Dealing with the "We did it "the old way" and you survived" comments...

nienot · July 2014

Lately, it feels like I've gotten a lot of the "all of my children turned out great, and they had lead paint toys" or "my kids grew up in old cribs and lived through it" comments. Specifically from my in-laws.

MIL sent us a box of things the other day as a surprise, which was very nice of her. However, it was nothing that we have on our registry, and some of the things she sent are things I did not want to use, including a bumper (of the breathable variety).

To each their own, and I have no problem if other people choose to use them, but we made the decision not to. Not a big deal. If it turns out we need one, then we'll deal with that later, but our decision was to not use one. So, I asked my husband to tell his mother this and let her know we might send it back.

She argued that he always had a bumper in his crib and is fine, and she read all of the reviews on Amazon and tons of people said they worked great, etc. When DH got off the phone, it was as if his mother had convinced him that we should use it and now he thinks it's fine. So, it's MIL, DH, Amazon Reviews and Personal Experience all up against me...and I feel like the odd man out.

I have had to turn down so many things from my in-laws because they keep offering us their old stuff, and it feels like the more we turn down things, the more frustrated they get and act like I'm trying to keep them from being a part of this (which isn't the case).

I know I need to set a precedent early on. So, what are your good go-to responses when experienced mothers try to force their opinions and advice on you, and you want to maintain a positive and happy relationship with that person?

JustCricket · July 2014

I like to say somthing along these lines "Safety standards change because of deaths. They are ever changing the more we learn about what causes these deaths. Why should I even risk something that could potentially cause death"

conradraging · July 2014

wpatx said:
Lately, it feels like I've gotten a lot of the "all of my children turned out great, and they had lead paint toys" or "my kids grew up in old cribs and lived through it" comments. Specifically from my in-laws.

MIL sent us a box of things the other day as a surprise, which was very nice of her. However, it was nothing that we have on our registry, and some of the things she sent are things I did not want to use, including a bumper (of the breathable variety).

To each their own, and I have no problem if other people choose to use them, but we made the decision not to. Not a big deal. If it turns out we need one, then we'll deal with that later, but our decision was to not use one. So, I asked my husband to tell his mother this and let her know we might send it back.

She argued that he always had a bumper in his crib and is fine, and she read all of the reviews on Amazon and tons of people said they worked great, etc. When DH got off the phone, it was as if his mother had convinced him that we should use it and now he thinks it's fine. So, it's MIL, DH, Amazon Reviews and Personal Experience all up against me...and I feel like the odd man out.

I have had to turn down so many things from my in-laws because they keep offering us their old stuff, and it feels like the more we turn down things, the more frustrated they get and act like I'm trying to keep them from being a part of this (which isn't the case).

I know I need to set a precedent early on. So, what are your good go-to responses when experienced mothers try to force their opinions and advice on you, and you want to maintain a positive and happy relationship with that person?

My policy has basically been to accept things graciously, and if you use it, great! If not, no big deal and you can eventually hand it down to someone else or resell it, or something along those lines. It's just easier than causing ripples in the relationship.

Eta: as far as advice and opinions, I will listen attentively, then state my own opinions/plans, and refuse to argue about it. Usually (like with cloth diapering) I say I am set on trying xyz, and if it doesn't work out then I am open to new suggestions.

nienot · July 2014

Conradgallagher said:

Lately, it feels like I've gotten a lot of the "all of my children turned out great, and they had lead paint toys" or "my kids grew up in old cribs and lived through it" comments. Specifically from my in-laws.

MIL sent us a box of things the other day as a surprise, which was very nice of her. However, it was nothing that we have on our registry, and some of the things she sent are things I did not want to use, including a bumper (of the breathable variety).

To each their own, and I have no problem if other people choose to use them, but we made the decision not to. Not a big deal. If it turns out we need one, then we'll deal with that later, but our decision was to not use one. So, I asked my husband to tell his mother this and let her know we might send it back.

She argued that he always had a bumper in his crib and is fine, and she read all of the reviews on Amazon and tons of people said they worked great, etc. When DH got off the phone, it was as if his mother had convinced him that we should use it and now he thinks it's fine. So, it's MIL, DH, Amazon Reviews and Personal Experience all up against me...and I feel like the odd man out.

I have had to turn down so many things from my in-laws because they keep offering us their old stuff, and it feels like the more we turn down things, the more frustrated they get and act like I'm trying to keep them from being a part of this (which isn't the case).

I know I need to set a precedent early on. So, what are your good go-to responses when experienced mothers try to force their opinions and advice on you, and you want to maintain a positive and happy relationship with that person?
My policy has basically been to accept things graciously, and if you use it, great! If not, no big deal and you can eventually hand it down to someone else or resell it, or something along those lines. It's just easier than causing ripples in the relationship. Eta: as far as advice and opinions, I will listen attentively, then state my own opinions/plans, and refuse to argue about it. Usually (like with cloth diapering) I say I am set on trying xyz, and if it doesn't work out then I am open to new suggestions.

That's smart. I have considered just accepting things and doing as you say, but I get so paranoid about them coming over and not seeing it and being upset, etc. Plus our house is sooo tiny and we have no storage room. I miss living in the midwest and having a basement!

biokitty42 · July 2014

I usually accept whatever it is, say thank you, and then put it in my garage sale pile. This works for me because my in-laws live 12 hours away and aren't exactly popping by to check up on what I'm using or not using.

You could still give it a shot, though. Just say thanks and don't use it. If the person ever notices and asks you can say your pediatrician recommended against using it (advice from your doctor should trump any anecdote) or that LO barfed/pooped/peed all over it and it's in the laundry.

kleigh926 · July 2014

I would just say that safety standards have changed. Just because we turned out fine doesn't mean there weren't hundreds or thousands of other babies that didn't. Saying "you turned out fine" is purely anecdotal with no evidence or research to back up the safety or lack thereof of an item.

This happened recently to us. MIL still has DH's old crib and wanted to give it to us. Of course DH was convinced it was okay to use, since he and all his siblings survived drop-side cribs with no injuries, and he wanted to save some money. I looked up exactly why they are no longer sold and the research behind it. Then I said, "The risk of a drop-side crib causing a death or injury is relatively small, but not using one eliminates the risk altogether. How would you feel if our baby got hurt or killed just because you wanted to save $100?" He didn't reply and later agreed to not use it. When MIL asked me later if we wanted the crib, I told her thanks for the offer, but they are no longer legal to sell due to the safety standards being changed. If she had continued to pressure me, I would've kept repeating that, or something along the lines of, "Even though your kids turned out fine, I'd prefer to err on the side of caution given the most recent studies."

conradraging · July 2014

wpatx said:

Conradgallagher said:

wpatx said:
Lately, it feels like I've gotten a lot of the "all of my children turned out great, and they had lead paint toys" or "my kids grew up in old cribs and lived through it" comments. Specifically from my in-laws.

MIL sent us a box of things the other day as a surprise, which was very nice of her. However, it was nothing that we have on our registry, and some of the things she sent are things I did not want to use, including a bumper (of the breathable variety).

To each their own, and I have no problem if other people choose to use them, but we made the decision not to. Not a big deal. If it turns out we need one, then we'll deal with that later, but our decision was to not use one. So, I asked my husband to tell his mother this and let her know we might send it back.

She argued that he always had a bumper in his crib and is fine, and she read all of the reviews on Amazon and tons of people said they worked great, etc. When DH got off the phone, it was as if his mother had convinced him that we should use it and now he thinks it's fine. So, it's MIL, DH, Amazon Reviews and Personal Experience all up against me...and I feel like the odd man out.

I have had to turn down so many things from my in-laws because they keep offering us their old stuff, and it feels like the more we turn down things, the more frustrated they get and act like I'm trying to keep them from being a part of this (which isn't the case).

I know I need to set a precedent early on. So, what are your good go-to responses when experienced mothers try to force their opinions and advice on you, and you want to maintain a positive and happy relationship with that person?
My policy has basically been to accept things graciously, and if you use it, great! If not, no big deal and you can eventually hand it down to someone else or resell it, or something along those lines. It's just easier than causing ripples in the relationship.

Eta: as far as advice and opinions, I will listen attentively, then state my own opinions/plans, and refuse to argue about it. Usually (like with cloth diapering) I say I am set on trying xyz, and if it doesn't work out then I am open to new suggestions.

That's smart. I have considered just accepting things and doing as you say, but I get so paranoid about them coming over and not seeing it and being upset, etc. Plus our house is sooo tiny and we have no storage room. I miss living in the midwest and having a basement!

That's rough. Luckily I'll be moving across the country come November, so that won't be possible. But I like PPs suggestions of saying the pediatrician recommended not using it or it's in the laundry, or something similar.

AnyMax · July 2014

My mom and I have a wonderful relationship, but the fight of all fights happened over a crib - the crib she, her four siblings, two of my cousins, my brother, and I all used. "We all lived, so it must be fine."

The best I could do was "You did an amazing job raising me, but now it is my turn. I have to ask that you respect the decisions we make for our daughter, especially those regarding her safety, as standards have changed greatly over the last thirty years."

She was crying and hung up on me. But after cooling down, she called back and apologized

Irisheyes1247 · July 2014

I have to be honest, it kind of seems like you're looking for a fight when your first thought at receiving a gift (whether one you wanted or not) is to call the giver and tell them 1 - you don't want it and 2 - why you won't be using it.

I've personally found it best to listen to what people have to say, be gracious about the gifts they give, and then do what works best for you/your baby/your family. No reason you need to engage in an argument about it.

nienot · July 2014

AnyMax said:

My mom and I have a wonderful relationship, but the fight of all fights happened over a crib - the crib she, her four siblings, two of my cousins, my brother, and I all used. "We all lived, so it must be fine." The best I could do was "You did an amazing job raising me, but now it is my turn. I have to ask that you respect the decisions we make for our daughter, especially those regarding her safety, as standards have changed greatly over the last thirty years." She was crying and hung up on me. But after cooling down, she called back and apologized

That's rough

I will say, though, that going through things like that and similar situations forces me to continue to remind myself to try and never do this to my children. I'm sure it's not easy being on the other side of it, either.

Ciardasully · July 2014

I have been dealing with this with my mother. And she feels the need to explain. "Well when you were born, we didn't need a car seat. I brought you home in my arms." I try explaining to my mother that its not 1978 and there are laws that require a car seat.I just get annoyed because she gets defensive and starts to argue. Bottom line-not her kid. It drives DH crazy. He hates the whole "you survived" argument. Just because we didn't die doesn't make my mothers advice correct.

nienot · July 2014

Irisheyes1247 said:

I have to be honest, it kind of seems like you're looking for a fight when your first thought at receiving a gift (whether one you wanted or not) is to call the giver and tell them 1 - you don't want it and 2 - why you won't be using it.

I've personally found it best to listen to what people have to say, be gracious about the gifts they give, and then do what works best for you/your baby/your family. No reason you need to engage in an argument about it.

Really not looking for a fight, I just hated thinking that she was going to come see the nursery and wonder where her gift was, and that would have caused issues at that time. I just figured it was best to take care of it right off the bat instead of hide it from her. The phone call wasn't made specifically to tell her we might return it. He talks to her everyday and just brought it up. However, even he agreed that it would be more helpful to receive some of the things we actually need instead of a bunch of random stuff we won't use.

I see how it looks that way, though, and that's why I asked the question. I feel like I must be handling these things wrong, because it keeps happening and I keep feeling guilty for having my own opinions and telling someone who has raised a child before that I want to do it my way, when I have no experience to go off of.

I appreciate your input.

conradraging · July 2014

TheEmpireNeedsYou said:
When I get advice like this I also try to remember that it's probably a little bit hard or scary to hear. Our parents and grandparents did the best they could with what they knew, and finding out that those things they probably were super careful to do are now considered dangerous might make some people feel crappy or like we're saying they weren't good parents.

I also know some of it is hard for them to deal with because they were told the exact opposite. It scares the crap out of my grandma that we put babies to sleep on their backs. She was always told that if they did that and the baby spit up they would choke on it and die. So her instinctual response is just that it's totally unsafe. She has to really remind herself that they've learned the risk of that is much less than the risk of SIDs.

I'm really glad you made this point because sometimes I hear that in my moms voice when she says "we didn't know that when you were a baby" or something along those lines. It hurts my heart a little because she is such a great mom and hearing that whatever she did is no longer considered "safe" probably is difficult to comprehend.

nienot · July 2014

Conradgallagher said:

When I get advice like this I also try to remember that it's probably a little bit hard or scary to hear. Our parents and grandparents did the best they could with what they knew, and finding out that those things they probably were super careful to do are now considered dangerous might make some people feel crappy or like we're saying they weren't good parents.

I also know some of it is hard for them to deal with because they were told the exact opposite. It scares the crap out of my grandma that we put babies to sleep on their backs. She was always told that if they did that and the baby spit up they would choke on it and die. So her instinctual response is just that it's totally unsafe. She has to really remind herself that they've learned the risk of that is much less than the risk of SIDs.
I'm really glad you made this point because sometimes I hear that in my moms voice when she says "we didn't know that when you were a baby" or something along those lines. It hurts my heart a little because she is such a great mom and hearing that whatever she did is no longer considered "safe" probably is difficult to comprehend.

^^^ All of this. I don't want her to feel like I think she was a bad mom for doing it differently, and I just worry that I'm not conveying that properly. After all, I adore my DH, and think he turned out wonderfully, so it's really hard for me to argue that I want to do anything differently than she did.

hizah05 · July 2014

Irisheyes1247 said:

I have to be honest, it kind of seems like you're looking for a fight when your first thought at receiving a gift (whether one you wanted or not) is to call the giver and tell them 1 - you don't want it and 2 - why you won't be using it.

I've personally found it best to listen to what people have to say, be gracious about the gifts they give, and then do what works best for you/your baby/your family. No reason you need to engage in an argument about it.

Honestly, I thought the exact same thing. My first thought was to wonder why you would make your husband call right away to tell her you wouldn't be using it. Just accept the gift. If you don't have space for it, exchange it for something you'll use or donate it. No big deal. If she comes to your house and asks where it is then you can talk about it but otherwise I would have never brought it up.

I find the comments about how we were raised hilarious actually. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, "driving", home from the store. When someone mentions that they just strapped kids in the front seat or held them while driving or whatever I usually just say, "Isn't it amazing we all survived?" Then I usually explain why the safety standard has changed as a lot of people don't know. People are going to judge how you do things no matter what.

nienot · July 2014

hizah05 said:

Irisheyes1247 said:

I have to be honest, it kind of seems like you're looking for a fight when your first thought at receiving a gift (whether one you wanted or not) is to call the giver and tell them 1 - you don't want it and 2 - why you won't be using it.

I've personally found it best to listen to what people have to say, be gracious about the gifts they give, and then do what works best for you/your baby/your family. No reason you need to engage in an argument about it.

Honestly, I thought the exact same thing. My first thought was to wonder why you would make your husband call right away to tell her you wouldn't be using it. Just accept the gift. If you don't have space for it, exchange it for something you'll use or donate it. No big deal. If she comes to your house and asks where it is then you can talk about it but otherwise I would have never brought it up.

I find the comments about how we were raised hilarious actually. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, "driving", home from the store. When someone mentions that they just strapped kids in the front seat or held them while driving or whatever I usually just say, "Isn't it amazing we all survived?" Then I usually explain why the safety standard has changed as a lot of people don't know. People are going to judge how you do things no matter what.

I replied above, but I should have clarified. I didn't exactly make him call her right away to tell her. He talks to his mom every day after work for a good 30 minutes to an hour. So, I knew he was going to be calling her anyway, and just asked him to mention it. Another big thing is that there is so much that we really do need on our registry, and I'm not expecting to receive a lot of it, so we need help in those areas more and we wanted to make sure they knew that instead of spending a lot of money on things we don't need, or already have.

I agree that some of the stories I hear are really amusing. I, too, used to ride around in my dad's lap all the time.

I had an elderly woman who works with me ask if I was going to express when I came back to work. I thought it was kind of weird she was asking, but I told her yes. She shut my door and said, now let me give you some tips. I would get a plastic bag and lean over it and squeeze my breasts together like this, and it was the best way I found to express...if I didn't lean over, the milk didn't come out as well. I was like oh, woah...no...I'm going to use a breast pump. She had no idea that they had machines that did that for you now and seemed sort of appalled. It was pretty funny

CplusJ=S · July 2014

I always accept a gift graciously and if we don't need or want to use it I donate it to Goodwill. As far as advice, I tell them that safety standards have changed over the years and that I have thoroughly researched the subject and this is what I feel comfortable doing. Luckily, I haven't had much push back on any of my parenting decisions, but if I did I would not argue. There is no point. I would thank them and keep doing what my mothering instinct tells me.

chardonnay24 · July 2014

Considering this is a constant battle even after the baby is born (birthdays, Christmas, etc), I've found it best to just graciously accept items and then decide to return/donate/toss anything that I don't want. It is usually not an issue with the gift giver because they usually have no idea that we aren't using their gift. If they ever notice and say something, I'll just say something like, "Well, safety standards have changed and we weren't comfortable with XYZ" and leave it at that. But I don't think we've ever had an issue, especially considering we don't have my ILs over much, so they have no idea how much we use/don't use their gifts.

BabyMayinMarch · July 2014

That really is tough situation though. I would just accept, and then put it away if you don't want to use it. Then next year donate/garage sale/throw out. I don't like conflict though, so that is my opinon!

MrsLaLaBug · July 2014

It can def be a touchy situation. But accepting things that simply are NOT safe like an old car seat or a drop-side crib are so different than say, a quilt from when so-and-so was a baby. I agree with the accept graciously then pitch it method.

JGuevara64 · July 2014

Are they upset because your aren't accepting what they are giving? Or do you think they are upset because of the whole we plan on doing things different than you did? *Sorry I couldn't think of a better way to phrase that second question.

If it is an issue of not taking what they offer...would they be willing to do something more sentimental...like something handmade? Would that make them feel better? Possibly a quilt or something that you feel that you would use or decorate the nursery with.

If it is the other thing...then I agree with PP. Its a safety issue so it is better to be cautious.

nienot · July 2014

JGuevara64 said:

Are they upset because your aren't accepting what they are giving? Or do you think they are upset because of the whole we plan on doing things different than you did? *Sorry I couldn't think of a better way to phrase that second question.

If it is an issue of not taking what they offer...would they be willing to do something more sentimental...like something handmade? Would that make them feel better? Possibly a quilt or something that you feel that you would use or decorate the nursery with.

If it is the other thing...then I agree with PP. Its a safety issue so it is better to be cautious.

Great question. It's been an issue of me saying that we don't want to do things a certain way and her being upset by that (which I think she might take as a jab at her parenting skills, and it's not).

For example, we didn't want to take their 28 year old crib with the drop side for safety reasons, and she was very upset about that, and went on and on about how my DH and his cousins used it and were fine. Additionally, when stroller shopping, she couldn't figure out why we thought we needed anything more than a cheapo umbrella stroller, because that's all they ever had. She also didn't think we needed a bedside sleeper, because they just put him in his crib right away, etc. I'm using a midwife and not delivering at a hospital, and she was offended that I'm not using drugs, because as she keeps telling me: use as many drugs as they offer you to get through it. I just don't want to do it that way.

It's mostly all been about how things are being done and not the actual item itself. Hopefully I explained that correctly.

hizah05 · July 2014

wpatx said:

hizah05 said:

Irisheyes1247 said:

I have to be honest, it kind of seems like you're looking for a fight when your first thought at receiving a gift (whether one you wanted or not) is to call the giver and tell them 1 - you don't want it and 2 - why you won't be using it.

I've personally found it best to listen to what people have to say, be gracious about the gifts they give, and then do what works best for you/your baby/your family. No reason you need to engage in an argument about it.

Honestly, I thought the exact same thing. My first thought was to wonder why you would make your husband call right away to tell her you wouldn't be using it. Just accept the gift. If you don't have space for it, exchange it for something you'll use or donate it. No big deal. If she comes to your house and asks where it is then you can talk about it but otherwise I would have never brought it up.

I find the comments about how we were raised hilarious actually. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, "driving", home from the store. When someone mentions that they just strapped kids in the front seat or held them while driving or whatever I usually just say, "Isn't it amazing we all survived?" Then I usually explain why the safety standard has changed as a lot of people don't know. People are going to judge how you do things no matter what.

I replied above, but I should have clarified. I didn't exactly make him call her right away to tell her. He talks to his mom every day after work for a good 30 minutes to an hour. So, I knew he was going to be calling her anyway, and just asked him to mention it. Another big thing is that there is so much that we really do need on our registry, and I'm not expecting to receive a lot of it, so we need help in those areas more and we wanted to make sure they knew that instead of spending a lot of money on things we don't need, or already have.

I agree that some of the stories I hear are really amusing. I, too, used to ride around in my dad's lap all the time.

I had an elderly woman who works with me ask if I was going to express when I came back to work. I thought it was kind of weird she was asking, but I told her yes. She shut my door and said, now let me give you some tips. I would get a plastic bag and lean over it and squeeze my breasts together like this, and it was the best way I found to express...if I didn't lean over, the milk didn't come out as well. I was like oh, woah...no...I'm going to use a breast pump. She had no idea that they had
machines that did that for you now and seemed sort of appalled. It was pretty funny

This is hilarious!! I can't believe she didn't know there were pumps but the fact that she was showing you how she used to do it is seriously making me laugh! Love it!

JGuevara64 · July 2014

wpatx said:

JGuevara64 said:

Are they upset because your aren't accepting what they are giving? Or do you think they are upset because of the whole we plan on doing things different than you did? *Sorry I couldn't think of a better way to phrase that second question.

If it is an issue of not taking what they offer...would they be willing to do something more sentimental...like something handmade? Would that make them feel better? Possibly a quilt or something that you feel that you would use or decorate the nursery with.

If it is the other thing...then I agree with PP. Its a safety issue so it is better to be cautious.

Great question. It's been an issue of me saying that we don't want to do things a certain way and her being upset by that (which I think she might take as a jab at her parenting skills, and it's not).

For example, we didn't want to take their 28 year old crib with the drop side for safety reasons, and she was very upset about that, and went on and on about how my DH and his cousins used it and were fine. Additionally, when stroller shopping, she couldn't figure out why we thought we needed anything more than a cheapo umbrella stroller, because that's all they ever had. She also didn't think we needed a bedside sleeper, because they just put him in his crib right away, etc. I'm using a midwife and not delivering at a hospital, and she was offended that I'm not using drugs, because as she keeps telling me: use as many drugs as they offer you to get through it. I just don't want to do it that way.

It's mostly all been about how things are being done and not the actual item itself. Hopefully I explained that correctly.

Oh ok..I get it.

Maybe I guess it would be best if she didn't know all the details. Maybe the less details she has the less she can comment on.

And if she does make a comment then you can always say "thanks we will take that into consideration" or something that signifies that you hear her but that it may not be what you plan on doing. I had a similar problem with my ILs contradicting things that I had planned. I got the advice to just listen to what they had to say and keep it moving. At some point they should realize that this is your child and you plan on doing things as you see fit...as they probably wanted when they had their kids...well at least *HOPEFULLY* that point comes.

LexiT88 · July 2014

My FIL tried to convince me that he heard a story on NPR about how babies only need to nurse/formula until they are 6 weeks old and that after that they can have solids. I said "that's interesting" and nursed DS until he was 15 months. DS was probably 4 months old at the time and FIL was super uncomfortable with me BFing, actually so was my MIL. With any unwanted advice I just say ok and then do what I want. They had their turn 30 years ago, things have changed.

Bella2425 · July 2014

I have run into this not with people giving me things but my parents and in-laws wanting to use baby stuff they've saved from when we were kids. Both sets of parents thought I was completely bat-s crazy for not letting my kid sleep in the old crib and bringing my own pack n play. They also completely and totally don't get the carseat laws. I am a VERY passive and non-confrontational person but when it came to my baby I let them know exactly how I feel. Pretty sure it took them by surprise, but they don't give me as much trouble about it anymore.

RedBaramid · July 2014

My FIL is the only person pushing for us to take used(and no longer safe) things from the family (not surprising, he's kind of an idiot). Our go to answer has always been, "This is our first and we'd like to start fresh with her and our family, but if we desperately need something and you have it we'd be glad to take it off your hands if we can't get it new." He is NOT the kind of person who can be told he is wrong in any sort of fashion without a fight, so this kind of logic works best with him. He can understand us wanting *new* for our *first* but not that a drop side crib and bumpers are an unnecessary risk because "Well when I grew up in Soviet Russia..."

mrsH1112 · July 2014

I couldnt begin to tell you the amount of baby and non baby stuff my in laws constantly give us that we will never use/wear/debut etc. Ive told them a bunch of times not to buy us certain types of things and explain why, but they still do.

So Im with the others, we accept it and say thanks and then never use it. We either toss it, or give it to someone whos into it etc. They ask about it a few times, and I tell them we are using it, or we trie it and it didnt work out etc and they never ask again.

Ive made it very clear to my parents and his that there are going to be things with the baby that we do that they didnt do and they might not completly get behind but its our baby to find our own way with and we appreciate any advice and support they give.

LadyLawyerTTC · July 2014

I hate the comment "we did it that way and survived." My response is that the kids who didn't survive aren't here to say so. I am sensitive to the fact that parents/grandparents might feel like the younger generation considers them bad parents because they didn't know all the safety things we know now. One way I've addressed that, say with crib bumpers, is I acknowledge that millions of babies have used them without incident, but we know there is a small risk of suffocation now, because a few babies have died. It's not worth it to me to take that small risk, now that we have the information.

I actually know a family that lost their first child about 35 years ago because they were in a relatively minor car accident and the baby flew out of the mother's arms and into the windshield. That would-be 35 year old isn't here to answer the people who say, we did it all the time and you survived. And you can count on it that his mother isn't saying that to her other kids about the grandkids! She's so thankful that now we know all infants should be in proper infant car seats.

AR1of2 · July 2014

@wpatx‌

I had an elderly woman who works with me ask if I was going to express when I came back to work. I thought it was kind of weird she was asking, but I told her yes. She shut my door and said, now let me give you some tips. I would get a plastic bag and lean over it and squeeze my breasts together like this, and it was the best way I found to express...if I didn't lean over, the milk didn't come out as well. I was like oh, woah...no...I'm going to use a breast pump. She had no idea that they had machines that did that for you now and seemed sort of appalled. It was pretty funny

This (a) has me dyinggg lol and (b) makes me so very glad we don't have to do it the old fashioned way!!

Edited to try to correct the quote...don't think it worked.

jessicainkentucky · July 2014

Surprisingly, I haven't had anyone really try to push their opinion or even items on me. I'm always thankful for anything I receive as the other ladies stated. It doesn't mean I have to use it. But I could never imagine expressing my gratitude even if it was something that I never plan on using.

nienot · July 2014

jessicainkentucky said:
Surprisingly, I haven't had anyone really try to push their opinion or even items on me. I'm always thankful for anything I receive as the other ladies stated. It doesn't mean I have to use it. But I could never imagine expressing my gratitude even if it was something that I never plan on using.

Absolutely, and that was my concern. All along I have wanted her to know how thankful we are for her thoughtfulness, etc. but I know she is very sensitive and would be offended if she didn't see it in the nursery. So, it was going to be addressed one way or another.

We are always very thankful, and make sure they know that

Djcieply · July 2014

My MIL would get a real attitude with me when she would tell me I had to try and let DS sleep on his tummy when he was a newborn, because thats how her kids slept and I would tell her no Im not putting him to sleep on his tummy. I had to send her stats on how SIDS and suffocation deaths have decreased since promoting babies sleeping on their back for her to finally back off about it.

I think the attitude was her getting defensive and taking it as me calling her a bad mom, though thats not what I was meaning at all. Im sure if she would have had the research then that we have now she would have thought twice about putting a newborn to sleep on their tummy.

I had a 1st cousin die of SIDS (it was an actual SIDS death not accidental suffocation) so I was and am especially freaked out by it.

megs2011 · July 2014

Mil gave us a bunch of dh's old crap and we threw it out. She was trying to clean out her house. Gee thanks mil. I'd say accept it and get rid of it or be upfront. Lucky for me, my parents listen to what i have to say and respect my decisions. DH's parents aren't around much so I tend to not have to worry too much with them.

lbonga1 · July 2014

I haven't really gotten any of those comments, but I did take a breathable bumper and use if for baby proofing...it's currently wrapped around our glass TV stand, so DD won't get into it.

aliciak316 · July 2014

I just smile and say thank you and then just don't use it. No one seems to notice, or at least they don't say anything, expect my husbands aunt. She bought us one of those mirrors for the car so you can see the baby, but my friend who is a car seat safety freak scared me by saying in an accident they can fly off and hit the baby causing way more damage. So I decided not to use it and every time she gets in my car she mentions it's not up even though I explained to her why we don't use it, I even offered to give it back so she can give it to someone else, I understand people use them all the time and it's no big deal it's just not for me but she always brings it up.

brachysira · July 2014

I also would just accept the gifts graciously, if they are small, and then keep them and either find another use or sell later. You do have to speak up about back sleep, not using blankets, etc. if grandma is going to be actually caring for your young baby. If MIL is over all the time and asks about the bumper, you could say, "well, we found out newborns are not supposed to use them" which then gets you off the hook for accepting and acting like you like something you don't want.

I would add that although it is irritating when you have a lot on your registry and people keep buying things that are not on it, you cannot really dictate what people buy. Even people very close to you will pick out their own personal favorites and there is no way you can say, "no, we only want what I said." DH may be able to say something like "my dear wife has been doing so much research into the latest safety research and a lot of thought has gone into that registry" but that's about it.

Also, I am worried that this may not be the last of interactions in which you decide something for your baby (your life, your family), DH spends an hour on the phone with his mother, and suddenly DH is no longer on board. I hope this is something you can work out without issue. And hopefully, when you and DH are both totally sleep deprived, MIL will either be helpful or will be able to forgo her calls.

ritzgrrl · July 2014

I'm learning a lot from this post! I didn't know breathable bumps weren't recommended anymore - guess I can chuck ours from four years ago. I was also considering buying one of those mirrors for the car seat. Won't be doing that anymore either.

trebekastan · July 2014

ritzgrrl said:

I'm learning a lot from this post! I didn't know breathable bumps weren't recommended anymore - guess I can chuck ours from four years ago. I was also considering buying one of those mirrors for the car seat. Won't be doing that anymore either.

With this whole mirror thing. Please be sure that you also don't have anything else loose in the car. No waterbottles, cups, umbrellas, cellphones, ect. That is where the actual danger comes in. It has nothing to do with the mirror. So unless you are planning on never having any of those items in your car, the mirror will be just fine.

conradraging · July 2014

<---- most definitely getting the mirror for the car. Haterz gon hate.

MMason12 · July 2014

trebekastan said:

ritzgrrl said:

I'm learning a lot from this post! I didn't know breathable bumps weren't recommended anymore - guess I can chuck ours from four years ago. I was also considering buying one of those mirrors for the car seat. Won't be doing that anymore either.

With this whole mirror thing. Please be sure that you also don't have anything else loose in the car. No waterbottles, cups, umbrellas, cellphones, ect. That is where the actual danger comes in. It has nothing to do with the mirror. So unless you are planning on never having any of those items in your car, the mirror will be just fine.

This! We'll be getting the mirror. If you've seen most people vehicles they have so much other loose stuff that can fly around in a car accident, the mirror is just one minor part. Everything from your phone, to your purse/work bag, lunch pail, diaper bag, cups, etc can fly around the car during an accident causing injury.

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