Intro & question

ldawngirl · August 2014

Hi all! New to this group, but it seems the perfect place for some advice about this situation:

I have medical complications that mean having a healthy baby naturally would be very difficult. My BFF and I have jokingly talked about her and my DH having s** and her carrying the child and then giving it to us. This was just a fun joke we had over drinks one night. Well, she very recently brought it up again and said in all seriousness that it is something she would do for me. Obviously the s** with my DH would not happen, but it would be done through artificial insemination - her eggs, DH's sperm.

I figured DH would quickly say no and we'd move on, but when I mentioned it, he was much more receptive to the idea than I anticipated, so now it's something we're seriously talking about. As this is completely uncharted territory for me, I thought I'd get some practical, unbiased advice from you girls.

Some answers to potential questions you guys might ask:

- My BFF already has a 4 yo daughter, who is healthy, adorable and smart.
- She was married, but is now going through a divorce. She is seeing someone, who also has a daughter.
- We would definitely involve a lawyer to draw up any formal contract prior to conception and after the baby was born, I would formally adopt. DH would obviously not have to worry about that.
- She and I have been friends since we were 7 or 8 years old, so this is not a passing friendship.
- DH and I have talked about adoption, but decided not to due to the costs, low chance of getting a child (at least within a few years) and the fact that DH really wants one of his own/his blood. IVF was also talked about, but again, the costs, low chance of working and the risks/complications...

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. I'd love to just hear people's thoughts on how this could work or even if you think it couldn't.

2MamazInSeattle · August 2014

Hi and welcome. I'd search around for "known donor contracts" and "questions to ask a known donor" to see the things out there to think about before moving forward. Doing this with a friend could be awesome, or could be difficult. I'd highly recommend (and your RE may require it) a counseling session for you and hubs, and then one for all three of you.

Sounds like this could be a great, low cost option! Good luck.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

refeek1 · August 2014

Welcome!

lincoln79 · August 2014

Welcome!

Just for some perspective, we are expecting using a gestational carrier (mh sperm, my egg) which were used via IVF to create an embryo that was then frozen. The embryos were thawed and transferred into our gestational carrier.

Since you will likely need to consult with a RE anyways, please consider using IVF/Gestational carrier route. While still not easy emotionally, the lines are much clearer (from my perspective) with our baby/her body.

Regardless, welcome!

chicagobride_07 · August 2014

Welcome! I might have misunderstood and can certainly understand the cost issues, but why would you think ivf would have a lower chance of working compared to iui? What specific risks are you worried about? GL whatever path you choose. I would definitely consult with an RE on your best way forward.

goyachula · August 2014

I'm a gestational carrier. I'm carrying for two married men. So they had an egg donor and we did an IVF procedure. The agency I'm with also has traditional surrogates, which it sounds your friend is offering to do. Basically the surrogate takes medications to develop eggs or follicles and they do an IUI procedure.

Although I'm on this side and don't know exactly how much it is, I know that it's costly as a traditional as well. Medications and procedures and RE's and all that fun stuff can add up. The traditional surrogate I know got pregnant on the second IUI procedure. So there's always that risk too--- that it may take more than one procedure to take.

Obviously, I think a carrier is a great option. And your friend is AMAZING. I wish you all the best however you decide to grow your family.

Mama-Bear · August 2014

This is something that you need to go VERY SLOW with. This is a huge deal, don't get excited and rush anything, there's a lot of legalities to consider as well as making sure that everyone's on the same page emotionally. Surrogacy, whether traditional or gestational is VERY expensive. Even if she doesn't charge a compensation, there's still medical bills, any of her expenses (maternity clothes, legal, a monthly allowance, lost wages for ANY missed work (so this is at least 6-8 weeks after delivery depending on when her OB will "allow" her back to work", what if she ends up on bed rest, that could be months of lost wages and childcare (if she's on bed rest, obviously she can't care for her daughter). Will her insurance cover a surrogate pregnancy, is traditional pregnancy valid in your (really her) state? Have you really thought about if you'll be comfortable building your family through surrogacy, and traditional surrogacy? What if she conceives more than 1 baby, do you want to raise more than 1 baby (and if so, what's your limit), does she want to carry more than 1 baby (and if so, what's her limit)? What if there's a birth defect, would you want to terminate (and if so, for what), and would she be comfortable with your decision? Is her family complete, what if she wants more kids later and loses her fertility (which is a risk with any pregnancy). If you move forward, you both need your OWN attorney, you'll pay for hers, but you need one looking out for your best interest and she needs one looking out for her best interest. The attorney isn't just about money, just a tiny part of both of my contracts talk about money.

Please note, I'm in no way against surrogacy, I've so far carried 1 pregnancy as a surrogate and I'm getting ready to cycle with another couple, I just want to make sure that you know exactly what you're getting into before jumping in head first. I would suggest getting in touch with a group of other intended parents, especially those building their family through traditional surrogacy. Some sites I would recommend would be: surromomsonline.com and allaboutsurrogacy.com