Opinions Wanted (pregnancy/child mentioned, not mine)

SarahP1986 · August 2014

So here is my question? Do you think is better/easier for people close to you to know you are having trouble conceiving? We didn't tell anyone except my best friend for the first year. During that time she got pregnant the first month she tried. I was super excited for them and love their little girl but it's hard to be around them sometimes. Now that we have started using clomid (on my 3rd and last month now) and no luck yet I wonder if it would easier if we had support from family and friends. I am a preschool teacher so I guess people assume we want kids and are asked often by family and church family when we are going to have a baby of our own. How do you answer that? I always just say "oh you know one these days. " Just feeling really closed off from people right now because there is this huge part of our lives that nobody knows about. I thought it would be easier if no one knew so no one would ask about it but maybe that's not the best decision. Just venting and looking for advice from people who understand. Thanks ladies.

lebradford · August 2014

We have slowly been telling more people. I think it is scary to tell people, but it is a huge relief to not be hiding something so big also. I think if you're starting to question it, you're probably ready to start telling some people. Oh course you still have to be prepared for some stupid comments.

aves0708 · August 2014

I still firmly practice the keep it quiet method. Although I have to admit that recently I have been wondering what it would be like to open up about our IF. Just like you, my best friend knows and she got pregnant on her first try. She has been so supportive and has been someone I can really talk to about all of this, but in the end she is still telling me that she thinks I am just two stressed out and that's why I can't get pregnant, despite multiple attempts at explaining that it's just not that simple. I love her so much so I just let it go, but hearing her say that makes me sad. It reminds me of the main reason I keep a lot of this to myself, people just don't/can't understand. They don't really see this IF as a medical issue, just something that if you are patient enough, will fix itself.

Deciding whether to tell is such a personal decision. I think it depends a lot on where you are in your journey, how supportive or not supportive your family and friends are, and how willing you are to be an advocate/educate on IF. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this, good luck!

ETA: After reading my post, I realized it seemed a little sad. Sorry, I have been having a rough couple of IF weeks. Take my advice with a grain of salt

adejde · August 2014

For me, it was kind of a trade off. Less people asking me when we would have a baby, but more unsolicited advice on how to get pregnant.

curve31 · August 2014

All of my close friends and family know. I'm an open book person. Its not always fun. The confused pitiful looks people give you when you talk about it. And if you share what's going on, you also can't keep secret when things work or don't. But I just can't lie to people...and I'm a blabbermouth. I haven't told the whole world (aka Facebook) though.

ETA: There are benefits to sharing as well. Lots of folks are praying for us and when good news comes, I can't help but wonder if it wasn't for them

daydreamernyc · August 2014

I tried to tell my best friend. I took baby steps saying (after my tube was removed which she knew about) oh, my DH and I are having trouble, things are not working properly and I think we need some professional assistance (was already getting "professional assistance" but was treading lightly). She said right away, oh, what is the rush, just relax and it will happen. I don't understand what the rush is. Right then and there I stopped. I knew I wasn't going to get the support I needed so it wasn't worth divulging the details and being met with any type of criticism about our choices.

lisa89760 · August 2014

some people know. My husband didn't really want anyone to know. My mom knows and our friends kinda know. They know how long we've been trying. His sister also kinda knows since she went through 6 IUIs with her second child so I have asked her some questions.

I thought I would feel better telling people and I initially did, but now I constantly feel judged if I'm not pregnant or if I'm drinking. So I think there are pros and cons to both sides. We told the people we did tell that we are taking September off...but we decided to not take September off anymore and we won't be telling anyone.

beekaboo43 · August 2014

I am also an "open book" kind of person. I started off by just telling a couple of my closest friends and my mom...but that little circle has grown over time. Now, I sometimes wish I hadn't told so many people. When we began seeing our RE, I assumed (and was told by my OBGyn) that I would just need to pop a pill for a month or two. Now, seven months later, our journey has become a bit more complicated and I sometimes feel a lot of pressure to update everyone on where I'm at. The problem with this is that when we get a BFN each month, I have people asking me how things went and then have to tell them and constantly repeat that "we're fine, just moving on to the next month, no big deal".

Now, there are some people that needed to know for practical reasons. DH's parents, for example. We work with them in a family business, so we kind of had to tell them so they wouldn't get their hopes up every time the two of us have to be at a doctor's appointment together (They still do though lol).

I find that the people who have been the greatest source of support and encouragement for me are two friends who have gone through IF themselves. Both of them have come out the other side successful, which gives me hope, but they completely understand what I'm going through every step of the way. That said, this board could be a great place for you to vent your frustrations and get some answers...but, sometimes it's nice to have people to talk to IRL. You might try searching on resolve.org for a local support group. I know there's one around here that I've thought about checking out, and I don't exactly live in a booming metropolitan area. I'm not saying that you shouldn't tell people that are already close to you, but I guess I'm just reiterating what others have said about the fact that they might not really understand what you're going through.

mindaa · August 2014

I'm a closed book. I'm pretty private in general, but especially when it comes to talking about AF and BD... totally out of my comfort zone

I also don't handle unsolicited advice very well.

I'm not super close with my parents and my closest girl friends are CFNBC so while I mentioned to them we might start trying, I kept it pretty vague and haven't said anything about our subsequent troubles. So, my support has mostly been limited to TB, though I have also been to a resolve meeting.

DH has actually had a couple male friends who have been through IF and opened up about their experience, for which I'm thankful... helps him understand my "crazy".

I'm lucky in that I don't get asked about my TTC plans all that frequently. Mostly because DH and I are super active and travel a lot, so I think people just assume that we're not interested because of our lifestyle. I've also gotten in the habit of feigning disinterest in children... which is kinda sad because of course I like kids... it's just easier than dealing with the inevitable questions & comments.

When it does happen though, I just do like you and shrug it off then quickly change the subject

Sometimes, I wish I had the huevos enough to shoot back something like "so, are you saying you want to know if I'm having timed, unprotected sex? Because you realize, that's basically what you are asking."

madi1989 · August 2014

I just c

madi1989 · August 2014

I just finished my first round of Ivf, this was unsuccessful the whole family knew along with some work colleagues and close friends so people were expecting us to tell the news. I wasn't ready to talk about it but everyone continued to ask how's it going? did it work? ect. this made me really mad and upset, I felt as if people were insensitive to the situation and just wanted to be nosy. anyways we have just started round #2 and no one knows just myself and my partner, I have been less stressed worrying about what other people are saying or thinking coz they have no idea! of course people ask when will you try again but we just say in a few months were having a break! we hope to be able to surprise everyone at Christmas!
all in all i think it's a personal choice who you choose to tell and who not to tell, you've just got to do what's right for you!! good luck x

bocaburger · August 2014

We've told a few people that we trust - our parents, a couple close friends. Siblings are the next step. We are very slowly opening up, and so far I feel relieved once I tell someone, even if their reactions are less than desirable. I think it's a very personal decision though - do whatever feels right to you.

DSculley1824 · August 2014

We only have told my sister, two of my fiends, my DH aunt (who also had issues) and my mom (wish I didn't but she works at my drs office). Even with just those 5 people knowing I feel like it's too much. I am constantly getting the "it will happen" ... "Calm down" ... "You'll be fine". I want to scream! If I'm having CD of 50+ and need provera to induce a period then that isn't normal! I may not be fine! I may need help! My DH goes in for a semen analysis tomorrow. I have an appt sept 4 to start Clomid. We are pretty tight lipped now with our new steps. I can't take the stress of people saying I'll be fine. How can they be sure?! No one can understand unless they're in the same position as me and TTC with trouble.

dominicandreamer · August 2014

It's taken us a while but we're out with close family and friends only. Although in Hispanic and Italian families, that's still a large group.

What we've realized is we need to know our audience. The things we tell each person/couple vary depending on how supportive and gossipy they are. My mom for example was one of the last to know because she likes to "share" for prayer purposes. No offense, but it's her way of telling secrets she's been asked to keep private. Our friends on the other hand know almost everything and respect our privacy when we need it. They've also been our biggest supporters during our IF struggles.

There's never one right answer. Every IF couple is different and everyone they know may handle the information in a very different way. Do what you feel comfortable with and know that there's always support here when you need it.

SarahP1986 · August 2014

Thanks for all the advice ladies. We decided to tell our parents and his sister and ask them to keep it quite. My parents handled just like I thought they would. Told me I've always worried too much and it would happen when God wanted it to so just relax. Thanks for the support mom! It made his dad uncomfortable so we didn't go into details. My DH's mom has been great. A friend of her's daughter has had trouble TTC and so she is familiar with a lot of what we are going through. I'm really glad we told her, I'm a lot closer to her than I am my own mom and it feels good to have another woman to talk to face to face. Thanks again for the advice!

nswain85 · August 2014

I have only told a few people about the issues we are having and I feel ok with that... Turns out I actually feel like I am able to kind of unload the burden and get it out when I need to with someone besides DH. Just make sure you're comfortable with it and feel like you can trust the person

WishUponAChild · August 2014

What I have experienced is sharing that we want kids, that we are trying for a kid and that we are having a hard time so we have to seek out infertility treatment. I get two responses, people who don't have IF issues constantly ask if we are pregnant, ask if we have had any success (wtf is this question? do you see a F*&k^&g baby in my arms?) and the the people who have IF say this, I am sorry, me too. Thank you for trusting me with this... and they don't ask us if we are pregnant.

I wish compassion was contagious then the world would be a safer place for all of us.

I am grumpy...

Want a personalized experience?

Opinions Wanted (pregnancy/child mentioned, not mine)

Re: Opinions Wanted (pregnancy/child mentioned, not mine)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards