Pregnant & Not happy with the current situation.

sadiemarie92 · August 2014

Hey Guys kinda new to this and I'm 9weeks pregnant wasn't planned it was quite a shock for the both of us at first neither of us particularly was happy to have a baby at this stage however we've recently come to terms with it and agreed to be happy about it and let it be, He knows that I'm not the sort of person who would abort due to my circumstances. Anyway I met my bf working away during season over a year ago. Since being together he's done nothing but lie and hurt me everytime I've forgiven him and things look like there on track something happens again, there's lots been going on and it's even harder cause he lives 8hours away from me, we were together all throughout season then when season ended during winter I returned home and he stayed put in his hometown leaving it months before seeing eachother again we got over the winter then I went away training for the job again for a month and he went running back to his ex behind my back didn't find out till I returned then he begged me to forgive him and not leave him as he loves me and didnt mean to but he's done it lots of times not just with his ex either. I was heartbroken cause I've done nothing but love him forgive him for all the crap he's put me through and still loved him more than anything. After that had happened I left it a few weeks and agreed to let him come see me and have a meal we kinda went back to square one trying to get back what we had and it happened and things seemed to have been amazing for us since then but I just still have this massive niggle and horrible gut feeling that he will do it again and I'm not strong enough for that to happen it's so hard cause I love him so much don't know why I love him the way I do I just do and I'd be heartbroken if I was to let him go but then if he didn't change and will hurt me or act in a way I don't like again how can I go through that pain again? I can't and now being pregnant I just feel in this massive mess, I love him and want to be happy and I'm happy that I've got a beautiful baby inside me I really am I'm just worried that he won't shape up and will just end up making me unhappy for the rest of my life, I just need a bit of advice really I know this is more for pregnancy and not relationship counselling lol but be nice to just talk to someone about it, The plan is he's going to move to my hometown to be with me and the baby but he keeps telling me he has doubts and doesn't wanna be stuck on his own with me forever and not have his own space etc which really hurts please some advice I know only I can decide but would love to know anyone's opinion x

cailsmomma · August 2014

I've had friends in a similar situation. And all I have ever said is no one can tell you when to leave. Tons of people will say "you need to just leave him!" Or "you'd be better off without him" but honestly, I say, don't go until your ready. Because if you leave and in your heart your not ready to give it up then your gonna be miserable and going back and forth isn't gonna help you. One day either he will realize what he has in you and y'all will work out or you will decide that you've had enough and your ready to move on. He's in your life for life regardless of y'all being together now. But you have all the power to decide how he will be in it. You need to make yourself happy first and foremost. Don't worry about hurting him or how he's feeling. Think about you and the rest will fall into place. Eventually.

Head up Hun. You can do this.

sadiemarie92 · August 2014

Thank you so much for your advice cailsmomma it is hard, cause I do literally adore him and would do anything for him but when he gets in his stupid moods and says hurtful things and does horrible things it's like I think to myself what the hell am I doing staying with him?! It's hard knowing that he's in life for life now, if he can change and we can be as happy as ever then Id love my life so much but just going through it now worrying about when he's gonna mess up again is so horrible and probably ruining the good in the relationship x

cailsmomma · August 2014

Most important is you need to try not to worry. Stress isn't good on you and baby. And second. Worry won't keep him from doing whatever it is he's doing. Make sure he knows your feelings and then let him do with the info what he will. He will eventually realize what he's lost. But it may also be to late for him to do anything about it. Just remember you have the power here. He can't make you feel bad or guilty or worried. You can stop all those feelings. And maybe once he realizes you aren't just sitting and waiting for the other shoe to drop then he might start noticing what he's doing to y'all's relationship. The whole "he wants what he can't have" reverse psychology thing. Lol.

lillymarkee12 · August 2014

Hey, I kind of went through the same thing. And we just moved back in together about 3 days ago. so I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you want you can feel free to text me!

sadiemarie92 · August 2014

lillymarkee12 said:
Hey, I kind of went through the same thing. And we just moved back in together about 3 days ago. so I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you want you can feel free to text me! 2

I've PM'D you

x

BitsyBelle84 · August 2014

@lillymarkee12 Take down your phone number and PM it to the OP if you want her to have it. This is a public forum and anyone can see it and use it.

selena61307 · August 2014

lillymarkee12 said:
Hey, I kind of went through the same thing. And we just moved back in together about 3 days ago. so I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you want you can feel free to text me!

PLEASE use some common sense why the hell would you post your fucking phone number on a public forum.

aelmore8705 · August 2014

I'm in the exact same position as the original poster. We are engaged but have had our ups and downs to the point that now that I'm expecting none of my family will speak to me for "taking him back". But at the end of the day my family isn't around 24/7 they've only seen a couple of bad moments. I know that I'm exactly where I should be right now. Even though it sucks not having any support from my own family, my fiancé and his family have all been so amazing during these first few weeks and my fiancé and I have learned what battles to fight and what things are a waste of time. I was actually initially upset when I found out I was pregnant, but now with all of the support from my fiancé and his amazing family I'm super excited and can't wait to see what our bundle of love is...although both the necklace test and the Chinese chart point to GIRL! I will be happy either way but so far I'm excited for pink, diamonds, bows and everything girly if that's the plan that god gave us!

snickersforeveryone · August 2014

Look at the last few lines of what you wrote. He doesn't want to be stuck with you and wants his space? OP, you need to start thinking of how you can do this alone. Certainly you can hope for the best and keep working on things, but have a back up plan. Make sure his name is on the birth certificate so that you can get child support if need be.

Based on that and the cheating, I honestly don't think the odds of him turning into a stand up guy are good. I'm sorry. That's a sucky situation to be in and I wish you the best.

ngolimento · August 2014

You definitely should see a councilor as soon as possible. I was with someone who was very similar, and the toll it took on my self esteem was something that I had to pay for years, even after we broke up.

My only piece of advice is that it helps to think about the baby's needs in a father. Can your partner handle being there for your child? Will he provide a stable home, without fighting, cheating, and lies? Because it will affect your child the most. He or she will pay the highest price in an unstable home life. Only you can answer if the man you are with will provide a home like that. He has to want to provide that environment. Sadly you can't want it hard enough for the both of you.

vargasgurl · August 2014

I really hope I'm wrong , but unfortunately by what you are saying , he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who is ready to commit.

I was with someone who didn't do right by me in the past. I was in love and I wanted things to work out because I saw the potential we had as a couple if he "would only realize it"
He never did and I ended up leaving him and moving on w my life. Why?? Because I deserved to be w someone who really loved , valued and respected me.

You need to focus on yourself and that baby now. Hopefully he will come around but you need to maybe start planning to do this on your own. This baby ties you to him but it won't make him change , unless he really wants to.

I agree w pp the idea of needing his own space is very selfish and says a lot about where he sees himself in the near future... And it's not good.

Edit: in the end you are the only one that can control your life. You will probably walk away when you are ready I just hope you don't waste too much of your precious time.

MrsZ1891 · August 2014

OP, I was in the same spot you are with my first DD. Your situation is unique to you but I will tell you what happened to me. I was dating a guy exclusively but also casually. We didn't want too much pressure. I got pregnant. He wasn't ready to be a dad and was a real ass about it. We broke up and got back together throughout my pregnancy, all while he was sleeping with other people. He was about to be out of the country for a few months (he is a pro cyclist) and I was going back to TX while he was gone and going to move back to CO when he got home. He broke up with me the day before I went home to TX. I was six months then. We stayed broken up the rest of my pregnancy. He came to see DD when she was 2 months old for the first time. We decided to give it another go, long distance this time. He was still an ass and when DD was almost 9 months old I realized that he was a shitty father and there was no reason for us to be together anymore. A year later I married my best friend and haven't looked back. My ex is still a shitty father but trying a little harder now. It was painful to move on but it was worth it now.

LBZL · August 2014

Almost the same situation here, except we live together and he claims to want to get married...someday. I don't think he will ever change but I'm not ready emotionally or financially to give up yet. I just want to give it my absolute all for my children's sake. So I guess we'll see. Best of luck to you and the baby. Here's hoping things turn out better than we expect them to.

sadiemarie92 · August 2014

Thank you for all your PP and comments all what your saying is completely true. I know deep down he isn't right for me and probably know deep down he will never change he might not cheat again but his lies will still and always be a problem, He visited me for over a week recently and then returned back to his hometown a few days ago now he rang me last night and said he was just chilling out then I didn't hear anything off him and he messaged saying he fell asleep and then I found out he went out nightclubbing so he lied once again and I know for a fact I wouldn't trust him to not flirt with other girls whilst he was out and that's heartbreaking and the other thing that upsets me is that he doesn't even have much money and the money we've got is meant to be saved for when the baby comes and for stuff to get for the baby so he went out on his saved money which I'm so annoyed about. It just sucks to love someone so much and have him treat me the way that he does.

janda426 · August 2014

OP I'm sorry but I've got my bets on this guy not working out as a partner or father. It really is unfortunate but it's the situation and life isn't always fair. To allow this man to keep stringing you along is just unfair to yourself. He's a loser, and you already know it. If I were you I'd have a talk with him and let him know he can be in the baby's life as much as he wants and you hope he will be, but the way he's acting make him unacceptable as a companion during this time in your life. You'll realize how quickly just how serious he really is about being there for you and your child. If he doesn't plan on sticking around, the courts will be on your side and you'll at least get money you need out of him

sadiemarie92 · August 2014

What I keep asking myself is how can I love him so much even though he has put me through what he has, it's making me feel so miserable when we are happy things are perfect but then I guess it's just us living in a lie he doesn't know what he wants he isn't mature enough I don't think. Some people may not agree with someone having a baby with someone who's a complete time waster but my baby is my baby and whether he is in my life or not I know I will make the perfect mother and I will not be the type to not let him see the child just due to our relationship failing id let him be in the baby's life as much as he wants