Not cool Facebook (loss mentioned)

chicagojackie · July 2014

Edited. Apparently this post about how Facebook put up a random ad and it was a trigger for me is offensive to some of the other moms. So in deference to their feelings we will drop it.

Eliz77 · July 2014

((HUGS)) same thing happened to me this morning before I fully woke up.

footprint · July 2014

Happened to me last night - had me bawling

I'm sorry you had to see it.

Sorry if this posts twice. The Bump is being weird.

peggels24 · July 2014

Oh my goodness - I'm so sorry

((hugs))

Samuelismomma · July 2014

Wow! So sorry you seen that! My feed is being bombarded with images from gaza too:( seen a toddler dead! I got so upset I threw up:(....some things need to be ask before post is allowed:(

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Oh my gosh, me too! The one I saw had a warning atop a big wall of text, so I kind of knew what was coming. I had to quickly scroll down past the images though, because truly I did not want to see.

chicagojackie · August 2014

It wasn't meant to be a slam to the moms who have lost babies and have pics, as stated in the original post.

The issue is that there is no warning on Facebook and to be totally unprepared for that was difficult. The babies are beautiful. They should be remembered and memorialized and talked about and looked at. However, just not randomly on Facebook where people who are pgal and/or have a high risk pregnancy and/or are in a sensitive time may need to avoid. When I'm not in the middle of my high risk pregnancy I can look at those pics all day. I also didn't post and will not post my pregnancy all over Facebook out of sensitivity to my friends who are TTC(AL) or have suffered loss(es).

Even in our loss communities we give warnings just like in the title of this post.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

@aragosta‌ & @rsigler‌ You both are right, thank you for putting it into perspective. ((Hugs))

chicagojackie · August 2014

It wasn't a mom with her pics! It was an advertisement for a photographer that does this work. I have total compassion for the loss moms. I was just explaining/venting to a group of people who would understand that this came up abruptly and it was upsetting.

And you're right I'm staying outta Facebook now. Not because of my friends that have had losses but because of that ad.

I'm sorry if anyone's feelings were hurt or they felt their losses were minimized, this was not my point or intention obviously. I have tried to clarify multiple times what happened.

jess123456 · August 2014

I have been reading over this thread and it really upset me. I have thought about not posting and I know you have already heard from others about this and I realize that you had absolutely no intention of hurting anyone but I had to say something. Please know that I mean absolutely no snark in saying this it is just coming from my heart and I have no intention of hurting your feelings because I believe your intentions meant no harm.

I understand that triggers can be difficult and by all means having experienced a loss of any kind can obviously make that happen. However, this is a loss community made up of some ladies who have sadly walked in the shoes of those you see on Facebook with late term babies who have passed away. Regardless of how you feel about what is right or wrong about posting I don't think this is the proper venue to address these opinions. What I love about this community is that it feels like a safe place to come and talk about what it's like to experience being pregnant after loss and while we have all experienced loss each one of our stories is going to be different. I think I am not alone in saying that having gone through loss we learn to have so much compassion for others and I have realized that by judging someone from the outside we have no idea what has happened in their lives. I understand that the Facebook post was for a photography business and not a mom but regardless I don't believe that this type of post is a proper venue for addressing comments of whether or not she should have posted the photos.

Sorry for rambling here and again the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone's feelings either but I just needed to address this. I think that there are plenty of other ways that we can discuss dealing with triggers.

chicagojackie · August 2014

@jess123456‌ thank you for your post and thoughtful comments. Just wondering, what do you feel is the proper venue to say this sort of thing? Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

I wouldn't have posted this on the mc/loss board but this is pgal and there are other moms for whom this type of thing has happened and felt overwhelmed,etc-as above. Regardless of when any of us had our loss we deserve support especially when pregnant.

Also. The point was not whether or not the ad was appropriate but rather that I was caught off guard and was upset. This post was not supposed to be or intended to be an affront to the late loss community, rather just highlighting the fact that sensitivities have changed. This is my first pregnancy AL.

With friends of mine who I am friends with on FB too, I don't feel off guard or upset by the pics of their kids obviously. I went to the hospital and to the wakes and spend time in their homes-I know what to expect there.

I'm sorry you and others were upset-I would never hurt anyone intentionally and just trying to clarify!

I also edited my OP above so others are not hurt. I got the support I needed from the first few ladies and it is not worth upsetting folks.

jess123456 · August 2014

@chicagojackie Thanks so much for writing back. I think the nature of the online forums is that we don't know what shoes everyone has walked in and also in written form things can come out differently than intended. I think it's so helpful that we can talk about our triggers on this board as we can probably all relate to them but I guess for me personally when it's about opinions about something that might upset someone that maybe venting to a friend or someone who I know on a more personal level might be better. Again, I meant no harm by saying this either but just wanted to speak from my heart. Hugs to you. I know triggers are really hard.

ngolimento · August 2014

I'm sorry that feelings were hurt in this thread. I think both sides have valid points, and can see where ChicagoJackie was so far away from intending to hurt people that she didn't even see a link between parents posting pictures of their children, and a corporation posting deceased children as an advertisement.

((hugs to everyone))

chicagojackie · August 2014

Peledreamsofrain said:

I'm sorry that feelings were hurt in this thread. I think both sides have valid points, and can see where ChicagoJackie was so far away from intending to hurt people that she didn't even see a link between parents posting pictures of their children, and a corporation posting deceased children as an advertisement.

((hugs to everyone))

This.

chicagojackie · August 2014

mamato3boys said:
PAL lurker here. I love to check on my PgAL mamas and see how you are all doing :-h I read this last night and wasn't able to respond. I just wanted to send some ((hugs)) to @aragosta . I'm a fellow October mama, but never introed on the Oct board, just lurked. So I know your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, sweetie. And ((hugs)) to @rsigler. You know I love you, lady!! I'm sorry any of this hurt you.
OP, I completely understand how that can be a trigger when your PgAL. ((hugs)) Yet, I cringed when I first read your post, because my first thought was the late loss mamas and how they would feel reading that your opinion is their babies, and the only pictures they have of them, should only be shared with a warning or not on Facebook. The pics I've seen on TTCAL and PgAL siggys always make my heart hurt for those women, but I always think what beautiful babies they were. Those women deserve the right to show them off just like I do pics of my littles.
I loved what Aragosta said about awareness and making this less taboo. I'm sure to some sharing about my losses are a trigger too, but I never feel the need to pretend I did not carry and love my children so as not to offend someone else.
I understand you meant no harm, however, I think it really helps to consider your audience.

I never once said or suggested that MOMS should not post pictures of their kids. It was an AD from a company. I never said the moms shouldn't have pics in their sigs of their babies, either. I don't think any of us should pretend we didn't have the babies we lost at any point.

I don't appreciate your lecture above when I didn't say any of the above in this thread or in any other. I took down the original post so everyone could calm down. I have apologized. I won't be starting any threads for a long time since this has been a total cluster with unnecessary hurt feelings, etc.

What else would you like me to do? I honestly want to know.

chicagojackie · August 2014

"@chicagojackie I'm sorry if it came across as a lecture. I was just thinking of the late loss mamas. I truly am sorry it was a trigger for you. Also, I hate to see you avoid starting threads. This is a great community full of support don't let a couple differing opinions chase you off.

I know you never suggested people should not have pics in their siggys. I was simply stating my opion on how beautiful their LOs are. The highlighted above is what I took as you saying loss pics should not be just randomly posted on Facebook, not necessarily just the company ad."

I see how that statement I made above could be confusing. The random ads were the problem. Friends' babies or TB sigs or whatever I guess don't upset me because they are personal and all moms have the right to share.

The "stock photos" from that photog seemed impersonal and detached from the families/moms somehow. I also have conflicting feelings about people profiting from loss situations. Our hospital offers photography for free in these situations. No money required. They have a whole ministry and outfits and blankets and everything for the moms which is how it should be I think.

While I think it's good to get the word out about specialty birth photographers besides "now I lay me down to sleep" it just caught me off guard and alerted me to a sensitivity I didn't know was there necessarily.

Either way all of this has been a very interesting and thought provoking discussion. I appreciate the dialogue and am trying to not feel so butthurt, lol I'm nowhere near GBCB haha.

Eta: quote fail mobile bumping

dragonfly1809 · August 2014

starmile said:
@aragosta and @rsigler I'm so glad y'all said this. I've been thinking it all day but didn't know how to appropriately word my response so I've kept quiet. (((HUGS))) to you both.

This. ...and the comment above about relieving the taboo on these photos.

Every day I open FB to see photos of mutilated and abused animals, I cringe, hate seeing it, turn away, scroll fast.., but people keep posting them and sharing them.
A photo of a lost child is so incredibly special..., no one should take away a parent's right to post it.

As a photographer, I've been thinking about volunteering for the service. It's so important for these parents, and I think as a loss mom I can honestly capture what's important.

There is a lot of hard to see stuff on FB, but I don't think these special images are.

OP, I'm sorry you were triggered negatively. I know that's never easy.

chicagojackie · August 2014

dragonfly1809 said:

starmile said:
@aragosta and @rsigler I'm so glad y'all said this. I've been thinking it all day but didn't know how to appropriately word my response so I've kept quiet. (((HUGS))) to you both.
This. ...and the comment above about relieving the taboo on these photos.

Every day I open FB to see photos of mutilated and abused animals, I cringe, hate seeing it, turn away, scroll fast.., but people keep posting them and sharing them.
A photo of a lost child is so incredibly special..., no one should take away a parent's right to post it.

As a photographer, I've been thinking about volunteering for the service. It's so important for these parents, and I think as a loss mom I can honestly capture what's important.

There is a lot of hard to see stuff on FB, but I don't think these special images are.

OP, I'm sorry you were triggered negatively. I know that's never easy.

I don't think we should compare the topic of deceased humans to "mutilated and abused animals". I think that's a poor example in this thread and in poor taste.

I also never said anyone shouldn't be able to post their pictures. It was an Ad!!!

It's rude to lecture and then offer me some half baked apology at the end so you can seem like you're giving support. You're grandstanding. You don't think anyone should be upset or alarmed by these pictures ever.

I am so done being ganged up on and lectured to. Anyone else who wants to make the points that have already been made, don't.

I also stand behind and support the late loss moms (and the Early loss moms and the moms who lose full grown children, husbands, family members, whatever). This post was about a pgal trigger in a place I thought would understand.

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