sister obsessed with baby

amycothrum7 · August 2014

My husband and I have been married for over four years. I am 25 and my sister is 18. She is obsessed with my unborn daughter and keeps asking me for pics of my belly all the time and my ultrasound pics. She even went off on me one night saying she's never going to get to see her because I am going to be selfish and hog her all the time. Um, it's my baby... I know she's excited, but it's starting to turn into an obsession. (My sister is also bi-polar and she lives 45 minutes away from me). She just won't stop bugging me about everything that's going on and keeps asking if she can babysit her all the time. She has even downloaded pregnancy apps and put my due date in there so she can keep track. And she keeps posting pics of the ultrasound on facebook all the time. There's a lot more that she has done, but I don't want to get too carried away. She has also done things in the past which has lead me not to trust her.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

It sounds like she's just excited, but with you mentioning she is bi-polar it sounds a little "manic-y". Are you guys close? Maybe she is just happy to be an auntie?

ADH0906 · August 2014

Um. Well...okay. I guess I can maybe see how that's be mildly annoying, but I think you need some perspective here. She sounds very young and very excited.

My sister and I are not close at all and she literally hasn't so much as texted me, baby or no, in the last 3 months. I understand she's in your hair a bit, but consider the alternative and try to find the positives of having a sibling that shows interest and cares for your little one.

ETA: totally missed the bipolar part. I don't know much about that, but I still think she just sounds young. My 15 y/o niece would/does do the same types of things. Maybe limit the amount of ultrasounds you give her access to, etc? Draw some boundaries?

Emerald27 · August 2014

My father is bi-polar. I'm no stranger to this diagnosis.

1. Is your sister compliant with treatment? Sounds like she might need a medication adjustment. I would suggest talking to her psychiatrist, if they'll talk to you, about your concerns for your sister.

2. LO is your baby, and you should absolutely trust your instincts in regards to allowing anyone to watch her. If that means your sister doesn't babysit, that's OK! She might be pressuring you because she wants to find out if you trust her with LO, etc. If the truth is no, then that's the answer. Be sure to assure your sister of your love and desire for her to be part of LO's life. She can absolutely be a very special part of LO's life even if they're never left alone together. Seriously.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

Yeah I would say aww she sounds excited but maybe it does sound a bit on the manic side. I think @Emerald27‌ has good suggestions.
Good luck

Emerald27 · August 2014

Normal excitement (even taking her age into account) is one thing and is awesome, but there are some important red flags that OP's post raises. It's wonderful that her sister is excited to be an aunt. Truly. But if she needs medical care because of an uncontrolled obsession, it's important for her own health and for her relationship with her niece that she gets it.

Everyone is absolutely well-meaning with the criticism of being annoyed by a young family member's excitement. I'm just thinking there's more to it than that.

ETA: Big life changes can be very difficult for people with bi-polar disorder to navigate. The anxiety that is attached to 1. wanting to be a good aunt, 2. wanting to be a normal part of your niece's life despite your diagnosis, and 3. worry and obsession about being shut out or not trusted, and unloved by the new little person, can bring a person with this diagnosis an enormous amount of anxiety, and can even trigger a manic episode. I think OP's sister should see her psych ASAP.

megaddie · August 2014

Maybe you're the first "friend" she's had that is having a baby? Does she have a lot going on in her own life right now? I became an aunt at 6 and was obsessed with my baby niece---probably drove my sister bonkers. I know it's totally different, but she does sound like she might be a bit immature. If she has history with mental illness, she might be a bit manic or obsessive but maybe if you assure her that she'll be an important part of the baby's life (even if she doesn't get to babysit) she'll calm down. Maybe buy the baby some "I love my aunt!) clothing and a book that your sis liked when she was little to show you approve of the bond.

ADH0906 · August 2014

Emerald27 said:
Normal excitement (even taking her age into account) is one thing and is awesome, but there are some important red flags that OP's post raises. It's wonderful that her sister is excited to be an aunt. Truly. But if she needs medical care because of an uncontrolled obsession, it's important for her own health and for her relationship with her niece that she gets it.

Everyone is absolutely well-meaning with the criticism of being annoyed by a young family member's excitement. I'm just thinking there's more to it than that.

@emerald27 I totally missed the bipolar part. I'll own it...seems like something more might be at play. Good call.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

@famousea No she started one other thread in April about her vacation to the Rockies on the second tri board.

amycothrum7 · August 2014

No exaggeration here. I'm not the only one in my family worried. She's been to a mental hospital before and she won't go get her meds refilled for her condition. She is untrustworthy and unstable and has even said at times when she gets mad that she's not going to have anything to do with the baby. And then the next day she'll be back to, "im so excited for her to get here!" She's just all over the place. She also has a lot of friends who already have kids and she plays with them a lot so it's not a "this is the first baby I get to play with" kind of thing

amycothrum7 · August 2014

And, we are also not close at all!

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

amycothrum7 said:

And, we are also not close at all!

Maybe this is an opportunity to bond with her and get her back on her meds. Is she someone you could say look I am excited for you to be an aunt but I want to make sure you are healthy and on your meds so that you can spend more healthy time with baby?

Or something like that? I know rational doesn't always work with mentally ill people...

DaniGrace89 · August 2014

Because she is bipolar, it could be a type of fixation. Is there any way you can ask someone to check on her and see if she's spiraling?

I would offer to give her weekly updates. It is nice that she is so excited about your baby, but if you are uncomfortable with her posting personal things publically, you should ask her not to. Just focus on the positive. Without knowing your history, I can't say a ton more than that, just think you need to have someone check and make sure she's alright.

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

amycothrum7 said:

No exaggeration here. I'm not the only one in my family worried. She's been to a mental hospital before and she won't go get her meds refilled for her condition. She is untrustworthy and unstable and has even said at times when she gets mad that she's not going to have anything to do with the baby. And then the next day she'll be back to, "im so excited for her to get here!" She's just all over the place. She also has a lot of friends who already have kids and she plays with them a lot so it's not a "this is the first baby I get to play with" kind of thing

Then her issues go way beyond the fact that she is "obsessed with your baby" and your family needs to take pretty serious action to help her understand the severity of her condition and the importance of her medication. One of my siblings suffers from schizophrenia and is hospitalized at least 6 or so times a year, so, I get that what I'm saying is easier said than done, but honestly, her obsession with your pregnancy probably isn't the most important thing right now, getting her help for her condition should take priority.

rhonda101014 · August 2014

My 16 year old daughter has bipolar and is also very excited about the arrival of the new baby. I should add that she is well managed and takes medication as prescribed by her doctor and has a therapist. She is delayed in maturity so even though she is 16 she acts more like a 13 year old. I would try to explain the situation about the trusting her with babysitting and try not to get upset with her. My daughter when she gets upset or is under the impression that she has done something wrong get very emotional and over reacts and this increases her anxiety. Maybe ask her if before the baby comes that you both meet with her therapist to discuss how her interactions with the baby will be and see if the therapist can suggest some coping skills for when you are feeling overwhelmed with her behavior. I think if you try to make it a bit about her and the baby's relationship she will be open to try suggestions from the therapist. Bipolar is such a complex illness and everyone has different experiences with it but I have noticed the calmer and more patient I am with my daughter the easier it is for her to understand. Best of luck and I would say don't worry too much. Have faith in your sister and just make sure you supervise the situation until you feel more comfortable.

Emerald27 · August 2014

@amycothrum7‌ Perhaps the baby could be a good source of motivation to become medication compliant. It's very very hard for bi-polar folks to remain compliant. Being manic gives you a high, makes you feel powerful and invulnerable, and the medication sucks. The disorder itself makes you feel that you neither want nor need your medication: this is a REAL symptom! And once you're not taking it or your dose needs to be changed, it's extremely difficult to become well-controlled and manage your illness on your own.

Bi-polar disorder is so so awful and tragic and destructive and I feel for your sister and your family.

Sounds like your family needs to sit down and work out a plan for helping your sister cope with her illness. Best of luck to you!

bumpuser10309732 · August 2014

golfingdarwinfish said:

amycothrum7 said:

No exaggeration here. I'm not the only one in my family worried. She's been to a mental hospital before and she won't go get her meds refilled for her condition. She is untrustworthy and unstable and has even said at times when she gets mad that she's not going to have anything to do with the baby. And then the next day she'll be back to, "im so excited for her to get here!" She's just all over the place. She also has a lot of friends who already have kids and she plays with them a lot so it's not a "this is the first baby I get to play with" kind of thing

Then her issues go way beyond the fact that she is "obsessed with your baby" and your family needs to take pretty serious action to help her understand the severity of her condition and the importance of her medication. One of my siblings suffers from schizophrenia and is hospitalized at least 6 or so times a year, so, I get that what I'm saying is easier said than done, but honestly, her obsession with your pregnancy probably isn't the most important thing right now, getting her help for her condition should take priority.

^this! Coming from experience this shit is way more serious than her "obsession". She needs to get help and get medicated like yesterday. No it's not easy forcing someone who seemingly doesn't want to help themselves to get the help they need. It's like a damn act of congress but if you don't start it's only going to get more difficult, or end in a tragic way. I'm telling you this because I almost lost my brother that way.

MrsL2B · August 2014

Bipolar disorder can present itself in so many different ways and degrees. If the you are not close, you might want to check in with other family members or friends who have better insight. Where are your parents in all this?

amycothrum7 · August 2014

My parents try to help, everyone tries to help, she doesn't want it. She ignores all of us and is also rude and disrespectful. Every time we try to help, she shuts us out more. She doesn't listen to anyone. She also has PCOS and won't get her meds refilled for that either. She says all the time that she wants to get her attitude and weight in check for this baby, but she never does anything about it and will absolutely not listen to any of us. If we try to sit down with her, she gets mad and storms away

MrMrsandBaby · August 2014

amycothrum7 said:

My parents try to help, everyone tries to help, she doesn't want it. She ignores all of us and is also rude and disrespectful. Every time we try to help, she shuts us out more. She doesn't listen to anyone. She also has PCOS and won't get her meds refilled for that either. She says all the time that she wants to get her attitude and weight in check for this baby, but she never does anything about it and will absolutely not listen to any of us. If we try to sit down with her, she gets mad and storms away

Sorry if this is harsh, but if she won't take her meds I wouldn't let her be around the baby. It isn't like she lives down the block, but you are the mother..you can tell her that until her condition (PCOS aside) is managed and under control you don't want her alone with your child. Or even around the baby. Clearly she has issues that she isn't addressing and expects everyone to bend to her whims - stop doing it.

Maybe this will be her kick in the ass, maybe not. But if she is not responsible enough to take medication she isn't responsible enough to be alone with the baby.

serenbach · August 2014

This post is difficult for me to comment as I'm torn between my role as a pyschiatric nurse and a mother to be.

As a pyschiatric nurse I feel happy that your sister has something so positive to focus on which gives her a sense of being (I remember when I became an aunty and I still love the role of looking after my nephews), it's great that she's so thrilled to take on the responsibility of an aunty- however I am more than aware of how intense and possibly unerving this will be for you. As a mum to be I sometimes get irritated at people for wanting to be overly involved however these are the people that I know will support me through all the ups and downs and give me an hours peace after a sleepless night when baby arrives so I do try not to be so hard on them.

Maybe you could try allow her to feel involved but in a way that you have control, suggest spending a day together baby shopping?

In terms of her mental stability it is always something that I would be wary of if I was leaving my baby alone with her as you have described how changeable her mood and attitude is, however please don't allow her illness to stop her being an aunty, she clearly needs to address her illness with help and support ... Does she not have a community mental health team or a CPN working with her while she is out of hospital keeping an eye on her medication concordance and mental state??

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