Shower Etiquette Question

blessdtxas · August 2014

My aunt is hosting a shower for me, which is great. I am very thankful. However, my mom just texted me and said she was going to help my aunt with the shower and asked about my guest list. I'm a little frustrated because 1) I thought that (etiquette wise), my mom is not supposed to host a shower for me. 2) My aunt has a terrible tendency to ask for "help" and pawn the work to someone else while she takes credit for it.

I don't know if I should mention to either my mom, my aunt, or both that traditionally, grandma-to-be shouldn't host the shower? Am I jumping the gun on saying something? I don't want to sound ungrateful or pushy, but I also don't want my mom to get taken advantage of (which I think will happen).

Any tips would be great! TIA!

hellopartyof5 · August 2014

I think it completely depends on where you live. Where I live I've never been to a shower not hosted by the mom (sometimes with friends). Also, is this your Mom's sister? If so, she should know how to handle her sister by now and ensure that she's not doing all the work

This is the hardest part of the shower, we really don't get a say unless asked lol.

blessdtxas · August 2014

I'm in Texas. I'm a FTM and don't have a ton of shower experience. My co-worker made it sound very faux pas. Maybe it's a good idea to just let them work it out and I'll stay out of it.

It is my dad's sister. My parents are divorced and my mom has gotten screwed over in these situations before. My mom has already done so much for MH and I to prepare for the baby, I don't want her to feel like she has to do even more. I think I'm going to call her and feel it out. If my mom wants to help, that's fine. It's her first grandchild and I know she is excited, but I don't want her to feel obligated to work with my aunt on something. Mind you, this is the aunt that insisted she throw a shower, even if it was just the two of us. She also requested the baby come to her Christmas party (he would be 2 weeks old), and asked that my sister come in town for the day (because it's her last year to throw this party) - even though my sister works retail and HAS to work Christmas Eve and the day after....basically she can be a major headache

She means well, but can be frustrating and selfish.

Eora3 · August 2014

Honestly, you should probably stay out of it. Your aunt is hosting and your mom is helping so there is no breach of etiquette.

Also, your mother is a grown woman. If she feels like your aunt is asking too much or taking advantage, that is up to her to handle.

mlee116 · August 2014

Yep, in my area, the grandmother co-hosting a baby shower is fine (although the mom hosting a bridal shower is still a no-go from what I've heard lately, lol). And personally, I wouldn't bat an eye at anyone except for the mom-to-be hosting it.

krystrist2014 · August 2014

I honestly had no idea there was an etiquette about who should or should not host the baby shower. I don't live near any family and have very few friends where I live. My closest girl friends - college friends - up in Canada are planning on going down to my Mom's house to host one for me... still not sure who will technically end up being the host (Mom? or Friends? but Im just letting them figure it out). And I will likely have another shower, since a friend in my office has already expressed how she really wants to host one for me with all the women from the office. Then my best friends (from Middle School thru High School) who live out in California wanted to do something for me when I go out there for my cousins wedding in October. Lol. So my shower situation is a bit of a mess in general but I just don't care - I am letting friends/family do what they want.

allonsyalonso · August 2014

I'm with everyone who said they didn't know there was etiquette regarding who hosted. My mother and MIL hosted mine. In general, people in my area don't seem too concerned with shower etiquette as a general statement.

blessdtxas · August 2014

@eora3 - I hear you!

my mom is a big push over and way too generous. I think it's one of her best and worst qualities.

Sounds like it's not the biggest deal etiquette wise, so I'm going to let them work it out

vintagejjane · August 2014

My mom hosted mine. I didn't know that was a no-no in some areas. I wouldn't get involved with who is hosting and just go with it.

Drgn30 · August 2014

Eora3 said:

Honestly, you should probably stay out of it. Your aunt is hosting and your mom is helping so there is no breach of etiquette. Also, your mother is a grown woman. If she feels like your aunt is asking too much or taking advantage, that is up to her to handle.

this

swhitis · August 2014

Bridal shower etiquette says that the mother should not host a shower, but I have never heard that about baby showers. Almost every baby shower I have attended has been hosted by one of the grandmothers-to-be. I would let them work it out.

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

There are so many rules and I don't know any of them. ::shrug:: I wouldn't worry about it. No matter who decides to give it to you, it's a gift. And if your mom admits to being saddled with all the work make sure she gets a special treat from you later (like a nice dinner out) that your aunt can't share. That's what I would do at least.

Saintelizabeth · August 2014

Where I'm from (upstate ny) it's pretty much given that the mom or MIL hosts bridal and baby showers. I had never known it to be a faux pas it some parts of the country until now.

I agree with everyone and let your mom and aunt work it out. GL!

nolanova85 · August 2014

I agree with others that it can be regional. I also agree with some others who have posted that I think rules for bridal showers are stricter than for baby showers. I think you're fine.

QueenOfSpades622 · August 2014

Drgn30 said:

Eora3 said:

Honestly, you should probably stay out of it. Your aunt is hosting and your mom is helping so there is no breach of etiquette. Also, your mother is a grown woman. If she feels like your aunt is asking too much or taking advantage, that is up to her to handle.
this

I third this. Exactally what I was going to say.

JRod13 · August 2014

My mom hosted my baby shower with my son...I had no idea some people thought it was a no no. If it were me, I'd let the 2 ladies deal with it and just enjoy the gracious act of them throwing the shower. It's not something you should be stressing yourself over.

perfectlove09 · August 2014

I think you've already figured it out by now but I wanted to add that i don't think it's a big deal. Ppl get really up in arms over who's hosting what but honestly if it's something that needs "googled" to verify then there's a good chance that it doesn't really matter.

I know some don't like to hear this, and it's not me just saying this to get out if etiquette ( I do think it's important) but traditions change. That's all there is to it. It used to be etiquette/tradition for fathers to trade goats for their daughters lol...hardly ever comes up nowadays

Besides all of that. Your mom only asked about your guest list...no one would ever even know she hosted it unless she put on the invite "hosted by MTB mother". And even then...what's so wrong about that? Her daughter is having a child and the shower is to welcome her into motherhood. Why wouldn't a mother want to do that for her own daughter

ssebens · August 2014

My husband's aunt hosted my bridal shower but my MIL is co-hosting my baby shower because (as she says) "It is my first grand baby and I want to be involved!" Lol

I think with the baby shower it's all about the baby, not so much the parents (unlike a wedding shower) so it is just grandma throwing a party to celebrate their grandchild. Since my kid is going to be super spoiled by both sets of grandparents, this just seems par for the course to me!!!

blessdtxas · August 2014

Yall are awesome! Thanks for all the advice. I think you are all spot on

I'm going to let them deal with it and just be grateful. My mom IS a grown woman and can handle it herself.

@gradschoolmom1234 - thanks for the article! that is really helpful

zrod2037 · August 2014

FTM from texas and my sisters and best friend are hosting mine. When my sisters had their children I hosted theirs. I guess everyone is different. Hope it all works out for you.

soulcupcake · August 2014

I never concerned myself with what makes for proper etiquette, and it seems to vary based on region or culture.

My mom and aunt hosted my shower for my eldest, and the wives of my ex-husband's unit hosted a surprise shower. This time, my MIL has talked about wanting to do something. We shall see.

Heidig14 · August 2014

When I saw this post all I could think was about taking a shower. I was thinking where on earth do you take your showers that you need to be worried about etiquette?

brittandjp · August 2014

Honestly, I've never heard of parents hosting being a bad thing. So, perhaps it's regional? I've been to several where the mother hosted. My mom and MIL hosted my shower for DD. They asked pretty much right after I told them I was pregnant and with it being a first grandchild on both sides, they weren't even really asking! I'm pretty sure it went something along the lines of, "Ohmygosh! You have to let us host your shower!" I wasn't going to tell them no and they did a wonderful job.

While I tend to be a stickler about a lot of etiquette topics, there are some things that are just nbd in my opinion. Seeing as how I never even heard of this issue, it happens to be one of them.

My BFF is hosting a little luncheon sprinkle with just my girlfriends (10 people) to celebrate this baby. I'm not registering. Gifts are not expected. This is our second girl. ::gasp!:: I'm sure I'm going to hell for this. 8-|

My point is, you're perfectly fine! Your mom wants to help out, let her. I think it's worse, etiquette wise, for you to get involved either way. I highly doubt people are going to hear your mom is helping the host and forgo coming to your party. Tell your friend to shut it. Enjoy your shower!

ColoradoBoat · August 2014

Honestly, unless your last name is Bush, Clinton, or Kennedy, who cares? If someone wanted to host a shower for me every day until baby is born, the more the merrier. As a westerner with a bunch of West Coast friends, I've been to couple's showers with all sorts of people invited. Two of my guests are a gay couple. How lucky I feel that so many people want to celebrate the birth of my child. What an honor.

I'd tell your co-worker to mind her own business. Love is love, and if your mom wants to help with the shower, that's awesome.

ebilbao · August 2014

I wouldn't want anyone other than my mom to host. I think it's an imposition on anyone else. I would also agree with PPs-let your Mom and aunt duke it out if necessary. As long as you aren't hosting your own shower, don't worry about it.

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