Baby shower drama

CarPisani8611 · July 2014

My mom and I have started discussing plans for my baby shower already. I'm originally from NY and that's where my parents and a few family members still live. However, I have been living in Delaware for the past 11 years. I want to have my shower in DE, nearby to my home. My mom thinks it's an inconvenience to too many people to have to travel to DE from NY and that most of my family probably won't come. I think it's an inconvenience for me to drive to NY at almost 8 months pregnant and then to have to cart all the gifts back to DE. I'm usually a selfless and considerate person, but I really think this time it should be about what makes me the most comfortable. Please be honest: Should I be pushing this issue with my mom or should I just give in and have the shower in NY?

If it makes any difference, my MIL lives on Long Island, NY and she is perfectly fine with the idea of having the shower in DE.

Thanks for your guidance!

missnacholover · July 2014

Well, I'm from Delaware and currently live in NC (7+ hours away). We are traveling to DE for my shower as most folks are still in Delaware. However, because of this I requested that my shower be no closer than 8 weeks to my EDD. So I'll be having my shower when I'm 30.5 weeks. I didn't want to travel and be uncomfortable and be far away from home closer to my EDD.

Where in NY? If it's only a few hours away, I'd just suck it up and go to NY but maybe try to have the shower a little farther away from your EDD. Unless you have lots of friends in DE - where is the majority of your guest list from?

ssstephanie214 · July 2014

Would the train be easier for you, or in the alternative, your relatives?

CarPisani8611 · July 2014

I will be inviting a lot of family from Pittsburgh, a lot of family from different parts of NY, and a lot of friends from the DE and Washington, DC areas. I'm not opposed to having 2 showers (family in NY and friends in DE), but either way my PA family is left out. I guess the people who will contribute the most to the registry live in NY, so it does make sense to have a shower there. My problem is my schedule is filling up so quickly that I'm running out of time to have it any earlier. Thanks for your help!

missnacholover · July 2014

CarPisani8611 said:

I will be inviting a lot of family from Pittsburgh, a lot of family from different parts of NY, and a lot of friends from the DE and Washington, DC areas. I'm not opposed to having 2 showers (family in NY and friends in DE), but either way my PA family is left out. I guess the people who will contribute the most to the registry live in NY, so it does make sense to have a shower there. My problem is my schedule is filling up so quickly that I'm running out of time to have it any earlier. Thanks for your help!

Well, if you have friends from DC and Pittsburgh coming, it seems like DE is the most central to all of these locations.

For me, probably 90-95% of my guest list is in DE with a couple of randoms from elsewhere so it makes sense for my shower to be in DE.

SarahHeck · July 2014

If it were me.... I'd go back to NY for the shower. During my first pregnancy my friends and I were much less established than my parents and my family and family friends and I needed to make sure as many of them could come as possible. My friends couldn't afford to give me as many presents or bigger items from my registry at that time, but my family and my mom's friends could afford to get them. I know it shouldn't be all about the presents, but I was poor so I need what I could get. If you are well established, then I'd make a bigger deal about having it closer to home, but I've gone to a lot of baby/wedding showers for people that don't live too close by and the host usually gently reminds everyone that the person doesn't live near by so online ordering or gift cards would be nice. It isn't a big deal. A lot if times we will print out a photo of what we got the person and wrap that so they can still have something to open at the shower, but their real gift will be shipped to their house.

CarPisani8611 · July 2014

For me, probably 90-95% of my guest list is in DE with a couple of randoms from elsewhere so it makes sense for my shower to be in DE.

I will throw together a first draft of a guest list and take a look at the distribution of the groups. Thanks for the input.

By the way, where are you having your shower in DE?

CarPisani8611 · July 2014

SarahHeck said:
If it were me.... I'd go back to NY for the shower. During my first pregnancy my friends and I were much less established than my parents and my family and family friends and I needed to make sure as many of them could come as possible. My friends couldn't afford to give me as many presents or bigger items from my registry at that time, but my family and my mom's friends could afford to get them. I know it shouldn't be all about the presents, but I was poor so I need what I could get. If you are well established, then I'd make a bigger deal about having it closer to home, but I've gone to a lot of baby/wedding showers for people that don't live too close by and the host usually gently reminds everyone that the person doesn't live near by so online ordering or gift cards would be nice. It isn't a big deal. A lot if times we will print out a photo of what we got the person and wrap that so they can still have something to open at the shower, but their real gift will be shipped to their house.

Thank you for this idea. It makes me feel a lot better about the thought of having the shower in NY. You're right about needing the gifts too. I will be able to get more of the expensive/ essential stuff if I have it in NY. My Delaware friends can't/ won't afford as much and I may end up buying the bigger stuff myself.

mb314 · July 2014

A shower is a gift to you from the host. They may ask for your input, but the host gets to call the shots. You can always decline the shower. Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby. The shower should be located where is most convenient for the host(s) and most of the guests.

We live in TN, my parents are in OH, my IL's are in TX, and most of my friends are in NY. I traveled to a shower in Ohio for my family (drove 4.5 hours) and flew to TX for a shower thrown by my inlaws. It wasn't a big deal, and I was appreciative of them both, even though it was not the most convenient to travel when pregnant. I didn't have a shower with my friends in TN and NY because no one offered to throw me one, and that's totally fine. I didn't expect one.

Since we flew to our shower in TX, we had limited space to carry things back. We could have shipped some stuff, but for the bigger items, we actually returned them to Babies R Us in Dallas, got the store credit, and then re-bought them in TN. It worked out just fine.

CarPisani8611 · July 2014

mb314 said:
< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.

Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.

hiketheworld · July 2014

I would have the shower where it is convenient for the most guests or your VIP guests. You likely will have fewer people attend if they have to travel. That's just the way it goes.

MrsLillyG · July 2014

I would travel up to NY.

missnacholover · July 2014

CarPisani8611 said:

< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.

The point of the shower is to shower the Mom to be with gifts however, please don't count on getting everything at your shower. People will only gift what they are comfortable (financially) giving and it may not be a $200 PNP or $400 stroller, for example.

Kristy774 · July 2014

I'm in Maryland but on the Delaware line, near Newark/Wilmington. Where do you live? We settle on our new house the 31st.

Not sure about where you should favs your shower. I'm leaning towards that you should have 2 showers, one in NY.

CarPisani8611 · July 2014

Kristy774 said:
I'm in Maryland but on the Delaware line, near Newark/Wilmington. Where do you live? We settle on our new house the 31st.

Not sure about where you should favs your shower. I'm leaning towards that you should have 2 showers, one in NY.

I'm thinking 2 showers is going to be the way to go.

We're moving to Pike Creek in Wilmington. Settlement is first week of August! Are you going to deliver at Christiana?

AnnieRoo13 · July 2014

CarPisani8611 said:

< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.

I think this is the statement that has me the most worried. It is not other's responsibility to provide for your child, it is yours. Babies need very little in reality and many many people get by with almost nothing for their children and do just fine. I understand what you're trying to say and I'm sure many people can relate to being a bit tight with money, but you shouldn't really expect your shower and those attending to provide for your child.

If in reality you cannot afford a car seat or crib at all then there's an issue, but if you just can't afford the ones you want- then you can pick different ones if you need to and buy them yourself.

crystaldh · July 2014

I had a really early shower (last week) because that was going to be the only time I would be in Iowa, where my family lives. I traveled all the way from NY, and because people knew that I was traveling, most of them bought me small things, like clothes, even though I thought that those would be the people to buy me bigger things off my registry (such as gear). Only about four people of around 25 guests bought from my registry. I was quite surprised by that. A friend in NY has offered to have another shower for me in September.

At the end of the day, it's a kind gesture on their part and as someone here already said, the host calls the shots. If anything, I would try to ask to have the shower earlier so you don't have to travel later in the pregnancy.

SarahHeck · July 2014

CarPisani8611 said:

mb314 said:
< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.

Serious! If you are gift grabby so am I! Baby showers are about giving gifts to people that need them. That's how they started out anyway. Babies cost a lot all at once and friends and family pitch in to help out because they've been there and needed the help too. I buy my friends shower presents too and when their kids are having kids I'll be more established and will gladly pay it forward. It just helps to
Have the help. It isn't that you can't provide for your kid in the long haul. It just that all at once it's a lot to afford if you are young, just bought a house, still paying off student loans and car loans and aren't as established as some older people. There are some older first time moms now that can afford those things and good for you guys.

Allisonville · July 2014

SarahHeck said:

CarPisani8611 said:

mb314 said:
< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.
Serious! If you are gift grabby so am I! Baby showers are about giving gifts to people that need them. That's how they started out anyway. Babies cost a lot all at once and friends and family pitch in to help out because they've been there and needed the help too. I buy my friends shower presents too and when their kids are having kids I'll be more established and will gladly pay it forward. It just helps to
Have the help. It isn't that you can't provide for your kid in the long haul. It just that all at once it's a lot to afford if you are young, just bought a house, still paying off student loans and car loans and aren't as established as some older people. There are some older first time moms now that can afford those things and good for you guys.

I was going to stay out of it but I just can't. So I'll keep it short...

Yes, apparently you are both gift grabby. It's a baby shower, not a charity event.

emoxymoose · July 2014

This thread is going downhill fast, I only hope no one links it to the baby shower board...

rsmall326 · July 2014

My whole family is in PA and I live in FL. Traveling is out of the question. I don't mind having a very small shower of whoever can afford to travel. I think it's a little crazy that anyone expects you to travel in your last trimester. Everyone has online registries now so I do still expect a gift from those who won't be able to make it. And I agree, isn't the whole point of a baby shower to help new parents prepare for a new baby? I wouldn't worry about being gift grabby. Babies are expensive and it's no secret.

MrsG1019 · July 2014

The other baby shower board would tear this thread up.

JenMark2011 · July 2014

I live in CA, my parents, bother and sister in law live in TN and the rest of our family is in MD. My mom let me pick where I wanted to do it and I picked TN. I know a lot of people won't be able to come but myself and my parents are always expected to be the ones to travel so I'm taking this as our opportunity to be selfish. I know it's causing some drama with our family in MD. But I am sticking to my guns this time! I also don't want to fly to late in pregnancy so we are doing it super early at 25wks. We are asking everyone to send gifts to our home though. If we have to ship everything back to CA it would defeat the whole purpose!
I hope it all goes well. As far as I'm concerned the shower is for you they should do what works for you! Otherwise it's just more stressful than fun to have a baby shower!

I posted the above before I read all the comments. Man tough group! I think the bottom line is there is no easy way to have a baby shower when your family/friends are all split across the country! I guess the host should have the final say?! But honesty the host needs to be realistic and respect your wishes at the same time!

lisaren · July 2014

CarPisani8611 said:

mb314 said:
< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent

What the actual ever loving fuck.

lisaren · July 2014

SarahHeck said:

CarPisani8611 said:

mb314 said:
< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.
Serious! If you are gift grabby so am I! Baby showers are about giving gifts to people that need them. That's how they started out anyway. Babies cost a lot all at once and friends and family pitch in to help out because they've been there and needed the help too. I buy my friends shower presents too and when their kids are having kids I'll be more established and will gladly pay it forward. It just helps to
Have the help. It isn't that you can't provide for your kid in the long haul. It just that all at once it's a lot to afford if you are young, just bought a house, still paying off student loans and car loans and aren't as established as some older people. There are some older first time moms now that can afford those things and good for you guys.

--------

Then you DON'T have a baby. It's not anyone's responsibility to provide a damn thing for your child.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

Nope, sorry the host has the ultimate say since they are the ones putting time, effort and money into this gift for you. If the place won't work for you, then you can politely decline. You do not tell someone to move the venue of their shower, yes even if that person is your mother.

And yes you both sounds like brats.

lisaren · July 2014

Disneygeek77 said:
And yes you both sounds like brats.

Preach!

FirstBabyDoyle · July 2014

If the shower someone else is graciously throwing you is too much of an inconvenience, just say no. Your baby does not have to have brand name/brand new shit. If a shower is how you plan on off-setting the cost of a baby good luck with the next 18 years, you are going to need it. My baby might as well be named Craig Slist Doyle because yes things can be expensive, but I do NOT want to rely on my family and friends to purchase the shit so I've found a lot of the stuff slightly used and way cheaper. If they want to buy something for my baby great, but to expect that they will provide him with everything I WANT is crazy and greedy.

JenMark2011 · July 2014

I'm sorry people but if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. It's easy to misinterpret things written and not said. We don't know the situation in detail!
My husband and I already bought all our nursery furniture and some big tickets items ourselves and our families were upset about that because they wanted to get some of the big ticket items. Everyone is different and so is everyone's family. It's hard to get excited about a shower and not sound gift grabby when the whole point of a shower is to give you gifts for your baby!

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

A SHOWER IS A GIFT. I don't know how else to explain this. The hosts are the ones doing the most work here, not the MTB so the polite, nice and gracious thing to do is to think outside of your self and be considerate of the people that are doing this incredibly kind thing for you.

MrsG1019 · July 2014

lisaren said:

SarahHeck said:

CarPisani8611 said:

mb314 said:
< Honestly, you're sounding a little gift grabby.
Thanks for your honesty. I know that's what it seems like, but I really thought that was kind of the point of a shower. If I could afford the stuff myself I wouldn't be too worried about it, but we just bought a new house and money is next to non-existent at the moment.
Serious! If you are gift grabby so am I! Baby showers are about giving gifts to people that need them. That's how they started out anyway. Babies cost a lot all at once and friends and family pitch in to help out because they've been there and needed the help too. I buy my friends shower presents too and when their kids are having kids I'll be more established and will gladly pay it forward. It just helps to
Have the help. It isn't that you can't provide for your kid in the long haul. It just that all at once it's a lot to afford if you are young, just bought a house, still paying off student loans and car loans and aren't as established as some older people. There are some older first time moms now that can afford those things and good for you guys.
--------

Then you DON'T have a baby. It's not anyone's responsibility to provide a damn thing for your child.

Thank You for saying what I was biting my tongue to say! PREACH!

MrsG1019 · July 2014

FirstBabyDoyle said:
If the shower someone else is graciously throwing you is too much of an inconvenience, just say no. Your baby does not have to have brand name/brand new shit. If a shower is how you plan on off-setting the cost of a baby good luck with the next 18 years, you are going to need it. My baby might as well be named Craig Slist Doyle because yes things can be expensive, but I do NOT want to rely on my family and friends to purchase the shit so I've found a lot of the stuff slightly used and way cheaper. If they want to buy something for my baby great, but to expect that they will provide him with everything I WANT is crazy and greedy.

That just means 18 birthday parties ... Gifts are really the point of birthday parties right?

lisaren · July 2014

JenMark2011 said:
I'm sorry people but if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. It's easy to misinterpret things written and not said. We don't know the situation in detail!
My husband and I already bought all our nursery furniture and some big tickets items ourselves and our families were upset about that because they wanted to get some of the big ticket items. Everyone is different and so is everyone's family. It's hard to get excited about a shower and not sound gift grabby when the whole point of a shower is to give you gifts for your baby!

Nothing rude has been said.

lisaren · July 2014

lisaren said:

JenMark2011 said:
I'm sorry people but if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. It's easy to misinterpret things written and not said. We don't know the situation in detail!
My husband and I already bought all our nursery furniture and some big tickets items ourselves and our families were upset about that because they wanted to get some of the big ticket items. Everyone is different and so is everyone's family. It's hard to get excited about a shower and not sound gift grabby when the whole point of a shower is to give you gifts for your baby!
Nothing rude has been said.

------correcting myself...

What's rude is thinking your entitled to anything just because you're having a baby. Especially items that should be planned for.

JenMark2011 · July 2014

Nothing rude has been said.

------correcting myself...

What's rude is thinking your entitled to anything just because you're having a baby. Especially items that should be planned for.

Who said they expect to get everything for there baby that you all are calling rude, greedy?!

MrsG1019 · July 2014

lisaren · July 2014

JenMark2011 said:

Nothing rude has been said.

------correcting myself...

What's rude is thinking your entitled to anything just because you're having a baby. Especially items that should be planned for.

Who said they expect to get everything for there baby that you all are calling rude, greedy?!

I didn't call anyone rude. I said the action of entitlement is rude. Thank you very much.
Also never called anyone greedy.
Don't put words into my mouth.

I'm only calling them out for their OWN words.
I've quoted it all above. Feel free to read.

JenMark2011 · July 2014

lisaren said:

JenMark2011 said:

Nothing rude has been said.
------correcting myself...

What's rude is thinking your entitled to anything just because you're having a baby. Especially items that should be planned for.

Who said they expect to get everything for there baby that you all are calling rude, greedy?!

I didn't call anyone rude. I said the action of entitlement is rude. Thank you very much.
Also never called anyone greedy.
Don't put words into my mouth.

I'm only calling them out for their OWN words.
I've quoted it all above. Feel free to read.

Nevermind. I just don't understand why everyone is now slinging around curse words and talking about greedy people who shouldn't be having kids. I'm pretty sure that's not why this thread was started! I'll leave.

lisaren · July 2014

I did drop the f bomb.

lisaren · July 2014

Wait, did she gbcb already???

JenMark2011 · July 2014

lisaren said:
I did drop the f bomb.

Ok this did make me laugh just now! I have a total potty mouth. If this little boy I'm growing doesn't come out cursing like a sailor I'll be surprised!

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