So, it was dinnertime. I was getting everyone ready to sit down for a meal, when DS voiced that he wanted to eat just bread. DH and I want him to eat more than just the bread - he needs to try to eat the rest of the dinner. As the food is in front of his plate, DS still reaches for the bread - but DH tells him he needs to eat a few bites of his dinner. DS starts becoming defiant, and quite quickly starts growling at DH and points at home - challenging him.
DH responded, "Your going to do that?! Go to a time out now!"
Meanwhile, I my mother pacing and keeps eyeballing me and whispering, "You're going to let him talk to DS like that? Go take care of it." So this in turn is stressing me out - during an already stressful situation. Now, at this point in time, its as tame as it could be, given the situation.
I personally decided to pull DH into our bedroom (with the door closed) asking him quietly to, "Try not to make a scene when we have company over." - doing that totally backfired. DH interpreted that as me saying 'dont discipline our child with my mom here.' - even though I said nothing of the sort. DH, during high emotions will become hyper-sensitive, misinterprets what someone is saying to him.
He then proceeded to walk out of the room and say, "I don't feel like I can parent in my own home. I don't feel welcome here or in my own home!" Then my mom jumps in and yells, "I always make you feel welcome!" DH says, "Mom, just stay out of it." She refused, and tried to yell how she always makes him feel welcome - he in turn tells her how in his home (he's an athiest) she talks about God and Jesus and watches shows all the time in his home...and then she proceeds to yell how he makes "jesus jokes". UGH!
Meanwhile, I'm trying to yell over the two of them to stop! But the more I try to stop them, the more they yell. My mom ends up leaving. I feel like the more I tried to diffuse the situation, the worse it got. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything in the first place, and simply told my mom to leave at the first sign of her acting up, I don't know. I'm not saying for DS to not be corrected, he will act out with or without company present, in public - where have you. Now, if you bring him into his room to privatley handle it, DS will either kick off more, or company (my parents) will try to hyperfocus on what is happening in the room.
Re: Somewhat SNR: IL Fighting...Advice?
Maybe I should have taken DS and DD went for a walk...while the "children" worked out their problems. Sadly the emotions were too intense to think straight, to remove the children from the situation...my mind was just focused on trying to make them to stop yelling!
If I was going to speak to DH I would do it after mom left, when the situation wasn't so volatile... and would approach it as "we need to be on the same page".
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So, while you may have misstepped in the beginning, you made a comment to him in private. Whereas, those two decided to have a shouting match right in front of the kids. And yes, it does affect the baby, too. Even though they don't understand the words, they understand stress and tension. The both adults need to acknowledge that they behaved inappropriately and take steps not to do that again.
And what you wrote here "DH and I have a rule. When DS is in my parents care (my ILs don't live in town), its their choice how they discipline. My father, will take a step back and allow us to handle the situation when we are with them. My mother becomes over-involved and refuses to allow us to parent. She will do this in front of DS too." I disagree with. Your parents (as well as his) need to discipline in the same way if they agree with it or not. Consistency is key. Him being in another house does not mean he gets to get away with murder because your mom thinks it is fine. Your mother does not have the right to "refuse to allow you to parent". Your mother needs to take quite the large step back and you and your husband need to be upfront with her when she starts crossing the line. It is your child, not hers. She is welcome to leave (or you are with your family if at her house). Both of you must feel confident enough to maintain the discipline that the both of you have agreed upon no matter who is there. Their opinions should not matter (although I know that is hard). They always have the right to leave if they do not agree with it.
I'm in a sour mood so I apologize if this comes off as quite hard. I truly don't mean it to but these kinds of situations rile me up. I hope everything gets smoothed over; however, apologies and a talk really do need to happen.