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July 2014 Moms
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Feeling guilty and pretty upset with myself

abrazzabrazz member
in July 2014 Moms
I keep trying to remember what DS #1 was like at this age and I realized I have very few memories of him at this stage.  I am so frustrated because I have a ton of my daughter.  I keep looking back at pictures and they help jog my memory.  I told my mom and she thinks it's because of how much I was working.  I was home 8 weeks and then went back.  I think since I was working 8's (and on call a lot) instead of 12's, I just had less time with him.  Whatever the reason, it is tearing me up.  I feel like a terrible mother.  I am going to be PRN and will have more time at home with the baby.  I just hope I gave DS #1 enough love when he was little.  I got to rock him to sleep last night and I just kept kissing his head and telling him how much I love him.  I sound like a crazy person lol.  Any STM+ moms feel the same way? 

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Re: Feeling guilty and pretty upset with myself

  • SkeemerSkeemer member

    Yeah I felt this way also with DS. I had post partum depression during my maternity leave with him & I sometimes feel like the whole maternity leave (I didn't know I had PPD until after I went back to work. Then I began Zoloft & that tremendously helped) was just wasted because I was so fatigued & depressed. I didn't know up from down. I think as parents we all regret some things that we've done or didn't do for our little ones.

    But we have to try to separate the facts from the feelings to put things in perspective. The facts are that even though you were working, your son was well loved & taken care of. And now that you realize you'd like to make more memories, you can focus on going forward to do more things now. During this maternity leave with DD I've tried to do something special with DS once or twice a week. Just going to the splash pad or park for a little while & him getting all of my attention has done my heart a world of good.

    Be easy on yourself mama. You did the best you could with what you had to work with at the time. Just go forward & love your babies to the best of your ability. ((hugs))


        




     

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  • abrazzabrazz member

    Skeemer I'm going to try and give the older two each their "own" time like you do with your son.  I know we need it.  Thank you for the support.  I just think I was so busy and really he was getting around pretty quickly.  By 3 months he was holding himself up in the walker and pushing himself around backwards.  He walked fairly early as well.  He may just have been less needy than DD was as a baby.  I'm sorry you went undiagnosed for so long with your son.  My first pediatrician did a postpartum depression screening at the well baby visits.  I thought it was a great tool.  My current one does not though. 

     Lori_n_Lior  I agree with the sleep deprivation.  It's almost like being in survival mode.  My first two are around the same age difference as yours and I do remember being extremely tired. 

     rheard3582   Rhett is our last baby and I am really trying to enjoy everything with him and just try and relax.  I don't want to forget this time and am writing things down about him and the other two. 

            

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  • marsalisailsmarsalisails member
    rheard3582 said:

    With DS1 I was so shell shocked &sleep deprived. I just kept praying for the next phase. I wanted him to sleep longer, I wanted him to take longer stretches between nursing. I wanted a resemblance of my old life. I realized I didn't enjoy each phase like I should have. Constantly reading books and watching DVDs for the magic solution.

    This time I am really just enjoying every stage. Not that I would not love more sleep or free time. But I know it will come and fast. Plus this is 99% likely our last one. So I may never have a 5 week 1 day old baby again.

    I was like this exactly with DS. Avelina is only 2 weeks old, but i already feel like I'm some semblance of myself already, whereas with DS I felt isolated and frustrated with how much everything changed (even my own thoughts! ).

    I had just been laid off when I was pregnant with him, so I spent the WHOLE YEAR after he was born extremely stressed out either trying to find a job or arguing with unemployment and continually getting my ass kicked by the government for trying to get project work from former clients while I was looking.

    I feel like my time at home was spent stressed and distracted.

    BUT...He's such a lovely kid, and we'll adjusted, and HAPPY. As long as your kids are happy it doesn't matter - they don't remember that time at all - your kids love you to bits. Don't torture yourself with the whole "hindsight 20/20" thing. You did your best at the time with the conditions you had to work with. We all did. All we can do is learn and move forward :)

     

     

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  • iris427iris427 member
    My older kids' first years are a blur too, especially my first child's. Don't beat yourself up--your child was loved and cared for, even if you can't remember all the details now, and that's what matters.
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    Big sister {September 2008} Sweet boy {April 2011} Fuzzy Bundle {ETA July 2014}

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