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Tell people you don't want them in the delivery room :( HELP!

lissbrightlissbright member
in 3rd Trimester
I am 36 weeks pregnant with my first child (a boy). My in-laws haven't ASKED ME if they can be in the delivery room when I give birth, they have just invited themselves and stated they will be there like "Oh I can't wait to be there to see him born!"  Wait-who says I'm ok with that!? My husband is their only son, so this is the first and only grandson carrying on the family name, blablabla lol...But I don't want them in the delivery room. How do I tell them without offending them? I haven't said anything because I don't want to hurt their feelings, they're very lovely people and I'm very lucky to have them in my life...it's just I am a VERY independent person, I'd really rather be by myself. I've never had anyone want to be there for me (aside from my husband) so I'm used to doing things on my own no matter how hard they are. I'm also VERY private-I don't even wear bathing suits when I go to the beach. The last thing I want is to be on display for an audience, ya know? My in-laws are very lovely people and I've been around them a very long time (13+ years) but we are not close. They never really took the time to get to know me, so that close bond just isn't there. So how do I kindly tell them I don't want them in the delivery room? 


(Side note-no my family won't be there-I've had no contact with my parents for years, as they were very abusive. And my husband may not be there-he started a really good new job and if he misses a single day of work or is late to work once he will be fired regardless of the circumstances for the first 4months of employment. He has mentioned to his supervisor that I am pregnant and asked if there was an exception for the birth of his first child-there is no exception.) 
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Re: Tell people you don't want them in the delivery room :( HELP!

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  • MrsDLMrsDL member
    Don't lie (my H's cousin's wife just got caught in the "only one person in the delivery room" lie) - really there is no need for it.  I would just tell them you are so happy they are excited to be grandparents but it's a very personal experience and you are not comfortable having anybody there except your H.  They can be in the waiting room if they have to be there.  It's not a big deal and most people would understand this - if they don't too bad, they'll get over it.  A little extra time before they meet their grandson won't kill them. 
     
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  • harmonicbabe26harmonicbabe26 member
    Either straight out tell them or make tour H do it. And don't feel bad about that! I wouldn't want my PARENTS to see me push a kid out, not to mention in-laws! No way Jose!!!
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  • ashiscuteashiscute member
    Honestly, I would not want to be there alone.  

    Have you talked to them about it at all?  They might just be assuming because as you've said there might not be anyone else there and it's actually pretty common for lots of people to be in the room.  I'd just talk to YH about what you feel comfortable with and then the two of you can have that conversation with them together.  Personally, I had people visiting before the baby came and then when it came time to push I kicked people out.  I would check what your hospital's policies are and then then let them know your wishes.

    And I'd consider finding someone that you feel comfortable with being there for you.  Independent or not you will probably want someone there to at least bring you your chapstick or ipad or call the nurse for another popsicle.    
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  • lissbrightlissbright member
    Yea this part of my husbands job SUCKS, but the probationary period is 4 months, he's only 6 weeks in. So unless baby wants to hang in the womb a while longer lol, he will probably miss it. My husband isn't an only child-he does have a sister (who also invited herself into the delivery room), but everyone is making a huge deal out of this baby because its a grandson carrying on the family name. I know delivery is going to suck and be painful and uncomfortable and I'll be hating the world but if my husband can't be there, I can't think of anyone else I'd want in the room with me. They can't make me feel better, they can't take the discomfort away. As long as I have like a button thing for a nurse in case I feel worse or something, I think I'll be ok....
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  • lissbrightlissbright member
    lissydee said:
    just dont tell them when you go into labor.  Don't tell anyone for that matter.  Call after baby is on the outside and then tell them when visiting hours are.
    LOL that's actually not a bad idea...I think I'll tell my husband he needs to talk to them, and if it doesn't go well (like they freak out or take it super personally) then I'll do this and worry about it later. 
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  • TheaRaeTheaRae member
    I like the way you worded it already... I am a very private person and do not want to be on display. That is well said, bottom line its your body and your choice as to who is there. They cannot just barge in unless you say so. Just sit them down and let them know that you will not be having anyone present when you have the baby other than your husband and your sorry for any hurt feelings but that is just the way it is... they will have plenty of time to love up the baby after the fact. Good luck.
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  • lissbrightlissbright member
    526SadieSadie said:


    lissbright said:

    Yea this part of my husbands job SUCKS, but the probationary period is 4 months, he's only 6 weeks in. So unless baby wants to hang in the womb a while longer lol, he will probably miss it. My husband isn't an only child-he does have a sister (who also invited herself into the delivery room), but everyone is making a huge deal out of this baby because its a grandson carrying on the family name. I know delivery is going to suck and be painful and uncomfortable and I'll be hating the world but if my husband can't be there, I can't think of anyone else I'd want in the room with me. They can't make me feel better, they can't take the discomfort away. As long as I have like a button thing for a nurse in case I feel worse or something, I think I'll be ok....



    I would not want my in-laws for my SIL in delivery with me at all.  You can't have that many anyway, childbirth is not a spectator sport. 

    Has your DH asked his superiors about being out because you're giving birth?  No company is that heartless...that just sounds like a totally unreasonable thing.  Not everyone gets paternity leave but to not even let him out to witness the birth of his child?  I don't buy it.  Frankly, if that was a policy where MH worked, he'd tell them to fuck themselves, baby is more important.

    Yes he already asked, yes they are that heartless and he will lose his job. No hes not lying or making it up, i have spoke with someone who worked there for 40+ years, he confirmed it he has seen men fired on the spot during the probationary period for missing work due to births, deaths, graduations, car trouble. it is also spelled out in black and white in the employee handbook-I saw it with my own eyes. He can't share choice words with them because its a great job and we NEED this-good hours, good money, excellent benefits. It's life changing for us.

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  • mrsH1112mrsH1112 member
    I think the only thing you can do is just straight up tell them.  Share your feelings with you DH and the 2 of you can talk to your inlaws and just tell them that while you love them, this is a time when you really just want it to be yourself or you and your DH in the room.  Its important to you and you dont want them to feel bad or insulted but you just want them to respect your wishes.

    I had to tell my mom this a few months ago.  I told her she is allowed to visit and be there (she works at the hospital Im delivering at) but once I get to like 8cm's then she has to leave because I want it to be only my H and I in the room when he is born.  They are more than welcome to come back once we have our skin to skin time.  She took it hard but she understands.

    I will say this though...seeing your DH will probably not be there, if you have a good relationship with your inlaws, maybe you can consider letting them be there?  It might really help to have someone there for you helping you?
    DH and I Married 11.12.10
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  • str13str13 member
    I was all torn up about this. At my next OB appt I started crying and told him how stressed out I was. He told me that it was my delivery and I got to make those decisions. He told me just to tell my nurses or even make a list of visitors I would accept. He said the nurses did it all the time and know how to be delicate, that they wouldn't say, "sorry, you didn't make the list!" Lol
    It is definitely your delivery! As awkward as it might be, I'd just try to tell them. Talk to YH, they might take it better from him!
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  • shellybean3788shellybean3788 member
    **Lurking** My opinion: Birth is very personal. VERY. I think people will be more understanding than you give them credit for if you just sit them down and tell them kindly that you feel more comfortable delivering in a more private setting.
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  • js1002js1002 member
    The next time they make a comment like that, you just say "oh, haha, we can't wait for you to meet your grandson at the hospital, but nobody will be in the room other than me and (DH's name)."

    The end.  Your body, your pregnancy, your baby, your birth, what you say goes.  The end.No need for a conversation.
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  • lissbrightlissbright member
    I appreciate the answers :) I plan on talking to my husband about it, I know he won't give me a hard time about it. And it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way lol.
    @Connor425‌ yep he will be going into a union :) but their rules/restrictions during the probationary period are insane!! They basically just say "well if you don't do what we say, there's 50 guys behind you who would love to take your spot."
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  • poca1313poca1313 member
    Not sure what hours your SO works but here's to wishing LO decides to come when he is not working! As for in-laws, I agree with previous posters. Nurses are very good at turning people away nicely if you tell them. I had my mother and best friend in my room until it was time to push and my nurse nicely escorted them out. I had family come afterwards, once when I was trying to breastfeed with everything out, the next time I was on the toilet with my IVs still hooked up (couldn't just jump back in bed) and they were very good at keeping family out until I was ready. Now whenever I go to visit someone in the hospital I always ask the nurses to make sure they are ready for or want visitors because I know how it feels.
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  • RayRay007RayRay007 member
    Just be honest. They may be taken aback at first but I'm sure they'll come around. Explain your reasons in a calm and rational tone. My ILs assumed they'd be at the hospital when I was in labour/giving birth and would see the baby immediately after (DD was their first grandchild). We explained that there was really no need for them to sit around and twiddle their thumbs for hours at the hospital while I was in labour/delivering; I didn't need the distraction or added pressure; and that we wanted to spend the first couple hours as a new family, bonding and bf'ing and all that and that I didn't want my baby to be taken from me and passed around to a bunch of people as soon as she was born. That we'd probably let them know when we were in labour, and when she was born, and then when they were welcome to visit. They were very surprised but they came around. I tried to emphasize the part about them being bored and wasting their time waiting for labour and delivery - not so much "I don't want your there" but "why would you want to be there?". 
    Turns out we had an emergency c/s so nobody knew we were at the hospital or had given birth until a few hours after the fact. The ILs were at work so we just told them to come after work. That gave us about 8 hours after DD was born. 

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  • dreamystarrbabydreamystarrbaby member
    I had a similar situation with my first. My grandmother, my MIL, and all these other family members wanted to be in the room when DD1 was born. It was really frustrating because i had decided i ONLY wanted certain people in the room and no one else. And how do you say you don't want them there tactfully so you don't hurt anyone's feelings? 
    You cant.
    Someone is always going to be butthurt about it so i put it this way to everyone
    "I love you all dearly, but the only people who need to see MY vagaina and body are the doctors, my husband, myself, and my mother."
    I also told them that i wanted at least an hour with her before anyone else came to the hospital so we could bond and nurse and i could get cleaned up and situated. No they weren't happy about it, and for a couple weeks they acted all "woe is me" but its not about them. never was. the sooner you get it out there, the better. and if they pull the "well He's my grandchild!" card you can say the same thing "But it's MY body." end of story. if all else fails tell the nurses that you want NO ONE in the room besides your Husband. the nurses dont mind being bouncers :)  
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  • lissbrightlissbright member
    "If you weren't in the room when the baby was made you don't need to be in the room when the baby is born!!" 
    LOL i LOVE That hahahahaha :) You guys brought up some good points to add in my little speech...I didn't even think of that immediate bonding time after birth, breast feeding, and just recovering! I do want it to be just us for that point in time. The poor baby is going to be shocked enough leaving the womb and adjusting to everything without being passed around like a loaf of bread lol. 
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  • alanaw121alanaw121 member
    I had this same problem and very nicely said I don't want them in the room while in pushing. This of course resulted in my MIL crying but once I showed her the hospitals "golden hour" policy she was much nicer about it. They actually have a policy that for the first hour after birth only the mom, dad and siblings are allowed in the room. I would see if your hospital has something similar because it just might solve the problem for you.
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  • tbarker14tbarker14 member
    maybe I am weird, but in my family we were always taught that any birth is an important event in the parents lives. The only people that should be present are the parents (the new mother and father). Everyone else, the grandparents to be, aunts uncles to be etc must wait until the new parents extend the invitation for them to visit. 
    If they want to wait around at the hospital they are more than welcome to, but they do not bother the father to be, or mother to be. 

    Which is why whenever any of my friends or family goes into labour this issue is never an issue! However, lately I have been seeing very similar questions over and over again regarding the birthing room. "How to tell someone I don't want them there". 

    Frankly, I hate to be mean but... it is your baby, your body, your life. You get to control your own environment.  You get the final say. If you do not want certain people present, it is your choice. DO NOT give in and allow people to be around you that you don't really want in the first place. It will just make things awkward for you. 

    However, I must say it really sucks that your Husband would only be allowed to attend if he is not scheduled to work.... some people have suggested a Doula and if that is the route you would like to take then it may be a good idea.  But do not pick someone that you are not entirely comfortable with. 

    I'm a first time mom... and I refuse to have people around that are going to make things awkward or make me uncomfortable.  This is going to be a major event in our lives and it is also a special time for me with my new baby.  Not to sound mean but our parents had that moment with us when we were born.... they were not bombed with their parents insisting that they are in the rooms with them. Why should they do that with us? 

    Anyway, to the OP I hope all goes well for you and you are able to reach a decision based on what you want not what others want. I also hope the baby decides to come when dad is not at work so you both can share in this special event. 
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  • serenbachserenbach member
    I'm sure they think they're being nice and supportive by assuming that you wouldn't want to be alone and unless you explain to them then they won't think otherwise. Labour is a private thing that is not an open invite event, just explain to them that you're grateful for the support and would love them to be there... Outside. Get them to wait outside the delivery room or in the waiting room, they can come straight in once you've held and bonded with your baby and feel ready to see people, regardless of you carrying the family name down they shouldn't think it gives them the right to watch the birth.
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  • mrskittensmrskittens member
    I would never in a million years let my in-laws OR parents into the room.  Husband only!  Or a doula who has seen births a bunch of times before. How can that be comfortable when you're crotch is on display for all to see as you are pushing, possibly pooping on the table and bleeding? Doesn't sound conducive to a successful birth.  They SHOULD have common sense and know this, but I wouldn't be afraid to tell them straight up that they will not be allowed in there.  It's invasive and rude. 

    Your husband's new company, on the other hand, sounds like a horrible place to work if they can't be human enough to give your husband a day off to help you deliver a child. Unreal. Sort of sounds like something my boss would do :) Good luck!
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member

    Just lurking here - my DH is the world's WORST person to be around when it comes to any medical procedure. L&D with DD was rough because I had to spend more time managing him than focusing on myself and the task at hand, so when it came time for the second, I told him I'd call him after I got the epi - I kid you not, the time before the epi where I was alone with supportive nurses (I made it clear that I wasn't opposed to the full natural to fully medicated spectrum for L&D and would play it by ear as things progressed and what *I* wanted) was the most peaceful and relaxing time for me. It also helped ensure I had the angel choir singing for the epi too!  I also have IL's that are notorious for overstimulating the baby so I also get where you're at. 

    If you don't want anyone in L&D with you - it's YOUR call. YH needs to tell the IL's this - and that you'll call to let them know you're in L&D but they are not welcome to visit until baby is on the outside and you're settled into your recovery room (i.e. YOU have had a chance to shower/freshen up/get some good meds)..  Those first minutes of bonding are something so personal and important (there's something about that first initial eye contact that is amazing - even if at that second you're not thinking a million other things), and you aren't hosting a party here, you're giving birth!  Granted, at that moment you could care less if you were in a crowded movie theater, but it's YOUR moment, not your IL's moment! 

    As for YH's job, really ask the question "is this a good job or company to work for if they won't even make an exception for attending the delivery of one's own child."  Something tells me there's more to it that I'd question things including is this a company you want to be working for if they don't even make allowances for FMLA covered times.  I can't think of a circumstance that this'd be a good company to be with - really... 

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  • str13str13 member
    Meery82 said:

    I just can't fathom that people would be so selfish to expect to be in the delivery room and actually cry about it and act like babies. Like a MTB doesn't have enough going on. Now she has to worry about hurting some asshole relative's feelings. Ugh. 


    Ok, rant over. Good luck, OP. Stand your ground and tell them NO. And here's hoping that baby doesn't come during work hours!
    This! I only had people hint at wanting to be in the room, and I just told DH that is NOT happening. Once they realized we weren't jumping on board, they stopped hinting. I did have asshole ILs that stood in the waiting room asking when they could see DD because they had a baseball game to go see. I caved while trying to breastfeed, THIS will NOT happened again. Point is like PP have been saying its your birth, you decide! :) I also like the idea of a doula if you wanted, it might be nice to have a helping hand available, but again it's your birth. I'm a nurse and any decent one would take good care of you being that YH could be there.
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  • KochavKatanKochavKatan member

    That really sucks that your hubby cannot be there. Have you thought of getting a doula to help you through the birth?

    I agree with waiting to let them know once the baby has been born and they can visit in the hospital.

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  • mkw1013mkw1013 member
    I assume my parents and IL's will be in and out of the room when i labor. maybe. I told both sets i will see how it goes and see how i feel if i want people there or not. Im sure the moms will be in and out and my ML will be taking care of my husband (making sure he has eaten and such...which i think she should and am fine with) But as a first time mom i have no idea how it will go or how i will feel but i want the support of my family there. But not when i push! no way. I think that is a bonding time between my husband and myself and i cant even imaging someone just telling me they are going to be there at such an intimate time.
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  • GeminiJordanGeminiJordan member
    There is no way my husband would miss the birth of either of his children, even if he was making a million dollars a year he would tell his boss to shove it and quit. I can't imagine a boss who would fire someone over missing work to witness their child being born, it's the most beautiful thing in the world and only happens once. Plus I'm pretty sure it's illegal on his employers part...

    As far as your in laws go uh yeah I would not be ok with them seeing what my vagina looks like. You can either not tell them when you go into labor or be straight up with them.
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  • Cat&SCat&S member
    Stand your ground, OP, and do what makes you comfortable. Even if your ILs get mad over you not having them in the room, I'm sure they'll get over it quickly once the baby is born.

    I will say, they might not have a realistic idea of what goes on during a birth. My FIL apparently thought that everything would be covered (??? no idea where he got this idea, but my MIL had c/s with both her kids, so maybe he genuinely didn't know?) and he didn't understand why they couldn't be in the room. DH was more than happy to be the bad guy, and even though he and MIL were a little miffed they weren't in the room, it's not a big deal. I just had DH; my own mom was fine with staying in the waiting room.


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  • GeminiJordanGeminiJordan member
    ashiscute said:


    GeminiJordan said:

    There is no way my husband would miss the birth of either of his children, even if he was making a million dollars a year he would tell his boss to shove it and quit. I can't imagine a boss who would fire someone over missing work to witness their child being born, it's the most beautiful thing in the world and only happens once. Plus I'm pretty sure it's illegal on his employers part...

    As far as your in laws go uh yeah I would not be ok with them seeing what my vagina looks like. You can either not tell them when you go into labor or be straight up with them.

    Why would you be pretty sure of that?  He is probably on a probationary period and not a full employee.  We do not have maternity or paternity leave in this country.  It's unlikely that there is a law requiring employees to miss work to witness their children being born.  My brother works for the post office and he went through a 90 day probation period where he was not allowed to be late or miss work.  Even now having worked there 11 years they are still shitty about taking time off.  And he is a federal employee.  

    And I thought your comments about your husband quitting his job to be with you were shitty.  Obviously, OP is upset about this but this is a job that they need.  Most people aren't so cavalier about their careers or their livelihood.  


    Look I didn't mean to make anyone get all over dramatic and butt hurt by my comment. I was trying to explain to the OP that her DH's boss should have heart enough to let DH not miss the birth of his first child. I believe there is even a law that protects your job if you choose to take 12 weeks off work, unpaid of course. I sympathize for the OP about her DH's companies probation rules my DH is in a union I know all about it, if he misses 1 day of school we get fined $1,000 dollars but I don't know any boss of his that would ever punish him for missing 1 day of work to see his child being born.

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  • RedBaramidRedBaramid member
    PP's have given you some great advice.  I know personally that DH and I are keeping tight lipped about when I go into labor so we don't have a pack of wolves in the waiting room. We've got family who are trying to disrespect our wishes already and we plan to set the tone from the get go that this is OUR family and we will run it the way we choose. We've already decided that if we even find out someone's in the waiting room we'll have nurses ask them to leave, and DH won't even go out to the waiting room to see them himself. The only people allowed at the hospital before I hit recovery is my mother and MIL, and they are only allowed if DH needs a break or I go in for a c section. We also plan on having the nurses tell all our visitors there is a time limit on how long they can visit me in recovery so we don't have grandmothers sitting in my room for hours expecting me to entertain them/stealing my newborn from me.

    Also, FX that you get lucky and strike timing gold and your husband doesn't miss the birth if your first child.  I'm in a similar situation with mine right now, fortunately for me he'll be allowed to miss/leave for the birth/while I labor, but he'll be expected to report back to work the next day or that evening if I give birth on his off hours.
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  • Rickaroo922Rickaroo922 member
    I basically said that the only people allowed in the room where the guy who put him in and the guy.taking him out.
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