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Babies on the Brain
ambernini
member
Overzealous Grandma
ambernini
member
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with my mother lately, She recently told me "I WILL be in the delivery room when you have the baby!" (in a demanding voice) and that basically my husband needs to be okay with that because he doesn't have a choice. She is also putting pressure on me to allow her in on the anatomy ultrasound because she's dying to be one of the first to know the sex of the baby and wants to throw this major gender reveal party and invite all these people and they can bring a certain kind of gift to that party and a certain kind of gift to the shower! Gender reveal party idea, I like, but only for immediate family and a few friends who care to come and NO GIFTS are expected! She doesn't like my idea and says I ruin everything!! She's going ahead and buying things without my opinion for input because she likes it and wants me to use it which is nice of her and saves us money, but I'd like to choose the diaper bag I'm going to carry around for the next few years!! I just feel like she's attempting to take control over everything and it's not her place to. I've tried to be sensitive to her feelings and calmly let her know that this is my husband's and my time to enjoy these things together, intimately as a couple and then share with family, but she insists on getting her way and has become quite pushy and very annoying. She also has this evil laugh when she says she hopes it's a girl because she knows my husband wants a boy. SMH. Anyone else having these issues and any wisdom you can share is appreciated.
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Re: Overzealous Grandma
@ambernini
I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this!! You're absolutely right that this should be an experience for you and your DH! Have you had a chance to sit down with her and express your feelings calmly?
I know she's your mother and all, but you're going to have to stand up for yourself and nip this in the butt ASAP. It will be easier to lay down the 'rules' before baby is here...
she got to do things her way when she was pg with you - this is YOU and your DH's baby.... you have the right to make your own decisions and you NEED to ask her for that RESPECT! Make it clear to her that you don't want her to love you or baby any less, she just needs to learn to respect your decisions, privacy and space. You only get to experience having your first born one time. enjoy it!!!!!!
Please let me know how you make out talking with her!!! xxo
She is probably very excited and wants to be involved. But, she is going about it in the wrong way. If parties aren't your thing, maybe ask for her help in other areas. Maybe she is good at crafts. Maybe give her a craft idea (such as knit a blanket or sewing something for baby) to keep her occupied and feeling involved.
But, believe me, you need to start setting boundaries now. Otherwise, it will just snowball from there. I have a boundary stopping MIL and learned the hard way after having my first DD. It caused hurt feelings and a little resentment. Thankfully by the time I had my DD2, she was a lot better.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
i agree with everyone that has posted before me. set your boundaries sooner rather than later, because it will get worse. be clear with your thoughts - my dh and i were in the room when we conceived and we will be the ones in the room when the baby is born, other than the medical staff/doula. if you plan on taking pictures/video you can tell her you will show her those (not all of course, but some) because she may be interested in how everything was set up, facial expressions, etc.
start your registry now. you can update online from most places, and refer to that when talking with her. "oh did you see i found a cute printed crib sheet that will match what dh and i chose for the nursery." or "in the mom group i am apart of has highly recommended this product over that one due to a specific reason." you can always return what she gets you if its not what you had in mind. hopefully she would be happy for you wanting you to use something instead of it sitting in a closet, and maybe she wouldn't remember that she got it for you. or direct her to getting clothes, often can't go wrong (too badly) on those, unless its completely wrong size for the season.
how was she when she was pregnant with you or any siblings? some family of mine were lower income than they are now so they are embracing family being pregnant and spoiling them.
as for the anatomy scan, were you planning on finding out or waiting? if you didn't want to do a gender reveal with lots of people. make plans with close ones that you want to tell (don't tell them you are inviting others, they will just all show up) and share the way you want to and then if you are announcing to everyone else via facebook or mass text do that while everyone else is there, or you at least told all the ones you wanted to before it went completely public. once everyone knows, there is no need for her to throw a gender reveal party and "expect gifts"
and as someone else stated, give her something to do. it will help her feel apart of this. if doing a belly cast later on, maybe invite her to come help? maybe go get mani/pedi's together? knitting/sewing a blanket.
Also, while you can let the medical staff be your bad guy for delivery, you really need to put on the big girl undies and have a few conversations with your mother, adult to adult, about boundaries. Her lack of boundaries clearly won't start and end in the delivery room so please don't expect these issues to just work themselves on their own.
It doesn't have to be offensive to tell her "we've decided the ultrasound to be just between DH and I" and "we have already decided delivery will be private; we will call you when the baby has arrived and I am ready for visitors." Be firm but to the point that there is no room for debate.
You need to have a serious talk with her. Let her know how this is affecting you. Let her know your feelings on this. Let her know you love her and respect her and that you are thrilled with how excited she is, but that you are in control here, not her.
Stand your ground, be loving, but firm. If she chooses not to handle it well, that is on her.