Somewhat SNR: IL Fighting...Advice?

Princess_Lily · August 2014

So, it was dinnertime. I was getting everyone ready to sit down for a meal, when DS voiced that he wanted to eat just bread. DH and I want him to eat more than just the bread - he needs to try to eat the rest of the dinner. As the food is in front of his plate, DS still reaches for the bread - but DH tells him he needs to eat a few bites of his dinner. DS starts becoming defiant, and quite quickly starts growling at DH and points at home - challenging him.

DH responded, "Your going to do that?! Go to a time out now!"

Meanwhile, I my mother pacing and keeps eyeballing me and whispering, "You're going to let him talk to DS like that? Go take care of it." So this in turn is stressing me out - during an already stressful situation. Now, at this point in time, its as tame as it could be, given the situation.

I personally decided to pull DH into our bedroom (with the door closed) asking him quietly to, "Try not to make a scene when we have company over." - doing that totally backfired. DH interpreted that as me saying 'dont discipline our child with my mom here.' - even though I said nothing of the sort. DH, during high emotions will become hyper-sensitive, misinterprets what someone is saying to him.

He then proceeded to walk out of the room and say, "I don't feel like I can parent in my own home. I don't feel welcome here or in my own home!" Then my mom jumps in and yells, "I always make you feel welcome!" DH says, "Mom, just stay out of it." She refused, and tried to yell how she always makes him feel welcome - he in turn tells her how in his home (he's an athiest) she talks about God and Jesus and watches shows all the time in his home...and then she proceeds to yell how he makes "jesus jokes". UGH!

Meanwhile, I'm trying to yell over the two of them to stop! But the more I try to stop them, the more they yell. My mom ends up leaving. I feel like the more I tried to diffuse the situation, the worse it got. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything in the first place, and simply told my mom to leave at the first sign of her acting up, I don't know. I'm not saying for DS to not be corrected, he will act out with or without company present, in public - where have you. Now, if you bring him into his room to privatley handle it, DS will either kick off more, or company (my parents) will try to hyperfocus on what is happening in the room.

Princess_Lily · August 2014

No, I understand! I think this post was a vent/complaining. Maybe I'm not seeing something, that I caused somehow? I just needed to talk to a neutral party who "knows" us...who maybe has some insight.

I really just wanted the whole argument to stop, I tried to handle everything properly as an adult - but it still caused a blow-up. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to begin with.

Maybe I should have taken DS and DD went for a walk...while the "children" worked out their problems. Sadly the emotions were too intense to think straight, to remove the children from the situation...my mind was just focused on trying to make them to stop yelling!

Its as though no one thought of the kids (DS really, because DD is too young to understand) because they were too worried about their own feelings. I feel like everyone involved was culpable for what happened yesterday.

funchicken · August 2014

Yeah, I would have backed up DH. My parents tend to involve themselves in discipline, and I usually say, "That's not helping. I (or DH) will handle it." That gets them to back off pretty quickly.

Princess_Lily · August 2014

My mom has a tendency to try to control the way we discipline. On one hand, she is very nice and we can go months and months without a problem or a boo - and then on a whim she will try to dictate (to me) how we should discipline DS. She will badger me quietly about how DH is the "bad guy." I keep telling her to stop talking about DH like that - but she will stop and then months later start again. Its as though she is displacing every problem in her life (past & present) on our marriage. She has admitted in the past that, she has issues from her past and how she handled our childhood - so she is "trying to fix it." Dear Lord.

She does have a wonderful relationship with DS, but she is basically giving in and indulging him - which is nice. But DH said she is indulgent and wants everyone to be as well, to DS' detriment.

DH and I have a rule. When DS is in my parents care (my ILs don't live in town), its their choice how they discipline. My father, will take a step back and allow us to handle the situation when we are with them. My mother becomes over-involved and refuses to allow us to parent. She will do this in front of DS too.

Sadly, I've had a conversation with my mother (at least on 2 occasions I can think of) about how she is causing problems...either she listens and respects it for a few months, or she refuses to see how she was culpable. At the end of it though, she will go back to old habits. I think when she goes backwards (like yesterday) I will tell her to leave when she starts up.

ToastieSimons · August 2014

Personally, I think you need to apologize to your DH for not siding with him. Maybe he's feeling like you don't think he knows how to discipline your child? From what you are saying it doesn't sound like he was being inappropriate with your DS at the table he was just letting him know what his expectations are. Your DS can't have different sets of rules depending on who is sitting with you at the table. And in my mind, Grandma is not "company". if she can watch your DS alone and spend time with him on a regular basis then she isn't afforded any special accomodations as far as viewing discipline in your home.

It sounds like your DH was hurt by your and your mother's actions and got defensive because he felt that you were insulting his actions and he got mad. I think he owes your mother an apology for losing his temper and your mother owes him an apology for losing her temper too.

If it were me, I wouldn't have said anything to my mother when she started in. If she escalated I would have simply said that if she doesn't agree with it she doesn't have to stay.

Now, it's easy for all of us to judge what you did in that situation because we don't have the stress, tension or emotions running through us. Believe me, I do/say things all the time because I'm stressed out in the heat of the moment and I don't know what do and I always do the wrong thing. I"m sorry this situation was so stressful and that it got way out of hand.

Perhaps some time to cool off will bring some much needed peace to everyone. But I think you need to talk to your DH calmly and cooly and discuss with him what happened, what he found so upsetting and what he would like to see happen next time.

And then, discuss with him what happened, what you found so upsetting and what you would like to see happen next time.

funchicken · August 2014

I agree with Toastie, and I also think you should think about how to handle your mom in these situations. Based on your OP it sounded like your DH's response to your DS was appropriate. When your mom started questioning things that's when I would calmly say, "We've got it. You're not helping the situation." Then I would reinforce to DS that he's in timeout and go back to eating dinner or whatever I was doing before.

My mom is the queen of hurt feelings and "well, I was only trying to help" but parenting my own children in my own home is not up for discussion with her. Undermining your DH isn't going to help anything. You have to pick a side on this, and it needs to be your DH.

hopecounts · August 2014

I would have told my Mom that DH and I don't undermine each other and DH was handling DS fine, if it was bothering her she was welcome to leave.

Junebug060609 · August 2014

ITA with most everyone. DS needs consistency and mom needs to butt out.

If I was going to speak to DH I would do it after mom left, when the situation wasn't so volatile... and would approach it as "we need to be on the same page".

d.f · August 2014

Not to pile on but I agree that based on the way you described the situation backing your H up would have been a better course of action.

thefuturemrskudla · August 2014

Did what your husband was doing with DS bother you? Parents cant always be on the same page in terms of how to handle children, I know.

hopanka · August 2014

I'm sorry about that whole fiasco of a dinner. While I agree that you picking a side with your mom was probably an unfortunate move in hindsight, I also have to say that your H did not exactly handle himself well either. If I'm reading it correctly, he was the one who started the rant as he came out of the bedroom. Your mom was also out of line, she became defensive and egged him on. He didn't keep himself in check and threw Jesus into the mix, so she could get really pissed. I bet, if she is anything like my grandma, that is a sensitive topic for her. Is she secretly resentful that he doesn't believe in God?

So, while you may have misstepped in the beginning, you made a comment to him in private. Whereas, those two decided to have a shouting match right in front of the kids. And yes, it does affect the baby, too. Even though they don't understand the words, they understand stress and tension. The both adults need to acknowledge that they behaved inappropriately and take steps not to do that again.

MaxandRuby · August 2014

I am sorry this happened. Personally I think all parties were in the wrong. I also think apologies are needed all around and maybe even a CTJ meeting with your mom. Your mom does not dictate how your husband (or you) discipline your child.

And what you wrote here "DH and I have a rule. When DS is in my parents care (my ILs don't live in town), its their choice how they discipline. My father, will take a step back and allow us to handle the situation when we are with them. My mother becomes over-involved and refuses to allow us to parent. She will do this in front of DS too." I disagree with. Your parents (as well as his) need to discipline in the same way if they agree with it or not. Consistency is key. Him being in another house does not mean he gets to get away with murder because your mom thinks it is fine. Your mother does not have the right to "refuse to allow you to parent". Your mother needs to take quite the large step back and you and your husband need to be upfront with her when she starts crossing the line. It is your child, not hers. She is welcome to leave (or you are with your family if at her house). Both of you must feel confident enough to maintain the discipline that the both of you have agreed upon no matter who is there. Their opinions should not matter (although I know that is hard). They always have the right to leave if they do not agree with it.

I'm in a sour mood so I apologize if this comes off as quite hard. I truly don't mean it to but these kinds of situations rile me up. I hope everything gets smoothed over; however, apologies and a talk really do need to happen.

Princess_Lily · August 2014

I was 100% apologetic to DH for not standing by him, and I understood why he was upset. He also apologized for bringing fight out in the manner he did - he knows it was wrong and he knows that he could've handled it better.

The next morning, my mother called Her response, "I'm wrong?!!?!?! How?!?!?!" She never apologized. Im so disappointed in her. Even after I explained how she was wrong, she didn't care. She also went home and attempted to blame my dad for what happened. ::eyeroll::

Dad texted me yesterday: Everything okay?

My response: Everything is fine.

I refuse to bring my Dad into the middle of the fight. Thats childish, and wrong on so many levels. My mother on the other hand, doesn't see this the same, and skews this story to pin her as the victim, and DH as the bad guy. Me and the children? We're just poor victims who are pawns in DH's evil plot to take over the world.

One her calls for attention still has me in shock - and I didn't tell DH this! She actually said to me, "So, what, now you don't believe in God?!? Ya know, the kids will be very confused by how you're raising them!" I point-blank told her, "That's none of your f-ing business!" She then said, "Until everyone puts their swords down, I won't be coming over. I have never been kicked out of someones home! Never have I asked someone to leave."

My response to her guilt card? "No you just let people come into your home and walk all over you." Its true! I have had family members come to my parents house and imply inappropriate friendships in front of guests, and other various insults. Did anyone do anything to ask this person to leave? Nope. I grew up with family gatherings and a lot of people screaming at eachother.

MaxandRuby · August 2014

Your mom and my mom would get along well I think. :-) I'm sorry she cannot see her responsibility in this but I'm glad that for everyone else things seem to have settled and are good again.

ToastieSimons · August 2014

I'm glad you and your DH are on the same page.

When it comes to your mom, maybe i'm mean but i handle it like I would a child.

If you're going to throw tantrums and say mean and nasty things then you can go to time out. You may return when you feel you can be civil and controlled.

If your typical child was at the dinner table screaming and shouting mean things and interupting you would ask them to get up and leave and take a time out in their room. They can return to the table when they can be nice and control their emotions.

Well, your mom is an adult and should be easily capable of that. So that's how I deal. Maybe I'm mean, but I have too much going on in my life to try to handle someone else's emotions and to try and figure out what they want without them being direct.

Somewhat SNR: IL Fighting...Advice?

Re: Somewhat SNR: IL Fighting...Advice?

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