Loss checkin in

shandorfml2 · July 2014

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?

CherryPicked · July 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I went to my monthly support group last night. It brought up some emotions that I had been suppressing so I am having one of those hard days today.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I would like to be more productive at work... I am slowly getting there. Concentrating is still so hard even though it has been almost 2 months since my loss.

QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?

This is a good question... I think first of all I am now so much more comfortable with tears and grief. I feel that if someone I knew faced any kind of loss I could be so much more helpful to them now instead of not knowing what to do and probably not saying anything to them. I now know that is the worst thing I could do.

Also, I feel that my role as Caroline's mother has shifted from caring for her physically to caring for her emotionally. I feel charged to preserve her memory and I talk about her as much as I can.

msunshine123 · July 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
We had my son's memorial this past week with family which was really nice.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I've been given the ok to get back to exercising normally. So I hope to get back into shape and loose my pregnancy weight. I've been trying to eat healthy. My goal is to be as healthy and fit as I can be so that when the time comes and we are expecting again I can be the best I can be to support another baby.
QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?
Loosing Declan has changed me so much. I think each day I am realizing more and more just how much. It's hard to put into words exactly. I am in no way the same and I know I never will be, but I think that's a good thing too. Some things that I use to feel were important just are no longer important anymore.

shandorfml2 · July 2014

@kderoy Be gentle on yourself sweetie...two months out is not long. I was still struggling with those same things at that point. It will begin to get easier.

@msunshine123 I'm gad the memorial was nice.

shandorfml2 · July 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I have therapy today, which will be good since it's been a difficult few weeks. I had my support group last night. It was just H and I, and a long time member and we talked mostly about TTCAL.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Continue to be healthy. I need to rencorperate exercise. I've lost 35lbs since Ana, by going gluten free. Now time to step it up and exercise and lay off the gluten free treats lol.

QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you? Well, initially I would have said it made me an angry, bitter person. It has taken away my innocence, and really challenged my view on "we get what we deserve" which I used to think was true. I think Ana has made me a Mommy, it has brought my husband and I closer, it will make me a better Mommy/wife/counselor in the future. I don't take things for granted. I have survived the unimaginable. It's a tough road, with days that bring you to your knees. But, we're all making it.

Maybe Joleisa · July 2014

kderoy said:
QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?

This is a good question... I think first of all I am now so much more comfortable with tears and grief. I feel that if someone I knew faced any kind of loss I could be so much more helpful to them now instead of not knowing what to do and probably not saying anything to them. I now know that is the worst thing I could do.

I love your response--I feel the exact same way.

Regarding being productive at work, I am 5.5 months out and I still have days where I cannot concentrate and get anything done. It will come back to you eventually.

@shandorfml2: Great job on the weight loss! I hope your therapy appointment is just what you need to get your weekend off to a good start.

Maybe Joleisa · July 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

The owner of the deli in my work building asked what my necklace said. I told him it was the name of my sons' names and their birthdate: 1/26/14. I then went on to tell him that I was pregnant with twin boys, but they passed away a few hours after they were born. He looked like he wanted to cry and yay me: I DIDN'T CRY AT WORK.

I've also started sitting in the 1/2 done nursery to read in the recliner we bought for in there. Previous visits to the room were just to touch & smell their blankets or look at their pictures, which left me in tears. I've read there twice this week and no tears. Progress.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I'm having a very difficult time losing weight. I'm at the same weight prior to getting pregnant; I was trying to lose weight then, too. I don't mind the exercising, but I keep trying to cut carbs and it's just not happening. Infertility meds make me want to eat all the carbs in sight!

QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?

Infertility already had me feeling bitter; I think the loss has added angry. I now cringe when I hear someone say they are so "blessed" for getting pregnant, having children, etc... Does that mean I was not blessed or worthy enough? I now read/hear/write the word "lucky"...I hope I feel differently someday. Blessed even!

On the less dark side, our loss has brought me and my husband closer. It has given me perspective on what really matters in life and in death. Our boys made us parents, which changed our lives forever even though they are not here with us.

lexusolsen · July 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
We had a busy week. We had our support group on Wednesday, I started with a new (female) therapist on Thursday and we have a kids party to attend today and one yesterday.

The new therapist was awesome. She gave me some podcasts to help me sleep, some exercises to help me relax when I'm getting over whelmed with dd and my grief and reassured me that the judgments I am making about myself are incorrect.

The kids' parties are tough not only because they are reminders of milestones Ben won't have but also because there are babies everywhere. Everyone with a kid dd's age is either pregnant with their next one or just had him/her.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Still trying to lose weight. I was really frustrated yesterday at weigh in when I was up two pounds. Then last night (a few days early) I got my period. Which explains being up. I'm trying to be active every day.
QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you? I used to be one of those people who "Firmly believes everything happens for a reason". Now I cringe when I think of how many people I insensitively said that to. This is pretty much the only difficult event that has ever directly affected me. I led a very typical middle class (sometimes lower middle class) life. I told my mom the other day, "I want my boring, privileged white girl life back". We will never have that innocence and carefree life back.

lexusolsen · July 2014

@Maybe Joleisa‌ good for you! That can be so difficult but it feels so great to validate our angels.

@shandorfml2‌ It's such a difficult path that seems impossible in the beginning, especially since there isn't an end in sight.

shandorfml2 · July 2014

@lexusolsen‌ glad you liked your new therapist!!

Manada · July 2014

Hello everyone,

This is my first time checking in here, it has been 32 days since we lost our twin girls, Tavin and Casey.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

We are just getting home from a weekend at my family's cottage - which is on the water and in northern Ontario. We decided to head up at the last minute to get away and it was nice. Just us and the dog. We did simple things, just swam and watched movies and played games. I slept alot while we were there, and started reading some of the grief-books I got from the library... We did lots of cuddling.

This week coming I am checking out a new support group and we have one we will both attend together as well. We also have a couple of evening social things planned with friends, so that will be good to get out.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

This week I am going to be headed out into the world more by myself. That is challenge enough I think. I don't have a ton of plans this week so I will be challenged enough in keeping myself occupied. Last week I dealt a bit with my work-leave, so this week will be more of that I guess, and therapy.

QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?

We are still in early days, I still cry and usually sob at least once a day. I miss our girls fiercely, and am starting to realize that this new feeling isn't going to go away. I am also a little bit comforted by learning that they won't disappear in my heart or in our family. My partner and I talk a lot about how we will incorporate them into our family fabric forever, that helps.

So far I can identify that the biggest change is that I feel less affection toward babies and kids we encounter. Even through the infertility world I was able to embrace most children in our lives, but now I just can't. A number of our friends are also having babies this summer and fall, and I can't begin to think of meeting those babies, holding them, or watching them grow up. I can't deal with it yet, and I am not sure when I will be able to, but it's not in the cards yet.

There are other things I have noticed. My relationship with my body has changed. My body looks different, and feels different, and I am not really sure how to work with it... Let alone just feeling totally disconnected from it. I miss my pregnant body, and my relationship with my body that I have had before. My therapist has made that a goal to address, so we'll see.

stefuge · July 2014

Hi ladies,

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I had a realization this week - that as desperately as I want Colton back, I also really want a new baby. Up til now, I think it was more of, I want my baby, but this week, I have really felt that as much as I still want Colton, I also really want another baby. Part of this could be that Colton would be almost a year old now, and so nearing the end of the baby age, but either way, it was a big step for me in realizing I am ready to try again. I am scared - I worry all the time that there is something that links the complications with DS1's pregnancy to the complications with Colton's pregnancy and we will have something similar with a new pregnancy, but I have to trust my doctor, trust God, and trust my gut that is telling me to try again.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
We are planning Colton's first birthday party for next month. His birthday is August 28th, but we are doing the party on the 9th. I know throwing a first birthday party for my dead son isn't for everyone, but I decided i wanted to be happy and celebrate his birthday, so I'm going with it. We are going to have cupcakes and decorate and have invited a bunch of people over and are going to gather as a group to send bubbles to Colton, so I hope to get some really cool pictures and amazing memories of his special day. We also have friends and family who are out of town who will be doing their own bubbles and sharing photos as well, and I love that Colton will be getting bubbles from all over the country. Right now I am just focused on his party and getting everything ready and getting through that weekend, and then I expect to shift into a bit of a depression for the rest of August. Part of me wants to dig in my heels and stay as far away from August as possible, and part of me just wants to jump ahead to September and just be past it all. I cannot believe it has almost been a full year. It breaks my heart that we are getting so far away from the one day I got to hold him and smell him and be with him and there is so much time ahead without him.

QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you?
I find myself caring a lot less about other people's feelings. Which isn't great, but I feel like if they are going to say insensitive things or selfish things or put their foot in their mouth, I'm not going to waste my time on them. I got asked this weekend if I had kids and how old, and her response when I told her about both of my boys was "oh that's hard." Yeah, tell me about it. And I'm done talking to you. I also worry less about what people think of me - when I asked MH about whether it was weird for us to throw a birthday party for Colton, he told me some people might think so, but who cares? And really, that's the truth. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. My grief is unique and this is my journey, and those who matter get that, and those who don't, oh well.
((Hugs)) this week ladies.

msunshine123 · July 2014

@kderoy I really like your idea of caring for your Caroline emotionally.
@shandorfml2 you are doing great with your weight loss.
@Maybe Joleisa "our loss has brought me and my husband closer. It has given me perspective on what really matters in life and in death. Our boys made us parents, which changed our lives forever even though they are not here with us."--- I agree same here:)
@lexusolson your new therapist sounds amazing. If she gave you any tips you can be helpful to us too please pass them along.
@Manada I'm glad you had a good weekend away. We found that to be helpful too.
@stefuge I think planning a party for Colton is a great idea and I love that you are sending him lots of bubbles from all over:)

lexusolsen · July 2014

@msunshine123‌- Here is the link to the podcast. It's through my insurance company (Kaiser) but you don't have to log-in to use it.
https://www.healthjourneys.com/kaiser/download/download_healthfulSleep.asp I use the "Guided imagery" podcast.

We practiced purposely tensing and then relaxing parts of my body. She said it would bring awareness to how much stress I was carrying in my body. Also, she said if I practice it once a day it would seem natural to do it (and be more helpful) when I'm over whelmed.

shandorfml2 · July 2014

@stefuge we had a "party" for Ana. I made cupcakes, and we sent her balloons. The year goes so fast, yet feels like an eternity.

jocie28 · July 2014

Have you taken any steps towards healing this week? I went to grief group on Thursday. That is always a bit lifting. Afterwards I had a great convo with my mother in law & basically confronted her for never talking to us about Mae. She said she never wants to bring her up to make us more sad. I said "how could we possibly be any sadder?!" It was good to get that off my chest & now I think she'll talk to us about her.

What is the next goal you have set? Saturday we are doing a stillborn memory walk with our family. It will be an emotional day. Mae would have been 7 months that day. Some of our nurses will be there so it will be good to see them again.

QOTW: I relate to every answer already given. I feel I have changed a lot. I am angry & bitter but I am also softer too. Its hard to explain. I think I will continue to change as more time passes.

LyndseyTS · July 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? My body is FINALLY back to some state of normal (freaking amazing people!!!), so I've been able (forced?) to focus on the emotional again and actually start doing mild exercise (walking) again. I think I somehow unintentionally put things on hold in my "okay, just get up off the floor and don't pass out" phase. So, counselling appointment today and we made it to group this month. It was good to be back. So, progress! What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I'm hoping to get some serious exercising done. All I did yesterday was housework and my legs hurt this AM and I was tiiiired. That's just really unlike me and it's frustrating. Here's hoping the doctor clears me for all regular stuff at my appointment on Monday. Fingers crossed! QOTW: How do you feel losing your child has changed you? So many ways. I have less patience for silly niceties and think that I'm a better listener (maybe not). I am also a lot angrier. Not all of the time, but it's an emotion I know feel powerfully and express. That was not at all me pre-loss. I think it's empowered me in someways. I am Serenity's mom and I will not let her be forgotten. In some ways (ironically) it has helped me to get over my fears (while adding a whole bunch more to the mix...figure that one out). I've come to realize that there are worse things than failure and that I might as well take risks to control the things I can in life instead of letting it happen to me because there ARE things that I can't control. Baby steps toward a more meaningful life and less keeping-up-with-the-Jones' motivated behaviour.

shandorfml2 · July 2014

@LyndseyTS glad your body is getting better! Yay!

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