Letting your toddler see your stillborn?

CheesyPeas · July 2014

I don't have the strength to intro here yet but was hoping you ladies could give me some first hand advice. I'm getting ready to go to the hospital to be induced after finding out today that my daughter is gone. We have a 2.5 year old son who is so excited to be a big brother. He's currently at daycare and I haven't seen him since finding out. Now I'm wrangling with how to tell him that his baby sister won't be coming home and whether to let her see her in the hospital. Those of you with older kids, what did you decide to do and are you glad you handled it as you did? Thanks so much for your insight.

msunshine123 · July 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. I sent you a private message with a link to my friend's blog that might help as I don't have any other children, but she faced the same choice you do. ((hugs))

tuscanbride2007 · July 2014

Oh Cheesypeas, my love, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My daughter was about a year older than your son is when her sister was born. We opted not to have her see her but do have photos if she is ever curious about what she looked like in the future. Death is a hard thing for toddlers to wrap their heads around. When you are ready, there are some books you can buy to help him such as "We Were Going to Have a Baby, But Had an Angel Instead." It can be hard to read it sometimes but it helped my daughter process it a little.

((((HUGE HUGS))))

MeNV · July 2014

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. No one should have to go through this. Not having my boys come to the hospital to hold their sister is one of my biggest regrets. My older boy, who is 4, has randomly asked me why I didn't let him hold his little sister. I never know what to say. I wish that I had a picture of all three of my children together. I know it is a very personal decision, but if I could go back in time... I'll be sending prayers and love to your family while you face this.

AshersMom11 · July 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. Our son is three and we decided not to have come to the hospital. It is a very personal decision, but so far I have not regretted it. It wasn't that I didn't want him to see his sibling, it was more that I didn't want him to see me so shaken and upset. We do have pictures that I will show him someday.

lexusolsen · July 2014

This is my one regret. That I will never have a family photo with both of my kids in it. Even if you don't have your older child hold the baby, I would take pictures together. I also second the book. Be prepared for a lot of questions, especially the same ones, over and over. I thought dd understood and then yesterday (almost four months since ds passed) she said she was saving this rattle for Ben to play with. I explained (again) that since Ben is dead he can't ever play with.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

angelsnight · July 2014

Ticker warning (rainbow mentioned)

Please take my advice with a grain of salt, as my DD is our rainbow so I didn't have any living children when we lost Kayla, but from my best guess what I would do, I don't think I would have my child see our angel, especially if they were quite young. Much in the same way that I wouldn't let a young child see anyone else who died who may appear a little frightening to a child (for example my grandma died at home and wasn't found in a very peaceful way, so I would never let my child see her that way, but I would let her see her at the funeral home).

Pregnancy loss is so difficult for adults to wrap their heads around, so I think it would be so much harder for a child. My angel was beautiful, but she was very tiny, and bruised and her skin was still a little translucent, so I wouldn't have been comfortable letting a young child see her. I would however have been more comfortable with them seeing her at the funeral since she looked more like a little china doll. I am all for being honest with kids about death, but I think some things are age appropriate and personally for us, I just wouldn't think a young child could deal with that well.

We have pictures of our angel that we plan to show LO when she is much older, like maybe a teen, and we have one that was retouched that we'll show her before then. Good luck with your decision, I hope you're able to come to a choice that you're comfortable with and I am so so sorry for your loss.

Edit: Since my angel was born so early and she was so little and bruised, I don't think I would let a toddler see her. But, had she been born sleeping much closer to term, then I probably would. I guess for me it all depends on how the baby looks. All angels are beautiful, but I think it would be hard, confusing and perhaps frightening for a small child to comprehend why their baby brother or sister looks the way they do if they were really little/super early.

dadalou · July 2014

My DD was 3 1/2 when our son was born. He was stillborn, but died during the induction so we didn't know beforehand. DD knew I was at the hospital and that DS was going to be born. We weren't sure we were going to let her see him. She came to the hospital to see me. He was not in the room when she came. She wanted to know where he was. She was so excited and really wanted to see him. We explained to her that it looked like he was sleeping, but he wasn't and that he was never going to wake up and he wasn't coming home with us. It was really hard, but I'm glad we let her see him. She got to hold him and read him stories. We have lots of pictures of them together and of our whole family.

I wrote her a book a few days later about what happened to baby brother. I am working on getting it published. I can PM you a copy if you would like.

Xath · July 2014

**ticker**

We did not. J was only 17 months, and wouldn't have understood much. I worried about that for a while, but then I realize that he had plenty of interaction with his sister in utero. He'd sit in my lap as I'd sing to both of them. He'd feel my belly when she kicked. He even bit her (my stomach) one in an Ikea. I decided that I didn't want to limit her life to the time she was outside; as that would have only given her 28 hours. When I included all of her time in utero, that gave us 8 months together, and she and J had had plenty of interaction. I wanted the memories he had of her to be those of when she was alive, even if he couldn't see her, and even if he won't remember.

stefuge · July 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. Our son was 3 1/2 when his brother was born still, and we decided to not have him see his little brother. At the time, we didn't know how he would react and we didn't want him to be scared or confused, since there was so much happening all at once with the baby coming early, and losing Colton, and me in the hospital. We showed him photos and Colton's footprints in the weeks after losing him, and have those up all over the house now, so he does see him, but we did not have them together in the hospital. I have not regretted that decision until recently, because Landon talks about Colton and asks about him all the time, and maybe it would have helped? We are 10 months out from our loss, and like I said, are just now wondering if we made the right decision. It was the decision we made at the time, and many people will tell you, and I keep telling myself, you can't get angry at yourself for decisions made on the worst day of your life. I think this is a really personal decision and you have to decide what is right for you and your family. I also wanted to say, if you have any other questions, feel free to PM me, or also, check out my blog. I share a lot on there about how we are grieving as a family (link in my siggy).

veetveet · July 2014

My daughter is 3 and we opted not to let her see her brother (27 weeks). I googled images of stillborn babies at that gestation- morbid, I know...but i needed to prepare myself. It was not an image I wanted her to see.

Although cute as a button- My son was purple (completely normal), and his skin was so delicate. He had lots of little cuts. I thought it might be too scary for her. I do not regret my decision.

We told her after it was done. She was devastated.

If you haven't done so- try to contact now I lay me down to sleep. See if you can get a photographer to come out.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Want a personalized experience?

Letting your toddler see your stillborn?

Re: Letting your toddler see your stillborn?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards