3rd Trimester
jtrask12185
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Am I Being Unreasonable?
jtrask12185
member
Hi everyone. I wanted to get some input (and possible scolding if necessary) as to whether I am being unreasonable or overly emotional about a situation I am facing. I am a STM and about 34 weeks into a high risk pregnancy (severe pre-term pre-e during first pregnancy that led to delivery via emergency c-section at 32 weeks). Several months ago a friend offered to throw me a "sprinkle" since my toddler (2+) is a girl, and I am currently expecting a boy (EDD 08/27) this pregnancy. (I will add that I previously co-hosted her bridal shower and baby shower which were both large, elaborate affairs). Even though I had not anticipated anyone throwing me any kind of shower since this is my second child, she insisted that she wanted to throw a "sprinkle" since my first baby shower was somewhat ruined by my early delivery (I wasn't pregnant anymore, my daughter was still in the NICU, I was extremely emotional and in a lot of pain from my c-section, etc.). Several of my other friends that I work with also expressed wanting to assist in throwing a sprinkle (or were willing to hold something separately), which I told my friend who had originally brought up the idea and she told me just to have them contact her so they could plan it together. I will add that my friend was currently about 34 weeks pregnant when she made the offer, and that she just gave birth on May 26 (she is a FTM). When she offered to hostess a sprinkle I expressed concern as to whether she would be up for it (knowing how she is because she is far more easily overwhelmed then I am and I knew being a FTM might be more stressful than she was anticipating), and I told her that if at any time she wasn't up for it to let me know since my friends at work had said they were happy to take over planning. She assured me that she would be up for planning one for mid-July, and would let me know if she wasn't up for it. About 3 weeks ago one of my friends at work asked me for her number to reach out to her about planning, what she wanted others to do, etc., and she never responded to her even though I know she got her text message. I also mentioned to her that my friends at work wanted to know what the plan was, and again, wanted to know what they could do to help, and she told me she would text them back. My friends at work were hesitant to plan anything because they didn't want to "step on her toes" since she was the first one to come up with the idea, but at the same time want to do something for me before it is too late. Yesterday she finally texted my friend from work (and me) and suggested a date of August 9th for the sprinkle (I have already been diagnosed with pre-e again this pregnancy and have been on modified bed rest since the end of May with high BP and protein in my urine, although luckily it is progressing slower this time). However, in all likelihood I will already have delivered the baby, will be in the hospital, or will be on complete bedrest by August 9th, which is about 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. The latest my doctor will let me go is 39 weeks, or August 20. However, my friend is not available any other weekend between now and then as (1) this weekend is too soon to give anyone notice; (2) she is out of town next weekend; and (3) she has another conflict the weekend after. When I told her I was likely to be in the hospital or already have given birth by then, she then suggested we either (1) throw the sprinkle without her (even though it was her idea and no one else did anything because she told them not to without her), or (2) wait until after the baby is born to have it, even though we don't actually know when I am going to have the baby, and if he is a preemie I don't want everyone around my newborn. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to just tell her to forget it and not have one at all because I feel like she is being selfish where other people wanted to do something and didn't because they were waiting on her to respond to them? Am I also being unreasonable in being upset with her for making me feel like she doesn't care about my feelings after all of the other stuff I've co-hosted for her? I'm not being greedy and I really couldn't care if anyone even buys anything for the baby or not, but I do appreciate being "celebrated" as a person after going through a difficult pregnancy a second time, especially since I am the first person to step up for my other friends to plan stuff like this. At this point I feel like having a sprinkle when I already feel like crap and may not even be able to attend if it gets planned and then I'm giving birth or in the hospital will be more stressful then it is worth. Or, should I just suck it up and schedule it for sometime after the baby is born, and cut her some slack since I know she is struggling with motherhood?
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Re: Am I Being Unreasonable?
I get that, but it wasn't an offer of another "shower." There is a distinct difference between a "shower" and a "sprinkle" and what you just suggested they do is almost exactly what a sprinkle is . . . https://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/09/fashion/celebrating-a-new-baby-but-modestly.html?_r=0
As for the whole being "celebrated" thing, if you have never gone through an experience like my first pregnancy then you really shouldn't judge (since both me and my child almost died), and second, it was my friend who termed it like that, not me. I'm just human enough to admit that its nice when your friends want to do something for you, and human enough to admit I was looking forward to it since my first pregnancy experience was so crappy.
Also that word makes me want to vomit.
I totally understand that, but my point is I never wanted anything because I personally think that it is improper etiquette, which I voiced to my friend at the time she offered (mind you, she is the kind of person who had 3 bridal showers and a multitude of baby showers so her opinion on etiquette is very different than mine), and she blew off my concerns about etiquette. I would have much preferred a simple lunch or something like that. I feel like she steamrolled over my wishes from the beginning when I insisted I didn't want anything, and now I am dealing with the fallout from her dropping the ball (and hurt feelings that she got me excited about it and then didn't follow through), along with snarkiness from my friends at work who are pissed that she blew them off when they wanted to do something.
And, none of this solves the problem I have of how to tell my friend now that I don't want her to do anything without her feeling like I'm upset with her for dropping the ball after she browbeat me into this. My biggest concern is not hurting her feelings or making her feel bad when I already know she is not handling motherhood well (which I tried to warn her about from the beginning).
As for your friend planning a formal sprinkle... I think 37 1/2 weeks is late in the game even for a low risk pregnancy, I would just say thanks but no thanks at this point in time. I would be miffed too if someone said they were going to do something and then didn't, but I wouldn't hold it against her (and it doesn't seem to me that you will) you said she is stressing right now so it is easy to forgive and forget.
No one took offense to it. I figure it someone was hell bent on throwing me something they would just throw it.
No, that is not unreasonable. I had family that wanted to throw a shower, and I ended up politely declining because I just didn't feel up to being around 40 people.
Simply tell your friend that the time in which she's available, likely won't work for you. Thank her for her generosity and desire to do something nice for you, and decline the offer.