How did you know?

purplehaze11 · August 2014

Hi all, I've been lurking a bit to get a feel for the board- I just am curious as to how you knew when if was time to pursue the adoption process? My DH and I are currently talking it out as a possibility due to a couple of losses. Thank you!

Dr.Loretta · August 2014

Welcome! This is a great, supportive board.

I think for everyone it's different when they know, even between couples. We didn't want to pursue much in the way of fertility treatments, and we had 3 early losses within 18 months. I realized at some point I just wanted to be a mom, and a baby didn't have to come out of me for that to happen. Once I started researching, I was really excited.

DH was about 6 months behind me. He had to mourn the loss of a genetic connection, and he was concerned about how invasive the home study would be. He was open to attending informational seminars and walking through a home study scenario when calling agencies. He also wanted the $ available for us to start. Once he sorted it all out, he was fully on board.

lorifromwi · August 2014

It took 3.5 years of trying and two MC before my husband was ready to seriously talk about potentially adopting. We were a bit older and knew we didn't have forever to start our family, we decided that the most important thing to us was to become parents, not the process of childbirth or having the genetic connection...we had/ have a lot of love to give.

We were not done with our infertility treatments, so we couldn't go after DIA or IA at the same time due to costs. That's when DH brought up foster to adopt.

I think it's very common for partners to be in different places when they start these conversations and it's important to let each person have their time to come to terms with what they want and are comfortable with.

Good luck in your conversations, they can be intense, but well worth the outcome!

mindaa · August 2014

Dr.Loretta said:

DH was about 6 months behind me. He had to mourn the loss of a genetic connection, and he was concerned about how invasive the home study would be. He was open to attending informational seminars and walking through a home study scenario when calling agencies. He also wanted the $ available for us to start. Once he sorted it all out, he was fully on board.

I don't mean to hijack this thread but Dr.Loretta would you mind sharing a little bit about what this grieving process looks like for a man?

I recently went through this (grieving) myself. As in your case, DH is a bit behind me and I've been wondering what to expect when he gets to the same point. I'm sure it will be a different experience for him, but how? And how can I best support him? TYIA!

purplehaze11 · August 2014

Thank you for your responses everyone. These losses suck, and I'm not sure how much more we can take, but we don't feel like our family is complete. I think we will TTC for at least the rest of the year (once I recover from this loss), and re open the discussion next year if need be. Until then. I will probably be lurking

nots0patientlywaiting · August 2014

My H and I are generally the odd ones out in convos like these. We just always knew. We never tried to have bio children - the desire just wasn't there for me to carry a child and thankfully he was on the same page.

This is our first time with foster care though. We started classes several years ago and the timing just wasn't right for us. Then we started again about a year ago, and ended up buying a house in a different county so we had to start classes here instead.

Cst2CstBride · August 2014

We had TTTC and after 1.5 years of trying got DD through IUI + Clomid. During IF we had decided that we probably wouldn't do IVF and would move to adoption.

DD was born at 27 weeks due to severe pre-e, HELLP and IUGR. I was dx with a genetic clotting disorder that probably caused the pre-e to happen so early. We were given a 50% chance of it happening again...if I managed to get pregnant again. So, we were done. It was too high of a chance for a bad outcome for a baby and I couldn't knowingly put another baby through that.

Having talked about adoption early help us know we were ready to make the decision.

sugardumpling · August 2014

I have always planned on fostering and adopting. I also planned on giving birth to some babies too. After the last loss I was terrified of becoming pregnant a 4th time. So we let years lapse. Then our parts stopped working. Private adoption was too expensive and fostering to adopt is our final attempt at building a family. 10 years ago my husband was not on board. 3 years ago we started the conversation. Last year we took the MAPP classes and were certified in spring. We were placed with first child soon there after and he is sleeping soundly upstairs. I am sorry for your losses. I hope you find your path to parenthood soon.

CeCe8579 · August 2014

We tried for 1.5 years with 2 IF treatments. We also had 2 losses. We knew I had IF issues but finding out my DH had MIF that helped make our decision. We talked about adoption from day 1 knowing I had IF. As far as grieving, my DH grieves by distancing himself and being snappy. My best advice is to talk about it, take classes or read as much as possible and listen to your hard. List the pros and cons and weigh those out. That really helped us solidify our decision. Hugs and good luck!

nlscroggins · August 2014

I've known for a while that adoption was a wonderful option because I have a miracle niece who was adopted. She is 8 now, and the apple of my eye. I guess you could say I have just always been open to it as a family-building option for me.

As far as making the decision personally, my husband and I set a time frame on our infertility treatments as kind of a "what if this doesn't work" scenario. We knew our limits were if we ever got to the point where IVF was our only option (and it is), we would begin the adoption process. We took some time to make sure we were making the right choice, and feel we are. We've never really looked back since then.

wds · August 2014

To sum up my experience : we were told we both had fertility issues and needed to do IVF if we wanted to conceive. My Dr saw no point on any other treatments. We went to IVF orientation to learn about it, knowing adoption was also on the table. After the seminar, neither of is had any desire to pursue IVF. It was a big emotional and financial investment with no guarantees as far as we were concerned. There were many other things we weren't crazy about with it. We quickly agreed that adoption was best for us.

oliv0026 · August 2014

My husband and I always wanted to adopt a child. The idea ws to have a genetic one and an adopted, we never knew that adoption would be pretty much our only option thought. We had to go though a lot and we got just tired of every month getting negative pregnancy test no matter what we did. Every month we both would look at the test and hug each other crying, We just got tired of it. One day a friend of mine, who is now adopting a daughter, told me something that is very much true. She said that when you go through the IF treatment, you are just doing your best and hoping it will work without knowing what the end results would be. With adoption, you know at the end, you will be parents. There will be a child at the end no matter what,

That allowed me to be happy and excited again because now I know, one day, eventually, we will be parents. I guess I am very lucky that my husband is on board since the beginning, but I think this is due to him being very involved in the IF process and suffering the disappointments just as much as I did.

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