily name a handful that had bad births due to interventions they believed were necessary (mainly induction or epidurals). I have also witnessed a pitocin/epi birth that went literally perfectly and the mama was so comfortable after the epidural so I see why people who have seen the effects of the epi think people are nuts who don't want it. Don't birth from a place of fear, but choose what option feels like the healthiest choice for you.

Make sure your care provider is a supporter of your plans. Make sure your partner is as on board as you are. Screw everyone else and gear up to tell them how amazing giving birth was after your natural delivery. None of these people need to be around when you are giving birth. Everyone's situation is different but for us it will only be my and DH, our midwives/assistants, and everyone else won't even know until the baby is here and safe. I can't imagine it any other way.

Not sure how far along you are but I would double check about water birth options. In my area no hospitals currently do them and the one that used to would not allow it for a first time birth. Birth centers are much better for supporting natural birth or you could do a home birth (with established midwives who carry meds) like we are planning. Just make sure you, your provider, and your birth place are all on the same page

jennypolkadots · September 2014

A friend of mine had this issue with family. How she dealt with it is asked those closest to her why they felt the way they do. And then educated them about the dangers they don't understand.

Most common one was that epidurals don't hurt the baby and only affect the mother. I know two different women (and I don't know many people really) who had emergency c-sections after the baby's heart rate dropped drastically after the epi and/or labor stalled. The epi and narcotics cross the placenta within minutes. I am refusing to even take schedule A drugs while pregnant, why would I plan on anesthesia so close to meeting my child? You can also share the fact that laboring on your back is the least effective position and usually the only one available with an epi. It also will require you to be catheterized and have a constant iv... not that you could move from the bed anyways. You can't feel when to push so pushing often takes longer and results in more forceps/vacuum deliveries or perinial tears in the mother. Women often feel lousy after giving birth with an epi as their bodies did not release the huge surge of oxytocin and other feel good hormones after the birth. Then the issue of breastfeeding a drugged baby if the epidural was given later in labor. And of course it means you have to deliver in a hospital and can plan to stay twice as long if you had anesthesia. With a totally natural birth most mothers can go home in 24 hours, more like 4-6 hours in a birth center. Most people just don't know these things so educating them about their specific concerns could really help. Of course, most deliveries with an epidural go off without a hitch and babies and mothers appear healthy and happy so also don't discount their bias and experiences.

Ultimately, it isn't their decision and it doesn't matter one bit what they think.

twinklepits · September 2014

You ladies are phenomenal! Thank you for giving me the support that I couldn't get from my family. My husband and I both agree that this is what we feel would be best for us, so no matter what they say, this is the plan we will stick with.
My mother insists on being in the room, but my dh and I both agree it's a very personal event that we would prefer to experience privately..... Waiting to call my family (when I go into labor) until the baby arrives is an intriguing idea.

MitoRachel · September 2014

amandastewart51813 said:

You ladies are phenomenal! Thank you for giving me the support that I couldn't get from my family. My husband and I both agree that this is what we feel would be best for us, so no matter what they say, this is the plan we will stick with. My mother insists on being in the room, but my dh and I both agree it's a very personal event that we would prefer to experience privately..... Waiting to call my family (when I go into labor) until the baby arrives is an intriguing idea.

We never call anyone until after the baby is born! Just say that things were intense and you guys didn't have the time. It has been the truth for me and dh!

drpayne · September 2014

There is no reason to share your birth plan with everyone in your family

twinklepits · September 2014

drpayne said:
There is no reason to share your birth plan with everyone in your family

I know. I hadn't planned on divulging unless they asked. They asked so I gave an honest answer. Silly me.

jennypolkadots · September 2014

@amandastewart51813 - Our biggest reasons for planning not to share when I go into labor are that I do not want anything distracting DH from being the supporter I need. I know our families and he will be getting calls and texts left and right asking for updates. It also puts a certain pressure on the mother to progress quickly and usually first births take a while. Also, waiting around when someone is in labor can be very anxiety provoking for family. Our other reason is because we want to have an hour or two or three or whatever to just cuddle our newborn and soak it all in before we have to share. Just the thought of this time together makes me teary eyed. When we decide it's time to share our exciting news, we have decided one a small group of people we will call or text and they can then disseminate the news for us. No need to make 50 phone calls when you are just trying to be in the moment. Also, if things somehow took a turn for the worst we would have some time to collect ourselves before having to deal with other people.

But I also recognize that we all envision different birth experiences. Some women want to have their family close by while pushing. Some want to have 20 people in the waiting room and don't care about the golden hour of bonding. Some do not have the close relationship that I have with my spouse or the friendship I have developed with our midwives. So it just depends on a lot but we are really happy with our plan and think it is a valid option for anyone who wants a more private experience.

JCWhitey · September 2014

Everyone has pretty much said everything I would. I just wanted to add that you will probably poop but midwifes are like poop ninjas! I was capturing a birth once and remembering thinking "wow, she didn't poop!". Then later I was looking at the pictures and she totally did, but the midwife scooped it up and out and cleaned the mother and I completely missed it. There was no poop in the tub from what I could see. So don't worry about that! It happens, they know it, they take care of it.

RMama2012 · September 2014

I knew I would get the same type of response based on things my family (except from my mom who had 4 unmedicated births) said on their own so I never talked about it. I said "we'll see" and left it alone. "Are you going to get the epi" is a stupid question to begin with because it all depends on how your birth goes even for people who want it from the beginning.

Just don't talk about it. I honestly think people take decisions other than their own as an insult. It even becomes difficult to explain your reasoning without feeling like your offending anyone.

There is a post like this on here every week at the least. Just don't talk about it. No one but DH needs to be in the room anyway.

mc0113 · September 2014

We also learned the hard way to just keep all information to ourselves. My brother, whose wife is due a month before me but having a scheduled c-section, actually said that I was "delusional" to think that I can have a natural/med-free birth. But whatever, I know I can do it and we are in Bradley Method classes right now to prepare. And actually since I know that people doubt me, it kinda gives me more motivation to prove them wrong. Lol

JCWhitey · September 2014

I actually disagree a bit with the idea that we shouldn't talk about it. I think the more people hear the term "natural birth" and know people who have done it the more people will be curious about it. I had naysayers (although mostly supporters, luckily), but the day after my son was born DH took a picture of me holding him while I was packing up my things to leave the hospital, and I got a ton of comments on how "put together" and "back to normal" I looked. One person even commented "I have to try this natural birth thing, I looked and felt like hell for three days after my birth!".

twinklepits · September 2014

Thanks, everyone

:x

kateslp · September 2014

I had a home birth with a very trained birth team (two midwives, doula, family, etc) and it was the most beautiful and big experience. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with your birth plan and you are trusting your instincts

AASykes · January 2015

I am currently researching my options for a natural birth. No one in my area offers classes in either the Bradley Method or Hypnobabies. Even the hypnobirthing teacher no longer offers classes. We have tons of midwives and doulas available so I was surprised. Regardless my husband is humoring my natural wishes so far but tells me he figures I'll be screaming and a mess. My mother tells me I'm crazy and there is no way I'm not having an epidural because that's just how it's done. My father the Doctor is handling it slightly better but just smiles and says "they can always give you an epidural or spinal if you change your mind" and "why would you prefer to tear? Get an episiotomy". I am going to look at the books that have been mentioned and continue to look at my options. I would prefer to do it without a Doula but as I'm going with an OB and not a midwife I may need to reconsider. I mentioned the word Doula to my mother and that opened another can of worms and eye rolling.

MommyAtty · January 2015

JCWhitey said:

I actually disagree a bit with the idea that we shouldn't talk about it. I think the more people hear the term "natural birth" and know people who have done it the more people will be curious about it. I had naysayers (although mostly supporters, luckily), but the day after my son was born DH took a picture of me holding him while I was packing up my things to leave the hospital, and I got a ton of comments on how "put together" and "back to normal" I looked. One person even commented "I have to try this natural birth thing, I looked and felt like hell for three days after my birth!".

I talk about it like crazy now that I've actually done it. Twice, in fact. But before I had done it? Oh heck no. I do agree though that after you've managed it, if you feel comfortable sharing, you should holler from the rooftops.

TBsquared · January 2015

you might as well try for the birth you want because if you give in to their idea of birth it sounds like they will be all "i told you so" anyways. Prove them wrong! This would be the perfect initiative for me to keep going!

kwal · January 2015

Change the script running through your head. This is your birth plan. Don't discuss your birth plan with those you know will be dismissive,negative,etc. Surround yourself with the positive( though books, online and in person conversations. Don't worry about what will happen or could happen. Just focus on relaxation and focus when you get distracted or stressed( by others or just life in general). That practice will help you when you are dealing with distraction and stress while in labor. If you are comfortable with it, I would also tell your family that their attitudes are saddening and stressing you. Maybe they could be more open minded about it if they knew that. You will do great as long as you are doing what you want/is best for you and your baby. Good luck!

janat1717 · January 2015

My DH and I really liked watching The Business of Being Born together (can rent on Amazon) It helped us stay positive in our choice. Would be good for others to watch to understand too I think.

BostonGayGal · February 2015

Do you think they would respond this way to anyone with this birth plan or is it more to do with what they feel they know about you?

WDDCH · February 2015

Oh goodness, where to start?! First my heart hurts for you that you were so excited to share this with these women and they let you down.

I agree that this is a great opportunity, especially as a role model to your other sisters, to enlighten them about safe birth. However there does come a time when you should put your foot down and not speak with them anymore and that is when they refuse to listen to sound reason and keep belittling you. You don't need that stress right now.

Don't give up. Don't shelf your birth plan. They don't understand because it's not conventional Western birth.

Make the best choices for you and your baby. Have that amazing, beautiful waterbirth! My fifth baby was my first homebirth and first waterbirth. My husband told me later he wished they'd all been like that.

Speaking of my husband he was very much like your family in regard to midwives and natural birth. Now he's the biggest supporter and wishes we'd done it all different from the start.

Don't make choices, because of these women, that you will later regret. You don't get a birth do-over with this baby. Stick to your plan.

WDDCH · February 2015

Well that's weird
This thread is from 2012 y'all.

Ravenhill · February 2015

If it is your dream to have a water birth you go for it!! I would LOVE to have a water birth but cannot find any place close enough

okieamy · February 2015

shellybean3788 said:
So... I can relate.

I'm pregnant with my first, and I have basically the same birth plan as you. Telling my family didn't go very well. My dad laughed. My sister cried. My mom also cried, and told me that I needn't ask her to go and watch me die; no, she would stay resolutely away and pray to God for mercy.

All I can say is, it takes nothing to follow the crowd, but it takes a great deal of courage to stand alone. You've done your research, and you know what's best for you and your baby. You've made your choice, now stand by it.

Oh wow! Your mom sounds a bit dramatic.

People are always going to have their opinions & many can be rude when sharing them. For instance, my dad showed complete disgust when we told him the boy name we were considering most. And I've had so many people be flabbergasted that we aren't finding out the gender beforehand. I get so many "well I just feel the need to plan ahead" as if I'm not planning at all & the baby's gender is essential knowledge to birthing a baby.

When people ask, and only when they ask, I just say I plan on using hypnobirthing methods & going drug free, but we'll see how things go.

Kitta+1 · March 2015

I sympathize here. I want a no-interventions natural birth, but everyone in my family is basically treating me like what I want doesn't count because I'm a FTM. I've been doing my research, I know what I want and what I think is best for me and baby! Somehow a lot of women seem to have forgotten that we've been giving birth for a looooong time sans medical hoo-haw, I think we've got this handled! lol

At the end of the day, remember you're the mamma and you're say is the one that counts the most!

elizalegs · March 2015

omg - so sorry to hear this! i say double down but press into groups like this that will support your decision. The next time they have something to say that's negative, just leave the room. They will get the message. also, it may have been said already but HIRE A DOULA. Seriously. I did not my first time around and I wish I would have. I counted on family support -which I totally had - but I can't imagine on how awful I would have felt to have that environment and no one on "my team".
What does your husband say? Maybe he needs to have a little chat with them too...

1dream0fbabyholmes · March 2015

I am newly pregnant, 5 weeks and 5 days, so I am still researching birthing plans and trying to figure out what feels best for me. (Hence taking a peak at this board). This post caught my eye because when I told my mom that I wasn't sure if I was going to have a natural birth she huffed and said, "Of course you are. Why wouldn't you have a natural birth?"

I am a planner and a researcher and I just don't have all the facts about everything yet. My mom had two children naturally in a hospital and my sister-in-law had her baby naturally at home with a doula. Both of them roll their eyes at me and try to make me feel like I'm a "weak woman" for not being 100% decided on having a natural birth. My husband's side of the family has been a relief because when I asked their opinion they said, "It's your body, your baby; you need to decide the best way for yourself." And that's the way I think it should be.

We are the only ones who can decide the best route and while people can inform us, I don't think they have the right to say we're being ridiculous or stupid one way or another. Whatever I decide, it's my choice. That being said, I wouldn't mind being pointed in the right direction for information on natural birth. I live in small town now that doesn't offer any natural birth classes. I've done a little reading, and watched several natural birth videos.

I wish everyone luck with their pregnancies and births!

elizalegs · March 2015

I'm sorry to hear they aren't being very sweet about it. As someone who is really passionate about natural birth and works as a health educator for a living, one of my favorite things about helping people on their health discovery is helping them own the information. You can't be passionate for someone else!! It is your body, your decision, and most importantly your process - you should be in charge of it.

I recommend reading books such as Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and pieces by Michel Odent - also I know a lot of people were helped by the film the Business of Being Born. If you decide it's not for you after doing your research, it will be a lot easier to navigate your family. Best of luck! and CONGRATS!!!

tralalablah · April 2015

I'm a huge baby about pain, but was able to have my daughter med-free at a birth center with a midwife. There were moments when I wanted to say *Take me to the hospital!* *Cut it out of me!* -- but what got me through was focusing on my breathing and I kept repeating the mantra that every contraction gets her closer to being here and the pain is just temporary. I must have mentally said that over a hundred times, but it worked. I labored in the water, but ended up using gravity to help sitting on a birthing stool.

Good luck!

jenjenbrassard · May 2015

I feel like our families are so similar. I originally wanted an epidural when DH and I found out we were expecting but after a few prenatal classes we had decided to go for a natural birth. When I told my parents and my sister they all laughed at me and said "Good luck, not with your pain tolerance!" Then the women at my baby shower asked if I was getting the epidural and when I said no I pretty much the same reaction. It was really discouraging and really made me doubt myself. It was actually DH's family that believed I could do it. And even though I DID ask for the epidural when I was finally admitted (after being sent home 3 times) my labour progressed too quickly from there and I ended up getting the natural delivery I'd been dreaming of those last couple months. And even if no one believes in my ability to do it again...I'm totally going to do it!

erashallbe · May 2015

My mother in law was a labor and delivery nurse for years. She would always tell me to NOT go into my birth with a birth plan because it will just set me up for failure. She was all for epidurals and nothing else.

Well, after we had our first boy and my husband mentioned that I gave birth naturally, she never said another thing about it. So I showed her, lovingly.

Sometimes we just have to persevere knowing that we're are the ONLY ones that can make the best decisions for ourselves and our children. If our loved ones can't support that, then it's their loss in the relationship, not yours.

TVargo01 · July 2015

I'm sorry they reacted that way. I think a lot of it is people feeling that your own decisions are a judgment on theirs. If you're saying you want a natural birth to someone who wants or got an epidural for their own birth, they feel like it's a judgment. It's the same with breastfeeding now how many women feel judged for doing it in public or for longer than 6 months.

When I was breastfeeding my first, I got a lot of judgment from my MIL who did not breastfeed. She was not supportive at all and both her and my FIL kept asking me how long I was going to breastfeed. I kept saying we were just going to see how it goes. When it got close to the 6 month mark, they both kept telling me how a work friend of my MIL breastfeed until 6 months. It was very awkward that they kept bringing it up and hinting I should stop! I finally told them it was going well and I saw no reason to stop anytime soon. To that my MIL retorted "You'll change your mind as soon as his teeth come in!" Looking back, I think there was a lot going on there that had nothing to do with me.

It was very hard that the people who are supposed to support you just don't but you have to do what feels right for you. I hope you had your water birth and everything went well! I would love to try it that way myself if I have another kid.

acciocoffee · July 2015

I've noticed that people who have had epidurals tend to get very defensive when you tell them you are going without one. My MIL has been insisting that I reconsider my natural birth since day one. Luckily, my mom actually had two drug-free births and is completely supportive of my decision. My husband is supportive of not having people poke around in my spine. Hah

MolassesMomma · July 2015

Definitely don't give up but be prepared for the doubts to enter your mind during the birth. My family wasn't completely unsupportive but I did feel pressure to perform, to prove that I could have my drug-free birth. It's totally normal to have doubts and it doesn't mean that you won't make it.

I ended up having a 29 hour totally drug-free amazingly awesome birth (my goal wasn't a water birth, my goal was to catch my baby and I DID!) but along the way I had my doubts, I was afraid I wouldn't make it, but I was never afraid of the process. I trusted birth, I trusted my body, and I found my way.

You can do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you want an epi, if you want a water birth, if you want to squat in the Walmart parking lot-it's your birth and you can do what you want to!

One thing that may help is mindfulness practice, getting into the habit of clearing your mind so if those doubts and pressures and naysayers enter your sphere while birthing you can more easily dismiss them

I wish for you a fabulous birth, however it turns out!

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