Intro and wondering when enough's enough- when do we stop

Mishelle62 · August 2014

Hi, I have been on and off the bump for years now. Our DS is turning 4 in a month and it has been exactly two years and four months of secondary infertility hell.

I've experienced two chemical pregnancies, one blighted ovum with a D&C. I got pregnant with DS fairly quickly and I cant seem to wrap my head around not being able to get pregnant and stay pregnant again. I am only 32 if that matters.

We've done two IUI's and have two failed PGS tested IVF rounds. (One FET). My doc says PGS tested embryos (in her practice) have a 94% implantation success rate. She says shes shocked and has no answers for me. We are unexplained secondary IF. Her only suggestion at this point (we've already done two procedures to check out whats going on with my lining) is to do it again (cant remember what its called). This time medicated as I would be during an FET.

I guess my questions is when is enough enough? Have any of you come close to giving up hope? I feel desperate and I hate the feeling. Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

lawmom747 · August 2014

I was really down in the dumps after we used our last embryos for the failed FET cycle in March (after loss of the twins last year). But I have renewed hope and I am determined to give DD a sibling if at all possible.

I think many of the people on this board have felt the way you do. But it is an individual decision - only you will know when to say when. In the meantime - ((hugs))

Mishelle62 · August 2014

Thanks hoppin747, I'm so sorry for your losses. And thank you for replying, I feel so alone in this, none of my friends or family have any idea how hard its been and what it feels like.

MoFree · August 2014

I'm sorry for your losses and the hell you have been through. To answer your question, I think your heart will tell you when it's time to stop treatments and focus on making peace with your family size.

Mishelle62 · August 2014

MoFree said:

I'm sorry for your losses and the hell you have been through. To answer your question, I think your heart will tell you when it's time to stop treatments and focus on making peace with your family size.

I keep telling myself I'll know and DH will know deep down when its time to stop, that our mental and emotional state will finally be able to move on.

But, my worst, absolute worst fear is that I never move forward and always hold this heavy feeling of 2IF and that DH and I will never feel the happiness we used to feel. I am so scared of that..what if this affects our DS and I become bitter and angry, that scares me.

MoFree · August 2014

Mishelle62 said:

MoFree said:

I'm sorry for your losses and the hell you have been through. To answer your question, I think your heart will tell you when it's time to stop treatments and focus on making peace with your family size.

I keep telling myself I'll know and DH will know deep down when its time to stop, that our mental and emotional state will finally be able to move on.

But, my worst, absolute worst fear is that I never move forward and always hold this heavy feeling of 2IF and that DH and I will never feel the happiness we used to feel. I am so scared of that..what if this affects our DS and I become bitter and angry, that scares me.

I really do understand that awful feeling of feeling stuck and unable to move forward. Our IF is not secondary in that we knew the only way to conceive was with IVF and ICSI. We've had 2 unsuccessful FETs and am currently doing IVF #2. Since my two unsuccessful cycles I feel a lingering sadness where the feeling of loss just doesn't go away, I am just distracted sometimes.

Would you consider talking to a therapist, hopefully one who understands IF. Also, would you be open to considering another RE because s/he might have a different approach.

sailorgal · August 2014

Big hugs...we haven't been very aggressive in treatment options but I have felt that way. It's the "unexplained" part that makes it difficult for me - part of me figures there is "something" wrong with my body that needs to be fixed one way or another. A few weeks ago I was ready to quit, give away all of my son's baby stuff, etc. It was the last cycle of having a baby before my son turned 5 and before I turned 33 (I always said I'd be done having kids by 32) but after a few really dark days, and a good appointment with the RE, we proceeded forward. As a poster said above though, it's such an individual thing so big hugs and good luck.

Perhaps try counseling to assist in achieving some clarity? This journey is so lonely that it might help to have someone you can talk to and say whatever you really want or need to with no filter.

BookishMomma · August 2014

I'm sorry you (and all of us) have to go through this. I, too, have had 3 losses while TTC #2. It is a heartbreaking roller coaster. ((Hugs))

chels0120 · August 2014

I think that I had this exact conversation with my SIL last night. I'll be 31 in January, our DS is 5 and we have been trying for 3 years to have another child. I'm at the point where it has worn me out and I'm feeling so down about never having another child. I've recently come to the realization that I may be done trying. And that hurts like hell. But I don't want any more age gap between my children. And with my PCOS and endometriosis, each year it just gets worse. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and wish I had something more uplifting and encouraging but I want you to know you aren't alone

Mishelle62 · August 2014

Thank you all for your messages, reading each one a few times is helping me feel less alone and isolated. I hate that we are all going through this, internet buddies or not, I feel for each person that has to experience the kind of sadness that we have. I hope we can all have a good, long weekend. Hugs to everyone

Mishelle62 · August 2014

MoFree said:

MoFree said:

I'm sorry for your losses and the hell you have been through. To answer your question, I think your heart will tell you when it's time to stop treatments and focus on making peace with your family size.

I keep telling myself I'll know and DH will know deep down when its time to stop, that our mental and emotional state will finally be able to move on.

But, my worst, absolute worst fear is that I never move forward and always hold this heavy feeling of 2IF and that DH and I will never feel the happiness we used to feel. I am so scared of that..what if this affects our DS and I become bitter and angry, that scares me.
I really do understand that awful feeling of feeling stuck and unable to move forward. Our IF is not secondary in that we knew the only way to conceive was with IVF and ICSI. We've had 2 unsuccessful FETs and am currently doing IVF #2. Since my two unsuccessful cycles I feel a lingering sadness where the feeling of loss just doesn't go away, I am just distracted sometimes. Would you consider talking to a therapist, hopefully one who understands IF. Also, would you be open to considering another RE because s/he might have a different approach.

I went to therapy once, for one hour. In that hour I convinced myself that I felt better and that was when we decided to do IVF. That was March. Now that the two IVF's failed, I am considering going back. I obviously need to talk to someone to sort my feelings out. A different RE sounds exhuasting. Wont they want to do all new tests? My doc is supposed to be one of the best in the San Francisco area...I dont know who else id go to.

jen4ny · August 2014

Welcome to the board and I am sorry for your losses. Like the other ladies have said- I think you will know when you just can't do it anymore and it is time to stop treatments. Good luck.

As for a new RE wanting to repeat all the tests- not necessarily if you are able to give them all your results. My OB did a lot of our testing and the RE was fine with that and didn't repeat anything that was already done.

Jodee37 · August 2014

i'm so very sorry for your losses.

i have lost 3 back to back trying to take home baby #2. i know your pain.

to answer your question, for me personally, i feel like i will just KNOW when it's time to stop. there are many moments when i think i can't bear to go on, and then i remember why i started in the first place and just keep on trucking. i like the previous suggestions of therapy. it can only help. we are all in a similar boat here, feeling frustrated and left with no answers. you are in a safe place here.

good luck to you.

Intro and wondering when enough's enough- when do we stop

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