MIL Drama

ccruzybaby03 · August 2014

I agree with you! It is a private moment and it's up to you who you want to attend!

LadybugMomma18 · August 2014

You are in NO WAY obligated to have your MIL there. That time is for you and your hubby. It's good that you stood your ground and set the boundaries now. You give her an inch and she'll ask for the football field. Also, your hubby should be the one to respectfully put her in her place if she keeps persisting.

angelg3134 · August 2014

I second what other PP have said. It is your body and frankly, I would just explain that you would really love this to be a moment between her son and yourself.

Maybe ask for a copy of your disc and share it with her and walk her through it and the moment you were told the sex? That is what we did for our NT scan. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Being pregnant with over bearing family is hard.

MrsTucker2011 · August 2014

I've heard it said before that if you're uncomfortable having your MIL present for an ultrasound but DH is insisting, it's also fair for you to insist your mom is present if your DH is having his balls ultrasound[ed] (is that a word?) Just because it's his mom, doesn't mean he has equal rights to choose what appointments anyone can be present at. You can listen to his opinion with fairness and understanding, but in the end, your body = your choice.

Sometimes baby doesn't cooperate and they have to do a vaginal ultrasound. I love my MIL, but I would never want her in the same room while I was having that done!

weansworld09 · August 2014

diamond7986 said:

Stephanie2378 said:
Why wouldn't you just tell her that's it's important for you to share this privately with your husband? Trust me it's easier to lay down the law ASAP!
She honestly hasn't asked me directly. So I'm not going to tell her no if she hasn't asked.

I agree with @Stephanie2378 just be up front instead of responding with nonchalant, passive responses. You are being no better than her by responding this way. Is your husband on board with it being just the two of you? Why isn't he stepping up and saying something to his mother then?
I guess I'm confused, bc this convo got sidetracked to mom vs MIL & away from expressing your position.

schnitz9 · August 2014

My opinion on this is Drs appt ae really supposed to be for you and your SO. My ILs live very close to us and I have not invited them to any of my appts. I don't think it a place for that. You don't want too many cooks in the kitchen as they say. My hospital only allows 2 people in the delivery room and we've already decided that it with be my DH and my mom. I understand that my husband has a a mom. But it is my body that this child is coming out of and frankly I feel more comfortable with my mother. Luckily my ILs completely understand. You should just explain that your appts are personal and you only want your DH there with you. To be honest I'm not even sure that my office even allows more than 1 person with you. I understand that the two of you are in this together but others have to understand that this is your body that it is happening to and it is all what you are comfortable with. If she can't understand that than frankly she has turned this into all about her and really hasn't put your feelings into perspective. Good Luck!

jennasnipes · August 2014

krysmill said:
First off @Tthgirl‌ I'm not saying she has to have her MIL there! That's their choice. I'm just saying consider your husbands feelings! HE HAS A MOM TO NOT JUST YOU! HE IS AS MUCH PART OF THIS AS YOU ARE. She never stated that her husband agreed not to have his own mother there! @ordinary1‌ Got exactly what I was saying! And if you read my other comments I did say I know what it's like to have an overbearing MIL so I do sympathize.

I will go ahead and clear this up. My husband agrees with me 100%. It was our decision together. I would never blindly ignore my husbands feelings, as you have suggested. His mom's words and actions hurt him just as much as they hurt me.

HailsMom · August 2014

While I agree with some of the posters in that, mom and dad should both have some say as to who is involved with appointments (which also has to do with how close mom and or dad are to said people). I think the delivery room is a whole other story. Some people have mentioned how it's the mom that is hanging all out and might not be comfortable with other people there, but it's even more than that. Laboring and then the actual delivery are WORK! For the mom to be able to get through the process, she needs to be able to feel comfortable and as relaxed as possible. If having a certain person in the room is causing stress, they shouldn't be there. I even know women who have kicked the dad out because they were irritating them/causing stress. At that point in time, it should be all about the mom (and baby of course).

smg2302 · August 2014

So when I delivered DD, I had DH, my mom and MIL in the room. I was honestly to preoccupied to worry about who saw my snatch. I do have a great relationship with my ILs, so I knew this was going to be the arrangement in advance. I think sometimes people make a bigger deal out of it then it needs to be.

That said, the only one who gets to decide who is there is you and DH. Consider this your first parental decision. You need to defend your stance in the same way you would defend your child.

hwood10 · August 2014

If my MIL wanted to go I would say no, however, my MIL is overly opinionated and has tried talking over baby names and nursery décor. Her and I do not see eye to eye on anything and she drives me nuts! That being said I wouldn't take my own mother either. If anyone was to go to an appt with us it would be my sister. You want to enjoy your appts because this is a big deal! I would go ahead and tell her now that you want it just you and your H and why.

krysmill · August 2014

@jennasnipes‌ I am truly sorry for what you had to go through with your MIL. I should have been more clear cause that last sentence wasn't meant to be directed to you! I should have worded so that you knew it was meant for you. All my comments have just been to make everyone realize their husband's may have feelings about their mothers being apart of it. I'm not saying anyone's MIL has to be in the delivery with them! Hell I don't want my own MIL in with me during L&D! But I also wouldn't want my own mother in either just so I didn't hurt his moms feelings! My mom already told me she wouldn't come into L&D because that's mine and my husbands moment.

jennypolkadots · August 2014

This is something you do not need to worry about. Your husband needs to talk to his mom and say that he knows she is excited and loves the baby, but it is an experience he wants to share with just you. Hearing it from her son should make a difference and get you out of the hot seat.

lizjennings81 · August 2014

@krysmill, I think your point is taken, but I also think this is something that is being discussed with husbands/SOs and being weighed seriously by couples. There isn't a wholesale disregard for husbands' feelings in general, I'm guessing. I wouldn't be a good partner to my husband if I didn't try to understand his relationship with or feelings for his parents.

MichaelaMTP · August 2014

I honestly don't think MILs can see the boundaries. Our mothers are a different story. They're OUR mothers. You do not havr to have your MIL present at any appt. Its your choice. That's nice someone else included her, however that doesn't require you to. I would ignore the comments, however if they become too much I would explain your thoughts and feelings, then mark it as a closed topic.

Eventually my MIL will come to an appt, but only because her daughter has decided not to have children and my husband will be present!

hummingbird813 · August 2014

Had the same exact thing happen to me the other week. I let dh deal with it directly until she came straight to
Me. I just said no in the most polite way that I could. She may be upset about it but I've learned to let things go and eventually they just go away. No need to be stressed about something so petty! Good luck

kerrigrooves · August 2014

I had the Drs office put the gender in a sealed envelope and we opened it at dinner with the inlaws present but it was bc it was my husbands bday. maybe you could find a way to include her afte the appt.

Like give her a box with boy or girl baby shoes and wrap it and have a toast, this way she feels involved too but not at the appt.

Beth.1212 · August 2014

My rule of thumb is that it is the pregnant mother's medical appointment, so she gets to say who gets to be there. If the pregnant lady doesn't feel comfortable with any given party attending, they shouldn't attend. Sometimes there are subtleties that can affect the application of that "rule," but to me, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

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