Could really use some prayers

Allyvaughan86 · August 2014

I feel like my world is crashing all around me. I posted a few weeks ago about my brother in law passing away unexpectedly. I knew at the time, this would be hard on my husband, but I don't think I prepared myself for just the impact it would bring to our lives.

For the past 3 and a half weeks, he has been drinking (a lot) almost every single night. He's not sleeping and he's not in the right frame of mind. He's talking about morbid things. I've tried to help him, I've tried to support him, but he just pushes me away.

He completely lost it Friday night, he was belligerent and destroyed our home. He said really mean things to me as well. It's almost like he wants to take out his anger and his pain on me.

Sunday morning I had a conversation with him and told him he needed to get help and he needed to help himself. I told him if he didn't stop drinking for my safety and the baby's, I was going to have to leave. At first he got mad and told me to do what I had to do, then that evening he said he promised he would do better and he stop drinking liqueur but I couldn't take away his beer. I told him that wasn't the agreement, that he needed to put down the alcohol all together, get help, and he needed to show me instead of promise me he could change.

Needless to say, I did leave. I'm spending some time with my family. The only thing I've heard from him is a text message that said he's filing for divorce and he never wants to speak to me again.

I am completely torn to pieces. In my mind I know I did the right thing but my heart hurts so bad for him. I don't want a divorce, I just want him to grieve in a healthy manner without getting belligerent, without threatening me, without destroying our lives.

I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I could sure use it. And I will be deleting this post because he knows my screen name and likes to read what I post anyways.

Thanks in advance for reading, letting me vent, and for the support in this extremely difficult time.

scarlet3egonias · August 2014

Oh my. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you made the right decision though. You have to do what is best for you and your baby now. Hopefully your husband will get through this and come to his senses soon. I don't have any wise advise to give you, but I will certainly say a prayer for you. Keep your chin up, mama.

missnacholover · August 2014

*hugs* to you. Has he had a problem with alcohol in the past?

Maelara · August 2014

Aw, Hun! I just want to give you so many hugs and shake your husband and tell him to snap out of it. You did the right thing, leaving. You need to show him that his behaviour is NOT ok and it's not. Everyone grieves differently but he is being self destructive. He does need help but it doesn't sound like he's willing yet. I say, just let him know you love him and are there for him when he's being less destructive and has calmed down. Reiterate that every time he texts you or calls you. You can be there for him and support him but from afar, for your and your baby's safety. I think you're doing the right thing right now.

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

I am so so so sorry. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers will be with you. You are such a brave woman to do what you needed to do for yourself and your LO. ((Hugs))

uncharted01 · August 2014

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you're doing the right thing for you and your baby by stepping away from a bad situation. I hope your husband can find it in himself to get the help he needs and get back to a healthy state of mind and body.

Lilwatz · August 2014

I am so sorry that you are going through this. There is so much at play here and it's a lot. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother-in-law. I'm sorry that your husband is grieving in such a destructive way. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself and your precious little one the best way that you can right now.

I'll be praying that he comes through this before anything drastic is done.

Dana633 · August 2014

Oh my, I'm so very sorry! Hugs to you! Is there anyone in his family you can talk to that hes close to? Maybe they can reason with him.

LongIslandMama1114 · August 2014

I am so so so sorry you're going through this. I also don't have any advice but I want you to know you are in my thoughts. If it's any consolation, I think you did the right thing by leaving.

NLJ82 · August 2014

I think you've definitely done the right thing. I'm so sorry and will say a prayer for you. I don't have much advice but to try to hang in there and rely on your family for any support they can give/you need. Hope he can snap out of it and do the right thing!

Dimples0101 · August 2014

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. My heart broke for both of you when I read this post. I agree that you did the right thing. You need to worry about you and the baby's safety first and foremost. How serious do you think he is about filing for a divorce? Do you think he'd be willing to see a marriage counselor before filing? This could potentially help him understand what he is doing is destructive and isn't helping him in the long run. If not, I agree with @maelara. Let him know that you are there for him when he is ready for you to be. Big hugs hun!

Celticlass6 · August 2014

I am so sorry you're going through this. I have no advice to add to what the others have already mentioned. You are strong and can do this for you, your baby, and hopefully your husband if he comes around. Hugs.

mockingjay1 · August 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing what is best for you and baby, and I hope so hard that your husband will realize what he is doing before the damage can't be undone. I will keep you and your husband in my T&Ps... I hope he gets the help he needs for everyone's sake.

Dumbgurl04 · August 2014

>HUGS< you and your DH are in my prayers. So sorry to hear but sometimes it takes tough love to help someone.

minibean16 · August 2014

What an incredibly difficult time for both of you. There is no appropriate 'roadmap' for the grieving process, but his choices are obviously not working for him, let alone you or the baby. You've done the right thing by removing yourself from the situation, but I hope he is able to make the necessary changes. You're both hurting, and I hope you find a way to heal together.

JamieK1882 · August 2014

I am so sorry and you are being so strong. Thoughts and prayers to both you and him.

mexinugget · August 2014

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but you did the right thing. You're a very strong woman. I'm thinking of you and hoping your husband will be able to move forward, get help, and grieve in a healthy manner like you said. T&P

Kristil2014 · August 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this. You did the very best thing you could do to protect yourself and your baby.

joshua+rebecca11 · August 2014

My heart really hurts for you, I pray that you can make the right decisions and things will work out for you and your LO, and husband. Hugs.

runningmama14 · August 2014

So sorry. Are you on Facebook? If you are, maybe you could friend a few of us (me included) so you can have an outlet to discuss without involving people that know both of you personally? That way you would still have some privacy from your husband.

lizzielu82 · August 2014

Hugs and lots of love your way. Even though I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision at all, I agree with the other ladies in that you did the right thing.

Hopefully he just needs some time, but I'm glad to hear you have your family to help and support you while you are figuring out your next steps. xo

absolutelymaybe · August 2014

Oh my gosh, I am in tears reading this. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Let me first say, you are are BEAUTIFUL and INTELLIGENT woman. You did the absolute right thing telling him he needed to get help and you also did the best thing by leaving when he didn't follow up. Giving up hard liquor doesn't solve the problem and you realized that. You are doing what is best for you and your baby and the strength and resolve it takes to do that when faced with such a difficult situation needs to be commended. You are doing the right thing.

As for your DH, I can only guess. He's hurting right now, yes. The loss of a loved one is difficult and people grieve in different ways. Not all of them are healthy. He sounds like he's out of control and kind of imploding, which can only end in him hurting himself and/or others (like he's already hurt you). He needs professional help -- whether that's a counselor or some sort of spiritual counseling.

I obviously don't know the entire situation and can't read his thoughts, but perhaps the threats of filing for divorce is coming out of retaliation for you leaving. Perhaps he is putting himself in the victim role "I lost my brother and am grieving -- I'm the victim -- and SHE is leaving me." I don't know if there's someone else who can speak with him (friends, family?) about what he's doing to you, but that could help if he received a little outside perspective.

I wish I had better advice for you. I hope he will come to his senses and see what his grief is doing to those around him. Hopefully he realizes his actions will cause him to lose more important people in his life. Until then, stay strong. Do what is healthy for YOU and the BABY. Hugs.

MollMoll4 · August 2014

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. T&P and lots of hugs to you. I hope that your husband will get the help he needs soon.

jac409 · August 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this. I definitely think you did the right thing! Praying for you

mamatohne · August 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. T&p.

krgriffin26 · August 2014

So many prayers for you, LO and your DH as well. Tradegy affects everyone differently but you did the right thing. Your LO and you shouldn't be around destructive or violent behavior. I hope your husband can come through this and cause as little damage to himself or your little family as possible.

SarahHeck · August 2014

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My friend went through a much similar thing and her husband turned it around just before the baby came and now he's an awesome dad. Depression is such a terrible disease. He is not himself right now. It is good that you can see that and also are wise enough to protect yourself and your child. You are doing the most loving thing for everyone. I hope he sees that soon. Hugs and prayers for you and him.

lizgrace03 · August 2014

So sorry to hear about this. We are all here for you! You are so strong. xoxo

huntress17 · August 2014

Prayers my dear. I don't have any advice but please know I'm thinking of you!

mander82 · August 2014

I am so sorry you are going through such a clusterfuck......I cannot imagine going through this while being pregnant. You did the right thing by getting out of that dangerous situation. Hopefully he comes around sooner than later. I would say he really needs to seek professional help. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they can come back from things like this. I can't see why he thinks getting a divorce would fix anything. If anything, he should be wanting and needing extra support from you right now.....not pushing you away. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your family is giving you all the support you need. Try to stay strong, keep your chin up. Things will get better with time, even if they get worse first. Hopefully you guys all come out of this stronger in the end. T & P to you, I hope your H gets the help he needs.

wildflower75 · August 2014

I'm soo sorry you and your husband are going through this.
Death of a close family member can be soo trying and everyone deals with grief differently.
That being said your (and LO's) safety is most important! You made such a courageous decision and I just hope that your husband realizes what has happened and tries to mend it before it is too late!
Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family!

Shonanny · August 2014

I am so sorry. I lost my sister two years ago. I understand the pain he is going through. With that said it is never o.k. to cause hurt to other people because you are hurting. You made the right choice to remove yourself from the situation and going to a safe place. I hope things get better for you and your family.

brooklyngirl18 · August 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. You are definitely doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation since he being destructive and unpredictable. I really think he is bluffing with the divorce talk (unless this has been an issue in the past) and is acting out to get attention. He is hurting deeply but that is no excuse to turn to alcohol and take it out on you. can you try talking to his friends or family? i hope he gets the help he needs but in the meantime please just try to focus on you and your baby. you can't control what he does but you can control your reaction and doing what's best for your baby.

MrsDL · August 2014

I'm so sorry. I agree, you need to make yourself and your pregnancy the priority by being in a safe environment right now so you've done the right thing by removing yourself from the situation.

Has your H struggled with excessive drinking in the past (even sporadically) or is this all new and 100% related to the loss of a loved one? Any history of alcoholism in his family? I've seen my BIL go from what appeared to be a social and responsible drinker to a diagnosed alcoholic all starting with the loss of a family member - sort of like a trigger. He had depression and anxiety on top of it - but it was painful to watch/live through. Nothing changed until he stopped drinking 100%. The alcohol will make everything so much worse, but until he agrees to stop and work though this sober, you can't help him, you can only do what you are doing right now - being strong for yourself and the baby.

silverwings72 · August 2014

I am speaking to you from my counselor's hat right now, as I have been a substance abuse counselor for 8 years. It is my passion and has been my whole life.

First, you did the right thing, the best thing a mama can do for their child is keep baby safe. LO's safety comes above everything else, even when it is so freaking difficult. You set a very healthy boundary and should be very proud of yourself.

Second, please get some support from other people who understand what you are going through. One good way is to attend an Al Anon meeting or even speak with your doctor and request a referral for some therapy. You deserve to be supported and nurtured while you manage this stressful situation. You are grieving as well, your husband is not the only one in pain here.

Now I am speaking to you as one woman to another - I have so much empathy for you. I have been there, except I didn't have the added pressure of being pregnant. I pray DH seeks some professional help with his grieving and drinking. I just said a prayer for you and the baby.

I use the app but if you ever need to talk you can bat signal me and we can PM. Im on Facebook all the time, I like PP's idea of friending some of us or just joining our Nov14 Facebook group.

Lots of love to you

clumsyatheart · August 2014

Oh my god, i am so sorry. You and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers, and i truly hope your husband gets the help he so desperately needs. There is no excuse for taking anger out on those around you, and there is definitely no excuse for being horrible and threatening you. My ex did this so often with past tragedies as his excuse and i conditioned myself to a. Think it was my fault and b. pity him and stay. We all deal with death and trauma differently, but there is no reason to hurt your family or abuse them. It takes time to learn coping methods, and i truly hope your husband will try.

I can't express how much i admire you for standing your ground and leaving. If he can't respect that and get help, he does not deserve you or your little family (i know that's a really harsh pov

) Who would want to stay with someone who threatens them? You are under no obligation, and you have a newborn child to think about!!! You did the right thing. I know it's so hard to leave and deal with the other person's anger, but soon things will work out. You don't deserve anything he did, and it's better to be in a reliable and safe situation alone than with someone who could threaten your safety and the safety of your baby.

If you ever need anything -- ANYTHING -- please do not hesitate to reach out. You are a strong, mature, badass lady and mother and i have all the respect and love in the world for you. I truly hope your husband realizes what he did to your family and gets the help he needs. He deserves some happiness and peace, and so do you.

HUGS.

dh2613 · August 2014

Everyone has covered it very well, but I just wanted to say that you 100% did the right thing for yourself and your baby. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this apart from everything else and all the while being pregnant, it is definitely not the experience you deserve to have.

I hope that your husband can get the help he needs and hopefully you guys can work this out. It seems like you have gone above and beyond to help him, and at the end of the day that is all that you can do.

I admire how strong you are being in this situation and I hope that it begins to improve soon.

mommymeg143 · August 2014

I'm so so so sorry that you are going through this.

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and sweet little baby. You are strong, beautiful and very brave. I hope that he finds help soon and recovers quickly to save you both the heartache that you are enduring. I've always heard that we neglect the person whom we are closest with during trying times. I hope he realizes that he has you for strength, guidance and support during this time and leaves the alcohol behind. I feel absolutely terrible for you and will continue to pray for your family. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to PM me anytime. Hugs.

Cici3913 · August 2014

I'm so sorry

That has to be really difficult. I hope that in time he will get the help he needs and be a good dad to your baby. Lots of thoughts and prayers.

Melissa2216 · August 2014

Thinking of you. So sorry you have to go through this, but you did the right thing to keep your baby safe.

Allyvaughan86 · August 2014

Thanks everyone for all the comments and sweet messages! It truly makes me feel better to know that I did make the right decision.

As far as the drinking goes, my husband has always drank. Not to the extent he is doing now but there have been concerns in the past because he doesn't know when to stop.

The divorce comment I believe is just a stab at me, him playing the victim because I left and now if he doesn't get it together, in his mind I'll always be the one to blame because I left.

I've reached out over and over to his family. I have his mother's support because she truly understand what he's facing is a serious issue, but he's treating her just as he's treating me. I cannot get through to his dad and stepmom. They are in complete denial and are making the situation worse by giving him excuses. I even called his dad to come to our house this weekend to talk to him. His dad saw the state our home was in but because my DH "sounded ok" his dad just thought it was his way of grieving...

This whole thing is heart breaking, beyond frustrating, and very overwhelming! I hope and pray with all my heart that my husband will come around because I do love him and I do hurt for him!

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