"My Husband Won't Let Me"

DBride2006 · July 2014

I've seen a couple threads lately where gals have implied their SOs won't let them do something (drink NA beverages, eat sushi) and there have been some gals who jumped on that implying the would not let their SOs TELL them what to do.

While I can be downright stubborn and independent and righteous when necessary, I do feel like this is OUR baby and my husband gets an opinion in things that could affect the baby. For example, later in pregnancy, I honestly think it is probably safe to consume a SMALL amount of alcohol from time to time. However, both my husband and my doctor are in the "none is safe" camp, so we have decided I don't drink, at all, during pregnancy. DH also feels strongly that our children should be breast fed, so together we made the decision to commit to that for one year (and fortunately able to accomplish that with both DSs).

Now, he doesn't get to blindly boss me around (and I absolutely understand these may be considered burdens on ME that don't really affect him), but if it's important to him and he's researched it, I feel those are decisions we make together and he gets an opinion as it relates to our children.

So, let's discuss: "Your body, your decision" or "We're in this together"

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

lizzybean · July 2014

If it were "I dont think you should have 3 beers with dinner every night" I would accept that.

If it is "I dont want you having any sushi, even cooked" I would laugh in his face.

He respects me enough to know that I am doing right by our children and would never do anything to compromise their well being.

digwriter · July 2014

My husband wouldn't even consider telling me that I couldn't do something. Although it sometimes goes so far that he won't offer an opinion. Like I've asked if I should cut my hair and he just says it's up to me. In these situations an opinion would be nice.

boxerrrmama85 · July 2014

My body, my choice-- that said, I respect myself, my husband, and my baby enough to make well educated and researched choices about my decisions.

weansworld09 · July 2014

lizzybean said:

He respects me enough to know that I am doing right by our children and would never do anything to compromise their well being.

Exactly this.

Oem617 · July 2014

My husband knows I do the research on things. Sure if he would take the time to do the research himself, maybe he would have more opinions, but he trusts me to make the decisions. He trusts me to know what is right and wrong for myself and the baby. We both trust the doctor and value his opinion.

When people say "my husband doesn't let me" it makes me feel like that person is being controled. I am my own person and while I will listen to DH if he has an opinion, I make the decision on what I eat, what I wear, and what activities I do. Sorry if that upsets you, but that's the way it is.

chickyclg · July 2014

We do everything for whats best for the baby. I don't drink but I wasn't a big drinker in the first place during our 4 years of TTC. But some stuff we really bumped heads at first DH wouldn't let me do any cleaning or laundry, he doesn't let me lift more than 10lbs, it drove me crazy at first but now I accept that he is just doing everything for the babies.

as far as "Your body, your decision" we are very much "Our baby, mutual decision."

maltwin1 · July 2014

We are a team...through and through. If he has big decisions to make at work that could have an effect on his time with the family, we discuss it first. On the same point, if we have decisions to make about my day to day care of our child, we discuss that too. What is best for the health of our new baby is no different.

Also, I know he has anxieties about us having a safe and healthy baby as much as I do. If me not eating sushi or drinking organic milk or not having any alcohol helps ease his worries a little bit then that is something I'm happy to do. If he could do the same for me he would.

samanthajphoto · July 2014

I can't think of a single time in our marriage either of us has "let" or "not let" the other one do something.

We respect each other enough to have adult discussions, weigh the pro's and con's of our (mutual) decisions, and come to a conclusion together.

There is never a time that one of us controls the other or makes a decision for the other person.

I understand not all relationships are like that, but I'm very thankful for one that is.

lizjennings81 · July 2014

He knows I've done my research. If I feel hesitant about anything, I'll float it by him and ask him to do some research with me. Together, we'll make a decision. But day to day, he knows I'll make informed decisions that help me take care of this gal since we waited a good while for her to show.

He's much more in the business of easing my fears, too, so instead of blanket restrictions, he'll say, "So let's try to figure out what's best …" And we go from there.

HerHighness · July 2014

There has only been one time that my husband has told me i could not do something (and it involved taking my child on a very long road trip where i wouldn't be the one driving)

He knows how much research i do on the can/cants on pregnancy before i make the decision. Hes cool with whatever i decide.

mamabisme · July 2014

miniwheat10 said:
My husband trusts me to do what is best for me and our kids at all times. My body, my decision.

this!

jaztastic · July 2014

sugahcookie01 said:

The only things he won't let me do are chores that he's afraid could hurt me or the baby (using a certain cleaning product, vacuuming in the cat litter room etc). Those aren't things he's forbidding me from, though, they're things he's taking the burden of because he worries. He's never told me I can't eat/enjoy something. That would t fly!

This... Only things he won't let me do, are things he feels are strenuous. Everything else is simply us both being on the same page about something.

freegiraffe · July 2014

My husband would never tell me what to do or not do. He trusts me to know I've done the research and he knows I wouldn't do anything that would harm the baby. We are also in this together in the sense that we have conversations about our concerns so we can find an approach that we are both comfortable with. The first time I told him it was OK to eat sushi during the pregnancy, he was curious/interested because he had always heard pregnant people shouldn't eat sushi. I explained the facts/research and he agreed with me that it was fine. I bought the book "Expecting Better" by Emily Oster and we both read it, and so far we haven't run into any disagreements.

mishka29 · July 2014

I would love to say that its all my decision but we are a team and my DH is a crazy worry wort! He sees me as someone who likes to bend the rules and he has said that he thinks I'm being more carefree because its our second time.

All of his information has come from me at some point or other but he takes it and runs with it and constantly reminds me by saying things like 'is it worth it?' This annoys the crap out of me bc I feel like he doesn't trust me to grow a baby but I know he's just a crazy worrier so I just let it go or tell him next time he can carry the baby and shut up! Lol

krispy83 · July 2014

samanthajphoto said:

I can't think of a single time in our marriage either of us has "let" or "not let" the other one do something.

We respect each other enough to have adult discussions, weigh the pro's and con's of our (mutual) decisions, and come to a conclusion together.

There is never a time that one of us controls the other or makes a decision for the other person.

I understand not all relationships are like that, but I'm very thankful for one that is.

This, exactly.

He knows that I have done a lot of research about what is safe, unsafe and questionable during pregnancy. If he was concerned about something that I believed to be safe, or that was an old pregnancy myth he'd heard a bunch, he would bring it up in a conversation - "I am worried about you eating/drinking/doing X - can we talk about the research you've done on it?" DH knows that I value our children's safety and well-being far above my desire to have/do something that is unsafe.

But in general, we don't have the kind of relationship where we tell the other what to do.

PollyPositive · July 2014

My hubs knows I'm crazy and look anything and everything up. I would never do anything to potentially harm our child. As a FTM, I'm extra careful...within reason. He would never tell me what to do. He knows how well that would go over.

triplej9 · July 2014

DH knows I am a freak, and have done my research backwards and forwards. He knows that I am constantly doing my best for the baby and trusts my judgement. I am much more of a worrier than he is, so luckily I don't have to worry about him freaking out over little things.

However, this baby is ours, not just mine. If he did have an issue with something, I would 100% take his concern into consideration.

summerandmatt · July 2014

Like some PPs have said, we are a team. If DH feels strongly about something, I'm going to hear that. For example, he was super worried after our m/c, so when I got KU with DD2 he was very concerned with all the "pregnancy rules" and asked that I change some things. Even though some of them were myths, I knew it would ease his mind to cut out caffein, lunch meat, and sushi…So I did. He would do the same for me.

Luckily, this time around his worries have eased. Eat ALL the sushi

<:-P

mommadozer · July 2014

Ya, I am one reminding him of what I can't do. Haha. Sometimes he jokes that I shouldn't be doing something but, he knows I am researching all kinds of stuff. Sometimes, I try and get out of doing some chores but, he does not buy it.

jennjilljo · July 2014

My husband never tells me what to but will ask if it's safe or healthy. When it comes down to it it's my choice but the only time it ever happens is over quantity and quality of food. That being said I think it's important to remember that in some cultures men tell women what to do and women are happy in the role they play so we have to respect them and their culture.

psychobutthead · July 2014

DH doesn`t want me eating sushi or lifting anything.

This doesn`t really bother me. I wouldn`t eat sushi unless he went out with me for it anyway. The no lifting i nice because I just don`t want to deal with the fear of omg I lifted that is something bad going to happen.

smg2302 · July 2014

We're in this together. That said we trust each other so implicitly that when either of us is adamant about something the other usually rolls with it. Since this is out second go round we already know what we're comfortable with.

amt0312 · July 2014

DH definitely tells me his opinion, but he never forces it on me and understands that I have more knowledge in this area than he does, so I am often educating him. He does, however, bring up some excellent points or questions about pregnancy sometimes that I need to go research myself. Usually we discuss things together, but ultimately the decision is mine.

salbabe79 · July 2014

while yes some people who say 'he won't let me do that' are being controlled, I think for the most part it is a phrase that does not translate well written and among people who don't really know each other that well except in text. i could say that my husband wouldn't let me continue to catch on our softball team, even if that really meant that we talked about it thoughtfully and came to that decision together. but since none of you know me or my husband or have ever heard my voice, i don't think it is possible to know what is always meant.
that being said, most things are my decision, with his input although occasionally he's feelings on certain subjects are more strong than mine so i allow him to feel in control (aka "manly")

sunshine525 · July 2014

My husband said I can't go skydiving. Pshhh

Allie429 · July 2014

We discuss things together. The only time he tells me "I can't" is when he is mainly referring to things he would prefer me not to do-lift heavy things, clean if I am tired and not feeling well, etc. He knows if the doctor tells me not to eat/drink something-I am not going to. If there is ever a question, he asks and we research. As for the breastfeeding-he has no idea everything that goes into trying to feed baby in order to tell me I should do it. He knew with our DD that this was the route I wanted to go and would never tell me to do it or not to. He saw the struggles both her and I went through and we made the decision to formula feed and I would breast feed if she would take it (we made it until 7 months feeding 2-3 times a day until she wouldn't anymore). For this baby, he hasn't brought it up because he already knows I want to try breastfeeding again but if we struggle again, we are prepared.

mrsherr22 · July 2014

Same as @chickyclg‌ we tried for quite some time as well so now that I'm pregnant he is very adamant on no heavy lifting and no cleaning with harmful chemicals. We have finally agreed vacuuming is okay. But I find this to be a nice break. No shower cleaning for me, lifting heavy laundry baskets, or grocery bags.

CatLadyTX · July 2014

It is our baby,I am merely the incubation vessel. If DH felt strongly enough about something that he would ask me to refrain, I would respect his opinion and consider it. Ultimately, I think I would have the final say, but he deserves for his opinion to be heard, too.

empiregrl5 · July 2014

Am I the only one with a clueless husband? He doesn't have any ideas about what I should or shouldn't do....and he's not the type to tell me what to do anyways....so while we both know that this is "our" baby, he views this as "my" pregnancy and knows he will never fully know or experience what it is like to be the one carrying the baby....I love and respect him for this. We are in this together, but it is my body....I told him he he can carry the next one! Lol

Lchanek · July 2014

Mine said I can't have another tattoo, which; ok it did hurt!

He doesn't really tell me what to do, he trusts my judgement and goes along with most of what I say regarding the kids and our home life.

I must say that I'm the one who says no though. I mean, really? You're going fishing/hunting for the 4th day in a row!? What about a Mama break?

Beth.1212 · July 2014

chickyclg said:

We do everything for whats best for the baby. I don't drink but I wasn't a big drinker in the first place during our 4 years of TTC. But some stuff we really bumped heads at first DH wouldn't let me do any cleaning or laundry, he doesn't let me lift more than 10lbs, it drove me crazy at first but now I accept that he is just doing everything for the babies.

as far as "Your body, your decision" we are very much "Our baby, mutual decision."

You've got to do what feels right for you, of course, but I continued to cook, clean, and do laundry throughout my entire first pregnancy, and I think that staying active was helpful to me and the baby, not harmful. (Though I wasn't cleaning with crazy harsh chemicals or anything, just my normal cleaning products in well ventilated areas.) Keeping in shape can help prepare your body for labor and delivery. Endurance is a good thing :-)

DronkeyGal · July 2014

My body, my decision.

However, DH has driven me a bit crazy with this. The next time he asks me "are you sure you can eat that?" I'm going to flip a shit.

As I was putting a bite of Mac and cheese in my mouth at a restaurant (while 4 other people were with us) he mouths to me "can you eat that?!" OMG yes STFU. He sooo does not understand the unpasteurized vs. pasteurized cheese thing.

He also questioned if I could have half-caff coffee and a 5 cheese frozen pizza at the store. Lord.

maryxc1 · July 2014

I am much more conservative when it comes to what I think I should do during pregnancy than my husband, so it has never been an issue. In general, we try to discuss things but realistically there are certain areas of life that when we don't agree he makes the final call and others where I do.

schnitz9 · July 2014

With my husband and I, I know that he trusts my abilities to keep our child safe. We tried for several months and he know how badly i wanted to get pregnant and therefor wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. With that said when he makes the "should you be eating or doing that" comments I find them quite endearing as I know he is actually saying them out of genuine love and concern.

Cookie0875 · July 2014

My DH has never told me what to do. BUT, he is really annoying me with this, I'm not sure you should do that crap when it comes to some food. Like I really want sushi and some RARE steak! We will be discussing this more this weekend...

Now, the fact that he doesn't want me lifting anything heavy makes me very happy! I'm enjoying the break from carrying in groceries and heavy baskets of laundry. Also, it's now been proven to me I'm terrible at estimating weights. I never thought our end table would weigh almost 30 lbs...

psychobutthead · July 2014

empiregrl5 said:
Am I the only one with a clueless husband? He doesn't have any ideas about what I should or shouldn't do....and he's not the type to tell me what to do anyways....so while we both know that this is "our" baby, he views this as "my" pregnancy and knows he will never fully know or experience what it is like to be the one carrying the baby....I love and respect him for this. We are in this together, but it is my body....I told him he he can carry the next one! Lol

Mine can`t even remember how many seeks I am or what a trimester is. He only knows what he knows from what I've told him and what hes learned from his sisters pregnancy.

mishka29 · July 2014

salbabe79 said:
while yes some people who say 'he won't let me do that' are being controlled, I think for the most part it is a phrase that does not translate well written and among people who don't really know each other that well except in text. i could say that my husband wouldn't let me continue to catch on our softball team, even if that really meant that we talked about it thoughtfully and came to that decision together. but since none of you know me or my husband or have ever heard my voice, i don't think it is possible to know what is always meant.
that being said, most things are my decision, with his input although occasionally he's feelings on certain subjects are more strong than mine so i allow him to feel in control (aka "manly")

This! I'm guilty of saying DH won't let me but I don't mean he put his foot down and locked me in my room. We discuss, usually he is taking a myth and blowing it out of proportion but he's a worrier I let it go bc it's important to him.

Chcaggie1 · July 2014

My husband and I are a team. When we said our wedding vows, we both believe we became "one". Which means in all situations we should be operating as a unit and making decisions together. So if there's something I want to do, for example last week a massage, that he is uncomfortable with then we talk about it. If I can't convince him its safe (and last week I couldn't) then I don't do it. Its out of respect for him and love for my child. He does exactly the same thing with decisions in his life. He wont even commit to a basketball league if I don't agree with it for some reason. I suppose if you are married to the wrong type of person then they would have an opportunity to be controlling in this type of relationship but we were both very prayerful and careful about who we chose to marry and are very comfortable respecting each others feelings about everything.

jaytee16 · July 2014

We're both research nerds and look up info on everything. We discuss things and come to agreements, but he really respects that this is my body, that I'm the one physically going through this and he wants to be supportive and help make sure I'm informed about things.

I have to admit I'm much more by the book than I expected to be and I completely attribute that to fact that it took us 2 years, many failed treatments and eventually IVF to conceive. For example, while I know caffeine is ok in moderation, I have personally chosen to pass more often than not (not every day, sometimes I need my cappuccino!) but seeing how much development happens so early on, I feel these first few weeks are just so important, and we went through so much to get here, it's a small sacrifice that I'm willing to make. All of that being said, H would never tell me I'm not allowed to do something, we don't roll like that.

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