MIL Won't stop trying to guess the name. — The Bump
3rd Trimester

MIL Won't stop trying to guess the name.

My mother-in-law is very excited to meet her first grandchild, but seems almost angry that we are keeping the name a secret till she is born. My own mother hasn't bothered me about it even once. Every time I see the MIL, she starts rattling off her guesses, and when we tell her to stop she says, 'well since we don't know the name, we have to do SOMETHING!"  It's obnoxious and I can't stand being around her for even 10 minutes.  

In addition to this, she always says 'may I?' and puts her hand out because she wants to touch the baby bump.  She is already walking toward me when she does this, so how am I supposed to tell her it makes me extremely uncomfortable when people touch me?  At least she is asking, I know, but she's already assuming I'll say yes. I have NO patience and ZERO tolerance for her.

Anyone have an MIL more annoying than this?

Re: MIL Won't stop trying to guess the name.

  • I think you're rightfully annoyed. My MIL keeps saying that if we don't announce the name, someone is surely going to have a baby before me and "steal" the name.  I remind her that it's not like our son will be the first person ever to be named this, plus we do not know anyone who is currently pregnant who is close enough to us to care if they use the same name.  I'm sure my MIL isn't as horrible as my 38 week pregnant self makes her out to be, but she annoys me within minutes of being around her and at this point I think it's more important to avoid her and remain stress free rather than put up with her annoying/intrusive behavior.  Hopefully once baby comes she will chill out.
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  • bohemianlcbohemianlc member
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    edited August 2014
    Yes, people may be annoyed that you know your child's name and are not sharing it, but ultimately, that's your decision as a couple and they need to leave it alone, even if they think it's silly.

    With that said, I would just let it go but stay confident in your choice to keep the name private if that's what you want to do. I get that it's irritating, but I think most people have to deal with annoying comments from a MIL at some point or another, especially when it comes to grandkids. My MIL can get very intense at times, and I have learned to clearly explain my feelings to her once and then just leave it at that. If she continues to ramble on or bring something up repeatedly, I remind her that we've already talked about the issue and I need her to respect my decisions even if she disagrees with them, as I would do for her. I say it with a smile and then try to transition into a lighter subject matter to show her that I'm not angry but I do need her to allow me to be myself without dealing with criticism. 

    As for her touching your stomach, I agree with PPs that she seems to just be super excited about her grandchild. Also, she did ask and you told her that she could, so it's not really fair (IMO) to be frustrated with her if you gave her permission. If you feel like you just can't take it anymore, I would be honest next time and say that it's nothing personal but you are getting very uncomfortable with people touching your belly at this point in the pregnancy. 

    *Edited to fix typos

    [Deleted User]lesliegolemhjenni
  • So I disagree with most of the other posters. If you decided on a name and don't want to share it until the birth that's your choice. We made the mistake of telling my mom and MIL the name and MIL has not stopped trying to change our minds about it since so we just said to everyone else we are keeping it a surprise. People should be accepting of whatever you choose to do because it's your child.

    As for her always touching your belly. I have a MIL who cries anytime to do anything that even remotely upsets her and saying no she can't touch my belly would certainly start the water works. Luckily she hasn't asked because she knows I don't like being touched in general by people who are not DH. I would try to pretend you didn't hear or see her or grab her hand and give her a side hug instead. Idk but something to divert the belly touching is my best advice. Better yet, make DH talk to her since she's his mom and it's his job to deal with her. If very simply say you're hormonal and if he doesn't put an end to it what you say the next time it happen may not be very nice.

    whitney4126
  • I just told my MIL two names we considered, throwing in that they weren't on the short list.... and she said, 'thank god. they are horrible." Ironically, we are naming our DD after her, but she just doesn't know it yet.

    I totally understand not sharing your name, but "keeping it a secret" is probably where you lost your support here.
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    silverwings72amstevens78nofcksgiven
  • yeah I agree with whitney4126, if you're not okay lying to your whole family I think it's fine to say you have a name picked out, you're just not sharing it. However I would add a reason such as "we don't want other people's opinions on our name yet" or "we may change it so therefore we are not sharing at this time." We made the mistake of sharing our name with my MIL with my first pregnancy and she was very negative about it. So with this pregnancy we're just telling people "we have a name picked out but we're not sharing because we'd rather not get other opinions until we've decided and it could change." Surprisingly even my MIL was fine with that. My mother has guessed a little but nothing super annoying.

    My MIL annoys me within minutes too but we have a lot of unresolved issues. Is there other stuff that bothers you about her and this is just annoying/icing on the cake stuff? 

    The touching the bump thing sucks. I know some women (which is awesome) have no problem speaking up about it making them uncomfortable. I'm similar, it's hard to speak up for myself when I'm uncomfortable. I will say though if it truly makes you uncomfortable speak up now, because once the baby is here you'll have to advocate for yourself and her/him a lot so best to get comfortable speaking up now. There's nothing wrong with speaking up for yourself, but if you're not used to it I know it's awkward. Just a comment like "oh I'd rather you not," should suffice, if she turns it into a big issue like other posters said that's on her.


    silverwings72hjenni
  • hormones....making the silliest things annoying since the beginning of time. 

    Bliss+Berry[Deleted User]
  • I'm fully supportive of keeping the name a secret.  We did with DS1 and will do it again with DS2.  I frame it as, "in this day and age, there are so few surprises when people already know the sex.  We like to have the name be something new when the baby arrives.  Also, we may end up changing our minds when we see him.  You never know!"

    It drove my mother crazy that we didn't share the name - she grilled my sister for info because she was convinced she knew it (even though she didn't).  For my MIL, we told her we were naming him Gandolph - because DH and his brothers are huge Lord of the Rings fans.  She bought it for a while, but called our bluff - saying she was going to get monogrammed gifts for him, at which point, I had to tell her it wasn't Gandolph.  She was good natured about the joke. 

    But you're over-reacting.  Just ignore her.  Yes, it's annoying that she wants to know the name and is touching your belly, but she's just excited.  Let her be excited. 
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    hjenni
  • Totally your choice to keep the name a secret but I agree that you were inviting the constant guessing.  Throw her a decoy name, that should shut her up.  Or her son could say "Mom, it's not funny anymore, you're really annoying MrsKittens, please stop."

    Secondly, if you don't want anyone touching you, just back away, or turn away and say no.  You wouldn't let anyone touch your non-pregnant body without permission, would you?  Just put an end to it.

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    lesliegolem
  • @Bliss+Berry‌ I think what you're missing is that some of us don't like lying to everyone. I'm not going to lie and say "no we don't have a name yet" we have had one for weeks and our family knows but they also know that we are keeping it a surprise. Only one or two people have been annoyed. It's not attention whoring if you're not running around saying it to people without them asking. Attention whoring would be going up to people and saying "guess what? We picked a name but we're not telling" it's not asking for attention if you are simply responding to someone inquiry about the name with "yes, but we would like it to be a surprise"
    whitney4126CatsAreShady[Deleted User]hjenni
  • After briefly bringing up names with DD - and getting way too many opinions - we went with the line "we think we have a name, but we want to wait until we meet her to make it official."  I've known several families that thought they had the name 100% nailed down, only to change it in the hospital, so this isn't necessarily even a white lie.  Plus, having an excuse softens the blow.  

    Meanwhile, I don't really mind hearing suggestions for names - who knows, maybe you'll change your mind! - but if I were getting annoyed I might start throwing out completely ridiculous name ideas.  I remember we went through a period of telling everyone that we were naming DD Zelda. This made it funny rather than obnoxious to talk about names.  Generally, people started talking about terrible names they knew in real life (not that Zelda's a terrible name... in case anyone's choosing that!).

    As for touching the belly: If she's asking you "May I," you can certainly let her know "not now."  There are times when my bump's uncomfortable and I don't even want DH to touch it.  Of course, there are always those who do a sneak attack.  I had someone I hardly know kiss my bump with DD.  So weird!  I was frozen - I didn't know what to say in that moment!
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    [Deleted User]
  • There is nothing wrong with saying, "we have a name picked out but will not be announcing it until the birth of the LO. As we would like to keep it a surprise".

    Or you can use several other advice from the pp on this board as you got a lot of good advice.

    If people cannot accept that, then too bad. If it really bothers you that she is trying to guess. You both (you and your DH) need to step up and tell her that it is really bothering you.

    Otherwise people will continue to do what they are doing oblivious that it is annoying or bothersome to you. Since you never told them so. People are not mind readers.
    leela02[Deleted User]RachelCA29
  • I disagree with a lot of the PP's and their opinions on you not sharing LO's name. My DH & I are doing the same thing this time around because last time when we named our son Lucas (which is completely normal BTW) we got so many rude family members/friends telling us that they didn't like it and would suggest something different for us. This time around we don't care what anybody thinks and we plan on announcing our LO's name after she is born.

    Also my MIL sucks too, so my sympathy on that situation as well!
  • I disagree with a lot of the PP's and their opinions on you not sharing LO's name. My DH & I are doing the same thing this time around because last time when we named our son Lucas (which is completely normal BTW) we got so many rude family members/friends telling us that they didn't like it and would suggest something different for us. This time around we don't care what anybody thinks and we plan on announcing our LO's name after she is born. Also my MIL sucks too, so my sympathy on that situation as well!
    It seems like you sort of do care though based on the fact that you aren't telling people, you know?  I mean people have opinions and that's ok.  I seriously doubt you have loved every name others have used. 
    [Deleted User]Bliss+Berry[Deleted User]
  • Meery82 said:
    Some people aren't okay with lying to their whole family. We have had a name picked out since 16 weeks, and we have decided it to keep it just between me and DH until she's here. Personally, I would not be comfortable blatantly lying to everyone, telling them we weren't decided. To me, it's a personal decision and I've never been offended when others have said they aren't sharing. But, obviously everyone doesn't feel that way, and we have experienced some backlash from a few family members. But I would never consider it attention whoring. In fact, I think it's a little self-centered for people to feel so entitled to know. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
    Oh my god, no one fucking cares that much about your kid's name. GET OVER YOURSELF.
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    Bliss+Berry
  • Totally your choice to keep the name a secret but I agree that you were inviting the constant guessing.  Throw her a decoy name, that should shut her up.  Or her son could say "Mom, it's not funny anymore, you're really annoying MrsKittens, please stop."

    Secondly, if you don't want anyone touching you, just back away, or turn away and say no.  You wouldn't let anyone touch your non-pregnant body without permission, would you?  Just put an end to it.

    100% all of this. We didn't tell people the name we chose because we didn't want opinions on it. But we knew it was going to be a discussion anyway, so I kind of thought the constant "name game" of people trying to guess it was funny. There are thousands of baby names, it's not likely they will guess correctly. It's something to talk about beyond "how sore are your feet right now?"

    Also, I didn't want anyone touching my belly besides my husband. My mom was all over my SILs bump when she was pregnant so when I started showing I just told people directly I didn't like them touching my stomach. If you don't say anything you can't be upset when they do it.
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