Having an anger day

Mel&John2013 · July 2014

I often go back and forth between the stages of grief, and today it's anger. I realize it's not healthy, but anger is sometimes quite refreshing because I find it to be the easiest emotion to deal with. Sure doesn't make me pleasant to be around though.

In celebration of that, I'd like to offer this post as a way to freely discuss what is making you angry, however irrational or unfair it may be. I think sometimes we just need a really good rant to get it all out make us feel better, so I'll start.

1) I find it beyond irritating when people who haven't experienced a child loss post advice on this board. Fine, people read the posts here because there is some sort of fascination with loss, or maybe they're good people and read our stories so they can say a prayer for us, or maybe it helps them appreciate what they have. That doesn't bother me, I get it. However, I think they should keep their words and advice to themselves. If you've never been through the loss of a child then any advice you have to offer is useless.

2) I STILL can't get my signature to update.

ikrystal · July 2014

**ticker warning**

I swear, just as you were posting this thread, I was complaining about someone who was giving me advice on how to deal with my loss. I can't stand it when people who have never had one give advice. Or, they discredit how I feel or what has happened and tell me that things are not the way that I see them. How the hell would they know???

I can't get my signature to update either, so I always PM someone on TB to do it for me. I know people try to PM board moderators to see if they can do it.

OSUWifey09 · July 2014

***SIGGY***

I still get pissy when people try to tell me how I should handle milestones and angelversaries. Not your loss, honey. I will deal with it however I want to. I recently had one person tell me that in time, I will forget. Are you flucking kidding me? How could I forget my baby? I wanted to punch her in the face. I still do.

I used to get angry when people would ask through the grapevine how I'm doing. You have my cell phone number and are FB friends with me...how about you ask me directly? I know a lot of people had no idea how to approach me after losing Devon, which was why I started blogging about it and becoming more vocal about his loss - I wanted to people to know that it was OK to talk to me, it was OK to ask questions. I felt like I became a freakshow for awhile because a lot of my friends didn't know anyone that had experienced a loss so late in her pregnancy; no one wanted to talk to me, but everyone wanted to talk about me.

msunshine123 · July 2014

I'm angry that my SIL got pregnant with her 1st after she "didn't want to have kids." She is due in a few months. After her 20 wk AS there was something on the baby's brain, but fortunately upon follow up all was fine. We learned everything was fine while visiting my ILs after my son's death. I commented that it was such a huge relief and I was so glad that my SIL's baby was ok because so many things can happen and it really is such a miracle when all is ok. My MIL turned to me and said,"things don't usually happen." (my son died of a cord accident the day of my delivery) I wanted to punch her in the face.

healz413 · July 2014

I'm angry that a friend of ours got a positive pregnancy test today.
I'm angry at myself for being angry at that since she has struggled to get pregnant and had a miscarriage previously.
I'm angry at my coworkers who are talking about a baby in front of me.

bunnybun4 · July 2014

I am so angry that I am almost 2 years into this and all I have is a terrible late loss and 2 miscarriages and a ton of anxiety and stress to show for it. It makes me so mad that it just happens for other people. I've been through enough in this department.

angelsnight · July 2014

Ticker warning (rainbow mentioned)

I get angry when I post a picture of my rainbow on FB, everyone likes it, comments on it....but when I post something about my angel, the only likes I typically get are close close family, and my two FB friends that have lost babies. I get that people don't know what to say to us, but how hard is it to click like?

I'm also angry at our friends that just had a baby. I was about 20 weeks along (and very close to our loss milestone so maybe that's what made me stabbier) with our rainbow when he announced they were pregnant, and he said "we're going to have a baby" in like a Na na na na naaah na" sing song...I know he didn't mean anything by it, but despite me being pregnant at the time I think he should have used a little more tact. I get that he probably had no clue he should be sensitive with his annoucement since we were expecting again, but knowing how he is, I know he wouldn't have been sensitive had we not been pregnant either.

I'm also angry at myself for feeling this way, because I feel like my anger free pass expired once my rainbow was born, and I shouldn't get to feel angry anymore. I know how lucky I am to have her, and I feel so guilty over still being angry and sad over our loss.

OSUWifey09 · July 2014

angelsnight said:
I'm also angry at myself for feeling this way, because I feel like my anger free pass expired once my rainbow was born, and I shouldn't get to feel angry anymore. I know how lucky I am to have her, and I feel so guilty over still being angry and sad over our loss.

I feel the same way...my anger free pass should've expired when we had our rainbow, but it really hasn't. I think I will always be a little bitter, mad and sad over our loss, even though I am forever grateful that we have her. Sometimes, I find relief in that I'm still bitter/mad/sad over our loss...I've always been afraid that our rainbow would somehow replace Devon, and she absolutely hasn't - she's just been added to our family.

Maybe Joleisa · July 2014

My friends and I got tickets to this outdoor concert venue that allows you to bring food & beverages (beer, wine, cocktails, whatever) inside. It is perfect for a girls' night out. My friend's SIL bailed, so she reached out to a few other friends to join us. All 3 were interested, so they ended up getting tickets.

(1) friend who is 26w pregnant w/#1 + (1) friend who is 19w w/#1 + (1) friend who is 12w pregnant w/#2--recently fired and her #1 just turned 1 y.o.

The kicker? I didn't know about the last two; I was blindsided while the 2 newly (to me) pregnants sampled my 26w friend's O'Doules.

Anger. Rage. Tears. You name it as soon as I hit the car and it continued until I got home to my DH. The friend who is 26w hasn't hung out with us in over a year, but her baby shower is coming up so I think she's making an effort to be more involved. The friend who is 12w is a close friend and an email would've been nice.

I'm glad my friends don't have to experience the pain of loss and infertility, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to be around them. ::insert more anger and rage here::

Mel&John2013 · July 2014

Thank you everyone for being stabby with me today. For what it's worth, I think all of our anger is legit. People are stupid and sometimes need punched in the face.

@healz413 Please don't be too hard on yourself or feel bad. You're allowed to be angry.

@angelsnight & @osuwifey09 I don't think a rainbow baby should erase the pain and anger. A rainbow shows there can be beauty after a storm, but it doesn't erase the devastation the storm caused.

hsabyan · July 2014

My pregnant SIL posted a few weeks back on FB that she had a dental infection and the medicine the dentist wanted her to take had a large chance of her baby having yellow teeth (baby teeth). She then made the comment "ugh! I don't want him to have ugly teeth!"

How flipping insensitive? Our baby just died in May and you're going to post about yellow teeth? If my baby lived for anything, I hoped that it would be to teach people to love harder and to be thankful for what they have.

She also made a comment to my other SIL that her boyfriend said that my husband and I won't love their son, and never will. This is following a post my husband made on facebook from a "Still Standing" article on feelings towards other people's babies and such. I can't believe that they are unable to see the big picture. As if we're distant because we legitimately don't or won't love our nephew. We are going through something that she will (hopefully) never understand, but I wish that she would at least try.

I'm also just angry in general at hers and anyone else's pregnancies. I know it's not right and I don't wish anything to go wrong or any harm to come to them or their babies, I'm just angry that I don't have mine and it hurts me to see what I don't have.

I think that's the emotion I've been feeling the most lately; anger. Glad to know I'm not alone. My husband I often have to reassure each other that our feelings are justified, because we feel guilty for how we feel or aren't sure if we're just being too emotional.

stefuge · July 2014

I get so angry when pregnant moms celebrate about being past the first tri or past viability week, like the hard part is over and a healthy baby is a guarantee at that point.

I also get really angry at pregnant moms who don't follow the safety rules and then act all chill about it - like those rules don't apply to them (there was just a post about this on the PGAL board where I was lurking and I had to turn my computer off because I wanted to blast everyone commenting on it!). Again, with the assumption that a healthy baby is a given.

And really, any mom who complains about being pregnant or about her child really rubs me the wrong way. I've been there, and Parenting is tough, but still. I would take those complaints any day.

angelsnight · July 2014

OSUWifey09 said:

angelsnight said:
I'm also angry at myself for feeling this way, because I feel like my anger free pass expired once my rainbow was born, and I shouldn't get to feel angry anymore. I know how lucky I am to have her, and I feel so guilty over still being angry and sad over our loss.

I feel the same way...my anger free pass should've expired when we had our rainbow, but it really hasn't. I think I will always be a little bitter, mad and sad over our loss, even though I am forever grateful that we have her. Sometimes, I find relief in that I'm still bitter/mad/sad over our loss...I've always been afraid that our rainbow would somehow replace Devon, and she absolutely hasn't - she's just been added to our family.

I could have written this, word for word.

angelsnight · July 2014

ticker warning

I also get angry at my SIL when she constantly blabbers about how she wants twins. I get that twins is a popular thing to wish for, but from my perspective I don't see cute little twins, I see high risk, I see pre-mature, I see incompetent cervix....if she has to go on and on about it, don't talk about it to the person who is high risk and wishes she weren't (not that she can choose to have twins, but if she could I'm sure she would). It also bugs me why she wants twins....because she is older and wants two kids so it would be "ideal to have them both at the same time".

Yeah in a perfect world I would like two living children, and we may try again, we may not, but if it doesn't work out for us we will be forever grateful for the one we have. I view pregnancy as a complete miracle and it irks me that she can't just be happy with one miracle.

Ok one more and then I am done....I can't stand when people say, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy. And God forbid, if it's not healthy, are you going to ask for a refund?

Mel&John2013 · July 2014

@stefuge I saw that post title on PGAL and didn't read it because I knew what it was going to say. I couldn't stand it. If those moms had even one day of knowing how we feel they'd be singing a different tune. Once you've seen first hand that those bad things people say barely have a chance of happening really do happen, then everything changes. The doctors don't think anything I did caused Lincoln's problems, but you can sure as hell bet that now I understand things really do happen and I'd do ANYTHING in my power to avoid the ones I can avoid.

Oh, and the people who complain about their kids! I cannot tolerate it. Oh yea, I know having kids is hard. Try spending 2.5 months straight living in a hospital. You know what? I didn't complain about it, I was happy every day to go to whatever place was keeping my peanut as healthy as he could be. His smile was the best thing I've ever seen, nothing about him on this earth was too hard. So shut the flip up. If you need to complain about how hard having kids is, I am not your girl.

shandorfml2 · July 2014

I get angry (but happy at the same time?) for people who get pregnant. I even get bitter when people get pregnant with their rainbow. I've been trying for 16 months since we lost our daughter. Arg. I'm just very jealous.

Bayberry12 · July 2014

I get angry when people say they are so sad that their little one is growing up. I would give anything to get to see my daughter grow up.

Mel&John2013 · July 2014

@shandorml2 I totally understand about being bitter and happy for people at the same time. Those two emotions really can coexist.

veetveet · July 2014

I'm angry there are so many pregnancies and newborns all around me.

I'm angry my "best friend" had twins and is sad that I won't get to know them in the capacity she wants me too. I'm angry that I can't even know my own baby.... Sorry but eff her kids right now.

I'm angry that I can't be around any newborns without completely losing my shit.

I'm angry that we probably won't be trying again for another. And I'm. Angry when people ask me if we plan to have another.

I'm angry that I was pretty much told to suck it up and life goes on and I have to learn to deal with things.

I'm angry someone made the assumption I wanted them. To cover up their pregnant stomach.

I'm angry about all of the stupid crap that comes out of people's mouths. I lost my son.... Not my laptop.

Sometimes I wish there was a bereavement relocation program- where you get a new life and a new identity. Sick of being the crazy lady with the dead baby. The elephant in the room.

jonahsma · July 2014

I am angry at a friend of mine but I feel bad for being angry. What she is doing is really bothering me..

I will tell the story the best way I can.

She is in her early forties and has had a partial hysterectomy (still has her tubes)

She knows about my losses. Today at church I asked her how she was doing. She told me "i had another tubal" very nonchalantly. Like it was the norm. This has been her 3rd tubal. That's what she says. She knows that the baby will not survive yet she continues to refuse to use protection.

me- "Have you tried bcp?" Her-" it doesn't work for me, because I drop tWo eggs"

me- " well what if your dh gets a vasectomy ?" her- "He did but it didn't work"

Her- "Doc said I could use male and female condoms, but I don't want to"

me- " did they say anything about a complete hysterectomy?" her- "He said if he did that it would take ten years off of my life"

OMG.........

I don't get it.

She knows that she won't be able to carry the baby (she has no womb)

I feel she has no desire to use protection and she will continue to get pregnant and the babies will .continue dying. It reallllllly upsets me, because I know what it is to lose my babies/

stefuge · July 2014

@jonahsma‌ - oh that is so upsetting! How insensitive!

erinel · July 2014

***Sig warning***

I agree with so many of these! It's nice that we aren't alone.

Also, it makes me so angry when people, especially ones that I know pretty well, have babies and then bring them out in public or around people who are sick when they are super little. My son died because he caught a random virus, and we didn't even bring him out in public! It was just terrible luck, so why would you tempt fate, knowing that it can easily happen?

ScienceMama · August 2014

Im Angry B/c I Don't Want To Go Back To My stressful Job. Im Running The Company And My Boss Is incompetent Oblivious And InSecure. My Health And My Child Have Been Affected And When I Told Her About The Loss She Said At Least You Carry Well I Couldn't Even Tell. Lord Give Me Strength.

Having an anger day

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