Is this sketchy or am I just insecure

starchildsiesie · August 2014

Ok, so I know I have some insecurities (body,worth , emotional ) so I want a second opinion on the situation .
My fiancé is wonderful to me or at least I think so ( only had one other long term relationship and he was abusive) but I have this feeling that something is off ,we took a break in March/ April for a few weeks and then mended our relationship in that time we saw other people. He saw his best friend and I saw my ex , I always though they had something which he said was friendship / brotherly love until then ...
When I found out they slept together it crushed me because I didn't sleep with my ex or really even want to.
I tye strong love with sex so I feel they must have been deeply in love . He left her because he wanted to be a family and loved me more ( there was about 2 weeks of cheating (him cheating on her) ) that made me so self conscience .

Long story short we've been back together awhile and they're friends. But his ringtone for her is a love song , one I sent/sang to him . They are so close sometimes I feel less important and like he's hiding somethin

starchildsiesie · August 2014

But i feel bad when we discuss it because he needs her (as a friend) and she has emotional issues ( anxiety and depression ) similar to me . So he is her go to person

flcl · August 2014

aditigirl said:

But i feel bad when we discuss it because he needs her (as a friend) and she has emotional issues ( anxiety and depression ) similar to me . So he is her go to person
This may sound harsh, but that's not your problem. It's inappropriate for them to be carrying on given their history. You will never fully trust him with her. Is that what you want out of a marriage?

This x2. I really couldn't have said it better myself. Their friendship at this point is completely inappropriate.

trebekastan · August 2014

Sounds like there are some co-dependency issues going on in all facets of your relationship. You appear to put yourself on the back burner to keep this guy no matter how insufficiently he is meeting your needs. The fact that you rely on him to meet those needs is also a problem. She appears to be dependent on him also and he obviously gets off on this or he would have no problem severing ties with her.

My first recommendation would be not to marry this guy, but seeing as how you are already having a kid with him, that point is now moot. I wish you good luck with this, but I don't see it ending well for you or the baby.

silverwings72 · August 2014

Boundaries. He needs them. There is nothing healthy about any of this. If my fiancé were friends with a woman he slept with and then said he "needs" to support her because she has issues, there would be hell to pay. Like a full on war in my household. She doesn't need him, she needs a therapist.

If he can't respect the fact that their relationship is inappropriate, then I would take a step back and reevaluate whether he truly loves you. It would also give me a clue as to how important your relationship is to him. Good luck.

allrightmeow · August 2014

bumpuser10199668 · August 2014

I don't understand. He sounds like a jackass, but that is out of your control. As much as we would like to, we are incapable of controlling anyone's behavior but our own. Your decision to use your 'break' as a time to see your ex speaks volumes about you and your real desires in your relationship with your fiance. If he was truly someone you felt was a good choice for a life partner then you would have had no need to go explore a previous relationship.....you did this because you have codependency issues and the idea of being alone is more terrifying than the idea of being with someone who is abusive. You need to check yourself and get your own shit in order before you even consider being someone's wife, regardless of their behaviors.

With a baby on the way, and presumably soon, you don't have time to constantly be wondering about your fiance. You need to get yourself figured out in order to be the best mom that you can be. When you can love yourself on your own, then I would revisit the idea of marriage.

...just my 2 cents.

starchildsiesie · August 2014

Thank you all for your advice, I'm trying to figure out how to discuss this with him now. I just don't want to hurt him ( or her hurt herself ) because of me being selfish

MrsLaLaBug · August 2014

Why the hell would you think this situation was anything BUT sketchy? This dude is your fiancé and he slept with another woman while y'all were still engaged?? Child, bye. I feel really sorry for your upcoming marriage if he thinks that is acceptable behavior.

flcl · August 2014

starchildsiesie said:

Thank you all for your advice, I'm trying to figure out how to discuss this with him now. I just don't want to hurt him ( or her hurt herself ) because of me being selfish

If this is how you feel you are being, there is nothing a bunch of internet strangers can say to you to convince you otherwise. As PPs have mentioned, I also encourage you to seek counseling. I understand how difficult a position you feel you are in, I, too, have struggled most of my life with depression. No matter how bad you feel for this other woman, it is time that you stop accepting responsibility for behaviors and actions of other people.

You need to tell your fiancé that you have something important to talk to him about. You feel that his friendship with this woman (go-to person or not) is detrimental to your relationship, that if he were to continue being there for her, you don't think that you can be there for him. If you fiancé can't understand and put your needs before hers now, he's not going to any time in the future regardless of marriage, children, etc.

2goingon3 · August 2014

I'm still confused about why on earth you would go back to your abusive ex while pregnant? I'm also confused about how this man is your fiancée, and father of your child, and yet you say that he cheated on his best friend for 2 weeks with YOU? It would be the other way around.

1) Counseling for you should be your number one priority; you cannot love someone else until you love yourself first, and your actions, as well as how you feel about his actions, show that you do not.

2) Marriage with this guy should not be on the table. Seems like he has his own issues stemming from a need to be needed by women in his life and the fact that he's not stopping seeing his friend now that he's back with you shows that he is selfish.

If you choose to get mentally and emotionally healthy before you jump back into a serious relationship (which I hope you do), then you're going to need to figure out a way to co-parent until you're ready to make that decision.

Best of luck.

Is this sketchy or am I just insecure

Re: Is this sketchy or am I just insecure

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