Having baby with husband in law school

sokomo · July 2014

Hello bump friends

My husband and I are planning on TTC this December, and if it happens right away, my husband will be starting his third year of law school when the baby is born. Right now, I'm the only one with a job and obviously would plan to take 3 months maternity leave. Not sure if anyone out there has ever had a similar situation but here are my questions:

How hard is it for a guy to have a baby as a 3L?
Is it silly for me to assume that going back to work after 3 months is realistic? What if my feelings change and I decide I want to stay home? We won't have the financial freedom to do that, so it's a bit stressful to think about. Have any of you HAD to go back to work after 3 months even though you didn't want to?
In general, our lives won't be as "together" as some other people when we have the baby, though we have a good deal of money saved up, supportive parents, etc. What are the pros and cons of having a baby before your totally secure financially, etc.?

I should add: My husband is going to one of the best law schools in the country, and right now he's at the top 10% of his class, so getting a job won't be too difficult. I expect he'll be employed upon graduating (the baby would be 5-7 months at that point.)

Any thoughts, comments, support, wisdom is greatly appreciated! I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BABY SO BADDD

sokomo · July 2014

It's more of an estimate based on if we start TTC in December (assuming we can conceive, and that it may take a few months)

sokomo · July 2014

Yes, thank you. I know how to use the Internet. My fb settings are set to private and I'm not searchable so whoever you found isn't me. Also this username isn't my real name.

Thanks for your input.. I'm more interested in hearing from people who've managed to have a baby and make it work with limited financial resources. My husband and I aren't POOR by any means, I have a good job with full health benefits and he is 2 years away from graduating law school. I'm just curious to hear from anyone who has had a baby during a time when the woman has been the only breadwinner in the house. I want to know how difficult it is to go back to work after 3 months, etc.

vjmc21 · July 2014

Lurker here, but I've been the wife of someone in law school, too, so I'll give you my thoughts, as you've asked.

1. I assume it would be very hard for a guy to have a new baby his last year of law school, especially while Bar prep is underway. I personally would (and did) try to avoid having a baby while my husband was studying for the Bar Exam. I very much relied on my husband's help during those first few months, and I can't imagine having done it alone while he was gone for 10-12 hours a day studying for the Bar. You also mentioned that he's top 10%. Is that something you're both willing to potentially sacrifice, or are you willing to pick up all of the slack to keep him there? If it's something you both really, really want, then I guess you'll make it work, but I can't imagine doing what you're doing, having been in a similar situation.

2. You won't know how you feel about going back to work until you do it. I know many people who were totally fine with it, and many who hated it, and a lot in-between. I personally hated it, but I was under contract for 6 more months, so I had to go back. It sucked so bad that I counted down the days until my contract expired, but that's just my personal experience, yours may vary.

3. I can't really think of any pros to having a baby when you're not ready financially, but one major con would be unexpected circumstances. What if your baby is born early? Can you afford a lengthy NICU stay? What if you get put on bedrest for a long period of time? Do you have enough money to support yourselves through that? If you do get pregnant right away, can you afford childcare for several months/years on just your salary? My husband was lucky and found a job right away, but the next year the market crashed, and most of the people a year below him struggled to find jobs, even the top students. If something bad happens, can you be the sole provider for an extended period of time?

In the end, only you and your husband know what you guys can handle. I personally would've never had a baby while my husband was in law school because of one of the reasons you mentioned (finances), but I also knew that I'd need him for emotional support, and that just wasn't a time in our lives together that he could've been there in the way I would've needed him. Best of luck with your decision!

sokomo · July 2014

Thank you all for your pragmatic, thoughtful responses. DH is very "full steam ahead" with this whole baby-making business, and of course I also want to have a baby soon but I tend to be more cautious about this stuff whereas he takes the "we will just work it out" approach.

Being able to hear your points of view and insights into potential cons of having a baby before DH has a steady job is really helpful. It's not necessarily what I want to hear but I think it's what I need to hear and will at least help me and DH have a realistic conversation about the potential downsides.

If any other lurkers have opinions - please share! Hoping this thread can help others in a similar situation...

dogperson11 · July 2014

I'll bite...

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and am our sole source of income. My husband is a full time student and is in his last year towards a degree in Fisheries and Wildlife. He's been busy doing research projects and internships over the last few months. It's 7:45pm on a Friday night and he's still more then 2 hours away in the forks gathering samples for a class.

This pregnancy was something that we planned. We budgeted and saved money for a long time to build a big emergency fund / cushion. We payed off a lot of our debt and waited to try to conceive until we felt we were in a good place financially. I was ready to try to conceive about 2 years before we actually started.

In January, when I was 7 weeks pregnant, I got laid off. I had been with my employer 3 years. I was one of the main supervisors. The company downsized from 5 locations to 2. Since then they have shut down all together. It was scary as crap to be unemployed. Thankfully I found another job, but there were 15 weeks where we relied on unemployment (which is NOT 100% of your normal pay) and used our savings. Plus, no job means no benefits. We have been paying a butt ton each month for private health insurance for both of us. Thankfully I just got on my new companies' plan this month. It was a big hit for us financially, but thankfully we had saved and saved in the years prior.

Unfortunately, since I was unemployed those 15 weeks, we used a lot of savings that we had ear marked for using for me to take time off after giving birth. We've decided to really scrimp by and I'll take 8 weeks off. If I'd had to (or if I still have to) go on bed rest that would eat into my postpartum time off.

You also need to consider the FMLA laws in your state. FMLA only protects your job for 12 weeks - it does not guarantee the same position when you return and it has nothing to do with being paid during leave. Most states require you work for a company with 50+ employees for 12+ months before you qualify for FMLA. A lot of people wrongly assume they are entitled to paid maternity leave, and that is rarely the case. Definitely something to look into with your HR department and something to budget in.

Something else to strongly consider is insurance costs. Sure, you may have "full benefits" at work, but what does that really mean? You'll still have copays, a deductible that has to be met, and a yearly max out of pocket that has to be met. Some plans are great, others aren't once you dig. I work in the healthcare field and my deductible is $1,500. My yearly max out of pocket is $9,000 and my deductible does NOT go towards it. That means we'll be paying about $10,500 out of pocket, not counting monthly premiums.

My last point will be maternity costs. Maternity clothes aren't cheap, and you'll need a decent amount of them. Don't forget to account for dress clothes vs weekend clothes and underwear / new bras.

I'm not trying to scare you or talk you out of anything. We are SO excited to meet our daughter in a few weeks. I'm just pointing out that even when you think you've got a good plan in place, anything can happen. We've been SO SO lucky that I've had an easy pregnancy and haven't had to miss work. Not everyone is that lucky. And like others have said, conceiving could the longer then you think. Might as well wait a few extra months to start trying to avoid some stressors that could very easily come up. In a few years down the road waiting a few months won't seem like a big deal.

ETA: I didn't touch on daycare costs, which depending on where you live can be anywhere from $600-2,000+ per month for an infant. I also didn't touch on actual baby costs. Really you only NEED a place for them to sleep and a car seat, but realistically you'll buy other things as well as spending a lot each month on diapers (or a decent amount up front if you cloth diaper). Formula is also really expensive, and even if you plan to breast feed there may be obstacles you can't change that make it so you can't.

sokomo · July 2014

Lots of really good points dogperson11.. thank you for sharing your story. I am thinking about this whole thing in an entirely different way now thanks to you and the other ladies who commented here.

Best of luck with LO and with everything else, sounds like it's been an uphill battle but I'm sure holding her in your arms will make all the hardships worth it

marathonmommy82 · July 2014

A few thoughts from a practicing attorney...I graduated from law school in 2007 and I can tell you, from first hand experience (like many of the other ladies here), that now is probably not the best time to TTC.

3L? That means, potentially, journal, moot court, internships, etc. It means, definitively, exams, final papers, bar review and the actual exam. It's less stressful, in a way, than 1L, because you know how to read cases, the classes are generally easier (federal civil procedure versus mediation!), but you have a lot *more* going on (getting ready to graduate, bar, etc.). Bar review is no joke. I was married during law school and my husband can tell you I was MIA during bar review. My day went like this: wake up, breakfast, practice essays, practice MPE, workout, lunch, library, study with my girlfriend, dinner, bar review prep class from 6-9, home, sleep, repeat. I cannot IMAGINE a newborn in that mix. I truly, truly cannot.

The career options right now for newly graduated lawyers? Is terrible. I think my class was the last one to be able to find jobs fairly "easily." Right now we have attorneys volunteering in our office (ASA).) -- barred attorneys who can't find jobs, working for free to make connections and improve their resumes. It's not like the days of yesteryear, when being a lawyer = easily finding a job that makes a lot of money. There's also no guarantee that YH will pass the Bar, and I don't know where you live, but in Maryland you can only sit twice/ year.

Is it silly for you to assume that going back to work after 3 months is realistic? I don't know -- I'm not you, so I can't tell you how you'll feel.

I get it. I had baby fever through some of law school, and MH wanted a baby too, but we decided that I needed to (1) graduate, (2) pass the Bar, and (3) find a job before we would TTC.

GL

sokomo · July 2014

It's really quite sad, @Joy2611 and @14whitney that people like you haven't learned the very simple lesson: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

And on that note, I wish you both the best of luck with getting pregnant. Hopefully having a child will make you both kinder, more compassionate people. Truly, I can't imagine going through the world with such a chip on my shoulder.

To the rest of you who have commented here: Thank you for your thoughts. Obviously every situation is different and it will be up to me and DH to determine what is best for us. We will fully discuss and weigh the pros and cons before making any final decision.

mylittlesunshine · July 2014

How hard is it for a guy to have a baby as a 3L?

My DH was in law school before we had children, but honestly I can't imagine having a baby during that time. My DH spent hours studying even after he graduated for the bar exam. He was pretty much absent during that time.

Is it silly for me to assume that going back to work after 3 months is realistic?

I am a SAHM now, but I was a FT WM and went back after having each of my daughters when they were 6 weeks old because I had to. I didnt want to, but I had to work because we had high student loan payments from his school.

What if my feelings change and I decide I want to stay home? We won't have the financial freedom to do that, so it's a bit stressful to think about.

If you know you don't have the financial freedom to SAH, then it probably won't be an option. I know you said DH is in the top 10% of a good school, but don't bank on that for anything. Nothing is guaranteed. Getting a good paying job sure as hell isn't guaranteed.

Also, on the note of finances, don't forget he will have to pay back his loans (unless he had help/scholarships). We have a shit ton of debt (about 6 figures) that we will probably paying off the rest of our lives.

Lastly, I know it is hard to want to wait, but coming from someone who has had a DH in law school, you would be wise to wait until he is done and has a job. What happens if he gets a doesn't pass the bar or doesn't earn enough to support a child. It is only another year. Totally worth the wait IMO

sokomo · July 2014

Thanks @mylittlesunshine, for your post.

I would like to just clarify a few points, since some people posting in here seem more interested in attacking me than in trying to understand the nuances of my situation:

My husband wants a baby, probably more than I do - in fact, he's the one who is pushing to start TTC in Dec., I could honestly wait another year but he's really eager to get started. So, for those of you calling me "selfish" and saying I should think about DH.. I AM thinking about him, more than he's thinking about himself, hence the whole reason for starting this thread. I understand this may not have come across in my OP and my apologies for that. Though I did make a subsequent post about how badly DH wants to have a baby.

We have a great support system - both of our parents are willing and able to help out financially and otherwise. And we have a good deal of money saved up, the equivalent of about 4 months of my salary.

I know it's unrealistic for me to be a SAHM and that's not the plan. The plan is to take 3 months paid maternity leave that my company offers and then go back to work. I was just curious to hear from women who have done this themselves... and how emotionally taxing they found it to be.

painttheair14 · July 2014

I have a different opinion on financial preparedness. It's good to be smart, but I don't think you need to be completely saved up.

If you have insurance that's the main thing. Most maternity items can be bought at thrift stores if you need them. Baby stuff can be gotten at showers (hopefully) or bought used (aside from car seat).

We haven't bought anything for our 6 month old aside from cloth diapers and a crib. While I know not everyone is that fortunate, I think the cost of babies is largely overestimated. Now when we get to buying things for sports, school, etc.. That's another story. Don't even talk to me about college!

marathonmommy82 · July 2014

Dup

marathonmommy82 · July 2014

How hard is it to have a baby during 3L/ bar review/ job hunting (despite your rosy predictions, it's a B out here)? Very. I cannot imagine thinking TTC would be a good idea before your husband has a JD, Esq., and a job.

he may want a baby badly too, but he will not be around to help during Bar Review.

People here made good, thoughtful points. Why did you ask the question if you weren't interested in an hour response except "GO FOR IT!!11!! It's totes easy to have a baby during the most stressful 2 months of your life!" ?

Valancyy · July 2014

sophiakosmas said:

We have a great support system - both of our parents are willing and able to help out financially and otherwise. And we have a good deal of money saved up, the equivalent of about 4 months of my salary.

If you need to rely on your parents for financial support, then you're not ready to have a baby. Also, I wouldn't consider 4 months of salary in savings to be "a good deal". Especially when planning a baby. It's probably sufficient for your current situation, but not a lot when planning a baby under the circumstances you're describing.

You're asking for advice, and from a completely objective position I would say to wait until your husband graduates and gets a job. Then go for it. That's the responsible thing to do. You can do whatever you want, but you asked for advice. Also, newborns are hard work, and I wouldn't want to do it while my husband was so involved with school.

sokomo · July 2014

Joy2611 said:

sophiakosmas said:

I should add: My husband is going to one of the best law schools in the country, and right now he's at the top 10% of his class, so getting a job won't be too difficult. I expect he'll be employed upon graduating (the baby would be 5-7 months at that point.)

*************************

Oh. Okay then. ::eye roll::

EDIT: He will still have to pass the bar exam before becoming a lawyer and reaping lawyer's pay. And that's assuming he gets a job immediately. There are plenty of unemployed lawyers here in Philadelphia. And many of them also went to the (puke) top schools in the country and were top 10% of their class. Humility will do you well.

Geezus. You seem so incredibly naïve from this whole post.

@Joy2611 Plenty of people here have given me a dose of "real" advice without shitting all over me. If you can't see how the above post from you could have put me on the defensive, then I do believe you may be more naive than I.

I also don't classify "real" advice as "Oh! I have an opinion and a snarky comment!" but as something based on experience. Obviously we have different ideas of what constitutes real advice.

marathonmommy82 said:

Why did you ask the question if you weren't interested in an hour response except "GO FOR IT!!11!! It's totes easy to have a baby during the most stressful 2 months of your life!" ?

This. When did I ever say I wasn't interested in any response except "GO FOR IT!!!"? I would really like to know. Please, show me.

vjmc21 · July 2014

sokomo said:
Thanks @mylittlesunshine, for your post.

I would like to just clarify a few points, since some people posting in here seem more interested in attacking me than in trying to understand the nuances of my situation:

My husband wants a baby, probably more than I do - in fact, he's the one who is pushing to start TTC in Dec., I could honestly wait another year but he's really eager to get started. So, for those of you calling me "selfish" and saying I should think about DH.. I AM thinking about him, more than he's thinking about himself, hence the whole reason for starting this thread. I understand this may not have come across in my OP and my apologies for that. Though I did make a subsequent post about how badly DH wants to have a baby.

We have a great support system - both of our parents are willing and able to help out financially and otherwise. And we have a good deal of money saved up, the equivalent of about 4 months of my salary.

I know it's unrealistic for me to be a SAHM and that's not the plan. The plan is to take 3 months paid maternity leave that my company offers and then go back to work. I was just curious to hear from women who have done this themselves... and how emotionally taxing they found it to be.

I don't think the concern was for your husband. Babies cost money, and can be emotionally taxing. Having a baby when you're not financially secure, or when support from one partner might be difficult because of other circumstances, isn't the best situation to bring a baby into, especially when both circumstances are temporary. I'm not making judgments about your ability to handle that situation, but, in general, it doesn't seem ideal for a baby.

Also, it's great to have a support system aside from your partner, and it's good that you're thinking ahead to who that can be, however, I would ask anyone you're expecting to go above and beyond exactly how much they're willing to contribute. I would consider financial help, or the amount of help you may need while your husband is finishing his JD to be above and beyond. You may be expecting more than what you're support system is willing or able to provide. Even parents who really, really want grandchildren might not be too excited to donate tons of time or money. Just another thing to think about!

sokomo · July 2014

Joy2611 said:
Sometimes you need to get shit on to get it. ::shrug::

EDIT: I make no apologies. I think your attitude is dreadful and your expectations very selfish. This is a serious questions and deserves a kick in the pants answer. I'm not going to sugar coat it since you seem like you're drifting through LaLa Land.

Take my advice or don't, but don't for one second delude yourself into thinking that what I said wasn't the truth. You need a dose of reality.

Hahahahahaha.. Thank you @Joy2611! You're so right. My attitude IS dreadful and my expectations ARE selfish, and I never would have come to this realization without you. YOU HAVE SAVED ME!!!

14whitney said:

You cannot fucking tell people how they can and cannot respond to a post. Get thicker skin and don't ask for advice if you aren't willing to accept advice from people that have a different opinion than you.

As anyone with eyes can see, dear friend, I have accepted advice from many people throughout this discussion with differing opinions. Sometimes, it's all in the delivery. I am open to hearing different opinions from people when they don't come across as trolls. Alas, it's hard to take advice from people like you because you can't seem to give advice without being a complete lunatic lololol.

But, by all means - keep posting! Post away! I look forward to hearing the full range of non-constructive comments that I'm sure you have hidden up your sleeve

vjmc21 · July 2014

14whitney said:

vjmc21 said:

sokomo said:
Thanks @mylittlesunshine, for your post.

I would like to just clarify a few points, since some people posting in here seem more interested in attacking me than in trying to understand the nuances of my situation:

My husband wants a baby, probably more than I do - in fact, he's the one who is pushing to start TTC in Dec., I could honestly wait another year but he's really eager to get started. So, for those of you calling me "selfish" and saying I should think about DH.. I AM thinking about him, more than he's thinking about himself, hence the whole reason for starting this thread. I understand this may not have come across in my OP and my apologies for that. Though I did make a subsequent post about how badly DH wants to have a baby.

We have a great support system - both of our parents are willing and able to help out financially and otherwise. And we have a good deal of money saved up, the equivalent of about 4 months of my salary.

I know it's unrealistic for me to be a SAHM and that's not the plan. The plan is to take 3 months paid maternity leave that my company offers and then go back to work. I was just curious to hear from women who have done this themselves... and how emotionally taxing they found it to be.
I don't think the concern was for your husband. Babies cost money, and can be emotionally taxing. Having a baby when you're not financially secure, or when support from one partner might will be difficult because of other circumstances, isn't the best situation to bring a baby into, especially when both circumstances are temporary. I'm not making judgments about your ability to handle that situation, but, in general, it doesn't seem ideal for a baby. Also, it's great to have a support system aside from your partner, and it's good that you're thinking ahead to who that can be, however, I would wouldn't ask anyone you're expecting to go above and beyond exactly how much they're willing to contribute. I would wouldn't consider financial help, or the amount of help you may need while your husband is finishing his JD to be above and beyond. You may be expecting more than what you're support system is willing or able to provide. Even parents who really, really want grandchildren might not be too excited to donate tons of time or money. Just another thing to think about!

BOLD.

Oh, I'm suggesting that they have this conversation with their parents because I think it will be more powerful to hear it from them that they're not ready for a baby if they can't pay for one themselves. I can't imagine that asking their parents to pony up a bunch of time and money because they want a baby NOW is going to go over too well...

For the record, I agree with you. From personal experience, giving into baby fever at this time in their lives isn't a good idea.

vjmc21 · July 2014

@14whitney‌ Your edits made me laugh! Wasn't offended at all, just clarifying.

marikamagazine · July 2014

(I'm brand new here...hello everyone!!)

I think TTC in December is not a bad idea, if both you and your husband are on board. It sounds like hubby is really the #1 person pushing for this, so really you just need to decide if you're ready.

If the baby will be 5-7 months upon graduation, and you will have 3 months paid maternity leave, plus the possibility of returning to work afterwards, I don't see it as being irresponsible to have a baby.

Even if you have to quit work completely, you have 4 months of your expenses saved up (plus at least 9 months to add to that savings). Supportive family is a huge plus also (are they nearby?). Is there a possibility of going back to work only part-time after having the baby?

My husband is getting his doctorate and although we don't have kids, tons of people in grad school do and they make it work (granted, maybe law school is a different ball game). As far as pros and cons... starting earlier is better in terms of health. It may also be better to get through the newborn stage when hubby is in school and not having to go to a full-time job. Just my 2 cents. =]

marikamagazine · July 2014

The wives of grad students I know have said that it's easier to get through the newborn stage while their husbands schedules are more flexible and they are able to help out more. And those who have graduated say life gets more stressful after graduation. Just what I've heard. =]

ashiscute · July 2014

OP being financially ready doesn't necessarily mean having a significant amount of money saved up. But it's odd to TTC while YH doesn't have a job and isn't planning to get one for a year. I would wait till he has a job with benefits honestly.

What happens if you have to go on bedrest while pregnant and are unable to work? Short term disability is only 2/3rds of your salary. Would YH get a part time job while in school? Have you researched what your company offers for maternity leave? Most places you don't actually get paid for 3 months. You just get your job guaranteed. I think it works out for most people but why chance it?

sokomo · July 2014

LOL @MandJS that sounds like a nightmare!

Thanks for your input - It's hard for me to gauge just how much work bar prep will be and MH doesn't seem too concerned about it.. He works hard in law school but definitely not as hard as his classmates and he still did really well in his first year. But the info you gave is exactly what I'm looking for since, like I said, I'm totally ignorant when it comes to how much work 3L/bar prep will be and DH is no help!

marathonmommy82 · July 2014

marikamagazine said:

The wives of grad students I know have said that it's easier to get through the newborn stage while their husbands schedules are more flexible and they are able to help out more. And those who have graduated say life gets more stressful after graduation. Just what I've heard. =]

Once again, for the cheap seats in the back:

NOT. DURING. BAR. REVIEW.

but hey, don't listen to me, I've just been through it.

marathonmommy82 · July 2014

MandJS said:

I'm a lawyer. I wasn't even willing to plan a wedding during bar prep. The thought of a newborn around while studying for the bar? Yeah, no. I had a puppy, which was already ALMOST too much for me to handle. As it was, the puppy got into some baking supplies and made an epic mess while we were sleeping the night before the bar. Guess who cleaned it up? (Hint, it wasn't me. In fact, we woke up to the noise, saw the mess, and I kicked DH out of bed, closed the door, and went back to sleep, with warnings not to vacuum until later.)

The job market truly DOES suck. Unless/until your husband has a job, just... don't. I've had 2 kids already. Trust me - you need to wait on this one.

Ha, I remember that the cabinets - holding our new dishes - just fell off the wall (old house, shitty rehab, blah blah) --- broken plates, glasses, etc. everywhere. I shrugged, asked MH to clean it up and buy some paper plates, and went to bed. No time or energy to care.

I seriously cannot imagine thinking TTC would be a good idea during 3L/ bar review/ job search and I'm frankly shocked the OP is even considering it.

marikamagazine · July 2014

MrsMuq said:

marikamagazine said:

(I'm brand new here...hello everyone!!)

I think TTC in December is not a bad idea, if both you and your husband are on board. It sounds like hubby is really the #1 person pushing for this, so really you just need to decide if you're ready.

If the baby will be 5-7 months upon graduation, and you will have 3 months paid maternity leave, plus the possibility of returning to work afterwards, I don't see it as being irresponsible to have a baby.
Even if you have to quit work completely, you have 4 months of your expenses saved up (plus at least 9 months to add to that savings). Supportive family is a huge plus also (are they nearby?). Is there a possibility of going back to work only part-time after having the baby?

My husband is getting his doctorate and although we don't have kids, tons of people in grad school do and they make it work (granted, maybe law school is a different ball game). As far as pros and cons... starting earlier is better in terms of health. It may also be better to get through the newborn stage when hubby is in school and not having to go to a full-time job. Just my 2 cents. =]

Please keep your 2 cents.

It is irresponsible to have a child when you are not financially sound. End of story.

You don't save up 4-6 months worth of salary to have for when baby is here should neither of you have a job. You make sure you have a steady income first. And the savings is in case you get laid off or there is an unexpected large expense, or an illness. u don't bank on savings to carry you through maternity leave.

And family as childcare - what happens if her husband takes a job out of state, where they know no one? What if her childcare provider (as family) gets sick? What if the family childcare provider dies suddenly (as is more likely to happen with older family members, and has happened to several women here)?

Your advice is terrible. It won't be harmful to OP's or the baby's health to wait another year or even two until she and her H are more stable, financially and emotionally, to TTC.

(And I say all this as someone who's H is in a doctoral program when I was pregnant, and is finishing now. Difference is, MH has a full-time, well-paying job with full benefits. And I worked prior to having DS.)

She said her maternity leave is paid, so she wouldn't be banking on savings to carry her through maternity leave. She has a steady income through her full-time job.

You do bring up a good point with the childcare. If they can't afford to pay for childcare while she works, then I agree, probably not the best time to TTC. Unless she has several family members willing to provide all day babysitting, which is probably unlikely. When I was speaking of family support earlier, I was mainly thinking about the emotional support being close to family provides.

If her husband takes a job out of state where they know no one, then she can stay home with the baby and wouldn't need a caregiver, since her hubby is working.

How old is the OP? Maybe waiting wouldn't hurt, but sometimes waiting until absolutely everything is planned out perfectly can be too late. Some of my friends are infertile and would give anything to have started trying earlier, even if it wasn't the ideal time financially.

vjmc21 · July 2014

sokomo said:
LOL @MandJS that sounds like a nightmare!

Thanks for your input - It's hard for me to gauge just how much work bar prep will be and MH doesn't seem too concerned about it.. He works hard in law school but definitely not as hard as his classmates and he still did really well in his first year. But the info you gave is exactly what I'm looking for since, like I said, I'm totally ignorant when it comes to how much work 3L/bar prep will be and DH is no help!

Just like there's no guarantee that he'll have a job right away because of good grades, there's no guarantee that he'll pass the bar exam, either. Many people with firsthand experience have tried telling you how much prep work it takes, but you keep coming back with how law school isn't difficult for him. It's not the same thing as law school, and he'll still have to study. A lot. You understand that now, right?

It seems like you had a few misconceptions about how easy it will be for your husband to pass the bar, then land a high paying job. Please take the posts from the attorneys telling you how hard both actually are seriously. Then take the posts from experienced moms telling you how hard babies can be and how things can go expensively awry seriously. Make sure you're going into this eyes wide open, knowing how difficult it might be, with backup plans if things do get difficult. (And if your backup plans are still your parents, make sure they consent first. It would be lousy of you to assume, then put them into a position where they HAVE to help you.)

MagicInk · July 2014

So I don't have any kids. But I did do the whole partner of someone in law school thing. And lemme tell you, I would not be adding extra stress to an already stressful time willingly. Honestly those three years are kind of a blur, but it was a difficult time. All night study sessions, scrambling to make the bills, a stressed out partner, I wouldn't want to go through it with a baby there as well.

Not to mention, counting on getting a job before even finish law school, is foolish. You don't count chickens that haven't hatched, because they might not hatch. You don't count on jobs you haven't landed, because no matter how golden you are, you might not land a job. Because someone else might be more golden.

sokomo · July 2014

That IS a good point. Right now, MH has his foot in the door at the local District Attorney's office - he's worked there before and they LOVE him. The guy in charge of hiring basically told him "let us know when you're on the job market and you've got a job." Obviously that's still NO guarantee - and I totally get that.

Regarding our finances: I have sat down and calculated expenses, including full time childcare should we need it, and based on what I'm making right now it's doable. We would have money left over at the end of each month even after over-estimating all our expenses (which is how I always put a budget together.. overestimate all our expenses).

It's hard. Nothing is guaranteed in this life - but I don't know how much I should let that stop me from TTC. A lot of people here are sharing horror stories, which totally need to be shared b/c WTF gotta be prepared for anything that might go wrong. BUT there's a young guy who goes to my husband's law school, who had a 5 month old at the beginning of his 3L WHILE his wife was in nursing school full time. I'm pretty close to the guy and asked him how the hell he was doing it and he was like "if you want to make it work, you make it work" and explained to me how him and his wife planned to have the baby, made sure their finances were okay, and then just went for it.

I'm not saying it's right for everyone, and I'm not saying I know what's best. It's important to always be aware of what can go wrong and to have contingency plans for worst-case-scenarios, but I have a great partner, a good job, and a support system (parents are nearby and my mom is about to retire and has offered to be our nanny so many times it's starting to make me uncomfortable.. )
$:\$ ">

marathonmommy82 · July 2014

sokomo said:

That IS a good point. Right now, MH has his foot in the door at the local District Attorney's office - he's worked there before and they LOVE him. The guy in charge of hiring basically told him "let us know when you're on the job market and you've got a job." Obviously that's still NO guarantee - and I totally get that. ....
------

Yup.

Unless, of course, he doesn't pass the Bar and they won't wait another year to hire him (as I previously mentioned, we have BARRED attorneys volunteering with us because the market sucks).

Or that job goes to someone else.

Or there is no money in the county/ State budget for that position.

Or the person who promised him the job is no longer at the office.

I'm not sure how else to say it. It's completely stupid, IMO, to TTC before your husband has passed the Bar, been sworn in, and actually has a job.

No one is sharing "horror stories" --- you really think me and the the other attorneys/ wives of attorneys are exaggerating bar review/ prep? Or that me and the other experienced moms are exaggerating how exhausting and tough life is with a newborn? What the the PPs - and I - previously shared are not out of the ordinary experiences.

sokomo · July 2014

Whoa, chill out... I don't think you or anyone else is exaggerating anything. My point was only that the comments here have been anecdotal, and that I've heard other stories and met other people who have made it work even before passing the bar. If I'm going to put off my plans for TTC based on anecdotal evidence, don't you think I should hear the good and the bad?

myatala · July 2014

Even if you go ahead and TTC, get pregnant, everything mostly goes according to plan... you can't predict if you'll be one of the many women who experience a postpartum mood disorder, either. You need to be sure you have emotional support in place before having a baby in case you have a rough time emotionally, even if you don't have a full-blown PPMD. If you wind up moving somewhere where you know no one it's so much harder to be a first-time mom.

Plus there are a zillion things that can go awry with TTC/pregnancy/birth that could affect your health or the health of your potential baby, and so many of those things could wipe out your savings, take you out of work for some amount of time, etc.

sokomo · July 2014

MandJS said:

Well fuck. If you have all the answers, why'd you ask us in the first place? You're going to do what you're going to do. No one here is going to pat your ass and say "That's the best plan EVER!" though.

Haha.. I KNOW it's not the "BEST PLAN EVER" good lord.. you people.

If you read my PPs you would see that I really wanted to hear from folks who had a SO in law school when they gave birth. Furthermore, a lot of people who have posted on here have brought up some really good points, which have opened up a dialogue between me and DH that we never would have had otherwise. Even if we still decide to TTC starting in Dec., we will have explored all the possible downsides, which neither one of us were really doing before.

I've also learned a lot about starting a discussion on this site in general - namely, y'all are NOT afraid to speak your minds LOL

Empireceo · July 2014

myatala said:

Even if you go ahead and TTC, get pregnant, everything mostly goes according to plan... you can't predict if you'll be one of the many women who experience a postpartum mood disorder, either. You need to be sure you have emotional support in place before having a baby in case you have a rough time emotionally, even if you don't have a full-blown PPMD. If you wind up moving somewhere where you know no one it's so much harder to be a first-time mom.

Plus there are a zillion things that can go awry with TTC/pregnancy/birth that could affect your health or the health of your potential baby, and so many of those things could wipe out your savings, take you out of work for some amount of time, etc.

This advice rubs me the wrong way. Yes, don't TTC before you're financially stable/ready. But discouraging someone because they "might" get PPD? If you only think about everything that might go wrong, you'll never decide to TTC.

myatala · July 2014

Empireceo said:

myatala said:

Even if you go ahead and TTC, get pregnant, everything mostly goes according to plan... you can't predict if you'll be one of the many women who experience a postpartum mood disorder, either. You need to be sure you have emotional support in place before having a baby in case you have a rough time emotionally, even if you don't have a full-blown PPMD. If you wind up moving somewhere where you know no one it's so much harder to be a first-time mom.

Plus there are a zillion things that can go awry with TTC/pregnancy/birth that could affect your health or the health of your potential baby, and so many of those things could wipe out your savings, take you out of work for some amount of time, etc.

This advice rubs me the wrong way. Yes, don't TTC before you're financially stable/ready. But discouraging someone because they "might" get PPD? If you only think about everything that might go wrong, you'll never decide to TTC.

Given how prevalent PPMDs are, I think it makes sense to have ample emotional support before giving birth so it's already in place if a PPMD develops. I know too many moms who struggled for too long before getting relief from their symptoms because they lacked the support that would help them focus on the necessary self-care and treatment for improving their mental health. Even moms without PPMD issues need support, but let's not pretend moms in high-stress situations (not having a full co-parent because spouse is too busy with law school and bar review for example) aren't at higher risk for struggling emotionally postpartum.

vjmc21 · July 2014

You did notice that instead of finding lots of examples of people who had babies while their partners were in law school, you found quite a few of us who actively avoided it, right?

And, yes, these stories are anecdotal in nature, but they're no more or less relevant to your own life than your friends who had a law school baby easy peasy. In fact, it's probably better to read the bad stuff so you're more prepared to make a good decision.

Take what everyone has said seriously, and if you can still realistically swing it, do what you're gonna do. If you're praying it will all somehow fall together, and there's zero room for error, it's probably not a good time.

I can tell that this isn't what you want to hear, but most people would've taken their ball and gone home by now, so good for you for sticking with the post!

sandrabrooke · July 2014

Better question. Why would you not want your husband to experience time with your first born child? That seems selfish to me. Even if he says it wouldn't bug him now, it will later on, potentially.

sandrabrooke · July 2014

14whitney said:

May I add that I am 10000% sure that your username was your first and last name considering you changed it after I told you that you should.

I totally thought the same way. Otherwise she wouldn't care.

sokomo · July 2014

14whitney said:

May I add that I am 10000% sure that your username was your first and last name considering you changed it after I told you that you should.

LOL - I changed it b/c I didn't want people to do what you did: Google my username, find whatever FB/blog was associated with it, and be like "THIS IS YOU ISN'T IT!?". That ain't me, dawg.

painttheair14 · July 2014

I'm in the " you'll find a way to make it work" boat.

You could plan it perfectly, have a steady job, and get pregnant then BAM! Laid off. You just never know. While it's smart to plan TTC a bit I think that many try to over-prepare for it.

I could share my anecdotal story, but instead will just say: do what you want! It will work out. Could be super hard, but it will work out.

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