Need Serious Advice NTTGPR

KatzKiss · August 2014

I know most of you know I've been a recovering alcoholic for 10+ years. There was a woman who came here from Boston that started coming to AA meetings. She is a "recovering" alcoholic and drug addict-heroin and meth. She's really tough and opinionated on topics that I don't agree with. She's also incredibly racist. But our policy in AA is that we accept all addicts without judgement. So I always always nice to her and I'm probably the only person she ever opened up to. I'm pretty sure she is using again because she posts these long nonsensical posts on FB about how Obama is the devil, the rapture is coming, has fights with her family members openly. For everyone to read, and a lot of other craziness. She just sent me a message telling me that I was the sweetest southern girl she met when she was here and asked if it would be ok with my husband if she came to visit and stay with us. I'm really bad at saying no and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want her anywhere near my family. I need advice on how to respond without sounding like a total dick. Help!

Carebear7777 · August 2014

I think you have two routes. You can go non-committal & come up with excuses when it comes down to specifics or tell her something like you and your husband have an agreement of some sort. Like no house guests who aren't family, or who are early in their recovery. I would probably be inclined to say something vague like maybe one day, we'll see. And then say no when pushed.

Belou52579 · August 2014

Oh boy Katz...that's a tough one. I'm not entirely familiar with AA and the structure-do you have sponsors? Does she have one? If so, I'd ask her to speak with that person regarding a safe place for herself and explain that its would not be healthy for your family dynamic to stay with you. I'd personally be very nervous about my own health around someone who could potentially influence me into reusing.

Let us know what you end up doing-good luck!

KatzKiss · August 2014

PenguinMG said:

I'm pretty good at saying no, but that is a tough situation. Would your husband say yes? Is it not an option to tell her he's not ok with a stranger in the house?

And because Friends

My husband would go along with anything but I guess I could still use it as an excuse!

nandaboob06 · August 2014

What @Belou52579‌ said.

KatzKiss · August 2014

MeatandBandP said:

I'm pretty good at saying no, but that is a tough situation. Would your husband say yes? Is it not an option to tell her he's not ok with a stranger in the house?

And because Friends
Saying your husband is no ok with strangers in the house is a good idea. Do you think she's actually thinking about coming or is she just high/drunk and sending random messages?

I thought about that, but if I say yes just assuming that she won't remember and the she does remember, I'm screwed.

KatzKiss · August 2014

Belou52579 said:

Oh boy Katz...that's a tough one. I'm not entirely familiar with AA and the structure-do you have sponsors? Does she have one? If so, I'd ask her to speak with that person regarding a safe place for herself and explain that its would not be healthy for your family dynamic to stay with you. I'd personally be very nervous about my own health around someone who could potentially influence me into reusing.

Let us know what you end up doing-good luck!

I have a sponsor. She does not. She doesn't go to meetings anymore. You can't stay sober without going to meetings. It's like a diabetic not taking their insulin.

KatzKiss · August 2014

I thought about telling her we weren't in the house right now because it's under construction. We're staying at my inlaws which we actually did but we're back now. I hate lying, but in think it might be warranted here.

KatzKiss · August 2014

kariann12 said:

Ask what weekend/date it is. When she responds tell her you're out of town, or your in-laws are visiting, or you'll be out of town that week for work. Or you're in the process of a home-remodel.

But if she has no set date, then those won't work. That sucks man, I'm sorry she put you in that situation. Good luck.

Yeah. She didn't give me a date so I can't use an excuse that would be I can't then because of this.

iLoveMyPups · August 2014

If you are never going to see her.. Honesty may be the best policy. Maybe point out of the fact that she doesn't go to meetings and doesn't have a sponsor and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Possibly encourage her to get help again.

Belou52579 · August 2014

KatzKiss said:

Belou52579 said:

Oh boy Katz...that's a tough one. I'm not entirely familiar with AA and the structure-do you have sponsors? Does she have one? If so, I'd ask her to speak with that person regarding a safe place for herself and explain that its would not be healthy for your family dynamic to stay with you. I'd personally be very nervous about my own health around someone who could potentially influence me into reusing.

Let us know what you end up doing-good luck!

I have a sponsor. She does not. She doesn't go to meetings anymore. You can't stay sober without going to meetings. It's like a diabetic not taking their insulin.

Then this should be the nail in the coffin for you-she's not sober. I'd be brutally honest with her-maybe that would be force her to face her own issues.

KatzKiss · August 2014

iLoveMyPups said:

If you are never going to see her.. Honesty may be the best policy. Maybe point out of the fact that she doesn't go to meetings and doesn't have a sponsor and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Possibly encourage her to get help again.

That's a good one. I mean it would be hard for me but at least it might give her a little push in the right direction.

holliberry28 · August 2014

Can you say that you had family come live with you and there's not enough space for her?

iLoveMyPups · August 2014

KatzKiss said:

iLoveMyPups said:

If you are never going to see her.. Honesty may be the best policy. Maybe point out of the fact that she doesn't go to meetings and doesn't have a sponsor and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Possibly encourage her to get help again.

That's a good one. I mean it would be hard for me but at least it might give her a little push in the right direction.

****Stuck In Box ****

Thank you. I mean look at the big picture, what if you say yes.. she comes... and starts drinking in front of you, or even worse.. she's in your spare bedroom doing various drugs. God forbid if she OD's in there. That would be terrible & a damn nightmare. She obviously doesn't care about her sobriety so why would she respect yours? I hope you work all this out.
Also would just like to say, even though I don't know you, I am very happy to hear you have been sober for 10+years and that is a wonderful thing. You are a very very strong woman!

Carebear7777 · August 2014

@joy26 is so right. I also want to know if she knows where you live. I never tell someone I don't trust who knows where I live that I will not be home.

KatzKiss · August 2014

Carebear7777 said:

@joy26 is so right. I also want to know if she knows where you live. I never tell someone I don't trust who knows where I live that I will not be home.

No.,she doesn't know where I live thank god.

virginiaorjohn · August 2014

It is terrible when you are put in positions like this. I agree with you, it's definitely best not to have her anywhere near your family since it appears she's not in a good place with her addictions.

I use my husband as an excuse all the time (as @bibliothecary‌ said, that's what they're for) so that's a good route. If you feel like you would rather say you're still at your in-laws, just make sure she doesn't have any way of knowing where you live (assuming you haven't exchanged addresses or anything.) You don't want to get caught in a lie.

I also hate confrontation, but in this case I might be more inclined to be straight and firm with her. As PP have said, "I'm sorry, we just can't have guests at this time. Let me help you find a hotel and we can meet for coffee while you're in town." If she persists, just repeat that you're not able to accept guests. You don't have to give reasons. She'll get it eventually. Maybe even invite her to go to a meeting with you?

Carebear7777 · August 2014

AA may say accept without judgment but it doesn't say invite trouble in

KatzKiss · August 2014

Ok. I did it. This is what I said. I wish I could have you come stay with us but since you're not going to meetings or have a sponsor, I just can't. I love you dearly but I need to protect my own sobriety. You are welcome to call me anytime though. I'm here for you day or night.

KatzKiss · August 2014

Thanks @iLoveMyPups‌! You're very sweet.

KatzKiss · August 2014

My sponsor will be proud. She's always trying to get me to say no. It's a real issue for me. It took me six months of Jahovahs Witnesses coming over before she finally convinced me to send them away.

holliberry28 · August 2014

@KatzKiss, I think you handled it really well. It's important to be able to say no and it sounds like you're one step closer to being more comfortable with it.

mosdub · August 2014

1st: I did not know you were a recovering alcoholic - Congratulations on 10 years! I have a lot of respect for that.

2nd: I've had my own share of these kinds of advances - it is so hard when you don't want to be another person in someone's life saying no but you gotta go with your gut!

3rd: I think responding any way you want is fine, as long as it's not directed at her, or in any way could be perceived by her to be a slight - especially as internet communication can be read in many ways. For example, saying "My husband won't allow strangers to stay over" might be upsetting because you'd be round-a-bout calling her a stranger when maybe she felt a strong connection.

Good luck, and congrats on your own recovery!

iLoveMyPups · August 2014

@KatzKiss I think you handled it well. You were truthful. This way if she ever contacts you in the future you don't have to relive some lie and end up looking like a fool if you forgot what you told her.

Cythe · August 2014

Okay, I'm coming in really late here but I wanted to say congrats on 10+ years and also I think you handled the situation well. When dealing with any addiction that isn't yours (or your families) you need to be careful of what you expose your family to. Well done on being supportive and protective.

KatzKiss · August 2014

If she responds, I'm not going to read it. She has a bad temper and is likely to say something hurtful. I don't need to hear that.

mosdub · August 2014

KatzKiss said:

Ok. I did it. This is what I said. I wish I could have you come stay with us but since you're not going to meetings or have a sponsor, I just can't. I love you dearly but I need to protect my own sobriety. You are welcome to call me anytime though. I'm here for you day or night.

Whoops - didn't see this until now!

I think that was a very elegant and compassionate response. Nicely done.

FlamingoBull · August 2014

Oh that is a tough one! I wouldn't use any excuse that she can catch you out on if you are on each other's Facebook. I think the husband one is a good excuse, or even saying that things are a bit hectic with a toddler/renovations/work schedules and it's not feasible at the moment.

virginiaorjohn · August 2014

KatzKiss said:

Ok. I did it. This is what I said. I wish I could have you come stay with us but since you're not going to meetings or have a sponsor, I just can't. I love you dearly but I need to protect my own sobriety. You are welcome to call me anytime though. I'm here for you day or night.

Amazing. I know that must have been tough, but way to be strong. I hope she responds positively, but if she doesn't, try not to let it get to you!

KatzKiss · August 2014

Thanks ladies. I honestly wouldn't have gone that route before getting your advice. ((Big Hugs)) for talking me through that!

maggie515 · August 2014

DarcyHermione said:
This way your not needing to make something up. I think what @DarcyHermione‌ said is pretty good.
I'm sorry, but at this time we are unavailable to have overnight guests. Let me know if I can find you a hotel nearby.

Or if you don't want her to visit at all:

I'm sorry, but we are really busy right now and can't really have someone stay over to visit. Perhaps some time in the future would be better.

KatzKiss · August 2014

Ha! Ok. This was her response. that's pretty fucked up on your part for saying that so you can kindly unfriend me i have been doing just fine with church but no one is going to sit here and tell me im not sober because i don't go to meeting i voulinteer at the church i am there tues wend Friday sat n sunday there is no other higher sponcer then my pastor and no higher meeting then meeting with jesus!!!!!!wow lol you are a southerner for sure but im surprised you would not be more involved with having a personal relationship with your pastor if i feel like using i call him day or night and the feeling church gives you is way more powerful then meetings any meeting combined so to mess up ur sobritity you would mess up mine by telling me every min to go to a meeting so there for choosing meetings over god he says any problem come to him he don't say go to an aa meeting lol im sorry if im coming off rude but that was insulting for you to say!!!

iLoveMyPups · August 2014

KatzKiss said:

Ha! Ok. This was her response. that's pretty fucked up on your part for saying that so you can kindly unfriend me i have been doing just fine with church but no one is going to sit here and tell me im not sober because i don't go to meeting i voulinteer at the church i am there tues wend Friday sat n sunday there is no other higher sponcer then my pastor and no higher meeting then meeting with jesus!!!!!!wow lol you are a southerner for sure but im surprised you would not be more involved with having a personal relationship with your pastor if i feel like using i call him day or night and the feeling church gives you is way more powerful then meetings any meeting combined so to mess up ur sobritity you would mess up mine by telling me every min to go to a meeting so there for choosing meetings over god he says any problem come to him he don't say go to an aa meeting lol im sorry if im coming off rude but that was insulting for you to say!!!

Clearly her thoughts are all running together.. which could mean she is using.. or perhaps she just needs a dictionary.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but maybe unfriending her is a good idea??

KatzKiss · August 2014

This was my response. I'm sorry you feel that way. Whatever God a person chooses is with them at every meeting. Spirituality is a big part of AA. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the best of luck.

KatzKiss · August 2014

iLoveMyPups said:

KatzKiss said:

Ha! Ok. This was her response. that's pretty fucked up on your part for saying that so you can kindly unfriend me i have been doing just fine with church but no one is going to sit here and tell me im not sober because i don't go to meeting i voulinteer at the church i am there tues wend Friday sat n sunday there is no other higher sponcer then my pastor and no higher meeting then meeting with jesus!!!!!!wow lol you are a southerner for sure but im surprised you would not be more involved with having a personal relationship with your pastor if i feel like using i call him day or night and the feeling church gives you is way more powerful then meetings any meeting combined so to mess up ur sobritity you would mess up mine by telling me every min to go to a meeting so there for choosing meetings over god he says any problem come to him he don't say go to an aa meeting lol im sorry if im coming off rude but that was insulting for you to say!!!

Clearly her thoughts are all running together.. which could mean she is using.. or perhaps she just needs a dictionary.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but maybe unfriending her is a good idea??

Yeah. I think I will.

KatzKiss · August 2014

And now to end on a happy note. I give you all a cat meme.

virginiaorjohn · August 2014

Oh, @KatzKiss‌, that sucks. I still think you did the right thing, though. I can't help but wonder what she would be like in your house if she writes emails like that!

In other words: I side eye people who don't use spellcheck or proper grammar.

Cythe · August 2014

I agree that you did the right thing! I'm sorry that's how she chose to respond, but you need to worry about you. She strikes me as a taker and never a giver, she'd just keep taking until you did this.

Belou52579 · August 2014

Maybe her pastor can give her a place to stay then.

She's definitely not right, I'd question her sobriety after a response that vulgar.

KatzKiss · August 2014

bibliothecary said:

KatzKiss said:

Ha! Ok. This was her response. that's pretty fucked up on your part for saying that so you can kindly unfriend me i have been doing just fine with church but no one is going to sit here and tell me im not sober because i don't go to meeting i voulinteer at the church i am there tues wend Friday sat n sunday there is no other higher sponcer then my pastor and no higher meeting then meeting with jesus!!!!!!wow lol you are a southerner for sure but im surprised you would not be more involved with having a personal relationship with your pastor if i feel like using i call him day or night and the feeling church gives you is way more powerful then meetings any meeting combined so to mess up ur sobritity you would mess up mine by telling me every min to go to a meeting so there for choosing meetings over god he says any problem come to him he don't say go to an aa meeting lol im sorry if im coming off rude but that was insulting for you to say!!!

Wow. you could shake a box of scrabble tiles, throw it at the wall, and what landed on the floor would make more sense. Time to cut this chick loose.

This made me lol. All her posts are like that. It's the result of little education. She dropped out of school when she was sixteen. But I'm pretty sure you have basic spelling and punctuation down by then. So yeah, drugs.

KatzKiss · August 2014

Belou52579 said:

Maybe her pastor can give her a place to stay then. She's definitely not right, I'd question her sobriety after a response that vulgar.

I'm questioning her "Christianity" after a response like that too!

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