MIL Drama

diamond7986 · August 2014

I am being made to feel guilty for not allowing my MIL to come to our appt when my husband and I find out the sex of the baby in a few weeks. She recently went with my sister-in-law to hers, but she's not her daughter. She's being so passive aggressive about it, mentioning how she went to that appt, each time I see her. And just last night my hubby tells me that she was hinting to him that she wants to come to ours. First, I view this as a private time for my hubby and I. Second, she needs to back off. If I wanted her to come I would have asked. Anyone else going through this?

Cookie0875 · August 2014

Luckily, I am not going through this. I'm sorry you are. I get she wants to be involved and that's nice, but the guilt trip is ridiculous.

BabyParker15 · August 2014

Whoa. I agree with you that it's a special time between you and your husband. Does she have other grandchildren?
Honestly, she'll find out what it is eventually. Must be something in the MIL water this month....

Izzy0927 · August 2014

That stinks. I don't tell anyone when appointments are ahead of time. If I were you I just would not engage. Practice looking like a disinterested teenager and apathetically say "oh really?" I think she'll get the hint. If she directly confronts you, I think you're totally in the right to just explain that it's important to you and DH that you experience it just the two of you, but you'll certainly let her know as soon as you're ready to tell anyone. You're an adult, and you can make your own decisions without her.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

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mrsclark731 · August 2014

My Mom is coming to my 3D ultrasound (where we are determining the sex). Key words *my mom.* I scheduled it mid-day during the week making it kinda hard for my MIL, who works full-time, to attend. I did extend an invitation to her, however.

I totally respect the fact that it is a private event for you and your hubs--your MIL should do the same. I can't stand passive-aggresive women. Next time she mentions it I would matter-of-factly announce that you and your husband are choosing to find out privately. It is something that you both decided to experience with each other, as husband and wife.

Good luck

MrsH11710 · August 2014

I'm not going through that exact situation, but I have a very push MIL so I can understand.

My advice to you would be to stand your ground. If you MIL is that pushy and/or passive aggressive now it will only worsen when the new baby comes. If you start putting your foot down now it will be easier for you to do it when the baby comes. Otherwise you'll end up being pushed around and allowing things that you aren't comfortable with. I've really had to stand my ground with MIL and it wasn't until I was firm in my choices that she started to back off (but we still have our issues).

If you plan on doing a reveal of some sort, you can subtly explain to your MIL how excited you are for the family to find out the sex at the same time. If you're not, you can either ignore the comments until she comes right out and asks if she can come (then you can politely tell her no), or you and your husband can explain to her that the only people at the appointment will be the two of you. If she can't accept those things, oh well!

CogDis · August 2014

Yeah, I'd be super uncomfortable with my MIL attending any of my medical appointments. I'm very private about my body and being pregnant doesn't change that. I wouldn't wear a bikini in front of my MIL and bit would I be comfortable pulling my shirt up and pants down for an US.

I'm not saying that you feel the same way for the same reasons, but I haut wanted to let you know that you're not alone in expecting privacy from your MIL.

AnotherSun · August 2014

My MIL is like that. She wanted to be in the delivery room with my son and didn't talk to me for two months when I said no. She was too angry to even meet our son. Ps- she is a step mom, we dh and I have been married longer then they have.

triplej9 · August 2014

It is nice that she wants to be involved, but if you want it to just be you and your husband, then she should respect that.

I would let her know how you feel, and if she can't accept that, then that is her problem.

Is DH on board with you?

ordinary1 · August 2014

Not that you owe her an explanation as no should be enough, but can you politely educate her about the true importance of the anatomy scan.

CatLadyTX · August 2014

Could you plan a fun reveal for her as an alternative to having her all up in your business? I don't want anyone but DH at my appointments, either.

jaztastic · August 2014

I sure wouldnt let my MIL come... but I make no secrets about the fact that I dont really like my MIL.

However, is there a compromise that could be made? For example... My mom is a bit much, especially now that her baby is having a baby. She wants to be in the room for L&D, she wants to come to one of my ultrasounds etc...

So we are booking an elective US around my dads birthday for them to attend. It will be fun and its after my major appointments so hopefully there wont be any scares. I think it would be fun. This to me a compromise.

Likewise, I told her she can come during the laboring part, but only DH will be allowed in the room during delivery. This was my compromise, and I told her the other option was to be called after the baby was born.

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say no... but if you are willing to make things work through a compromise and you dont feel like you are giving in, I say go for it.

jennjilljo · August 2014

My MIL wanted to be at my u/s but I also felt like it was a very private moment for me and DH. I had DH explain that to her and let her know she would get the first call as soon as we left. She didn't like it but she was so excited about DS that it didn't matter.

diamond7986 · August 2014

BabyParker15 said:
Whoa. I agree with you that it's a special time between you and your husband. Does she have other grandchildren?
Honestly, she'll find out what it is eventually. Must be something in the MIL water this month....

Yes she has 3 other grandchildren. You're right, must be the water! Haha. I think all the MIL's are just getting restless!

diamond7986 · August 2014

Stephanie2378 said:
Why wouldn't you just tell her that's it's important for you to share this privately with your husband? Trust me it's easier to lay down the law ASAP!

She honestly hasn't asked me directly. So I'm not going to tell her no if she hasn't asked.

krysmill · August 2014

Neither my mom or MIL have asked to go to any ultrasounds but are just happy to see pictures! But I will only say this because I seen someone say MY MOM! If you do plan on having your mother come along just remember your HUSBAND/SO has a mom too!

animalcrckr · August 2014

Really? I would tell her no other family members are allowed. Has she already asked to be present during labor?

diamond7986 · August 2014

animalcrckr said:
Really? I would tell her no other family members are allowed. Has she already asked to be present during labor?

No, she hasn't asked that yet, thank goodness. I would have a cow if she did. NO ONE will be in the room besides my hubby and medical staff while I am pushing a human out of my body.

maltwin1 · August 2014

Next time she brings up your SIL's appt just tell that your Ob told you they have a visitor limit. You could tell her that your Dr.'s office has a policy that you can only have one guest with you for an ultrasound and of course that needs to be your DH.

kefttsc · August 2014

I posted a poll about this on the 2nd Tri board:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12419227/family-at-appointments/p1

foxslaw · August 2014

I'm having the opposite problem. My boyfriend's mom hasn't even said congrats to me & acts like the world is ending everytime we bring up the pregnancy. It's really been a gut puncher for me.

Are there other baby activities that you can involve her in so she feels special? Like some sort of shopping?

kimmykaye · August 2014

The only time my MIL has come to an u/s was with DD1. I was on hospital bed rest and they came to get me for an u/s to check the fluid and growth. My MIL was visiting at the moment, so I asked if she wanted to come. She had driven over an hour to be with me. Mine and my husbands families were great during that time. I usually had a visitor at some point in the day (other than DH), and it was a 2 wk stay before dd1 had to be taken out. ETA: I considered it to be "special circumstances."

tee18 · August 2014

My office doesn't even allow extra people in until the last five minutes. IF you are looking for a compromise in the event that she does ask, maybe meeting for lunch or something after to talk about it. I agree with pp that the reason for an atatomy scan maybe could be touched on. I don't want any one else there aside from DH in the event we have anything to discuss with the doc, but maybe that's my nerves talking.

srcr2011 · August 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

krysmill said:

Neither my mom or MIL have asked to go to any ultrasounds but are just happy to see pictures! But I will only say this because I seen someone say MY MOM! If you do plan on having your mother come along just remember your HUSBAND/SO has a mom too!

I totally agree with this. A MIL has a right to be butthurt if the other grandmother is allowed to partake in the various stages of the pregnancy.

*****quote fail****

This! For my wedding, I thought I would be nice and invite my MIL to come along wedding dress shopping with my mom and sister.

I wanted MY MOM for the u/s when we found out the sex and knew I had to invite my MIL to be fair. She does not have daughters to do any of that with. Just because she is not MY MOM does not mean she is not as excited and loves the baby as much as mine would. I couldnt not invite her. I'm not super close to her either.

I say both moms or none.

MapleMomma · August 2014

Did she want to be there for the conception too?

rosieo52 · August 2014

I understand what others are saying that both your mom and MIL should be included. However I don't agree. No moms have asked to come to an U/S or be in room for L&D, but if my mom asked I wouldn't say no, if it was ok with my hubby. That being said my MIL got to experience those things with her own daughter and my mom has not. I have a step-mom as well and she also got experience those things with my step-sister. Since I'm only the one my mom will have the chance to experience this with as a grandmother I would like to be able to give her that opportunity as a grandma! Plus I wouldn't want my MIL there to begin with. She is very nice and sweet, but she can drive me crazy! She has been telling people she is having a baby. She is going to be crazy and will probably have to be reigned in.

Mommalawyer · August 2014

Im not going through that, I am so sorry. I can see how that could be very frustrating though. Perhaps you could politely tell her that you want it to be a special moment between you and DH? Or that the doctor only allows one support person in the room? Or make DH be the "bad guy?"

krysmill · August 2014

@Arduenser‌ what if your husband wanted her there? Is this your first? Your MIL may have already got to experience this with her daughter but has she with her son? I know its different between a mother and daughter. But just step back and consider your husbands feeling! He's apart of this too! Trust me I know what it's like having an overbearing MIL but I wouldn't deny her if my husband really wanted her there! But I know my mother and MIL wouldn't ask to go to our ultrasounds or be in the delivery room!

jennasnipes · August 2014

My MIL is the same way. Except she has done this for EVERY appointment. My mom lives out of state, otherwise she would be invited to go to the gender reveal ultrasound, and no, my MIL still wouldn't be invited.
DH and I found out we were expecting in January, two months before our wedding, and my MIL reacted terribly. She even went as far as to ban us from talking about the baby at her house, and told us we weren't allowed to tell any other family members or else she wouldn't be attending our wedding. We ended up miscarrying at 14 weeks in February and she told us that we deserved it for getting pregnant our of wedlock.
So I feel like for her to be this "all-in" with these babies almost seems fake and rediculous. So to me not letting her be as involved is a bit of her own medicine. I know that's childish but I just can't get past it.

krysmill · August 2014

@jennasnipes‌ So sorry you had to go through that! How horrible of her to do that to you! I think everyone just needs to make the best decision for themselves! If your including your own mom you should include your MIL!

rosieo52 · August 2014

@krysmill‌ interesting point. I was just thinking of the mother/daughter bond. We have kind of already discussed my mom being in L&D and DH agreed with me. He often feels the same way about his mom as me, just tolerates it better than me.

acpruchnik · August 2014

My MIL tried that with our son and with my SIL about my nephew, but both times now she's acting like that about wanting to be in the delivery room. My first delivery was a c-section that was scheduled very early on and if my DH hadn't been able to be there, his mother was the last person I wanted in there with me! She lives 2200 miles away anyway so her being there would mean she'd basically be here for the last 2 months of my pregnancy! Yikes!

Good luck! MIL's can be tricky business!

ordinary1 · August 2014

MIL and mom vs neither: It is a couple's decision. If it were important to my H to have his mom in there and I wanted my mom, both would be there. However, if I wanted my mom and H didn't want his mom, it would be just my mom. To discount the MIL though solely because she isn't your mom is pretty crappy and something you would hope your daughter-in-law wouldn't do to you. ('You' is general person not directed at anyone.)

It is an anatomy scan not a 'gender reveal ultrasound'. It is a very serious scan that can have negative results. It isn't for fun to tell you if you are having a boy or girl.

lizjennings81 · August 2014

Lots shades of grey here. Saying MIL has as much right as Mom (or vice versa for those who get along better with their MILs) is too neat.

My take: MIL (or Mom) has to earn the right to be there. Close relationship with her kid and a certain comfort level with her in-law. Trust in the relationship is the basis of this.

I would hear my husband out if he wanted his mom there, but feel it's ultimately my decision to make: my medical appointment and my body. I don't have to suddenly share anything with my ILs (or my parents if we weren't close) on that kind of a level.

For my wedding, I tried hard with my MIL. She was uninterested and distant. She's proving to be so again with this kid. If she suddenly wanted access to my medical appointments or be there for L&D? Nope. Husband supports this 100% and doesn't care if his mom is hurt. She hasn't earned it.

CatLadyTX · August 2014

@lizjennings81‌ I completely agree that if MIL or Mom does not deserve to be there, they should not be granted access. My MIL is deceased, so I'm not dealing with this, but I know that if DH wanted her there, she would fall under the same criteria as my mom would: is she showing an active interest in our lives and the baby, or does she only want to see the show. I am pretty confident that my mom would only want to be there for the show.

I do have an issue with people downplaying MIL's involvement, just because she isn't Mom, but just MIL. She is DH's mom and loves her son like our moms love us. With that said, if I was to ever allow anyone but DH in the delivery room (never happening), I can see just having my mom (but she isn't going to be there). I'm not sure that I want my in laws in my lady bits (did I mention that it is ok because it is never happening anyway).

lizjennings81 · August 2014

Honestly, it would've been nice to have an MIL who expressed a genuine interest in what we did ( @CatLadyTX, my FIL is all about the show in the general sense; he has to be the center of attention, too, to make it worth his while).

But I'm not discounting an MIL's involvement; I'm just saying a blanket statement that MIL gets as many rights as Mom has to be weighed on the strength of the relationships with each. If I had a stronger relationship with my MIL? Well, she might not be invited to my appointments (no one is except my husband), but I might be trading more info and excitement with her like I am with my mom. Lady hasn't sought me out since our announcement.

krysmill · August 2014

First off @Tthgirl‌ I'm not saying she has to have her MIL there! That's their choice. I'm just saying consider your husbands feelings! HE HAS A MOM TO NOT JUST YOU! HE IS AS MUCH PART OF THIS AS YOU ARE. She never stated that her husband agreed not to have his own mother there! @ordinary1‌ Got exactly what I was saying! And if you read my other comments I did say I know what it's like to have an overbearing MIL so I do sympathize.

HerHighness · August 2014

I think so much of it depends on DHs relationship with his mom, your relationship with MIL and whether she is bat shit crazy or not. I think the same goes for your own mother. In some cases ive seen people with way nicer more supportive MILs and BSC moms.

Normally i wouldn't have anyone but my husband at my anatomy scan. My mom did come with me to my first pregnancy because DH was called out of town last minute and we couldn't reschedule. I had frequent U/S with that pregnancy since i was high risk so dh had seen the baby many times and didnt mind me calling with the news. My mom also came with me to my last u/s this pregnancy because she didnt want me going alone with dd (i was bleeding and dh was at work)

Would i let my MIL in the delivery room? Absolutely not. She stresses me out greatly and she and dh are constantly fighting because she does the same to him. The delivery room is not an acceptable place for that kind of behavior. My mother was in the delivery room, mostly because it meant so much to her and my DH didnt mind. My mother has the opposite effect on most people. She is very supportive and uplifting.

crash916 · August 2014

Our appointments are just for DH and myself. We are hoping that DD can come for the anatomy scan, but other than that we won't be having family members with us. My mom wanted to be in the delivery room with DD and we had said no.

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