Any Advice?

Misch · July 2014

I'm going to be 35, I have a 3 year old son and I know my husband wants a second child, more so, so our son has a sibling. I'm having a hard time trying to make a decision should I go for a second or not. I feel like over the last 3 years I've had more downs than ups. Being a stay at home mom has been very hard for me. I had a rough delivery and a rough recovery and was depressed for the first year, if not more. My husband and I went from never fighting (before we had our son) to constantly bumping heads and argueing. I feel like now, 3 years later I'm at a good place, in the swing of things and feel like if I start all over again it will just shake everything up again. I don't know what to do. Any advice? I'm truly torn. I think it's easy for my husband to say "let's have another one" when I'm the one who has to go through so much.

thechickencoop · July 2014

Have you sought treatment for PPD/PPA? Not saying that's it, but feeling like that for such an extended period can certainly mean something else is going on. Or even just speaking with a counselor can help you get any feelings of stress/anxiety/etc under control.

As far as another child, is a sibling the ONLY reason your H wants another kid? I don't know how I feel about that reasoning...BUT I think you should think about what YOU really want too. Do you want a larger family? (Looking at the big picture, just not, "do you want another baby"). Every baby/pregnancy/labor is different so I would try to keep that in mind. And there's nothing wrong with having just one child; BOTH parties really need to be on board for a second, otherwise you'll just end up miserable and resentful!

eaglesfan700 · July 2014

Do you want another child? I know you said you are scared of the upheaval, but do you really want another or is it more that your H does?

Are you still a SAHM? I personally would not have given up my career to have one kid.

FWIW, I had my 3rd at 41 a year ago and it has been challenging, she is very different from my other two. But I don't regret anything. Good luck with your decision

spring_time · July 2014

I don't have any advice other than I felt the same way. I was really happy with our life as a family of 3. DS was just finally starting to get easier and less demanding. The idea of starting all over again at the baby phase was daunting. If it were up to me, I probably would have waited a little while longer before trying for a second, but DH wanted the kids close together. I kind of "won" with a three year age difference, but I was still on the fence.

DD has been difficult. She is a challenging child. DS has also entered a difficult phase as a 4 year old. There have been challenging days, weeks, and months. However, I can't imagine our life without DD. Those feelings of nervousness and doubt do eventually pass. However, there were times, especially in the beginning, that I really resented sitting and nursing DD, while DH and DS got to go off and have fun. That initial loss of freedom is difficult.

I think you need to consider what you want your family to look like it 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. The first year is really rough, but it seems to get better. I have friends with children who are 4 and 7, and they that the years through toddlerhood are just a matter of survival. The joys of parenting really start coming into play as the kids get older.

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