PPD check in

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

I don't see one of these on the first three pages so I figured I'd start a new one. Finally hit a wall last week and got screened at my six week appt on Monday. I scored high enough to get a referral to behavioral health so I'm just waiting on them to call me. I hope to hell they call soon. My hardest hours are the evening when all of us are tired, charlie often just screams at my boobs, and dh continues to ask of pumping a bottle would help. Nope, and I've explained why several times already, so let it go.

I know that a big part of mine is exhaustion and marital stress on top of post partum. I'm hoping those will ease up soon. Tonight I had to hand off a screaming Charlie and go have a good cry because I felt very much like putting him down, anywhere close, and leaving the house...and potentially not coming back. That's not OK with me. A few minutes in his crib, sure, but not anywhere for a long time. Luckily dh was home so I could.

I wish I lived closer to my mom, or that she could drive again so she could come see me. This is harder than I ever thought it would be and I miss her.

What things are you doing that are helping? I figure I'll start a diary, just to get my thoughts out of my head. I have to have at least one good thing per child every day. I'd love to hear what you are trying.

ElTrain5 · July 2014

@Lilygrace48 ((hugs))

I'm struggling. Had a rough night last night. My anxiety is showing it's ugly colors and I'm trying so hard not to take it out on DH and DS. I feel like I alternate between totally fine and totally losing my shit from moment to moment. Still trying to get the guts to write my birth story. If nothing else it may help me stop replaying things in my head once they're down on paper.

DH is being amazing just continuing to offer his help with everything. He cleaned the house this weekend and that was such a burden off of my plate. Although I need to learn to accept his help more. Particularly at night when I just feel like there's no point in two of us being up....but I really do need the help.

BMaidPlanner · July 2014

Big hugs to you ladies. I haven't been screened and my 6 week post partum check up is next week.

I agree that the exhaustion seems to be the trigger, it's those moments when I'm so tired or frustrated from breastfeeding for hours that I feel the worst. Middle of the night has never gotten easy for me. I can't put on the TV and just deal with it. I'm always trying to stay in bed and lay back nurse her (side lying never works for me, she rolls into my body) and then salvage sleep somehow.

Maybe that will be what I try. Surrender. Giving in to my days and nights being upside down. Maybe for just a little while it would help to stop pretending a 4 week old human is going to get on my schedule and instead, go with the flow. Maybe that will help me nap whenever she does finally too.

steprozz · July 2014

hugs to all of you!

@ElTrain5‌ I am right there with you on replaying things in my head. it drives me crazy. last night every time I closed my eyes all I could think about was the 11 hours immediately following Bennett's birth that I couldn't see him or hold him. they took him from the OR and never brought him back. I can still feel the pain in my heart that I felt that day. my chest gets tight, my breathing gets shallow, like a knife through my heart. I wonder if that will ever go away, if I will ever forget what that felt like. I really hope so because I can't deal with it. I know some of our moms went much longer without holding their babies and I can't imagine how much that must hurt. I hope you can find some way to cope with whatever part of LOs birth you are struggling with, maybe writing it out would be good therapy. huge hugs for you!

tummommy · July 2014

Hugs to all of you; you are strong, amazing women for loving your babies enough to want to do better. It is SOOO hard! I feel better lately but I definitely don't have the patience I used to for my DD

and I'm torn about that. Part of me feels like I need to be tougher on her as she matures so she will know what is expected of her but I also know she is hurting and misses how things were. She has started crying and asking me to pick her up every time DS fusses; it breaks my heart that I get mad at her for it. Hoping things get smoother. Accepting that things are different has seemed to help a lot though. Prayers for all of us and these precious LOs

curlylocks3 · July 2014

Mind if I join you, even if I'm not dealing with PPD? Maybe it can be for just postpartum mood disorders in general? I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and OCD 5 weeks ago. Most times I think I'm doing better at silencing the bizarre, intrusive thoughts but I'm still not coping well with interacting with strangers. And the exhaustion is really getting to me. So far I'm working with my therapist and she has me doing relaxation exercises. Those seem to help with some of it but no relief for the bone deep tiredness.
@ElTrain5‌ writing my birth story was somewhat therapeutic for me. I never felt like I could post it, but I think writing it helped me stop thinking about it so much. Hopefully it will help you as well.

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

I haven't bwwn screened yet, but my PP appt is Thursday and I am pretty sure I have PPD. I struggled with depression in the past and this feels like an even more extreme version of that.

I definitely agree that it is exacerbated by lack of sleep. I generally feel pretty shitty all the time but it gets much worse at night. I hate feeling "inconvenienced" by the fact that my babies need to eat when I want ti sleep. I want to feel happy to provide for them and yeah be tired but not overly angry and frustrated.

I have feelings and thoughts that I am scared to admit to anyone, let alone my OB, for fear of repercussions, but I know I have to tell someone to get the right treatment. I'm worried that when I get screened I will be diagnosed with it and I will need medication- we truly cannot afford that right now. But I know that it may be what I need to feel... safe. But I'm not sure how I will go about getting the treatment I need with my medicaid being over and no other health insurance.

I know its also made worse by the financial and family issues we are going through. The worst part is something really good will happen, like DH got his job at the jail and starts soon, but thwn something equally shitty will happen, like our car took a dump on us and he now will have to find a way to work. (Not to mention I don't have a way of getting to the store OR my PP appointment.) I feel like if our financial issues weren't plaguing us like this I wouldn't be dealing with it.

So many feels, no idea how to get them all out... @Lilygrace48‌ you may have something there with that diary idea.

curlylocks3 · July 2014

@CJnKR2014‌ if your doctor recommends meds and cost is an issue, what about checking to see if any of the options are covered under that cheap RX program at Walmart? I tried checking now but the PDF won't open on my phone. Another option might be asking various pharmacies- I know the hospital I used to work at could discount up to 75% of cost and even write off the rest if needed. Lastly, you could ask your OB if there are any other programs that do this at low or no cost for postpartum moms.

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

@CJnKR2014‌ ask at your doctors office. Most have a supply of samples, so they can try prescribing a type they have samples of. I didn't pay for birth control for years this way. You can also see if they have a form to fill out that you make under a certain amount as family and have no insurance and they'll cut you a deal on payments.

Mom&nurse · July 2014

@ElTrain5‌ I'm right there with you. It was 24 hrs for me. My birth story was write out and posted on here if your interested. It has helped me out.

I got increased to 100mg zoo ft and it helps with the Lil things. Not the big ones

I will come out and say what some are afraid to say. I AM AFRAID OF HURTING MY LO !

I don't think I ever could. But the visions of me doing something flash in front of me. Sleep deprivation makes it worse. I also am going to talk to someone.

Does anyone know if short term disability covers ppd?

I get flash backs when I go to work. The feeling of them cutting me. The ripping and burning. The white room. Bright lights. Screams from me. The words the Dr said. Looking at the Dr and feeling like I was going to die and my baby. Pleading to save her. Waking up not knowing anything. Feeling like I missed the whole first day of her life. That I caused her to be sick. Hearing the Dr continue to get the history wrong. Making me sound like a drug addict. Crying and crying. Not feeling like she is mine.

I'm here for anyone who wants to talk.

steprozz · July 2014

@Mom&nurse I remember your birth story. I can't imagine how you must have felt. I'm so sorry you are still struggling. sending you really long creepy internet hugs

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

We are here for you, @mom&nurse @ElTrain5‌

flerlgirl · July 2014

@stephross88‌ and others who mentioned it, I just wanted to say that it will get better. It took a few months with DS and even then was very gradual. But I promise it won't always feel like this.

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

@snuff9861‌ that's where I'm at. His crying over stimulates me, and I can't deal with it. I had to hand him off to dh last night or I don't know what I would have done. Not OK. I finally got the call from behavioral health and, while in the same office that I go to for everything else, they aren't covered under my insurance! They did give the numbers of some places nearby that are covered, so I'll call around tomorrow. Sigh.

TricksyPixie · July 2014

My lactation consultant has been endlessly worried about me. We have had breastfeeding problems since day one, went a whole week with no problems, and then I got clogged ducts. I had been stressed before, but it got sO bad yesterday that I was having MULTIPLE panic attacks, I cried all day, once for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT. I was alone. I put Anna down for a nap after feeding her (while crying) and I took a shower (and sat and cried) and I took a nap (laid down and cried under a blanket) I didn't think of hurting myself or her, but I did just want to stay in bed and never get out.

Anyway my lac called her alternate to ask to check on me, then called my doctor and said to check me for ppd. I have it. So he is telling me to seek therapy. And I've had to switch to formula because everyone believes I'm not resting, I'm slipping farther, and I need to be better to care for her and enjoy her. I don't feel like I've failed because I can't breastfeed. I feel depressed because I miss the bond. I felt like shit giving her formula because she BELONGS at my breast... And I just can't seem to stop crying one way or the other..

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

Hugs to all of you ladies!

The last couple of days have been... better. Until last night. I was legitimately afraid of myself and my thoughts and my feelings, especially towards DH. I am so glad my appointment is tomorrow, and idc what I have to do to pay for it, I am going to get absolutely all the care I need.

*breathe in... breathe out.*

Remember to take it one day at a time, ladies. We can so do this.

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

Tonight I realized that in order to nor get so upset about his crying, and about C's tantrums, I am emotionally distancing myself from my children. I hate that. Its helping me to survive, and I make sure I still tell them I love them, but I'm not feeling it and that makes me feel guilty.

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

@emilyh107‌ you can google the screen. Its a questionnaire and you get so many points out of 30. Anything over a ten is a PPD risk.

Bozzy2 · July 2014

Good luck lady's. You are all wonderful, beautiful and loving lady's that your LO's love unconditionally. *hugs*

sjn00 · July 2014

Trying to put my baby to sleep is like hell. she cant get comfortable on me so she tries to go to sleep then just screams. Idk what the heck to do. Her own mother cant even put her to sleep. Ughh i want to pull my hair out.

katekat8721 · July 2014

Well, I guess I have moderate PPD as well. I was screened yesterday my PP appt, but I already had a pretty good idea. Apparently at 7 weeks it's not normal to cry all day when your babies cry? Who knew :P

I haven't had thought of harming myself or the babies (god sometimes I just cry because I love them so damn much!). It's just overwhelming. I have guilt that I can't take care of both of them like I should and when they're both crying and really freaking out it breaks me. I then get angry and more guilty because we wanted these babies so, so badly. I just feel like a sad, overwhelmed failure some days! It's always better with DH around but I can't have him stay home with me all day.

Hang in there girls xo

MrsCase1 · July 2014

TricksyPixie said:

My lactation consultant has been endlessly worried about me. We have had breastfeeding problems since day one, went a whole week with no problems, and then I got clogged ducts. I had been stressed before, but it got sO bad yesterday that I was having MULTIPLE panic attacks, I cried all day, once for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT. I was alone. I put Anna down for a nap after feeding her (while crying) and I took a shower (and sat and cried) and I took a nap (laid down and cried under a blanket) I didn't think of hurting myself or her, but I did just want to stay in bed and never get out. Anyway my lac called her alternate to ask to check on me, then called my doctor and said to check me for ppd. I have it. So he is telling me to seek therapy. And I've had to switch to formula because everyone believes I'm not resting, I'm slipping farther, and I need to be better to care for her and enjoy her. I don't feel like I've failed because I can't breastfeed. I feel depressed because I miss the bond. I felt like shit giving her formula because she BELONGS at my breast... And I just can't seem to stop crying one way or the other..

Kellymom is featuring an article today on relactation. Could be a great option for you once things settle down!

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

Well I was officially diagnosed with PPD and was prescribed Zoloft. Hope this helps.

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

@CJnKR2014‌ good luck! I hope it works for you.

katekat8721 · July 2014

@shannonliggett‌ yes I'm the same way when hubby leaves! I hate it. And I totally try to rationalize with my girls because I don't know what else to do... "honey mommy has to change sissy diaper and then I can come over to you ok I love you don't cry!" But they're babies so they cry and then I cry with them!

JulieSmiles · July 2014

Ugh, I feel like I'm losing it today. DD has been awake since 3:15 this morning. She is so tired that she won't stop crying, but won't sleep for more than 10 minutes. I'm exhausted and feeling so overwhelmed with her today. I just want to cry. I realized that I was getting frustrated with her so I'm trying to check myself and relax right now. I just wish I knew how to get her to sleep.

katekat8721 · July 2014

@juliesmiles I'm sorry mama. It sounds like she's over stimulated and you're both overwhelmed. I'd put on a pair of earplugs to cut down on some of that screaming. Don't worry, you'll still hear her

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

@JulieSmiles‌ have you tried adding a layer of clothing so she's nice and warm, then swaddle and shush really loudly? It works well for Charlie when he gets like that.

JulieSmiles · July 2014

I finally got her to sleep! She has been out for about 45 minutes. I left her sleeping on me and I closed my eyes. I think I relaxed enough for her to relax.
@Lilygrace48‌ Does Charlie sweat when you do that. L already sweats and seems hot all the time so I don't swaddle her too much during the day. Maybe I should try. Shushing almost always calms her down but it was not working today.

tbmadeamistake · July 2014

@JulieSmiles‌ he does a bit. Generally he's in a onesie and pants during the day. If he's upset enough for me to swaddle, I change him so when he does fall asleep, he's clean, and leave the pants off. I have a bunch of a&a blankets which are light so I swaddle on those and then toss a second blanket over him in the chair if I think he needs it. He sweats, but not so much that I really worry.

elsa1688 · July 2014

Lilygrace48 said:
@JulieSmiles‌ he does a bit. Generally he's in a onesie and pants during the day. If he's upset enough for me to swaddle, I change him so when he does fall asleep, he's clean, and leave the pants off. I have a bunch of a&a blankets which are light so I swaddle on those and then toss a second blanket over him in the chair if I think he needs it. He sweats, but not so much that I really worry.

I second this. Swaddling is the only thing that will help j sleep if he's overstimulated.

lest12 · July 2014

Hugs everyone. Its funny... there's definitely a noticeable shift from 'baby blues' to what feels like ppd, now that a little time has passed. I'm not so weepy (although, I did cry because LO is a month tomorrow and outgrew his NB clothes)... instead I feel crazy and out of my mind and overwhelmed and like I just could fall apart at any second. My dad came over tonight and hung out with my dog (I have dog-parent guilt) and tidied up forwme while he sent me out for a nice walk with LO. It really helped. I also had to cancel plans late this afternoon because... I had to. I was so overwhelmed and didn't want to rush me and LO out of the house and rush feeding him then what about pumping and not get to go for a walk (which I need) and have him in the carrier for too long which makes him fussy at night and etc, etc. I felt bad but I also just had to give myself a break. When we were getting close to our duw date, I told DH that baby is priority #1 this summer... its hard that I'm not just 'me' right now but I need time to embrace this and adjust overall. Sorry for the vent/rant but it helps to ramble. The last few days, I haven't been at my best. It's also hard to recharge when you can't get a good night sleep.

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

Hugs @lest12‌

Taymiller · July 2014

@lest12‌ - hugs! I couldn't have said it any better "it's also hard to recharge when you can't get a good nights sleep"

I just want 6 hours of undisturbed sleep and then I feel like I will be myself again and not so crazy! I have a short fuse and I know that I am getting upset with DH over stupid shit (like the dish password so I can watch PLL, so dumb). I don't lose my patience with LO which is good but I could punch DH for getting to sleep more than I do, but he gets to sleep more because he works all day.

lest12 · July 2014

Taymiller said:

@lest12‌ - hugs! I couldn't have said it any better "it's also hard to recharge when you can't get a good nights sleep" I just want 6 hours of undisturbed sleep and then I feel like I will be myself again and not so crazy! I have a short fuse and I know that I am getting upset with DH over stupid shit (like the dish password so I can watch PLL, so dumb). I don't lose my patience with LO which is good but I could punch DH for getting to sleep more than I do, but he gets to sleep more because he works all day.

I also have been a little short with DH the last few days. He's trying to help and I just act like a jerk because he "doesn't understand". It's not fair of me and I feel like crap about it. I'm just tired and frustrated and taking it out on him.

sjn00 · July 2014

I feel so lonely.

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

@SaraJoy00‌ im here to talk!!

sjn00 · July 2014

CJnKR2014 said:
@SaraJoy00‌ im here to talk!!

Thank you

steprozz · July 2014

@SaraJoy00‌ I feel you so hard on this. DH is either working or sleeping when he is home and none of my friends are married or have babies so I was pretty much dumped by them, even more so now that I have two kids. if you want to talk, I'm always available!

CJnKR2014 · July 2014

Just want to let you ladies know that if any of you need someone to talk to, PM me and I will be happy to give you my number to text. I already exchanged numbers with another bumpie a week or so ago and it really is helpful.

SecondTimeinMSU · July 2014

Ditto for me too. When we moved I hoped to make new mom friends in our neighborhood but they are all best friends already plus they are all blond, tan and stylish and make me feel frumpy. I tried to join a mom meet-up group when DS was little but they dropped me from the list since I couldn't make many events since they were during the weekdays and I work full-time =(

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PPD check in

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Re: PPD check in

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

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