You are a douchebag if...

HerHighness · July 2014

Drive the speed limit in the PASSING lane.

kittyj25 · July 2014

bhjones1980 said:

there are SO many possibilities here!

You leave your shopping cart in the empty parking spot instead of returning it to the cart return, bonus points if the cart return is only 10 steps away.

I watched a woman do this at Walmart the other day. After standing the in way of a car trying to back out - for a full 5 minutes. After bitching when they asked her to move. After wadding up 3 plastic bags and throwing them to the ground. I wanted to punch her in the face.

jaztastic · July 2014

Rushing behind the EMT/Firetruck/Police after all the traffic has pulled off to the side... likewise, not pulling over for the EMT when you hear the sirens blazing.

angelg3134 · July 2014

If you forget to put ranch in my bag while going drive thru. OR anything for that matter.

PikoPiko · July 2014

Those at my work that take the elevator for 1 floor.

Double points for interrupting the elevator door while it's closing and then proceed the hold the fucking door for the rest of their 1-floor posse to get in.

Triple points if someone in this party smells. I hate summer. I'd never let my hubby go to work stinky, apparently plenty of women do around here.

bigtuna486 · July 2014

kittyj25 said:

bhjones1980 said:

there are SO many possibilities here!

You leave your shopping cart in the empty parking spot instead of returning it to the cart return, bonus points if the cart return is only 10 steps away.

I watched a woman do this at Walmart the other day. After standing the in way of a car trying to back out - for a full 5 minutes. After bitching when they asked her to move. After wadding up 3 plastic bags and throwing them to the ground. I wanted to punch her in the face.

Wow. I would have backed my car over her arse.

chickyclg · July 2014

You wear your sunglasses inside, and even worse when you want to ask a complete stranger a question!

YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT DUDE!!!

HerHighness · July 2014

Ahh mine was already said, blonde!

How about you are. Douchebag if you clutch your pearls and utter the phrase.... My kid would NeVER do that or act that way. Children have different personalities just like adults do.

smg2302 · July 2014

chickyclg said:

You wear your sunglasses inside, and even worse when you want to ask a complete stranger a question!
YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT DUDE!!!

I'm guilty of this one so bad. I wear prescription sunglasses, so for what I perceive to be quick trips, I don't want to be bothered to switch back to my normal glasses.

chickyclg · July 2014

smg2302 said:

chickyclg said:

You wear your sunglasses inside, and even worse when you want to ask a complete stranger a question!
YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT DUDE!!!

I'm guilty of this one so bad. I wear prescription sunglasses, so for what I perceive to be quick trips, I don't want to be bothered to switch back to my normal glasses.

lol, I used to work in retail and this one got to me because I felt like some people were just so rude at times

mommy510 · July 2014

When you stand in the middle of the walkway staring at your phone trying to navigate to where you are going or answer your texts.

Bonus if you are in an airport and you have your carry-on bag next to you taking up even more room.

elephantsonpatrol · July 2014

Bottom line - if you don't know who the DB in the room is,

Its YOU.

krysmill · July 2014

If you let your dog shit in my yard and not pick it up!
Double points if I'm outside looking right at you and all you do is keep walking and smile!

mamabumkin · July 2014

You're a douchbag if...

You stand within my 3 foot personal space bubble, and extra points if I take a step away from you and you take another step closer to me leaving yourself even closer within my bubble. Back the f*ck up before I karate chop you in the throat.

This one is not industry specific to my business as I've had this happen to me in many different retail settings ...

Emailing, calling, or asking in person for free samples when free samples are not something that is offered.

When purchasing things with a deep discount --50% -- asking for free samples on top of your order. No--not going to happen.

Bitching and moaning when free prizes won on internet shows (and all these people win all the time too) take over a month to get to you. I'm pregnant and feel like crap, stop hassling me.

...if you use text speak when actually speaking...if you say j/k,lol,btw, to me in person...yes I am judging you very harshly and think you're an idiot. And my 15 year old daughter does this...she knows when I give her that look of utter disappointment...she just can't help herself. But when people over 20 do it, nope...don't talk to me.

....if you're excessively loud in situations where it is totally inappropriate (adults not kids.) Six inch voice and indoor voices should be learned by the time you're over 20.

...if you crop dust the entire store.

...if you run into people with your trolley (shopping cart) while walking through the store or when they are standing in front of you in line.

...if you bash into people because you are completely unaware of what is around you and where your body is in the space...(can't even count how often boobs have been elbowed by idiots in stores because I'm short.) and then when you do hit someone you look at them like it's their fault and they should be apologizing to you. FU

...stopping in the middle of a shopping isle to have a conversation...but extra points if both of you have your shopping carts blocking the entire isle or there is more than two of you blocking the isle. For god's sake exchange phone numbers and talk later...even worse if you already talk to each other daily!

...if you cut across three lanes of traffic one way, then back again just to get off the next exit a few cars faster.

...changing lanes without checking your blind spot and nearly running that car into oncoming traffic, and when that car honks to get your attention you flip them off.

...waving someone out into traffic and as that person starts to go, proceed to start driving like you never waved them on!

...walking out into traffic (either on the street or in a parking lot) without looking or yielding to on coming traffic, but just expecting the traffic to stop for you, or worse yet, hoping someone hits you so you can sue them! (My hubby is from the UK, he was shocked at this behavior because in the UK they'd just run you over. lol) Extra douchbag points for walking as slow as you possibly can to get across the road.

...if you touch a very pregnant woman's belly without permission, extra points if you rub it for luck.

...if you see a pregnant woman and immediately strike up a conversation with her on what she should and shouldn't do as a pregnant woman and a mother. I don't know you, STFU.

...if you make the assumption that the size of the belly dictates how far along a woman is..."Wow, you must be due any day!" "Nope, only six months, a-hole." or "You must be carrying twins!" "Nope, just one baby, thank's for calling me huge, jerkface."

StephanieLBerg · July 2014

When you go through the cash only line at the grocery, with 4 carts full of groceries, and try to pay with a check!

When your pants are riding so low on your knees that you look like a midget on stilts

When you wave at 3 year old toddler and the little shit has the gall to flip you the finger, and her daddy just gives her a high five! - lovely parenting daddy-o!

When you spend, literally, 30 minutes in the drive thru at a fast food place, behind the DB in the car ahead of you, while hes asking the employee to describe the ingredients in EVERYTHING on the menu! Thats Google and company websites are for, asshole!

bhjones1980 · July 2014

krysmill said:

If you let your dog shit in my yard and not pick it up! Double points if I'm outside looking right at you and all you do is keep walking and smile!

I can not count the amount of times during our walks around the neighborhood there is a pile of dog shit (usually small poop from small dogs) sitting RIGHT ON THE SIDEWALK, many times within 10 or less feet of those doggie bag receptacles and trash cans....

are you that f@xking lazy and inconsiderate that you can not pick up the poop off the sidewalk when the bags are right there??? it makes me insane.

I WISH I was there when they did it, I would rip them a new one.

bhjones1980 · July 2014

StephanieLBerg said:

When your pants are riding so low on your knees that you look like a midget on stilts

Little People

chickyclg · July 2014

@mamabumkin lol get it all of your chest Honey!!

mamabumkin · July 2014

bhjones1980 said:

krysmill said:

If you let your dog shit in my yard and not pick it up! Double points if I'm outside looking right at you and all you do is keep walking and smile!

I can not count the amount of times during our walks around the neighborhood there is a pile of dog shit (usually small poop from small dogs) sitting RIGHT ON THE SIDEWALK, many times within 10 or less feet of those doggie bag receptacles and trash cans....

are you that f@xking lazy and inconsiderate that you can not pick up the poop off the sidewalk when the bags are right there??? it makes me insane.

I WISH I was there when they did it, I would rip them a new one.

Oh yeah, I've had this one...there was a Dbag that lived down the street from us with two large pitbulls. Every day she would walk her dogs down the street and inevitably they would poop on my yard a few feet in from the street. She never picked up after her dogs. I spent a few weeks trying to figure out where all this dog poop was coming from (as I had to keep cleaning it up) and one day I staked out my front window from 6am until 10:30am when I saw her walking down the street. Sure enough they stopped at my yard and both did their big dog business....

I walked outside while they were pooping, though I didn't go down to the road, I yelled from my porch (had my digital camera taking video) and politely at first asked her to please clean up after her dogs. She flipped me off.

I waited until she had walked down the road and got into my car. I slowly followed her back to her house...turned out she was about 200 yards up the street from us in an apartment house.

I contemplated calling the cops...but decided payback was far more fun first. I let the pooping on my lawn go on for another week...collecting the poops in a big bag. I enlisted a guy friend who I knew would be up for the challenge, gave him the address, and a big brown paper bag full her her dogs poo. No he didn't light it on fire..though he really wanted too. Instead he smeared the poo all over her door, and porch -- writing in poo Pick It UP. lol

She didn't walk down my section of the street anymore.

thegoodpotato · July 2014

chickyclg said:

You wear your sunglasses inside, and even worse when you want to ask a complete stranger a question!
YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT DUDE!!!

Yes, sometimes...

BUT - my DH wears prescription sunglasses, and is legally blind if he's not wearing them. Sometimes he forgets to bring his "indoor glasses" with him, so he HAS to wear his sunglasses in order not to crash into stuff, or, say, see.

He usually does take them off to talk to people, though. Even though he can't see the face he's talking to.

Izzy0927 · July 2014

If you stand on the left side of the escalator. Stand on the right, pass on the left. It's just like driving people, let's keep it moving.

Similarly, people who stand with their crap all around them on moving sidewalks at airports and don't let people by. It's not supposed to do all the moving for you, it's just supposed to make it faster.

mommy510 · July 2014

If you invite me to a jamberry party every single week. Especially if it's an online party (no food, no socialization, how is this a party?)! Or if you spam me with your weight loss tea/ pills/ supplements.

HeyStVincent · July 2014

You are a douche bag if you have an entire half-mile to merge onto the highway, but instead of merging when you get on, you speed up to the end (which is the next exit) and wait to get over. Also you are a huge douche canoe if I'm trying to merge and instead of letting me over, you speed up so that I can't get over. Douche.

HeyStVincent · July 2014

lizjennings81 said:

You treat waiters and waitresses like crap from the get-go and still expect fawning, perfect service. (Oh, hello, FIL.)

^^And then you don't even tip well.

Any bartenders/former bartenders here (or cocktail servers)? How about the skeezy guys who come in and think they can buy you? Oh, you just gave me a big tip, so you think that means you can also grab and/or rub up against my a**? Get the f*ck out douche - this is a bar, not a brothel.

smcniff · July 2014

@chicagojackie said:

You wait until you're out of meds to call the office and demand an immediate refill. Doctor has to approve it. Pharmacy has to fill it. Yelling not needed.

Extra points if you do this on a Saturday. Extra Extra points if you do this on a Saturday and then call back an hour later to complain that it hasn't been done.

lilybug319 · July 2014

If I'm going on a plane with just my daughter and you give us dirty looks and ask if you can be moved because you don't want to be disturbed by the brat across from you. My kid is so used to being on planes and is so surprisingly pleasant that you won't even notice her you dick. She has an iPad and 27 hours of her favorite shows. I hope you choke on your pretzels.

dreemkin84 · July 2014

jaztaz1 said:
Rushing behind the EMT/Firetruck/Police after all the traffic has pulled off to the side... likewise, not pulling over for the EMT when you hear the sirens blazing.

Seriously! Like no one does this anymore...and then I feel like it's dangerous for me to be the only one stopping. WTF!

HerHighness · July 2014

chickenhawke said:

HeyStVincent said:

lizjennings81 said:

You treat waiters and waitresses like crap from the get-go and still expect fawning, perfect service. (Oh, hello, FIL.)

^^And then you don't even tip well.

Any bartenders/former bartenders here (or cocktail servers)? How about the skeezy guys who come in and think they can buy you? Oh, you just gave me a big tip, so you think that means you can also grab and/or rub up against my a**? Get the f*ck out douche - this is a bar, not a brothel.

Ugh! I was and hated that. I miss the cash, but man I could not imagine the past few months working those hours the way I feel. I tip my hat and heart to every woman that has managed to be the closing bartender on a busy night during the first trimester!

Tip your servers and bartenders 20% y'all!

Plus 5 million

All of this! Plus i bartended with my first until i was 36 weeks. I have no idea how i did it but i will say i tossed my cookies in the beer cooler many times.

MrsTucker2011 · July 2014

chickyclg said:
You wear your sunglasses inside, and even worse when you want to ask a complete stranger a question!
YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT DUDE!!!

I had to do this a few times when I had problems with severe migraines. Although I did try to remove them when speaking to someone.

Mrs.EvilQueen · July 2014

If you drive a smart car, extra points if its on the 401. News flash! One of the billion SUVs on the road is going to squash you like a bug! This is not Europe!

Mrsgclark81 · July 2014

If you're a cashier, instead of telling me my total, give me a blank stare until I pay for my purchase.

stefani103 · July 2014

*You don't use a turn signal.

(It's been said. It deserves to be repeated. A lot. In fact, I think I agree with all traffic-related posts.)

*You are all high and mighty and condescending about parenting styles. One thing might work for you, that's great; but my kid is going to watch tv and eat fast food, and that's okay too.

*You smoke in front of no smoking signs.

diamond7986 · July 2014

You call the bank every single day to check your account balance. Isn't it 2014? Oh yeah, you're the one at the office that doesn't know why her computer isn't working because you didn't know there is a POWER button.

mommy5point0 · July 2014

You don't thank or acknowledge the 12yo boy who held the door open for you. I raised my son to be a gentleman and have manners. Too bad your mom didn't teach you gratitude or social grace.

mommy5point0 · July 2014

Another!! You drop your candy boxes and popcorn bucket and soda on the floor in the movie theater instead of TAKING IT TO THE FUCKING GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR WAY TO THE EXIT. HOW this is such the norm is beyond me.

Siamma · July 2014

You wait until the casheir says your total to start looking for your purse... you didn't realise where you were?

paulandmelissa · July 2014

I love this thread!!!

Here's mine (Special ed teacher here): you keep me in 3 hour long meetings once a month to complain that your kid isn't making progress yet refuse to run any of the communication programs at home. News flash, he's not going to get it if he doesn't practice in multiple settings AND I could spend more time teaching your kid if you didn't waste THREE HOURS A MONTH of my time complaining that your kid isn't being taught! Douchebag.

chickyclg · July 2014

stefani103 said:

*You don't use a turn signal.
(It's been said. It deserves to be repeated. A lot. In fact, I think I agree with all traffic-related posts.)

I am very guilty of this one, I live in Houston and nobody uses their turn signal. When my dad taught me to drive he even told me it was a sign of weakness. And that my dears is why Houston is one of the cities with the worst drivers.

Mandig990 · July 2014

You see someone struggling with something heavy and choose not to hold the door for them AND JUST LET IT HIT THEM

mahalo3 · July 2014

chickyclg said:

stefani103 said:

*You don't use a turn signal.
(It's been said. It deserves to be repeated. A lot. In fact, I think I agree with all traffic-related posts.)

I am very guilty of this one, I live in Houston and nobody uses their turn signal. When my dad taught me to drive he even told me it was a sign of weakness. And that my dears is why Houston is one of the cities with the worst drivers.

No!!!! I live in Houston too! Not a sign of weakness! Houston drivers are awful! It even gets worse in certain areas.

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