"when are you due?"

forevermyfenix · August 2014

A little over two weeks ago I delivered my sweet sleeping Fenix.
I tried going to church today, and someone asked me with this big happy smile "oh congratulations are you having a boy or a girl and when are you due"

I'm not due. My baby died.
I tried to be polite and said he was stillborn. She awkwardly said (still with that stupid church-y grin) "oh I'm so sorry" and shuffled away real fast.

This is the second time I've have to tell strangers. It hurts and I break down. I was never asked when I was pregnant, and now it feels like everyone is excited and wants to know "when I'm due" When will the question stop being asked?

lexusolsen · August 2014

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that.

Unfortunately, you just get other painful questions. Once your body has recovered people will ask when you are going to have a baby. I have dd (my sunshine baby) and everyone asks when we are going to have number two. Lately, I have even had people who know we lost Ben, our second, ask when we will have another one. Like we should be ready to move on.

I found it's helpful to do two things. One remember that most of these impolite and insensitive remarks are well-meaning. Two, come up with what you want to tell people in advance. Some people don't want to say anything. Some people do. But I have found having an answer ready helps me. I don't feel so caught off guard and I feel better about what I say instead of wishing I had said
something else.

To people who don't know about Ben, I tell them that we actually just lost our son in March. People who know about him but ask about us having another one, I respond that we aren't even close to thinking about that yet.

ScienceMama · August 2014

Especially At Church Just Say "We Recently Experienced A Loss And Your Prayers Are Appreciated During This Time." It May Seem Hard To Share The News With People/Strangers But They Are The Ones Approaching You So It Puts The Challenge Back To Them To Support You In Good And Hard Times. Hope This Helps And God Bless.

dadalou · August 2014

I'm so sorry. I was never asked that, but got other questions I didn't know how to answer from strangers. The first couple times it was really hard. I agree that it helps to have a response planned. I'm still working on that.

stefuge · August 2014

I agree that it helps to have an answer ready - and it will get easier as time goes by. And also realize - they are going to feel more awkward for asking, and they should - they should learn to mind their own business. I've been very vocal with friends and family that these types of questions are really inappropriate and just don't ask, because you never know what pain people are feeling.

bunnybun4 · August 2014

stefuge said:

I agree that it helps to have an answer ready - and it will get easier as time goes by. And also realize - they are going to feel more awkward for asking, and they should - they should learn to mind their own business. I've been very vocal with friends and family that these types of questions are really inappropriate and just don't ask, because you never know what pain people are feeling.

all of this.

I am so sorry it caught you off guard. big ((hugs))

OSUWifey09 · August 2014

***SIGGY***

I agree with everyone else that you should come up with some sort of automatic response, and to (hopefully) remember that people mean well. One of the many things I've learned since losing Devon is that many people have absolutely no idea how to handle parents who lose their children, whether it's a miscarriage, stillbirth or child loss. They THINK they know, but they totally don't. Most times, giving them my planned-out response got them to be quiet and move along, but if you are told something you feel is inappropriate, say so. It's not OK for people to say anything they want just because they think that what they're saying is helpful to a grieving mother.

I'm so sorry that caught you off guard, too. *hugs*

ikrystal · August 2014

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I've never been asked that question, but I have been asked how my babies are doing and how I like being a mom to twins. It's tough to respond to. Eventually, as other people have said, I've learned to have some automated responses that has helped. But nevertheless, these questions are always hard to hear. Hugs to you.

AshersMom11 · August 2014

I am so sorry you got asked that. I got the same question at work. One of our volunteers came up to me and asked how many weeks along I was about a month after our loss. I just told her that we lost the baby and walked away before she had a chance to say anything. Then I just sat in my office and cried. I know she felt horrible too, but it was just another reminder of what should have been. So far that's the only time I have been asked. Hugs

msunshine123 · August 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this. I got asked that too. Also from people in our area who could tell I had already had the baby I got asked," How is the baby doing?..." It all just hurts. I think the PPs about having a planned answer ready is a great idea. ((hugs))

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