Dealing with In-laws

jenn412t · July 2014

I'm having a hard time dealing with my in-laws, mainly my MIL. I love her dearly, but I just get overwhelmed by her very easily. She always seems like she's "on". Our daughter is 5 weeks old and my MIL is in town visiting for 2 weeks. I'm still on maternity leave, so I'm home with her all day, while my husband is working. For the most part things have been ok. She'll sit with our daughter if she's fussy or if I need to take a shower or make dinner. That I am thankful for. But at times, I feel like she over steps her bounds. The other day she asked if I wanted her to feed my daughter a bottle. As I'm nursing (which she knows) I told her no, that I save the pumped milk for when we are out of the house. (As she will be going to daycare in a few weeks, I've also been storing milk for this reason.) Later that evening, she asked if I ever have my husband feed her a bottle. I said not generally, since I'm nursing. She commented that it would be nice if he could do that so he could bond with her. I felt like she was being very passive aggressive, but just let it go. Yesterday, I was playing with my daughter in her nursery. My MIL came in and said that she was going to go for a walk and asked if I wanted her to take my daughter with her. I said it was ok, that she didn't need to take her -mainly because I was in the middle of playing with her. Well, MIL never went for her walk. And I noticed that she'll constantly give my daughter her pacifier, even if my daughter is not being fussy. My daughter kept spitting it out, but my MIL would continue to give it back to her. I don't want her to use it constantly, and I try to use it only when she's fussy or to help her get asleep. Last night, I was trying to pump before my daughter woke up from her last nap. She woke up in the middle of me pumping and my MIL came into the nursery to change her diaper and then tried to have her go back to sleep. It was already after 8 pm so I needed to do her last feeding. I finally had to go out ad get my daugter so she wouldn't fall back asleep. I know these things may sound petty compared to others issues, but it really gets to me sometimes. Some of this is from my own emotions and part jealousy because my parents can't be here to spend time with our daughter. I hate confrontations though, but know at some point I will need to address the pacifier or sleep issue. Advice for how to do this? Thanks!

BluepointToasted · July 2014

She is only there for two weeks. All of those things would drive me a little crazy too.....especially with post-part hormones! Nothing she is doing sounds like she is trying to overstep her bounds though. I think she is trying to help. Just remember that she will be gone soon and you can do things your way. I wouldn't confront her and make waves when it will be over soon.

My MIL was very much like this when my ds was little. She had a comet not suggestion for EVERYTHING I did. That being said, I am the type of person who no way in hell would want anyone, even my own mother (especially my own mother), in my house "helping".

ETA: my MIL is much much better now. I think she finally realized that I am going to do things my own way and that my kid is turning out pretty good so far, so I must not be totally incompetent

[Deleted User] · July 2014

It sounds like she is trying to genuinely be helpful. It's a tough time to have extended houseguests. I was a raving bitch to my parents when they visited me at 2 weeks pp. Looking back, I realize it was just too overwhelming and not really their fault.

Hang tight.

theseaword · July 2014

Yeah, I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not really seeing an issue here. It sounds like she's trying to help you and trying to spend time with the baby. It sounds like you are silently seething over things and she probably has no clue she's annoying or offending you, or if she does, she probably doesn't know why.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

But it is important for dad's to find a way to bond. I really think it was an innocuous comment.

theseaword · July 2014

Even the bonding comment...unless there's more back story here or she continually pushed it, I would take that comment at face value and not assume it was passive aggressive. She probably remembers how wonderful it was to bond with a baby via feedings, and thought it would be sweet for her son to share that experience as well. You said no, and it appears she hasn't mentioned it again.

bensmommy518 · July 2014

So it honestly sounds to me like you are just being a little oversensitive, probably as you had pointed out in part due to you being upset that your own parents cant have the same time with your daughter that your MIL gets. Also PP hormones make us all a little crazy.

From what you have written here, it sounds like your MIL is just wanting to help and that you may not be clear enough with her on what your expectations are. Also I found out that there are some generational differences in child raising that need to be discussed with her.

1. She offered to give a bottle even though she knows you are nursing - Did she nurse becasue a lot of moms in our parents generation did not and dont fully understand nursing. Even if she did nurse she may not realize that you dont want her to have a bottle yet. She may be thinking that she needs to get used to having a bottle at some point if she will be going to daycare.

2. Passive aggressive comment about letting dad bottle feed to bond - Same as above. My mom nursed and still made this comment to me becasue in her experience, that WAS how dad bonded. When she was raising us, dad didn't get up in the middle of the night for diapers or any of the other ways dads are typically more involved now.

3. The walk (or lack thereof) - sounds to me like she wanted to spend some time with LO and either didn't realize you were playing or just wanted to give you a break. She probably didn't take the walk because the point of the walk was to hang with LO. I would just let that one go.

4. Pacifier issue - This can be completely resolved by explaining to her how and when you want the pacifier used. No confrontation needed, just clear communication. My MIL didn't understand why I didn't want to use the pacifier but she respected my decision once I explained it to her.

5. The nap/feed/bedtime thing - it honestly sounds like she was just trying to be helpful - she saw you were pumping, and you already told her not to give a bottle so she was just trying to take care of LO for you while you were busy. Again, clear communication here goes a LONG way. Communication does not equal confrontation.

BluepointToasted · July 2014

Well said @ScoutNumbers05‌

[Deleted User] · July 2014

BluepointToasted said:

Well said @ScoutNumbers05‌

per usual.

LaurelBee · July 2014

It sounds like at this point, she's just eating crackers for you. Everything she does is going to annoy you. My ILs used to annoy the fuck out of me. I actually started a journal about all the things they did to annoy me bc Dh and my mom were getting sick of me bitching. I'm serious when I say I hated them. My Ds is 4 now and I'm a lot more relaxed as far as parenting goes and have a better relationship with my ILs Bc of it.

I'm not saying you should relax. But just know that as you become more confident as a parent and your LO gets more independent, things will get immensely easier! Pick your battles, allow your Mil to give LO a bottle and take her for a walk, and foster a relationship with her. It's kind of awesome to see how much my kids love their grandparents and how much they love them! GL mama

Hesterlicious · July 2014

This is what works best for us MIL.
We have it covered MIL.
We are waiting to introduce bottles. DH can bond with the baby in many other ways.(Seriously why doesn't holding count? Why dos it always have to be feeding?)

I'm so glad my mom remembered that houseguests are more of a burden than a help. She stayed 2 days, made sure the house was clean and full of food and then left so we could bond as. a family.

Hesterlicious · July 2014

And I don't care what PP's say. If you don't want your newborn to be away from you you can absolutely say no to your MIL. Babies need their moms. They aren't a toy to keep MIL occupied. I honestly think she's over stayed her visit.

ASmallWonder · July 2014

CTGirl30 said:

Look, I know it's tough when you're getting your bearings as a brand new mom with a 5-week old baby and a relative staying in your house. Honestly, it just sounds like she is trying to help here. If you don't want your LO to have the paci, you'll need to be a little firmer with your MIL - "She doesn't seem to want it right now" - and take it away and put it away. End of story. You can be firm without being nasty about it.

Are you speaking up firmly and directly with your MIL so she hears you say in no uncertain terms, "I'd prefer her not to have the pacifier right now" or "Please don't put her back into her crib - I need to feed her before she goes to bed for the night."

I think you need to be very clear and direct with your MIL so there's no room for confusion. This isn't confrontation (very few people actually enjoy a true confrontation) - but as a parent, you will learn to pick your battles with well-meaning but sometimes pushy relatives. If it's not actually harming your child, I'd say let some of it go and let MIL take her for a walk or spend time with her - she's only there for 2 weeks and probably trying to soak up her grandma-time here.

I'm sorry your own parents can't be there, but try not to let that jealousy color the time your MIL gets to spend with your child. You may really miss her help when she is gone.

I wish I could "like" this more than once. It's spot on.

jenn412t · July 2014

Thanks everyone! I know I'm being really sensitive at the moment due to being a new mom and post-pregnancy hormones. Definitely want her to enjoy her time with her granddaughter and will need to be more firm with things I like or how she can help. And thanks for all he words of encouragement!

Hesterlicious · July 2014

CTGirl30 said:

Hesterlicious said:

And I don't care what PP's say. If you don't want your newborn to be away from you you can absolutely say no to your MIL. Babies need their moms. They aren't a toy to keep MIL occupied. I honestly think she's over stayed her visit.

@Hesterlicious, with all due respect (and I hate houseguests myself - my own ILs stayed 8 days when my oldest was 3mo old), I think this is a bit harsh.

I'm not saying kick her out. Houseguests can be a pain and 2 weeks is a long time especially when you are vulnerable after child birth and getting used to your new life. Baby should be the focus of Mom's worries. Not MIL.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Also, a big thumbs up to OP stepping back and thoughtfully reading our advice. This could have easily veered towards butthurt because we weren't all "That bitch!"

ASmallWonder · July 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

And I don't care what PP's say. If you don't want your newborn to be away from you you can absolutely say no to your MIL.
Absolutely agree.

I don't disagree but that didn't seem to be the issue. MIL asked to take her. OP DID say no, MIL opted not to go on the walk. Why this bothered the OP is anyone's guess? Did the MIL complain? No. Did she even comment? Not that OP indicated. So she was told no and then decided to change her mind and this bothered the OP which really points back to Scout's point that right now, there isn't a whole lot that doesn't bug a new mom.

theseaword · July 2014

MarlaSinger& said:
Also, a big thumbs up to OP stepping back and thoughtfully reading our advice. This could have easily veered towards butthurt because we weren't all "That bitch!"

Indeed. Bravo, OP.

ASmallWonder · July 2014

I guess I just don't view everything someone says as being so...personal? Or that people need to put SO much thought into the manner in which they ask for something when there's nothing rude about it the way they would normally say it, kwim? I'm getting angina over the idea of having to plan out how to speak to my future DILs because "can I take the baby for a walk" is brought to a group of people as somehow being inappropriate or not taking her feelings into consideration.

SpaceGirlSpiff · July 2014

To me it sounds like she's just trying to be helpful and it's just not jiving well with how you do things (which is common when someone else helps), but she doesn't mean any harm....and I agree with PPs who said at this point so soon postpartum it's so hard to not get annoyed/overwhelmed with pretty much everything and it's easy to be oversensitive. Take a deep breath and know the feelings are normal and this is temporary. Just grit through it. If she really does overstep or there's something you really need to get across to her, just be firm and direct...no need for an all out confrontation.

My own mother came to stay with us for 2 weeks when my DS was about 3 weeks old anddddddd it was pretty much my nightmare. I am just not one of those people who can gracefully handle the in house "helpers" even my own Mom (especially my own Mom actually), it stressed me out 10000x more than if I were just alone....but her personality can certainly be overwhelming even outside of the postpartum haze.

Next time around I will be ecstatic to have no in home "help". Come visit and say hi to the baby, a little light help here and there is appreciated (especially with my toddler), but no sleep over guests...Leave me alone, yo.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I was bsc 4 years post partum.

What?

SpaceGirlSpiff · July 2014

I'm still pretty BSC... almost 3 years PP

maggie515 · July 2014

My Bro's MIL stayed for 6mo. She was scheduling peoples "visitation" with the baby and wouldnt let us speak to the actual parents of the baby. Now, that is crazy town.
You've got lots of PP hormones running through you. Take a deep breath cause being a new parent is overwhelming enough, let alone hosting a visitor during all that. Maybe make a privet list of things you want done and would like her help with. Find kindness in all that she does and voice your thanks over it. You would be surprised at how you can turn your mood around with something as simple as giving a compliment to someone like your MIL.
Good Luck

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